How do I get back on track?

This is the question that I have been asking myself for the past week.  I can't remember the last time I've had such a hard time getting back on track.  I tell myself every morning, this is the day.  This the day I make the changes I need to get back on track.  Then by lunch time, I've done something to sabotage my efforts.  Which leads to feeling of guilt and remorse, and more eating.

My eating is out of control.  And worse, at times, I don't seem to care.  

I didn't weigh in on Thursday morning and I'm not weighing in today either.  I did have Hubby dig out our old scale so I would have some idea of how bad things have gotten.  And it's bad.  Another 4.8 pounds in a week.  

What the hell am I doing?  I can't believe I'm letting things get this out of control.  It's been over five years since I weighed this much.  I don't feel good physically or emotionally, yet I can't seem to stop myself.  I buy foods I know are triggers for overeating, I can't resist the goodies in the office, I overeat on foods that are healthy, and all the while I'm telling myself "just this one, then I'll get back on track."  

That's not happening.  Things are getting worse.

I am finally past the stresses in my life.  I no longer have the fibroid issues that was sucking the energy out of me, work is going great, surgery is done, and the recovery period (for the most part) was a breeze and is now behind me.  Things are going great with my Hubby, friends are supportive and helpful, and family is doing okay.  

So why is it, now that things are going well in nearly every aspect of my life, my weight and eating are out of control?

If only I had the answer to that.

All I can think of is during that emotional and stress eating, all my old bad food habits have crept back in and taken root.  The habits that I spent 10 to 12 years overcoming, came back in just a matter of months.

What to do at this point?  I know I should continue with Weight Watchers, but I am just not getting as much out of the meetings as I used to.  Yes, still great topics... occasionally... but after 14 years of meetings, most of the topics I have heard 20 or 30 times.  Plus, I no longer do the Points system, so the topics dealing with counting Points are for me.... well... pardon the pun, but pointless.  In addition, because I am over my goal weight (and getting farther from it on a daily basis), I have to pay for the meeting.  And the Monthly Pass has gone up in price again. I have to ask myself, "What I am getting for $45 a month?"  The meetings, which I love for the social interaction, the occasional topics that are relevant to me, and the accountability of weighing in at the scale.  Is that worth $45? I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure.  It may be time for me to move on and find new motivation and inspiration else where.  

Then it becomes the question, "where?"


Hubby has offered to be my "weekly meetings" and discuss whatever weight, food or activity issues I'm having during the week.  Which would make each week's discussion relevant for me.  
What about the social interaction, ideas and inspiration?  I have a the most awesome supportive friends for that.  Juli, Sibyl, Windy, and many others will be more than willing to help me.  I just need to ask.  And I know that by talking about various issues, it often helps them too.  Or at the very least, reminds them

they are not alone in the struggle for better health.

The accountability of the scale is a big factor in why I go to the meetings.  Getting on the scale makes me face the reality of my weight loss.  I know it's just one gauge of many as to how I am doing, but it is usually the biggest motivator.  Jumping on the scale at home just doesn't seem to have the same impact.

Hubby and I discussed this a bit over breakfast this morning and we could be accountable to one another.  I could also be accountable here and record my losses (or gains) for all to see.  Maybe that would help not only me, but others.  Let them know that losing weight is not always linear, there are many ups and downs along the way.  As long as the losses are more the gains, then you are doing something right.

Yes, all of those things could replace Weight Watchers, but that still leaves me.  I still need to get back in the game, get back on track, get back on the wagon, and leave all the negativity behind me.

I need to find that one thing that clicks with me, that gets me going in the right direction.  

I hope to find it soon.  Maybe today is the day....

Facing the scale on a bad week

I've faced the scale at my Weight Watcher weekly meeting exactly 506 times since April of 2004.  I have had every emotion imaginable at those weigh ins.  I have laughed, cried, felt frustrated, angry, confused, disappointed, happy, excited, anxious... and this past weigh in... horrified.

