I did it!

I did it!  Okay, there has actually been a couple of "I did it!" moments this week. 

First was the completion of the Beck Diet Solution book.  I have owned this book for 10 or 11 years, but have never completed it.  The farthest I got was day 32 (out of 42 days).  This week I finished all 42 days worth of assignments and read the last two chapters.  When I did the book before, the days seem to drag on, but this time around, the 6 weeks have flown by.  

I will keep this book handy, because there are plenty of behaviors I still need to work on (mainly the sabotaging thoughts that plague me daily). When I start to struggle, I can "re-do" the topics that will help me get back on track.

I am still working my way through the 100 Days of Weight Loss book.  Day 46 and counting.  This book is an easy one to follow, but thought provoking enough to keep me thinking throughout the day.  

My second, "I did it" moment was getting my step average up to 10,000 steps a day.  I've slowly increased my steps day by day until I got to this point.  Now I average just over my 10,000 step goal.  This is a big deal for me... When I started on my walking routine, my average was 4,841 steps per day.  In other words, no consistent or spontaneous activity.  Now my activity is walking 30 minutes in the morning and walking 15 to 35 minutes in the evening to get my step goal.  I stretch every day for 15 minutes and just move more throughout the day.  Feels good to be active again.  As good as the physical activity is, it's even better for me mentally.  Nothing beats the "I can do it" feeling when I complete a walk (or hike... more on that in a moment), or finish a difficult yoga/stretch pose.  

Another "I did it" moment was my weigh in this week.  I had a small goal to get to the weight I was last year on my birthday (which is less than 2 weeks away).  I knew this was attainable goal, nothing ridiculous.  I lost 2.5 pounds this week (bringing the total to 13.3 lbs in six weeks), putting me below what I was last year at this time.  I have lost my vacation weight, holiday weight, and quarantine weight.  Now that is a good feeling! 

WK and RS

My last "I did it" moment happened this morning, just a couple of hours ago.  I had written about reconnecting with friends and going for walks on Friday afternoons (now on Saturday mornings) and I am still continuing with that.  Last week, my friend RS suggested we go walking (hiking) some of the trails not far from where we were.  I've hiked with RS many times in the past and she is an avid hiker.  So I reminded her that I'm taking it easy... I want to walk (hike) the easy trails, no major hills, something relatively flat.  She said no problem.  Because I know RS and how she hikes, I knew there would be hills.  And I still agreed to go.  

RS, WK and I

RS, WK and I meet up at the trail head and headed out for an "easy" hike.  We went slow, we looked at the views, RS pointed out all the mountains surrounding us (many of them I had hiked in the past), slowed to show us the last of the summer flowers, pointed out various trails in the area, and we talked about hikes, WW (we were all in WW together), weight loss, and life.  It was an awesome hike.  Easy?  Well, not difficult, but I did have to take a couple of breaks to catch my breath or give my legs a break.  No hills? RS doesn't know how to hike without a few hills (or gradual inclines).  A flat hike?  Nope.  Did I complete this hike?  Yes!  (with a few minutes of complaining here and there...)

So my normal, 30 minute morning walk, turned into an hour plus hike, over 400 feet of elevation (I never said they were major hills... but there were hills!), and an awesome feeling of accomplishment.  Thank you RS and WK for an wonderful morning.  And I'm already looking forward to next week's adventure!  

With all the major "I did it" moments, there were some small ones as well.  This past week, I've been struggling with insomnia (falling asleep has become a nightly issue), which makes me tired and irritable during the day.  Normally, my answer to being tired, is to eat.  Eat a lot.  It's been rough trying to figure out how to deal with the tiredness, and frustrations from being tired, without eating.  I've taken time during the day to rest or nap (gotta love the advantages of working from home!), I've gone for short walks around the yard to help wake myself up so I could focus on work, and I even made it through a work meltdown (another advantage to working from, no one can see me cry) without turning to food.  Was it easy?  Heck no!  It was all could do not to go in search of something to eat.  But when the emotional crisis or tired feeling had passed, I felt awesome for not giving in to the emotional eating.  

