Another day, another chance to start over

Over a month since my last blog entry... wow...  I remember as a kid my dad talking about how time flies as you get older but not believing him.  How could time fly when, as a kid, the days felt endless?  Especially around the holidays.  Well, I get it now.  A week can be gone in the blink of an eye.  And a month in two blinks.  

I do enjoy writing this blog, but I often feel what I have to say may not be of interest or just another repeat on the same theme.  It becomes very easy for me to tell myself I will write something tomorrow... and then here I am a month later.  Plus, the one thing I've noticed over the years (I did the same thing with my blog on the Weight Watcher site), is I don't write when things are going well.  There's less to talk about when things are going great, when I'm sticking to program (any program), getting my activity in, and just grooving along.  

I'm back to today to say things are going okay.  Not great, but not as well as they had been.  Another bump on this long, winding, weight loss journey.

Let me start by saying, doing the Whole 30 was awesome experience.  I loved it!  Without sugar and carbs spiking my blood sugar, I was happier, energetic, and able to handle the day to day stresses without breaking down into an emotional mess.  Which means, Hubby was much happier as well.  

I was grooving along with the Whole 30 and it turned into the Whole 35.  35 days without carbs and processed sugars.  I didn't "cheat" even once.  It was great.

Then the Halloween party.  Halloween is struggle for the best of us.  Party's are always a challenge.  Combine the two and... well... any good intentions I had went right out of the window.  A Halloween party is not the place to try and re-introduce one or two foods.  Food, drink, and conversation.  The night went by fast.  And the next morning, I was not feeling good at all.  I only had one drink (my favorite, a Mike's Hard Lemonade... pure sugar), a few bites of this and that... and a taste of this and that... all carbs.  

The next morning I felt awful.  I felt like I was hungover, but I didn't see how that possible with just one drink.  I suffered the through the day and by dinner time felt better.  But the next day it became apparent that I wasn't hungover, it was the first step in a two week long cold/flu.  I went from party eating to comfort eating within two days.  Granted, I handled the comfort eating better than I had in the past, but I could have made some different (healthier) choices during the week.  Then, before I was over this nasty cold, Hubby and I were on vacation.  Tired from the cold, stressed from missing work, and traveling from Montana to California tipped me over the edge.  I went into the "I don't care anymore" mindset and ate carbs and processed sugars every day. 

We've been home a week and a half and I'm still in that mindset.  Cold is gone so no need to comfort eat.  Stress from work has gotten better since I am somewhat caught up from being gone.  Yet every day, I'm continuing with my bad food choices.

Every morning I get up and tell myself this is the day I get back on track, start eating clean again.  No carbs or processed sugars.  I can do this.  I did it for 35 days.  I can do it again,

Then the lure of the doughnut, or the candy, or the chips become too much and I'm eating foods I shouldn't be eating.

I have done a lot of reading on eating clean, eating naturally, on Primal eating, Paleo eating, and books on eating behavior.  Quite a few of these books talk about the chemical reaction in our brain when we eat certain foods, a similar reaction to that of people with a drug or alcohol addiction.  I don't know if I'm addicted to the carbs and processed sugars, but it feels as though I am.  I do great without that stuff in my life, but once I start eating it, things seem to fall apart.  

Since I started eating processed sugars and carbs again, I am tired, emotional, and more stressed about the little things.  I feel fat, start thinking negative thoughts, and become more lethargic and uninterested in things.  I also start "sneak eating."  I don't want Hubby to know that eating junk so I eat those foods at work or sneak them into my scrapbook room and eat it while he's in the other room.  

Which is why I'm writing this blog entry after a month away. Today is a new day.  A day to start over (yes, yet again!).  Today I admit that I have a problem, I am addicted to processed sugars and carbs.  I need to go back to what works for me.  I need to quit eating the junk food and eat the healthy, natural foods that make me feel good.  

I want to go back the happy, energetic person I was a month ago.  And I will.  Starting today.

Emotional Eating

Hi, my name is Stacy and I am an emotional eater.

I accept this fact about myself.  It's the main reason I gained weight, struggled for 6 years to lose 120 pounds, why I gained 40 pounds back, and why I'm once again fighting to get rid of the weight.

I not only eat when I'm emotional, but also when I'm tired, and when I'm not feeling well.  

This past week I have really struggled with the comfort eating while not feeling well.  Being on the Whole 30 is challenging enough because they discourage snacking and want you to focus on bigger meals instead.  Which works pretty good when I'm feeling all fine and dandy... but not so much when I'm tired or not feeling good.  Last week I was fighting a cold/sinus issues for a few days and the cravings hit me big time.