So, it's been a week since my blog post.  In that post I had a happy, positive, couldn't wait to get moving attitude.  And the next day, my attitude was not as good and went down hill as the week progressed.

What happened?  A lot.  Mainly me not dealing with emotions and eating instead.  Same old song, just sung on a different day. 

Tuesday started out well, I got up, did my morning workout and headed off to work.  After about an hour at work, my stomach began to hurt (abdominal pain that I hadn't felt since a week or so after surgery).  It was so intense at one point I even considered leaving work to go home (and with no sick leave left, that was the last thing I wanted to do).  Though the intense pain passed, I continued to have pain throughout the day and on through Wednesday.  I did some online research and found out that the pain is somewhat normal even 5 weeks after surgery, especially if I'm being active (guessing working out, walking, and running will qualify as "active").  The suggestion as to take it easy for a couple of days, there went my goals of working out everyday.  I know that taking it easy in recovery is the important thing, so I backed off on the activities for a few days.  And ate instead of working out.

There was another blow on Tuesday, trying to get registered for the RunDisney Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon.  Hubby always gets us registered for these events and he's good about logging on as soon as registration opens and getting us registered before it fills up.  The last two races we signed up for were full within 50 to 60 minutes, but we honestly didn't think the Wine & Dine would fill up quite that fast.  Just to be sure, Hubby logged on as soon as registration opened... or tried to... the website had issues probably because of everyone logging in at the same time.  Took him 10 to 15 minutes just to get to the registration portion.  He got himself registered, and usually there will be a link to "register another runner."  This time, no link, no button, nothing.  So he had to log out of the registration portion, log back into the RunDisney site... and by then, less than 40 minutes after the registration opened, the race was full.  We were both shocked.  This had never happened before, we've always gotten registered and we had never seen a race fill up that fast.  Hubby is registered, I am not.  I was frustrated and upset.  We do the RunDisney events as our vacations and we run the half marathons together (even though Hubby is a much faster runner than I am).  I knew that if he got to do the race and I didn't, I would be upset.  Yes, I know that there was nothing more he could have done, but these races are "our time together."  At first I told him he should run it without me, but the more I thought about, the more upset I became.  And instead of just telling him how I really felt, I ate.  A lot.  Then I finally told him how I felt and he told me he didn't want to run it unless we could do it together.  We run a lot of races at our own pace, but he agreed, these races aren't about getting a PR, they are about spending time together. 

Okay, so two things early in the week send me to the junk food.  But I wasn't done yet. 

The next thing that had me eating non-stop for nearly two days, was/is something very personal.  Let's just say that even the best of married couples have their rough patches and Hubby and I had ours.  It had been brewing for awhile, with both of us trying to ignore the problem.  Between my fibroid issues, work stress, pre-surgery stress, and then weeks of recovery time, we haven't had a lot of quality time together.  That lack of quality time in a marriage can be a strain, especially if you don't discuss the lack of it.  And we didn't.  We pretended things were fine, when in reality we really needed to sit down and talk it about it.  Problem is, my Hubby is not a big communicator.  In fact, we don't fight, he walks away until we are both calmed down, then we have a brief talk, and move on.  Thursday started our "walk away until we calm down" time.  And since everything about the situation felt so personal, so intimate, I didn't want to discuss it with friends or blog about it.  What did I do instead?  I ate... and ate... and ate...  to the point I nearly felt sick and continued eating.  I didn't walk or workout (was still having pains, but by then it was probably the food not the surgery causing it).  By Saturday morning, I knew we had to talk or I was going to spend the whole day eating again.  I started the conversation and after really talking for a bit, Hubby finally opened up and we were able to work through the issues between us.  I really wish we would have had the discussion sooner, but I'm glad we finally did.  We both felt calmer and closer than we had in months.  We still have a ways to go to get through it, but we are on the good side of things again.

