Forever learning but continuing to persevere

Beautiful double rainbow
as Hubby and I went for our evening walk

Okay, this is my second attempt at the blog post today.  The first sounded so depressing, so whiny, that I couldn't even stand it.  So I'm trying again...

This week has been full of frustrations.  A lot of them, in nearly every aspect of my life.  But as I always do, I persevered and things got better by the end of the week.  Probably helped that I finally got several nights of good sleep, once that happened, everything else seemed to click into place.

Sleep is important.  Never underestimate the importance of a good night's sleep.  Once you lose that, life becomes a struggle.  That is one of the things I have learned on weight loss journey

As I've said before, I'm a slow learner when it comes to my weight loss.  Which is why it took me 6 years to get a hundred pounds off.  And would be why I have gained thirty pounds back.  I just don't seem to learn from my past experiences.

I say this honestly, not as a complaint or a whine.  I'm just slow to learn new, better, healthier habits.  And if I do manage to pick up a good habit here and there, I'm quick to toss it aside in place of an old, bad habit.

A good example is emotional eating or eating for comfort.  Both of which I have done this week.  Wednesday it was emotional eating due to stress at work.  I was tired from lack of sleep and then I let some situations at work get the better of me and immediately turned to my old habit of emotional eating.  Food makes me feel better, but only while I'm eating it.  Once the food is gone, I feel guilty for eating and the guilt makes me feel bad, so I turn to food to make me feel better.  This is what I mean about being a slow learner.  Past experience has taught me that emotional eating makes the situation worse, not better.  Yet I still do it.  A lot.

Wednesday I put in an 11 hour day at work.  Tired and exhausted, I went home and basically vegged out until bedtime, but then I was up before the alarm the next morning and was at Cross Fit at 6 am with Hubby.  Looking back, I'm not sure doing Cross Fit was such a great idea.  I needed the exercise, the release, the activity... but trying to learn something new when I'm exhausted, stressed, and already down on myself, was not a good idea.  

Thursday was quit a bit of lifting, which is still very new to me.  It's not something I have ever done in my life and there are a lot of movements involved.  Once you learn the proper techniques, it's very fluid movements, done without thinking.  As a lifting newbie, I'm forever trying to remember the proper form and technique.  Just lifting the bar from the ground to my knees is mentally challenging... squat, butt out, chest up, shoulders pinched, lift, elbows... locked, tight... or ?  See, two days later and I've already forgotten!  Then moving the bar from hips to shoulders, to over head... even more movements and techniques to remember.  

At one point, I had the bar at my knees, trying to remember to keep my butt out, chest up and shoulders pinched while Coach Kyle stood in front of me to watch my technique.  I froze.  He said something about continuing and I told him, "nope, I'm just going to stay in this position..."  I honestly couldn't remember what I was supposed to do next.

By the end of the skill portion of the class, I was feeling frustrated, tired, and clumsy.... but determined to finish out the class by doing the Workout of the Day, which Coach Kyle came up with a scaled down version for me.  I persevered.  By the end of the workout I did 60 lifts with the 15 pound bar and 5 pound weights (25 pounds total).  I thought several times about just quitting.  I may be a slow learner, but I am not a quitter.  I kept at it.  I completed the workout.  

All the emotions, lack of sleep, frustration at trying to learn this totally alien (for me) workout, and exhaustion from the workout caught up to me once I was in the car on the way home.  Which is when I realized just how tired I was.  At that point, I really should have gone home, showered, and crawled back into bed.  I didn't.  I showered and went to work.  

By the time I got to work I was not only tired, but I was sore.  I may have overdone it with all the lifting because my back started hurt.   I did some major comfort eating because of the pain, which caused guilt feelings, which lead to emotional eating.  Nope, hadn't learned a thing from the day before.  

Thursday night, my back hurt so bad from lifting and then sitting all day at work (walking and standing, I noticed, didn't hurt), that I was nearly in tears.  I took some ibuprofen PM and decided to lay down on the bed for a bit to see if that helped my back.  I was asleep by 7:15.