Like every time I write a post lately, I wonder if these good feelings will last.  How long can I keep this positive, I-can-do-it attitude?  How long before one "bad" day leads to a string of bad days?  

The most important question I ask myself, "Can I continue to do what I'm doing for a lifetime?" The answer to that yes.  But "Will I continue to do this for a lifetime?"  That is something only time will tell... 

 

Waiting for the wall

 "This is still working for me!"  is a thought I have almost daily.  

I keep waiting to lose interest, have a bad day and quit, or hit that imaginary wall where I just can't see myself following a weight loss program for one more day.

39 days in and that still hasn't happened.  If I was to be totally honest with you (okay, and honest with myself), I don't think I have stuck to type of weight lose program for this long in years... As in the last 4 to 5 years.  This just feels... well.... weird.  

Shouldn't I be ready to quit?  Or at the very least, looking for the loop holes that would allow me to eat more without actually cheating or going off program?  

I haven't done any of that.  

What I have done?  I eat at the table, eat with limit distractions, cut back on the snacking between and after meals, and upped my activity to 30 minutes a day.  That's pretty much it.  Still eat the same meals I was eating prior to starting this... spaghetti with wheat noodles, tuna noodle casserole, beef stroganoff (with either wheat noodles, brown rice or cauliflower rice), pork chops and mashed potatoes... all the foods I love.  I eat a hearty breakfast of breakfast sandwiches or wraps, breakfast skillet (ground pork, peppers, onions and potatoes),or pancakes and sausage or bacon (with real maple syrup - not the pancake syrup concoctions).  If I do have a snack, it's string cheese or a portion of fruit.  Sometimes I have a treat.  Last Saturday, Hubby brought me a brownie from the local bakery (which we shared) and the next day I had a thin slice of very yummy cake made by niece. 

And guess what... even with all... I lost 2.5 pounds last week.  I didn't track one calorie.  I ate real food, a couple of treats, and still lost weight. 

This is where all the self doubt starts kicking in.  Before, when I wanted to lose weight, I had to cut back on the food I was eating, I thought of treats as "bad" and felt the need to count every calorie going into my body and every calorie I expended during the day.  I was darn near obsessive about it because I was sure if I didn't then I wouldn't be able to lose weight (or maintain my weight).

This time, I'm more focused on how I'm eating and why I'm eating and the weight is coming off.   And coming off faster than I would have imagined.  This can't possibly be right... or can it...? 

By eating when I'm hungry (not because of the time of day, because others are eating or just because the food is there) and pushing my plate away when I'm full (*gasp* there is still food on my plate!), I am, for the first time, listening to my body.  I have always felt the need to be the best participant of the "Clean Your Plate Club" and always ate every thing on my plate.  Usually because it was there, so I might as well eat.  If someone else made the meal, I felt obligated to finish it or would hurt their feelings (Hubby and I actually had a discussion about that one since I always felt I had to finish any meal he made).  Or if we were out to eat, then yes, I have to finish this food because, gosh darn it, we paid for it (I have recently learned how to say "could I please get a to go box?").  

I'm still learning my hunger signals, still figuring out that moment when I am satisfied with a meal (not full or stuffed), and still learning to walk away with food on plate.  I'm learning I don't have to eat my entire meal in one sitting.  It's okay to feel satisfied and then finish the meal later if I get hungry again.  If I take the time to slow down and listen to my body, all the information is there.  

For me, this is an amazing discovery.  I've spent years ignoring every signal my body has given from food to exercise.  I ate when I thought I should, in amounts predetermined either by someone else or randomly.  I worked out to the point of causing injury because I didn't listen to my body.  

The question that nags at me every day is... how long will this last?  How long will I continue to pay attention to all the cues my body is giving me?  Can I really do this forever?  Is all of this just some sort of weird fluke and I will eventually give up and gain weight back?  Is this the new me or a temporary me? 

I don't know the answers to those questions... no one does.  I can only take this one day at time... I one hunger signal at time... and pray for the best.    