Hubby and I had that discussion early on Saturday morning (we are both early risers), so we decided to go get our weekly groceries, then come home and have a relaxing breakfast.  I wasn't going to weigh in even though my original plan was to go to the Saturday Weight Watcher meeting.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  I had been eating non-stop for nearly a week.  And not good foods.  I hadn't been working out or running, and I had barely walked during the week.  As we headed to Walmart I asked Hubby if we could stop long enough for me weigh in. 

As bad as I knew it would be, I needed to see the damage I had done.  I hadn't weighed in for 10 days, I had been eating non-stop, I had drank my water and tea prior to leaving the house, and I was wearing "heavy" clothes (jeans and a long sleeve shirt).  Regardless if I stepped on the scale or not, I was going to weigh the same.  I would be better off knowing and moving on, then not knowing sabotaging myself even more.

In I went to face the scale for the 506th time in the last 11 years. 

7.6 pounds gained in 10 days.

I was horrified.  In all that time, I have never gained that much in less than two weeks. 

Once again, I am starting over.  Starting fresh.  Giving myself a break.  Moving forward.  Forgiving myself.  Learning from the experience.

All I can do is move forward since what is done, is done.  I can't undo it.  I know what to do, I just need to do it.

Setting new goals and moving forward

Okay, other then my overeating on Saturday, I have to say that things are going pretty good.

I was down 2.2 pounds at last Thursday's weigh in, but with my pizza binge on Saturday, I'm hoping to just maintain this week.  

Running is coming along great.  I did 1.4 miles on Friday morning and Juli and I did 2.04 miles yesterday in 24:32, for a pace of 12:02 per mile.  For me, this is awesome!  I haven't done a pace that fast  in over a year.  To say I'm feeling good about my running would be an understatement.  I love the way I feel and love how I feel when I get done with a run.  

On my walk with Windy today I was telling her about my plans for my workouts and running for the next couple of months, and she made the comment that they were great goals, realistic and doable.  I hadn't thought of it as a goal, just a plan to get me moving.  I like the goal approach better.  Sound more concrete than a plan.

My activity goals for the next couple of months: 

My goal for my walks is to slowly increase my daily steps.  Last week I worked on reaching 10,000 steps per day, this week I've increased that to 10,500 per day.  I will continue to increase my daily step goal every week by 500 steps until I get back to my pre-op daily step goal of 14,300 steps.

My goal for my workouts is to continue with the Weight Watcher 15 minute Express DVD's until after my 6-week post-op check, then I will move onto the "main" workouts, which are about 35 to 40 minutes per DVD.  I will do the lower intensity version and work on doing the advanced version over time.  Once I'm comfortable with that, I will once again try the T25 workouts.  I had started on the T25 workouts last year about this time, but then strained a muscle in my leg (from not stretching enough after running) and couldn't do anything but walk for three or four months.

My running goal is to slowly increase my distance between 1/4 to a half mile each time I run until I get up to 5 or 6 miles on my long runs, then I will increase by a mile each run.  As for races, I have quite a few planned between now and the end of year.  Not sure how many I will actually do or what lengths, but I like having races on my calendar because it keeps me focused on my running.

I am registered to for the Salt Lake City Half Marathon in April (Hubby and I have been signed up since completing it last year) and I am undecided as to what to do.  Being able to run 13 miles is definitely not going to happen in the next 5 weeks, but I am thinking I may be able to do a walk/run (such as 3 min of walking/1 min of running).  Is it realistic to think I can walk (with occasional running) 13.1 miles just 9 1/2 weeks after major surgery?  For me, maybe.  I still have a couple of weeks to contemplate the pros and cons, but as of today, I feel I could walk that distance.  The key will be to listen to my body and not push it.  If I can't finish the race, no biggie.  At least I will have tried, and any distance I go on the race would be a triumph.  