Thursday night I slept for nearly 10 hours.  Friday morning, I had a little back pain, but nothing compared to Thursday night and I felt energized.  I had wanted to go for a run, but I didn't want to risk tweaking my back, so I just headed off to work.  Friday was a good day because I was refreshed, not in pain, and focused.  Still ate a bit more than I should have, but I wasn't emotional eating or eating for comfort.  Progress. 

I feel like I still have so much to learn about myself.  I need to learn to deal with the emotional eating/comfort eating without food.  I need to learn to listen to my body, so when I'm tired I sleep, when I'm sore, I rest.  

It is frustrating that after 11 years, I still haven't learned to deal with situations without food.  

The one thing I have learned is that I can't just give up.  I will continue to persevere.

Ring rows, push ups, and squats... oh my!

I survived one of the more difficult Cross Fit workouts, the Murph!  Yesterday morning, Memorial Day, Hubby and I went to the gym (along with about a dozen or more other people) to do this workout.

As I described in the last blog post, The Murph (full version) Workout is as follows:

• one mile run
• 100 pull ups
• 200 push ups
• 300 air squats
• one mile run

The pull ups, push ups and air squats can be done in any combination so a lot of people do them in rounds (such as 10-20-30 of each in 10 rounds).

Now, let me be clear, I did NOT do the full Murph, I set out to the 1/4 Murph (1/4 mile run, 25 ring rows instead of pull ups, 50 push ups, 75 air squats).  What I ended up doing was the 1/2.  That means I did 1/2 mile run, 50 ring rows, 100 push ups (the modified push ups using my knees), 150 air squats, and 1/2 mile run.

I did it!  Me... who was always lagging behind in gym class... the person that lost her first 70 pounds doing nothing more than walking... the person that thought doing these types of workouts were crazy!

It wasn't easy.  Those damn push ups... even the modified version... were hard and I knew I was pushing myself by the sweat building up under me while I did them.  I did 10 rounds of 5 ring rows, 10 push ups and 15 air squats.  By the eighth round I was lying on the ground in a pool of my own sweat trying to convince myself to do just one more push up.  But I kept at.  I was inspired by those around me doing the full Murph, often lying in their own pool of sweat.  I figured if they could do 200 push ups, I could 100! 

Getting done with the workout was very close to how I felt after completing my first half marathon.  Sore, aching in places I didn't know I had, and feeling completing elated by the fact I accomplished something I never dreamed possible.

Cross Fit isn't easy, but neither is running.  Both take time, commitment, motivation, and a willingness to push yourself more than you thought possible.  Both are totally worth it for the feeling of accomplishment.  Even with all the weigh I've gained back in the last three years (most of it in the last three months!), I am still capable of great things.  I just have to be willing to try new things and to push myself out of my comfort zone.

To keep myself consistent with the Cross Fit workouts, I went again this morning.  Even Kyle said we were crazy for coming in.  For me, it wasn't about pushing myself this morning, it was about consistency and being committed to doing this.  And though I tried to give 100% this morning, I ended up doing a lot less than that.  But I was there, so I give myself credit for that!

I haven't seen any (okay, very little) change in my weight, which is frustrating but understandable.  I'm still eating crappy and/or eating too much of the "good" foods.  Until I can get my eating back under control, the weight won't come off.  I can't complain about it if I'm not doing the steps needed to lose weight (okay, I shouldn't complain... but I still do!).  Juli and I have made the commitment to track our food, take a picture of our tracker, and text it to each other at the end of the day.  Just being accountable should help me to pause before I overeat... or at least, that's the idea behind it!

As I sit here tonight, I am tired and sore from the workouts, frustrated and annoyed with my weight, I'm also happy with my accomplished, motivated to keep going, and excited about the changes in my future.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but for now I'm just going to smile and remind myself I am capable of great things!

Memorial Weekend

Weekends are tough enough to stay on track, but make it a three day holiday weekend and things seem to completely derail... usually.  Luckily, I'm doing fairly well so far.  Of course, keeping busy helps.

(back) Brent & Michelle
(front) Ethan & Mickey

Started off the weekend by getting four new foster kittens on Friday night.  Fostering has its ups and downs.  It's rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming and heartbreaking.  This our third summer of fostering kittens.  Last year we helped fostered and assisted in adopting 30 kittens between May and October.  You would think that having kittens around wouldn't affect my weight loss at all, right?  Wrong.  