Day 32

I have now been working my way through the Beck Diet Solution Book and the 100 Days of Weight Loss for 32 days.  I have made a lot of changes to how I eat, but not what I eat and I've still managed to lose 8.2 pounds in four weeks.  If you would have told me it was possible for me to lose weight without counting WW Points or calories, I would not have believed you. But here I am.

I am feeling very good about the changes I've made, I'm still focused on changing my behaviors and increasing my activity, and feeling better both physically and mentally.  So all is good...

...maybe...

The self doubt is starting to creep back in.  I'm starting to think this will take too long.  What happens when I hit an emotional day? What if.. what if... what if... thoughts are starting to crowd out the positive feelings.  I don't have these thoughts every day, but I'm noticing them lurking more and more.  

I have a friend I email nearly every day who is on her own weight loss journey (and doing amazing!) and we were discussing the "honeymoon" phase of weight loss.  The period in which the diet is new and exciting, and you can't wait to see what the future brings.  But eventually that ends... then what?  I told her I have three phases I go through when I am focusing on weight loss.  

The Honeymoon Phase:

    This is the best phase, isn't it?  Life is good and full of possibility.  Trying a new diet, seeing those initial big losses on the scale.  Everything is fun and exciting.  This phase, for me, can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months... depending on the diet and what's going on in my life.

The Realization Phase:

    This the phase that usually derails me, makes me want to quit or causes me to quit.  This when the reality of the diet hits me.  When I realize this is what I will need to do for the rest of my life to lose weight and maintain the weight loss.  And if I am on the wrong diet (wrong diet for me, not saying these are bad!) such as Paleo, Whole 30, etc., then I quit.  I find myself craving the foods the diet says to avoid, and then I binge on those foods. 

    Sometimes I will bounce between the Honeymoon Phase and the Realization Phase, like I've been doing for the last week.  I know that what I'm doing is good for me, but I also know that I will need to be patient, that the weight will not come off over night.  

    This Realization Phase is generally a shorter phase for me.  I either quit or I accept this is what I want to do and I'm willing to do to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight.  Unfortunately, I have spent many (MANY) short periods in this phase in the last five years.  And every time, I have quit.  I don't move on to the next phase.

The Acceptance Phase: 

    This is a great phase to be in.  This is where I have gotten past the newness of the diet, past the reality of what needs to be done, and I just do it.  I have accepted that I can do this and I am willing to do this for the long term.  

    When I initially lost the weight and was on maintenance, I was in this phase for over 4 years.  I felt great, I tracked my calorie intake every day, I exercised (and for the most part, enjoyed it), and knew what I was doing was keeping me healthy.  Looking back, I can see that a string of events led me down to some wrong paths on my weight loss and I have been struggling to find my way back.  I can't just jump into this phase, I will need to go through the other two phases before I get to this point.  

*******

This time, my approach to weight loss is different than before.  When I joined Weight Watchers in 2004, I was focused on food and my input/output to lose weight.  I struggled all through my weight loss with emotional eating and my unhealthy relationship with food (there's a reason it took me 6 years to lose 116 pounds).  I worked on those issues here and there throughout my weight loss, but never truly learned how to deal with emotional eating.  And that was a major reason I gained the weight back.  Life threw me a bunch of changes that I was not prepared for and I used food to soothe my soul.  And it didn't work.  I gained the weight back, fast at first, slower over the last couple of years... but to the point that my weight became another issue I had to deal with.  

This time I am more focused on my relationship with food.  I learned over my 10+ years of weight loss and maintenance what my body needs in terms of quality and quantity of food.  Food I can handle without much issue.  So this time, it's about learning to deal with the emotional eating, how to handle what life throws at me without turning to food.  It's about accepting my weight as it is today, getting past the embarrassment of gaining the weight back, and asking my family and friends for help.  

By asking Hubby to be my "diet coach" and giving him instructions on what I need from him, an how I need him to respond in certain situations, he has become my biggest supporter through this.  By getting past our unspoken competitiveness in weight loss and activity, my best friend and I now turn to each other for support during the rough days.  By accepting the offer to walk with friends, I have reconnected with people I haven't spend time with in years (thank you KR and WK for Friday evening walks!! ).  