Tomorrow the registration opens for the Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon.  RunDisney events sell out fast (though I think the Wine & Dine doesn't sell out as fast as the others) so Hubby is going to jump on line and get us registered when it opens.  This will be our last RunDisney event for awhile.  We're going to take a break from Disney races and focus on doing races in other states.  My bucket list is to run a Half Marathon in each state and we can't afford to do that if all our money goes to the RunDisney events.  

Juli is more than happy to help with my bucket list and is already looking into races in states around Montana for a half marathon we can do together.  

I feel like this is kind of boring, rambling post, but I'm hoping that by writing out my goals I will be more likely to follow through.  This gives me an accountability of sorts.  

I was dreading the recovery process of my surgery and the having to start from scratch with my exercise, but it's turning out to be a blessing in disguise.  I'm eager to get moving again.  It's giving me a reset, a reboot.  I'm starting fresh, and everything feels exciting and new.  Only now I have the experience, I know what I capable of, my limits, and how much I can handle.  

Now... if I could only feel that way about the weight loss and food...  

H.A.L.T

A lot of you probably have already heard of "H.A.L.T" and what it means in regards to weight loss.  Before you eat, you should "halt" and then ask yourself if you are eating because you are:
   Hungry
   Angry
   Lonely
   Tired

Someone in the Weight Watcher meeting last week brought this up and I really wish I would have done that yesterday.  I had a great week of exercising (and running!) and eating well, then I overate on Friday night.  No biggie.  It was one night out of seven and I tracked everything I ate.  I was ready to put it behind me and focus on the rest of the week.

But yesterday?  Oh my...  Lets just say it was not pretty and I didn't track beyond lunch.  When I got tired of overeating on the half-way healthy foods we had in the house, I ordered pizza.  I did it fully aware of what it would do to me physically and emotionally.  Why did I do it?  I have a million excuses for why I did it but it comes down to the fact that I was tired.  Plain and simple.  The overeating could have been easily avoided if I had done one simple thing... slept.  A short nap would have kept me from all that overeating.  I don't know why I didn't do that at some point in the midst of my food frenzy, especially since I kept telling myself how tired I was.  I didn't have any plans for the day so napping would not have upset my day in any way.  

What it comes down to is old habits are hard to break.  I was tired, and probably a bit lonely (Hubby has been gone a week now), and was looking for comfort.  

I ate over half the pizza and put the rest in the fridge for breakfast today.  Later in the evening I was getting the garbage together to take to the dumpster (also known as hiding the evidence) and I did the first "right" thing all day... I took the leftovers out of the fridge, dumped it in the garbage bag, and took it to the dumpster.  

I'm not saying that I stopped eating at that point, but it did give me pause and caused me to stop the overeating for awhile.  

When I woke up this morning, I had many options on how to continue with my week.  I could say "screw it" and just eat whatever I want the rest of the week.  I could go back to exercising and tracking, all the while telling myself what a failure I am  Or I could look at the positive side of things.  I got rid of the leftovers, I can learn from the experience (I'm a slow learner, I've done this before and no doubt will do it again), I can forgive myself, and I can move on.  I lay in bed this morning going over things in my mind and decided forgiving myself and moving forward was the best course of action.  

I got out of bed, did the 15 minute Weight Watcher Express Workout, showered, and will get the things done today that I should have done yesterday.  I also have a noon time run planned with Juli.

I truly feel like I'm like starting all over with my weight loss.  I am having to relearn the good behaviors after months of falling into my old bad habits.  I'm having to start from scratch with my workouts, walks, and running.  Yes, I'm improving quickly with every workout and run I do, but it's frustrating to go from running half marathons to running a mile.  

I want the me of two or three years ago.  The woman who worked out diligently three days a week, ran three days a week and walked 14,000+ steps a day.  The woman who ate healthy and felt good with and in her own body.  I know she's in me.  I can feel her screaming to get out, yet I keep sabotaging her success with my old insecurities.  It may take me awhile to get her free, but I will.  I will keep working at it until things click into place once again.