With the kittens, it's easy to use them as an excuse to not exercise... "I can't run this morning because I need to do the litter boxes and feed the kittens."  "I can't workout because the kittens will be underfoot."  Those are the two excuse I used a lot last year.  And they weren't valid excuses.  I could have gotten up 10 to 15 minutes earlier to do the kittens chores so I could go run.  I could have put the kittens in their crate to work out, or even worked out in another room.  This year I won't have those excuses thanks to Cross Fit.  Hmmm... not sure if that is a good thing, or bad thing...  ;-)

And fostering kittens has led to emotional eating in the past.  The kittens we foster are rescue kittens or come from feral cat colonies, so they often get sick with various illnesses.  And yes, we have lost our share of kittens due to FIP (Feline infectious peritonitis), upper respiratory infection, or Panleukopenia.  Last year we cared for 5 kittens that didn't live and recently found out two we helped to adopt passed away in the last year. Not the greatest odds.  And each time we lose one, I cry then go in search of comfort food.  I need to find a better way to deal with that going forward, because it will no doubt happen again this year.

Yesterday was a rainy day, which is typical of Memorial Weekend in Montana (just as common is snow over the weekend).  I went to the Weight Watcher meeting in the morning and got to visit with my friends I haven't seen in several weeks.  And as a bonus, the scale showed a loss of .8 since my last weigh in.  Which is awesome considering I was at a scrapbook retreat last weekend.  Where I might have (okay, no might... I did...) over ate.  Even a small lose is a win in my book.

Hubby I spent the afternoon shopping for starter plants for our backyard garden.  I talked him into letting me do a couple of box gardens three years ago, and our three boxes have now turned into 7, plus various buckets and containers.  We have put a lot more money into this garden than we will ever get out of it, but we enjoy it and we love the veggies we manage to grow.  Best off all it puts our shabby backyard to good use.  Hubby could never get grass to grow back there, so putting in the garden has made it a useful place.

The rest of the day was spent just hanging out at home.  We watched a movie, I took a nap, then spent the rest of evening trying not to give into to restless/boredom eating.

Today has been a great day for activity!  I got up and did a few chores in the house, worked in the garden, went for a 4 mile run with Juli (with our husbands way ahead of us the first two miles, then walking behind us the last two miles), worked in garden some more, ran to get more soil and a few more starter plants, then finished up the gardening.  

All that activity helped me to get over 14,000 steps today - Yea!  I have my step goal set at 11,000 steps but lately I've had a hard time getting that.  Though I have to say, the run was a bit rough.  I just couldn't seem to get my breath (I'm not quite over a lingering cough I've had for several weeks) and my legs felt heavy.  But I'm happy to report, little to no knee pain throughout the run.  But shhhhh!  Don't tell Hubby or Juli... otherwise I will be forced to admit they were right and the Cross Fit is helping.  :-)

Now I just need to make it through the rest of the evening without going overboard on snacks or eating out of boredom. 

And then there's tomorrow.  Even with Memorial Day, the Cross Fit gym will be open for two classes in the morning to do the WOD (workout of the day), "Murph."  Now, I had asked my Hubby not to tell me what all was involved in the work out because I knew it had to be tough when the gym sent out an email explaining they would have the normal "Murph" and then 1/2 scale and 1/4 scale version.  Hubby kept his mouth shut about it, but Juli told me all about on our run this morning.  All I can say is, "Ugh!"  As I understand it, the full workout is a 1 mile run, 100 pull ups, 200 push ups, 300 air squats, followed by another 1 mile run.  What?  Really?  Who does this on their day off...?  Apparently it's what I will be doing.... but 1/4 version.  A 1/4 mile run, 25 pull ups (in my case, ring rows), 50 push ups, 75 air squats, and 1/4 mile run.  Or if I'm feeling well rested and in the mood to really push myself, I go for the 1/2 mile run, 50 ring rows, 100 push ups (this is the part that I'm not sure I can do...), 150 air squats, and 1/2 mile run.  Boy, doesn't that sound fun??  At least I get to sleep in since the class isn't until 8 in the morning.