I don't know what tomorrow will bring... it could be I hit the Realization Phase like a brick wall and find I can't continue.  But right now, this moment, I'm in the Honeymoon Phase, and will enjoy this moment while its here.  

Thank you! And other miscellaneous ramblings

I just had to write and say thank you to all my Facebook friends that commented on my post. I was hesitant about linking the blog post to my Facebook page.  I felt embarrassed to admit I had gained so much weight back and that I was starting over again (for the umpteenth time!).  The responses I got were so positive and heartwarming!  A special thanks to AB and RB, whose comments brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart with love.  And a shout out to KR, WK and RS, who all immediately volunteered to walk with me.  Thank you all! 

I had another good week, with lots of positive benefits from following the weight loss books.

There was one moment of self doubt.  I weigh myself twice a week, as a compromise to the two books I'm following. One book says to weigh everyday (to desensitize yourself to the scale so you use it as one of many tools to gauge how you are doing) and the other says to weigh once a week (so the scale doesn't affect your attitude during the week).  I decided to do a mid-week "check in" on Sunday with my "official" weigh in on Wednesday.  This was working great until this past Sunday.  Stepped on the scale, feeling positive, pleased with the way I had stuck to my behavior changes, and the scale turned on me.  It announced I was up 1.4 pounds.  And I'm pretty sure it was flashing that number in a mocking way.  

Laying back down on the bed, I thought about what could have caused it.. I reminded myself that weight can fluctuate as much 5 pounds a day depending on food, water and activity.  I told myself that Sunday is just a mid-week check-in, it is not of my official weigh in day.  I had a choice to make, I could accept the number as just that, a number; or I could let it be the undoing of 19 days of doing things "right."  I decided to let it go.  I would just continue on as I had been doing.  Then Hubby reminded me that I had a bout of heat exhaustion the day before (yard work in 80° to 90° heat + not enough water = heat exhaustion).  He pointed out that my body was probably still recovering from that and to not let the number on the scale get to me.  

And he was right.  When I weighed in on Wednesday, I was down 1.3 for the week.  That's 7.2 pounds in three weeks.  Yea me! 

Another challenge this past week was a family BBQ, with all the good food that entails.  I had a few slices of meat and cheese (no crackers) and a couple of chunks of watermelon for the appetizer; ate a cheeseburger (no bun), watermelon, and a green salad (which I brought) for the main meal.  I said no to the cupcakes and popsicles.  I ate slowly and mindfully, while still holding conversations with my family.  The best part?  When Hubby said he was proud of how I did!  💖

This week I had several other proud moments.  

For years, I have used an app called "Runkeeper."  I downloaded it when I was running to keep track of my distance and pace.  I also used it for the occasional hikes and walks.  Since I've started walking again, I use it as a guide for my time and distance.  After using the app on and off since May of 2013, I have logged 1000 miles of walking, hiking and running.  That made me feel good about the morning walks I had been doing, knowing those 1 - 1.5 mile walks added to the milestone.  

Fitbit is another app I have used daily since Hubby bought me my first Fitbit for Christmas in 2012.  I've had three different Fitbits over the years.  I had to replace my original one after losing it in the medical tent at the Tough Mudder in Tennesse (replaced it the next morning!) and then I bought myself a Fitbit Charge 2 several years ago.  Even when I wasn't doing any activity, I still wore it everyday. I've logged over 10,000 miles in 8 years.

In the last month, I have been slowly increasing my steps every day.  I'm working on being more active, but being cautious because I don't want to fall victim to my foot/knee pain again.  My "slow and steady" method seems to be working.  Both my steps and active minutes are up from the previous 28 days.  

I use those apps as daily motivators to keep me focused on my ultimate goals... to be healthy when I retire in 6 years and with the hope I may be able to run again in the future.  

I'm now on Day 24 of both the Beck Diet Solution and the 100 Days of Weight Loss.  I enjoy my "me time" in the mornings.  That hour I spend on getting in a walk and working on the books helps keep me focused throughout the day.  And the support of Hubby and my friends keep me going as well.  