As for today, I will take it minute by minute.  And I will remember to "H.A.L.T" before eating and will deal with the emotional or feeling instead of eating for comfort.  

Today will be a good day.  I just have to plan it that way.


  

Still feeling good and other ramblings

I'm amazed that even with as tired as I sometimes feel, how good I feel.  Life seems to be clicking back into place, and I love it!

Yesterday I did my morning workout and walked on all three of my breaks at work.  Best of all, I got to walk outside (yes, the Montana weather is improving at the moment) with my walking buddy, Windy.  Was so good to get out, walk, and talk.  I have missed that with all the happenings in my life.  

I did start to feel very tired after lunch yesterday, so on the way home it was very (VERY) tempting to stop somewhere and buy some pre-cooked food for dinner.  But I didn't.  Yea me!  As tired as I was, I came home, made dinner (spaghetti squash with a quick and easy beef sauce), cooked up the bacon and sausage for my breakfast the rest of the week, and got the nightly chores done before crashing on the couch.  Slept a bit better last night so not as tired today... though tired enough.  

Since I got some sleep last night, I got up this morning and jumped on the treadmill for another run.  I did 1.2 miles in 15:01 for an average pace of 12:31 mile.  Not as good as Sunday, but not bad for the treadmill (I always run slower on that thing).

Work is going well so no stress there.  Things have really settled down since the re-org and I'm almost caught up from my all my absences since January.  I feel confident in what I'm doing and find I enjoy all the new responsibilities.  The time flies by when I'm there, which means I'm not eating out of boredom.  That also makes it difficult to remember to get out for walk breaks.

Tomorrow is my Weight Watcher meeting.  I'm anxious to see if he scale reflects my progress this week.  I have worked out or ran the last four days, tracked my food, and have done well with my food choices.  Actually, with Hubby gone, I have done really well with my food choices!

Apparently I need to get off the laptop and give my cats some attention.  One is climbing over my laptop and the other is climbing my leg.  Poor guys are feeling neglected since Hubby left and I went back to work full time.  

Hoping I will have some good news regarding my weight in the next post.  Until then, stay happy! 

Running and other good things

The last two days have been amazing to me.  I feel like my old self again, something I have been longing for since before I scheduled the surgery.  Yes, I know... "Two days?  Big deal!" Well, it's a big deal to me. 

Yesterday was a great day.  I did a 14 minute lower body DVD, went for a mile walk, did some chores, and then in the afternoon I went for a one mile run with Juli. 

Felt great to put on my
running shoes again!

And how was the run? It was awesome!  The best I was hoping for was a combination of walking and running.  What I did was run nearly the whole mile!  I  set a comfortable pace and Juli kept me company.  About a half mile in, I took a short walk break, but that was my only walk break.  I did 1.08 miles in 13:23 which made my pace per mile 12:25!  Not only did amaze myself by running the whole distance, but I never would have believed that I could get such a good pace just 3 1/2 weeks after surgery.  

I have thanked Juli numerous times, because her saying she would run with me got me out to do it.  Since then, I have had a major mental shift.  I realized I am through the bulk of my recovery and there's nothing stopping me from getting back into my normal daily routine.  I have been much happier and more energetic since the run.  I spent way too much time wondering if I could do it, instead of just going out and doing it.  

I did well with my eating yesterday.  Not great, but pretty darn good for Hubby being gone.  No closet binging, no overeating, and I tracked everything I ate.  

I love the 15 minute Express
Workouts on these DVDs

As for today.  Again, it has been amazing!  I slept well last night.  My Fitbit showed I was waking up every 60-90 minutes, but I was able to get right back to sleep.  This morning I did another workout DVD, and headed off to work with a positive attitude and that feeling has stayed with me all day.  I even got out for walks on both of my breaks.  I haven't done that since the re-org at work.  I didn't walk as far as I usually do, but I still managed to get over 3/4 of mile in on both walks.