Okay, just thinking about it is making me tired.  I think I'll go rest now... 

New things, old things

Well, so much for writing a blog post a week... maybe I should shoot for one a month?  

Life just seems to be speeding by lately.  Still working long hours, still struggling with my weight, still trying to get myself back on track.  Same old story.  That gets boring to write about and if I'm bored writing about it, then I can only assume that my "tens of readers" are bored as well.  

So that's the "old things" I was referring to in the title of this blog.  And what are the new things?  I'm so happy you asked!  

I think I've mentioned this before, but since venturing out on this long, never ending weight loss journey, I have taken to trying new things.  Running, hiking, backpacking, even threw in a Tough Mudder for a good measure.  The one thing I have not done is join a gym... okay, that's not entirely true, I did go to Curves for about year... but I never really considered that a gym.  Just a bunch of women hanging out and doing a little workout while we there.  I have plenty of friends who have encouraged me to join a gym, take classes, get involved.  Nope.  Not my thing.  I don't  want anyone but my friends to know just how out of shape I am (really should have considered that before agreeing to a Tough Mudder, but that's a story for another blog post).  

Juli, my most wonderful running buddy, has been doing Cross Fit for about 2 years.  She got her husband involved and one of her daughters.  It was her thing. Good for her.  Then her husband talked my Hubby into to going to the open house for this new Cross Fit gym.  Fine, I went along to encourage Hubby if that 's what he decided to do.  And he did.  Okay, so now that's his thing.  

Hubby did the two week On-Ramp program (to learn the elements, techniques, and such).  He started talking about how Cross Fit, especially the mobility class, could help with my knee.  Give me the strength training I needed to get back to running more, pain free.  

Huh.

That gave me something to think about.  It's not that I like running, but it's my thing.  I hadn't been able to do my thing.  I was in pain most of the time while running and I was getting to the point I thought I may have to give it up.  I didn't (and still don't) want to give up.

Okay... 

Here's the thing.  Juli has been doing Cross Fit for two years, I've heard... repeatedly... about the workouts.  They didn't sound fun at all.  Sprints, rowing, push ups, sit ups, dead lifts and presses, wall balls, slam balls, pull ups, and being timed while all this is going on.  Fun?  Nope, not the word that came to mind when she talked about it.

I was not totally convinced that all that could help my knee.  Sounded like it would end my running... and possibly walking... 

Hubby, who loves me and just wants to see me happy, offered to pay for the On-Ramp program.  "Just try it... see if it helps... you can attend the mobility classes too..."  

Sigh.  Okay.  Fine.  I signed up on Monday night and attended the On-Ramp program the next morning at 6 am.  Fun?  Well, meeting new people, learning new things... yeah, that's always fun.  Push ups, sit ups, and squats before 7 am?  That was a big change for me and I think I've written before about how well I like change.  

After two sessions of the On-Ramp and two sessions of the mobility (with suggestions on stretches from Coach Kyle on how to help my knee), Hubby and I did a 5K trail race.  First trail run (or even first time on the trail) of the season.  I was worried because I hadn't really run since the Salt Lake Half Marathon and trail running means hills, which means knee pain.  

Either the Cross Fit workouts were working or "resting" from running helped, I had no knee pain on the trail, even with doing a light jog downhill.  And only a little pain when I opened my stride on a downhill during the street portion of the race. 

I'm sure you've figure out by now what my new thing is... I get up at 5 am on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday to be at the Cross Fit gym by 6 am.  I make sure to leave work at a reasonable time on Monday and Thursday so I can attend the mobility class.  I still feel awkward, frustrated by inability to do the simpler movements (I seem to have an unreasonable fear of box jumps...), and totally out of place.  It's a lot like being back in gym class in high school... chubby little me, trying to keep pace with the athletic kids.  

So why do I do it?  Because I can.  Which is the same mentality I have about running.  I don't love running, but I love that feeling of being done and being able to say I did it.  I don't love Cross Fit, but I love the feeling of completing a work out.  Of knowing I did it.  That I tried something new.  And eventually, just maybe, I will get better, stronger.  Most of all, maybe I will be able to run again.  Pain free.