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| All ready for Christmas! |
Cutting it close on my once-a-week blog post, but taking a few minutes to squeeze it in.
I am officially on my five day, stay-at-home, do-nothing weekend! That being said, the "do nothing" hasn't happened yet! Difficult to do nothing on Christmas Eve when you have company coming the next day. I was up at 6:15, started on the chores, ran to do some last minute grocery shopping and gift buying, came home and wrapped gifts, finished the chores, made some Paleo Chocolate bites, and now at almost three in the afternoon I'm sitting down to write this blog. The last item on my to-do list.
I am a bit worried about 5 days at home. My eating tends to be at it's worse when I'm home and out of my normal routine. If today is any indication, I may be worrying for nothing. I've been so busy today that I haven't had time to snack and have stuck to healthy meals. If I can keep myself busy the next four days, then maybe my weigh in won't be so bad.
Since my normal Weight Watcher meetings are on Thursday and with the holidays the center will be closed, I will be going to the Saturday meetings the next two weeks. I will weigh in and hope for the best. I haven't been tracking and with the exception of yesterday and today, my eating has been horrible. I have been giving into all the goodies and temptations of the holidays.
Hubby and I will be hosting Christmas lunch tomorrow for my family. The plan is to have ham, a couple of healthy sides, and whatever extras my mom brings to the festivities. Hoping we will focus more on the Christmas fun than the food, but holidays always seem to center around food, don't they?
Friday, we will have two of my grandsons over for lunch (yes, food yet again), to open gifts, and to play with them for a bit. Will be fun to see them and they are so active (what 6 and 4 year old isn't?) that they keep us hopping. I'm sure food will be secondary for them when there are gifts to be opened!
Saturday will be the Weight Watcher meeting and Sunday is my 6 miles run.
So much for 5 days of doing nothing! I will still have plenty of down time, I just need to remember that relaxing does not mean grazing and eating everything in the cupboards. I want to enjoy a few holiday treats, enjoy the time with family, enjoy being at home with Hubby, and not having regrets when I step on the scale on Saturday.
Hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas Eve and has a blessed Christmas Day!
My husband and I got into a fight last night. But that is not what this post is about. I have to explain what happened in order to disclose a personal achievement for myself.
For me, this week has been extremely stressful at work. On Monday they announced a reorganization within our work area. I thought I was handling the stressful news fairly well until the dooms-dayers come into my office. You know the people... the ones that take bad news and make it worse. In this reorg no one is losing their job, in fact there is an opportunity to move up by applying for a newly created supervisor position or a chance to move to a different section and learn something more (or even something new). Sounds positive, right? Not for the people that have a hard time with change (hey, I'm one of those people, but this was one time I was going with the flow). Those "I-don't-want-to-change" people became the "this-is-going-to-be-awful" people. Spreading rumors that we won't be doing our same jobs, or we will lose certain parts of our current jobs, etc. Also had people coming into our office gripping about moving offices around. Anything they could find to be negative about, they were happily spreading the negativity.
That would be difficult to handle on a good day, but for me, this is a stressful time of year because I'm working on a fairly large project that needs to be done by the end of the year. I'm trying to get it done sooner so I can take a few days off around the holidays and be able to hang out and relax at home. The project, which I have done two or three times before, is not going as smoothly as it has in the past. Working with new people on getting it completed, little issues cropping up here and there, and I'm starting to stress about getting it in done in the time required.
And, as many of you may have noticed, it's the holiday season. If this fact has escaped you, you had better take a look at the calendar. One week from today is Christmas Day. So to add to my work stress is the normal holiday stress of shopping, wrapping gifts, getting card addressed and in the mail, and working with Hubby on organizing a small Christmas luncheon for my family (and my family is whole other stress in itself).
So, what is the point of post? I'm getting there... patience, please.