Yes, I'm well aware I'm still in the "honeymoon" phase of my diet right now, but I'm okay with that.  I'm enjoying the newness of it all... and enjoying the way I feel.  And trying to just take this one day at time.  

I'm loathe to say it...

Okay, I really don't want to say I'm "starting over" or "back on track."  I am very much aware of how many times I've said that in the last 4 to 5 years.  


So instead... how about I say "I'm changing my behavior."  And let me add, I'm still in the "honeymoon" phase of this round of trying to do better for myself.  

(And that looks like a lot of quotes for two short paragraphs!)

Like a lot of people, I'm struggling with everything that is going on in the world right now.  The virus, protests, the mishandling of both of those and many other things.  All of it is very depressing, and I handled this depression like I always do... by eating.  

And guess what?  That didn't work... didn't stop me from trying though...

My weight, which had been going up quickly anyway, was starting to concern me.  That was a relatively new feeling.  For months (years), I've manage to ignore my weight gain whenever possible.  You would think that would be a difficult thing to do since it's my body.  But it's surprisingly simple... first, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror.  And if I do need to look in the mirror, I stick with looking from the neck up.  Second, I stopped getting on the scale.  My weight wouldn't go up if I didn't step on the scale....right?  Third, I avoid seeing people who knew me "before" to eliminate any possible embarrassment. That became the best part about being quarantined... less likely to run into people out and about.  

All of that was working for me... until it wasn't.  I realized I could no longer do any of the things that made me truly happy... hiking, fishing (stream fishing, lots of walking), backpacking, running.  I was getting tired just walking around Walmart.  I was continually in pain or sick, constant headaches, and just feeling miserable.  I could no longer ignore what was going on.  

Over the course of several weeks, I contemplated what I could do.  I knew what worked for me to lose the weight in the past, I knew what worked to maintain a healthy weight.  I weighed the pros and cons of what I could do and what I should do.  Then my self-doubt kicked in.  How many times have I started over?  How many times did I jump back into the same routine, only to quit a week or a month later?  Did I really want to do that again?  I could do Weight Watchers (or WW as it's now known) online, but that never worked for me.  I needed the interaction of the meetings... which are now stopped for an indefinite amount of time.  And really, would I walk back into the WW center having gained nearly all the weight I lost?  Just the thought filled me with shame and embarrassment.  (Even though, logically, I know no one would say anything, and people would be as happy to see me as I would be to see them).  

What could I do?  What could I do that would get me in the right mindset to move past all the negative thoughts? 

I decided I would dust off my old Beck Diet Solution book and do some of the daily activities in that while I contemplated my options.  I could try WW online, Noom, just counting calories on MyFitnessPal.com, eating clean, or re-trying the Whole 30 or 21 Day Sugar Detox.  

I dug out the Beck Diet Solution book and found the 100 Days of Weight Loss book as well.  I decided on whim to give them both a try.  Why not?  The only thing I had to lose was weight.  (Bad jokes... I got 'em!).

Then, I had to figure out when I was going to work on the books.  Each book has a daily section with an "assignment" to do during the day.  I know from experience that the Beck Diet Solution (here on out to be known as BDS) would take about 10 - 15 minutes a day.  I assumed the other book would take that long as well.  When could I set aside 30 minutes to work on improving myself?  I thought about my current schedule... get up, work on the Lego business, log into work (I'm fortunate enough to have a job that allows me to work from home during this time), work from 7-3, work on Lego from 3 - 5 or 6, eat dinner, and crash on the couch (hey, don't judge... by 6 pm I've worked 11 to 12 hours!).  

I decided to give up my hour in the morning that I worked on my Lego business to focus on me.  Using my past experience, I know that focusing on healthy behaviors in the morning keeps me focused throughout the day.  Less likely to go astray.  

I figured since I was going to use that time for me, I might as well go for 15 - 30 minute walk as well.  

Making that decision, I moved forward with my plan.  Work on the weight loss books (both books are meant to help create healthy behaviors so you can more easily stick to your weight loss plan).  In fact, the BDS doesn't have you start your diet until Day 15.  Perfect!  Gave me time to think about what I wanted to do.  