At lunch today, I met up with Sibyl and Ondrea.  Lunch was a lot of fun, getting caught up, laughing with friends, and I loved being away from the office for a bit.  Plus, I planned my meal before I went... and stuck to it!  

All of the this positivity and energy is giving me the motivation to do well tonight, too.  I came home from work and immediately started on the chores I wanted to get done before bed. And let's not overlook the fact I'm writing my third blog post this week.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another good nights sleep so this amazing, wonderful feeling will flow into tomorrow.  

Finally... getting back to the old me.  And maybe a little happier version of the old me!     

Just some early morning ramblings

Feeling pretty good this morning.  I had a fairly productive day yesterday and I slept better last night.  Not great, but my trusty little Fitbit showed that I was in bed for 7 hours 41 minutes and slept for 7 hours and 10 minutes.  Still a lot of tossing and turning, but I had a few hours of solid, uninterrupted sleep during that time.  

Gives me hope that my sleep may be returning to normal.  Will be tough this week with Hubby gone, because I never sleep well when he isn't home.  I tend to hear everything sound and with 3 cats moving around the house, I am awake a lot.  

As I said, yesterday was a fairly productive day for me.  I got things done around the house, ran errands, went to the Weight Watcher meeting, took a 30 minute nap (and actually slept), went for a walk, and had a nice dinner out with Hubby.

Juli came over, along with her three daughters, and we went for a short walk around the neighborhood.  It was nice to get out and even better to have someone to talk to about the recovery and getting back on track.  I explained about being tired and that I am to the point that I just need to workout regardless of how tired I am.  I expressed my desire to start running again and how I had thought about trying a walk/run all week, but never followed through.  Juli, being the true friend she is, said she would be over the next day and we would go out, even if it was just for 10 minutes.  So, today is the day I get back to it.  Regardless of how tired I may be. 

Since I was going to be running today, I decided that it may be time to get back into the habit of tracking my food.  I haven't done that since the 21 Day Sugar Detox and I feel as though that may be a factor in my weight gain over the last couple of months.  As of this morning, I am back on MyFitnessPal.com and already have my three meals logged.  Had to guess the calories and such since they are leftovers and I don't have the recipes built in the website, but it's a starting point.  

Now my only concern is the sneezing and running nose.  I cannot afford to be sick!  I just got back into the groove of work and the last thing I need is a cold that causes me to lose more work hours.  I have a ritual for my I-think-I'm-getting-a-cold feeling.  I take Emergen-C in the morning and then alternate between ColdCalm tablets and zinc lozenges throughout the day, then a second packet of Emergen-C at bedtime.  This ritual has worked for me all fall and winter, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed it works today as well.  Or that the sneezing and running nose is just allergies (believe it or not, three cats in the house and I'm allergic to cat dander).  

Today feels like a good day to me.  I have a much better attitude about getting back on track with my weight loss, I am looking forward to my first post-surgery run (or fast walk, depending on how I feel), and the sun is shining.  

I'm off to enjoy my breakfast of butternut squash pancakes and then I'm going to make a list of things I would like to get done today.  Staying busy is the key to not eating out of boredom... or loneliness.  

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday morning!

Frustratingly tired

Yep, as unbelievable as it may be, I'm writing two blog posts within a week.  I figured I had better write now while I have a tad bit of energy because I have no idea how I will feel next week.  

Mister, my little buddy during my recovery

I start back to work full-time on Monday and I'm a little nervous about it.  I have been tired this week.  Frustratingly tired.  I'm afraid I will be tired all week and won't the energy to anything other go to work.


This week was good and bad.  I was able to work quite a bit, which was great.  It got me out and about, got to visit with my co-workers, and I felt like I was starting to get back into a normal workday routine.  