Yesterday was a fairly stressful work day, which I was trying to get through on 5 1/2 hours of sleep (I need 7 1/2 to 8 hours to be fully functional). I finally leave work after putting in 9 hours, headed home, and planned on a quiet evening of finishing up our Christmas cards.
Unfortunately, Hubby was also having a bad, stressful work day. He had worked from home all day, but realized he would need to go into the office after dinner to run some reports. So after a 9 to 10 hour work day, he still had several hours to go. Also, he's been so busy with work he hasn't really gotten to the Christmas shopping or other holiday activities, so I'm sure that has added to his stress.
Two stressed out people in one small house. Yeah, doesn't take much to cause a normally happy couple to turn on one another. Unfortunately our little fight took place while starting dinner prep. Hubby became angry and decided to just go into the office instead of waiting until after dinner.
Which left me at home, fully charged and emotional. And hungry.
Normally this would send me over the edge and I would have been ordering Domino's Pizza before Hubby even got his truck started. But all I could think of was the fact that I had to weigh in today. And that I couldn't deal with weight gain stress on top of everything else. So... I cried... contemplated ordering pizza... cried some more... contemplated raiding my candy stash... hugged the cats and told them my sorrows... thought about what I could make for dinner... worked on the Christmas cards... realized as hungry as I was, I was still emotional and eating anything might trigger a binge... so I finished up the cards and picked up the living room... settled on the couch with cats... and finally, about 7:30 ate a protein bar.
I went through a very emotional evening and did not give into the comfort food temptation. No junk food. No candy. I made it through without turning to food.
Victory for me!
I'm hoping that having conquered one emotionally charged evening without food, I will have the motivation to get through more situations without turning to food.
But for now, I will sit in the glow of knowing I can do it and was successful last night.
As for my weigh in at Weight Watchers this morning... well, last week I weighed in after drinking 24-36 oz of water and wearing jeans. This week, I skipped my morning water, but still wore jeans (it was cold out this morning!) and was down 4.8 pounds. Yep. In one week. So despite only two really good days of eating and tracking, I still lost. Yea me!
Now... to get through another stressful work day without diving into the holiday goodies that are around this time of year...
I finally did it! I had a good day, eating wise. I tracked my food and stayed within my calorie goal, even with going out to eat with Hubby. I wasn't hungry during the day and I made my step goal.
I'm hoping that my good day yesterday will carry me through today. I still feel good, have a bit of energy (though not as much as yesterday) and feel like I am in the right frame of mind to continue doing well.
Yesterday, I wrote "So what am I doing to myself, and more importantly, why?" I realized I answered the first part of the question, but never delved into the why. I have to wonder if that wasn't a subconscious effort to ignore the why or to avoid delving into my self-distructive behavior.
This morning I contemplated the "why" of my behavior over the last couple of months, but mainly the last couple of weeks. I was feeling good in September and October as worked through the 21 Day Sugar Detox. I felt fabulous, both physically and mentally, but within two weeks of finishing the detox, I was right back to my old habits. Why?
Good question and not one that I can give a definite answer to. I can come up with all kinds of excuses for overeating... Halloween (goodies running amuck), vacation at Disneyland, Thanksgiving, blah, blah, blah. All of those are excuses, nothing more. I have gone through plenty of holidays and vacations over the last 10 years to know that I can be successful with my weigh loss (or weight maintenance) through those challenging times.
So why have I gained so much weight this year? Why? Once I strip away all the excuses, I'm really not sure.
At first glance, life is no more stressful than any other year. No problems at home, no problems with family, work, or friends.
That brings me to my health. That may be part of it. And a bigger part than I realize. As I have mentioned before, I have uterine fibroids. I have had issues for years. More of an inconvenience and annoyance than anything else. But last year something changed and the issues became more consistent and in the last few months, more aggressive. It's to the point now that I have been considering surgery to overcome the problems. I have come to believe that a lot of my low energy and lack of enthusiasm is due to these issues. It may be that the changes in my running this past year (slower pace, not as much energy during the run) could be attributed to the fibroid issues.
