...it hurts worse not to run. That's the thought that occurred to me Monday evening as I did a 2.9 mile run after work.
Between July and November, I hadn't been running, attempting to run, or even really consider running. But as the number kept creeping up on the scale, I realized I had to do something to get myself back on track. Just attempting to eat right, eat better, eat healthier wasn't do it, so I decided to run.
I know from experience that I stick with a running schedule if I have a race planned, so I told Hubby I wanted to do the Salt Lake Half Marathon in April of 2017, giving myself plenty of time to train but something to work toward. He just sort of nodded and went on his way, not really believing I would follow through. At the beginning of November, I sat down and figured out a training schedule that had me starting from scratch (in other words, a one mile run) and slowly increasing the distance a little each week until the race.
Three weeks in and I'm up to 2.93 miles. Painful miles. Yes, there is a little knee pain, but stretching helps with that. The pain is more from trying to run while 55 pounds over my healthy weight. And it's more than the weight pain, it's the mental pain. While I'm running (jogging... fast walk...), I can feel in every muscle of my body what I have done to myself by gaining the weight back. Which makes it hard not to fall into the pit of negativity. I am doing a constant internal monologue to keep myself moving. I remind myself that I am doing it and that's all that matters. I tell myself that eventually the eating will fall into place as I continue train for the race (which hasn't happened yet...). The emotions run faster than my pace most days. I swing from feeling good about actually making myself get out there for a run to tears at the pain and embarrassment of running while at heavy weight.
As I struggled along on Monday night, I realized that not running hurt more. I had lost my way, my motivation to stay healthy, the one activity that I enjoyed (enjoy in a love-hate sort of way...). By not running, I made things worse for myself not only physically, but mentally as well. I took a certain pride in running. Not everyone takes the time and effort to train for half marathons. I felt special when I completed those races. I took pride in my accomplishment. Once I stopped running, I lost that feeling. And once that feeling was gone, I took a "I don't care" attitude about my weight... and things have spiraled out of control.
As I head into the holiday season, I realize that running it not enough. I need to get my eating under control as well. I want to continue to run, but I want to run with less weight, less mental baggage. I want the negativity that swirls around my head to stop so I can focus on the positive things in my life. I want to enjoy life and be thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life.
I need to focus on one day at a time. And with today being Thanksgiving, I will need all the focus, motivation, and will power I can muster to keep positive thoughts in regards to food. I need to focus on things I'm thankful for, find the motivation to go for a 3+ mile run this morning (despite getting only 5 hours sleep because of migraine - why else would I be typing a blog post at 4:30 in the morning!), and the will power to eat healthfully throughout the day.
I think my mantra should be "run, stretch, track, repeat." By tracking my food intake, running for exercise, and stretching to keep the knee pain at bay, I just might get myself back to the place I want to be. Healthy.