The bad was the fact that I was tired.  Every day.  All the time.  It's frustrating to me because other than tired (and a few aches and soreness), I feel fine.  I certainly don't feel like I had major surgery.  In my mind, I should be able to breeze through the day.  But that's not the case.  I continually feel like I could curl up into a little ball and sleep.  And that's pretty much what I did on Monday and Tuesday.  I worked a little over four hours on Monday and then went home and took a 90 minute nap.  On Tuesday I worked 5 hours, went home and slept for 2 hours.  Wednesday I worked 6 hours but only took a 30 minute nap.  And then the real sleep issues started.  I had trouble falling asleep Wednesday night and I woke up at 4:30 and could not get back to sleep, so I got up and read until 5:30.  I was a little tired Thursday, but not bad.  I worked 8 hours, had a nice dinner out with hubby and figured I would crash at bedtime.  Nope.  Took a long time to fall asleep and I was awake at 3:40 and out of bed at 4.  

Needless to say, I was dragging on Friday.  I went into the office, planning to work for 4 hours and the go home, but ended up working nearly 8 hours.  I tried nap when I got home,  but I just could not get to sleep.  

I did sleep a bit better last night but I was still awake at 4:30.  I made myself stay in bed for another hour so I had at least 8 hours of "resting" even if I wasn't asleep the whole time.

Still tired today, but not as bad as yesterday.  I still feel like I could take a nap at anytime but it's hard for me to get to sleep and stay asleep.  I don't know why.  I have a little soreness in the abdomen for the surgery that will occasionally wake me up if I sleep on my side or on my stomach, but not enough to keep me awake.  I'm not stressing about anything (that I'm consciously aware of) because work is going well, as is my family and home life.  I haven't changed my eating and I am moving during the day (not as much as I would like, but I'm not sitting all the time).  

The only thing that I have changed this week is I stopped taking ibuprofen PM at night.  I had been taking 2 tablets a night for about 2 1/2 weeks and felt I didn't really need it any more.  I only took one tablet on Wednesday night and haven't had any since.  It's possible that not taking it has caused issues with nighttime sleep if my body had gotten used to it.  I'm trying to be "drug free" for the next couple of days (no iburprofen, no ibuprofen PM, no Excedrin Migraine) and see if eliminating all that helps with my sleep.  

The other issue with being tired all the time, is the eating.  I eat when I'm tired (okay, I eat for any reason, but this week is because I'm tired).  I have been snacking a lot because of being tired and eating more than I should.  I think I did better this week than the previous couple of weeks, but I still found myself eating when I wasn't hungry.  

The topic at Weight Watchers this week seems especially relevant to my eating issues.  The topic deals with emotional eating or eating when you are not hungry.  I know that tired is a feeling, but once I looked past the feeling, I realized I was also eating because I was bored (had no energy to do anything) and because I was frustrated with being tired.  I want to be back to my old self and have the energy and stamina to go for walks, to workout, to get something done at home besides watch old episodes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on Netflix (I won't go into the issues of eating in front of the TV, which has been better since Monday, but still an issue).

In the meeting we discussed the chain of events that leads to emotional eating and actions to take to avoid doing it in the future.  It was such a good topic that after hearing it on Thursday, I went back for another meeting this morning.  Not sure how much of it has sunk in, but I am hoping it will give me pause in the coming week and maybe stop or even avoid emotional eating all together. 

My weigh in this week was okay.  I maintained my weight from Saturday to Thursday.  It's actually pretty good since Thursday morning I had my normal 32 oz of water when I got up, plus a cup of tea and banana.  If I hadn't done that, I may have been down a bit.  

This week will be a very challenging one for me.  My hubby is going out of town for 7 days.  I tend to do a lot of "closet" eating when he is gone.  I will eat things I shouldn't,  in embarrassingly large amounts.  I do have a plan in place.  I have menu worked out for the next week, have gone shopping, have a few "treats" so I won't feel the need to bring junk food into the house, and my friends know I am on my own and will be checking in with me.  

I know with my hubby gone, working full time, and fighting this endless tired feeling it is going to be hard.  But with a plan and support, I will persevere.  I always do.  