Because of the chronic rundown, exhausted feeling, I have done a lot of comfort eating. And thinking about the possibility of surgery, being out of work for 2 to 4 weeks, and unable to exercise for 4 to 8 weeks has me stress eating.
Yes, part of my over eating may be due to health issues, but I am also using those issues as excuses to eat more... for comfort, to relieve stress, to help soothe the aches and pains, etc. And that has to stop. Regardless of what I decide to do or what needs to be done, I have to put my health first. Being overweight, inactive, and eating badly will only complicate matters going forward.
Which brings me back to the other question I posed yesterday, "is this food worthy of me?" Today that has a new meaning. I need to be eating only food worthy of me, to make me healthier to deal with other medical issues in the future. I only have one body, so I need to take the best care of it I can.
This is the question that was posed to us at the Weight Watcher meeting this morning. A spin on the standard question, "is that food worth it?" That to me, is an easy question to ask and answer. Most of the time the answer is "no" (yet that doesn't seem to stop me from eating it...).
But, "is this food worthy of me?" seems a harder question to answer. What does that even mean? To me, it would be food that is healthy, nutritious, and filling. A food that will leave me satisfied. There would be no guilt while eating it and no remorse after.
And lately, none of the foods I have been eating have been worthy of me or worth it in the long run.
So what am I doing to myself, and more importantly, why?
I reached my goal in 2010, and during the next three years I was able to keep an average of 115 pounds off. I felt good, though I struggled with keeping a healthy attainable weight. I was obsessed with calories in/calories out, but I was able to (for the most part) maintain my weight.
Then I started to move to a more "clean eating" approach to food. That worked well too. Then this year I decided to try a Paleo/Primal approach. Part of the Paleo philosophy is that there is no need to count calories if you are eating "real" food. Great! No more obsessing about calories in/calories out. I was free!
Yeah... apparently I don't handle food freedom well at all. If I wasn't tracking my food, then I could slip in the junk food here and there. Who would know? I wasn't tracking it, so it didn't count, right? Right?
Wrong.
I need to track. Plan and simple. Food freedom doesn't work for me. It's taken me months of gaining weight (and occasionally losing) to figure that out. I need to see what I'm eating, I need to see the calories, the protein, fat and carbs. I need the accountability. No more hiding what I'm eating.
This is not to say that Paleo doesn't work. It does. For me, with my emotional eating, my history of food addiction, I need something more to keep me accountable. I need to measure and weigh my portions. Not everyone needs to do this, but I do. I will continue to eat Paleo, but will allow myself an occasional indulgence and try to keep a 80/20 rule (eat Paleo 80% of the time) in effect.
I loved the way I felt while doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox, so I plan to cut back on the sugar and treats I have been eating over the last couple of months. I want to feel good again, to have energy, and be on less of an emotional food roller coaster.
I need to ask myself, "is this food worthy of me?" If not, I need to find the internal strength to walk away. And if it is, then I need to track it and be accountable for it.
After months of not tracking, not being accountable, and pretending everything was okay (when it clearly wasn't), it's going to be hard to get back on the track. But I am worth it. And the struggle is worth it. So, darn it, the food better be worth it, too!
Not feeling as blah this morning as I did on Friday. I think getting back into the walking helped. Since I was being mindful of my step count, I was also mindful about drinking my water (which helped with more steps... the running back and forth to the restroom!). I not only got my step goal, but I also got my 64 oz of water in for the day.
I didn't make my step goal on Saturday, but I did put a bit more effort into getting steps. I got myself on the treadmill a couple of times, which helped a bit. I was having a very low energy day so by mid-afternoon I had nothing left. Yesterday was a better day for getting activity in. My training plan called for a 10 mile run, which I did on the treadmill due to wind and ice. When I did the 9 mile run two weeks ago, I ended up walking, not running. Yesterday I did better and was able to maintain a slow jog for the run. I also got to watch a few of my favorite Christmas movies (Netflix is awesome for treadmill walking and running!).