I started all this 18 days ago.  Yeah, so only 18 days into it... but I feel great.  Since starting I've only had one major headache (day 1, when I decided to not have any sugar) and two minor headaches since then.  3 headaches in 18 days is an awesome record for me! 

I started walking in the morning... slowly building up from 15 minutes to 30 minutes.  I am very slow, but I remind myself (as does the FitBit dashboard) that I have increased my steps by over 50% from the previous 28 days.  I am making the time to get out and walk... and even 5 minutes at a slow pace is better than zero minutes.  I have made a couple of mental long term goals in connection with my activity, but for now I'm keeping them to myself (well, me, Hubby, and best friend).  I want to focus on what I can do right now and not get distracted by what I want to do later.  

Since the BDS gave me the 15 days before starting a diet, I used that time to focus on healthy behaviors.  The one that has made the biggest impact, by far, is the "sit at the table" rule.  So simple, but for me a game changer.  I have to sit at the table anytime I want to eat.  Even a snack.  Even a bit of cookie.  I sit at the table with limited distractions (more on that in a second).  I noticed once I had to do that, I would rethink anytime I had the urge to eat.  "Am I really hungry?"  "Do I want to stop what I'm doing to sit at the table?" "Is the hunger at such a level I am willing to stop this activity?"  More times than not, I would just shrug off the urge to eat and keep doing whatever it was I was doing before the thought to eat hit me.  

I did figure out very quickly, what I can and can't do while sitting at the table to eat.  One of the other BDS steps is to eat slowly and mindfully (this one is still difficult for me).  I have figured out I can't have a screen in front of me (no TV, computer, tablet or phone).  I can't read a book either (I tend to shovel the food in while reading).  I can listen to an audio book, converse with Hubby, or listen to the radio and still eat slowly and mindfully.  

I've learned to slow down my eating by setting my fork/spoon down between bites and emptying my mouth before picking up the utensil.  Meals times have become longer.  I now use my morning break from work for breakfast (no more eating while working) and my afternoon break for lunch (I sit outside in the shade to eat, enjoying some fresh air).  

Another big change has been the support from Hubby.  He has always supported me in my weight loss efforts, but this time around instead of just saying "Please help me," I had him read the page from the BDS book about selecting a diet coach (mentor, friend, someone you turn to when struggling).  He better understood what I needed from him.  Then there were several days in the 100 Days of Weight Loss books that had me write out how I wanted my family/friends to respond to certain scenarios (going off program, weight gain, emotional eating, etc.).  It was helpful for me to write out how I wanted Hubby to respond to these scenarios and even more helpful for Hubby.  So instead of the vague "help me" he knows that if I seem to be emotional eating, he needs to ask me how I'm feeling.  If he sees me eating out boredom, he knows to suggest that I do something else for 5-10 minutes then if I still want to eat after that, I can (chances are good, if I do something else, the urge to eat will pass).  

During the first 15 days, I cut back on snacking (didn't want to sit at the table, so I skipped the snacks), drank more water, and went for more walks.  Never counted one calorie.  Never changed my meals in any way (okay... week two I started eating more salads and veggies).  You can probably guess what happened...  I lost 5.9 pounds in two weeks.  To say I was amazed, would be an understatement.  I had read books you could lose weight without counting calories and WW had their "Simply Filling" plan, but I didn't think I would ever be one of those people.  Yet, here I am.  

It's only been two weeks (or 18 days), but I feel great, I've lost weight, and my depression has subsided (of course, limiting my access to the news also helped with that).  I get out for a planned walk every morning, and stretch every evening with Hubby.

Will this attitude last?  God, I hope so.  But I'm a realist.  I know that I have a long way to go.  It took me 6 years to lose the weight before and I am more than willing for it to take that long again... as long as I learn that I need focus on my behavior just as much (if not more) than what I am eating.  For the time being, I am not going to count calories, but I am writing down what I eat during the day so I am aware of what I'm eating. As long as I'm seeing a lower number on the scale each week, I don't feel the need to count calories right now. 

I just pray, that my next blog post is not another "I'm starting over" post, but a "look at what I've continue to do" post.