Surgery, recovery, and getting back on track

So, the title of the blog should give you an idea as to why I haven't been blogging.  I had lots of time after the surgery to blog, but I didn't have the energy or motivation to do so.  I am now back to work (part-time) and I faced the scale at the Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday and I feel I'm ready (at least emotionally) to start the process of getting back on track.

The hysterectomy surgery went well.  They were able to do the laparoscopic surgery so only three little cuts, and for me, very little pain.  I was prepared to have a lot of pain, however, there was surprisingly little.  Or maybe I just had really good drugs.  Either way, I was moving to and from the bathroom at the hospital within 12 hours of the surgery and was more than ready to come home the following day.  

I spent the first few days of my recovery just laying on the couch or sleeping, then I began to venture outdoors for short walks around the block (I'm sure the neighbors thought I was casing the houses on our street since I was walking the same route over and over).  I was doing well the first week, but one week after the surgery, I began to lose my motivation to get out for the walks, I didn't want to do anything except lay on the couch and eat.  Looking back, I think I was falling into a depression of sorts.  About a week and a half after my surgery, a friend suggested we meet at the local coffee shop to talk.  She had the same surgery just two months before me, so she understood everything I was going through.  Walking to the coffee shop (just a block or so from my house) and talking with her really lifted my spirits.  It gave me some motivation to start moving and looking at where I wanted to go with my recovery.  

At two weeks I went in for my post op check up.  Everything is going great with my recovery and I got released to go back to work on a "part time, as tolerated" basis.  I went into the office the following day, just two weeks and one day after the surgery.  I only worked 2 hours, but it felt so good to be doing some of my normal routine and it was especially nice to just get out of the house!  Even though I had spent years being a happy homebody prior to my weight loss, I am no longer that person.  I want to be doing something, I want to be out and about.  

As for my weight, let's just say I am happy and not happy at the same time.  At my last weigh in at Weight Watchers I was 148.2, the morning of my surgery I was around 153 (was too nervous to retain the actual weight) and when I weighed in on Saturday I was 154.6.  

I managed to only gain a pound or two while I was at home recovering (in other words, laying around and eating for 2 1/2 weeks).  I thought for sure I had gained 8 to 12 pounds!  So I was thrilled at the small weight gain during the recovery and chalked the weight gain between the last weigh in and surgery to stress eating.

But am also unhappy... I am 19 pounds above my weight goal.  I know a lot of people say that isn't much in the scheme of things, but my weight has been slowly increasing for the last year or so.  It's scary to think that if I keep up with the way I'm eating that I could gain all my weight back in a very short amount of time.

Now I have a choice.  To whine and complain about the weight gain or to do something about it.  
I wish I could say that I came home from the WW meeting all ready to do battle with my weight, but I wasn't ready.  And quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'm totally there yet.  I'm more ready than I was yesterday, but I have a long way to go to get back on track.  

I am still in recovery mode.  Although I haven't had a lot of pain from the surgery (Yea for that!), I am still tired a lot of the time.  I feel energetic in spurts and then find myself crashed on the couch.  So gathering the energy to walk (my only form of exercise at the moment) is difficult.  And the cold Montana weather doesn't exactly entice me to go out of doors for some fresh air.  

Little exercise or activity leaves me sitting on the couch, which for me, leads to overeating.  It's a vicious cycle which I'm slowly getting out of.  I am working on some small things to get me back on track.  I'm trying to only eat at the table (no more snacking while on the couch watching TV), no distractions while eating (off goes the TV, no phone, computer, or tablet), and getting away from the processed foods (okay, still working on that one... craved a lot of comfort foods while recovering).

Those are my small steps I'm working on today.  I hope to start adding more as the week progresses.  I'm also adding a bit more activity to my day with some walking DVD's until the weather improves and I can get myself outside.  

Hopefully now that I am attempting to get myself back on track with the weight loss (and life in general), I will get back to blogging more.  Hopefully...