Food... well, that is where I am off track. I just can't seem to reign in the overeating. I eat when I'm not hungry, I search for foods I wouldn't normally eat, and eat more than I should. I wish I knew why I was doing it. It's a very self-destructive path. I'm not happy, yet I do it anyway. I was hoping that the walking would lead to better eating, but that didn't happen. I have decided that today will be a better day. My chance to get it right. I've been up for two hours and so far, so good. :-)
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| Chocolate Bites |
I really need to get the eating under control. We're headed into the holiday season, which means more treats will be readily available. I want to have the right mindset and attitude to be able to say "no" or just walk away from treats. Yet, also be able to occasionally indulge (just not every day or two or three times a day) in some of favorite holiday treats without going overboard or triggering a binge. It's such a fine line to walk and I have yet to learn how to do it.
Tonight I plan on making my Paleo "treat," a Chocolate Bite. It's an easy recipe, 1/2 cup of dates, 1 cup of cashews, a tsp of vanilla and a pinch of sea salt. Mix in the food processor for 90 seconds (until you able to form a small ball with it), then add 1/4 to 1/2 cup dark chocolate and pulse 3 or 4 times until mixed with dates and cashews. Then roll them into balls (makes 12 small balls) and place in the frig. Easy to make and are very yummy. I generally make two batches so Hubby and I can both have one a day and I only have to make them every other week or so.
I'm hoping by having my own "treat," it will keep me out of the candies and cookies that seem to be all around me this time of year.
Today is a new day. A fresh start. And yes, I've said this many times... and one of these days it just might be true, but I won't know if I don't try!
Yep, that's how I'm feeling lately. Just blah.
I go through these funks every now and then, so for me it's just part of who I am. I get to the point that I have no motivation to do anything, I'm tired, and I look for excuses to not exercise or to not eat healthy. Usually this feeling lasts a day or two and then I'm back it.
But this time around, the funk has persisted for nearly a week. I've been feeling completely worn out, I haven't exercised since Sunday and even my walking has dropped to nearly nothing (and my Fitbit Friends have noticed and commented on it!). I had kept my eating somewhat under control, until yesterday. Then it became a junk food frenzy.
I wish I could say that today is starting out better, but I am eating a big ol' cinnamon roll as I write this. They say confession is good for the soul, right? Maybe if I get back to blogging, writing about my struggles, then I can somehow manage to work (write) myself out of this funk and get back on track. I am a much better person when I am exercising regularly and eating right. I'm less emotional, have more energy, and I don't feel blah.
Weight Watchers stresses the importance of making small changes. Don't try to do everything at once because that can be overwhelming. So I'm going to work on one thing today. Getting my step goal. This is something I will have to work at, but it is something doable. I will get my step goal today.
As I may have mentioned before, I have an unusual daily step goal. I have my step goal set at 14, 286. Why such an odd number? Because my daily step goal helps me reach my weekly goal of 100,000 steps. If make the daily goal, then I know I will get my weekly goal.
How far off from my weekly goal at this moment? I currently have 43,128 for the past 6 days. So going from my average of 90,000-100,000 weekly steps, down to 43,000... well, you can see why my Fitbit Friends were concerned.
So, today I focus on steps. And if experience (and this never-ending weight loss journey) has taught me anything, it's that when I focus on small change, all the other pieces needed to get back on track just seem to fall into place.
It's time to get out of this funk and move on with my life. I want to old me back... the contented with life, energized, less pessimistic Stacy! (Anyone who knows me, know I would be lying if I said my general attitude is a positive one, so less pessimistic is all I'm striving for! LOL)
I'm going to wrap this up so I can go do my "walk about" the building and get a few more steps on my Fitbit. Here's to a more positive Friday so I can go into the weekend with a better attitude!