At the time I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly craving sweets, but Hubby pointed out I usually fall into my habit of comfort eating when I don't feel well, and now that wasn't an option if I wanted to remain dedicated to the Whole 30.  I suffered through (as did Hubby since he had to listen to my whining), but I made it through without giving into those cravings.  Score for me!  :-)

I am still amazed at how well I'm doing on the Whole 30.  I wasn't all that gung-ho to do it but when Hubby said he was going to give up beer for 30 days (he loves his micro-brews!), then I felt I could go 30 days without my usual treats.  Knowing he is giving up something he loves motivated me to give up my doughnuts, cookies, and fun-sized candy treats.  

I had my moments when I was close to giving in, but a lot of times I've been able to say no to temptation... and mean it.  No regrets or internal struggles.  I am a little worried about what I will do when the 30 days are up and I start reintroducing some of my favorite foods.  I just hope I can remember that I don't need them and they should just be occasional treats, not everyday snacks.

And as for my weight loss?  The Whole 30 is not a weight loss program, but with the change in my eating and the change in my activity, I have lost 9.3 since Labor Day.  I am back to where I was at the beginning of May and finally feel like I'm making progress and not just bouncing back and forth between the same 6 to 10 pounds.  

Are you wondering what my activity is if I'm not running or doing CrossFit?  Nothing.  That's right nothing.  Other than my walks during the day, I don't do any other activity.

There were times I felt guilty about not walking more, not attempting to run, or not doing any workout DVD's, then I realized guilt would only lead to emotional eating.  So I refuse to feel guilty about not working out.  I'm happy, losing weight, and feel great.  So until one of those three things change, I'm content just walking with friends.

This 11 year weight loss journey has been a long road traveled, but I have a learned a lot along the way.  And one thing I have learned is that what works today (in regards to how I eat or the activity I'm doing), my not work tomorrow.  I have to be willing to change, try new things, and explore my options.  

It may appear I'm giving up or I'm not doing anything because I'm not working out or because I'm not tracking my food, but that's not the case.  I'm just trying a different path for this moment on my journey.  And as long as this path is going in the direction I want to go, I'm sticking with it.  If the path starts to take me off my intended course, then I will try something else to get me going in the right direction.  

This is my journey and I will determine my own path... but I am more than willing to stop for directions or guidance along the way.

The downfall of staying in touch electronically

Don't get me wrong, being able to stay in touch through email, text, IM, and Facebook is great.  I use these formats all the time to stay in touch with friends and family.  I have a friend in California and a friend that lives less than 10 miles away, that I email everyday.  I chat with friends daily via IM.  I get pictures and updates on my grand-kids through text.  Being able to do all this electronically is great... awesome... and makes keeping up with friends and family just a click away.

However, as great as all that is, it's very easy for things to be misunderstood through these electronic formats.  We can't see the person.  We can't see if they are happy, sad, angry, or depressed.  We can't hear the inflections in their tone when they speak to us to figure out their mood.

This past week the downfalls of keeping in touch electronically caused a friend to become concerned about me.  And as much as I've tried to convince her I'm fine, I'm not sure she believes it yet.  Why?  Because we haven't seen each other in over a month.  All our communication has been electronically.  She can't see that I'm happy with my life.  She can't hear my voice to know that nothing more is going on in my life than I have made some changes and made some choices to not partake in some activities.

I was supposed to do a half marathon in October with a friend, but after spending several days of intense walking at Walt Disney World, I realized that I probably shouldn't do it.  I know I could complete it walking instead of running (I did that two years ago at the Salt Lake City Half Marathon), but I also know how sore I would be after I got done.  I explained this to my friend and she understood.  She hadn't done much running over the summer, plus that was a busy weekend for her, so we mutually agreed the race wasn't going to happen.  

I missed the monthly scrapbook crop last weekend because it was the first weekend back after our week long vacation and I still had stuff I wanted to get done around the house.  Besides, I haven't done much scrapboooking since the spring retreat since my Lego passion has taken over my life (passion, obsession, addiction... whatever).  And even if I had made the commitment to go, which I hadn't, I wouldn't have gone anyway.  The day of the crop I had a migraine so just standing upright was work.

Monday, I realized that Crossfit was just not my thing and after talking with Hubby, I decided I would take a break and try to find an activity that I would do instead.  

By not doing these things, it drew concern from a friend that I was pulling away from people and it appeared something was going on in my life.  That remark really threw me for a loop.  I certainly didn't feel as though anything was wrong in my life.  I didn't feel like I was pulling away from people.  I had reasons for not doing those things.  

The statement left me baffled so I asked my walking buddies if I seemed depressed or if I seemed to be pulling away from people.  They laughed and said no... especially since I'm the one who instigates the walk and I tend to monopolize the conversation.

It was speaking with another friend that made me see where the issue may be.  As I explained what my friend had said and explained why my friend might think that way, she nodded and said she understood why my friend might think that.  If someone told her that I stopped doing the things she knew I loved doing, she would be concerned as well... But... she sees me everyday, she knows that I'm not depressed or acting any differently.  I just had other things going on in my life.

Then it hit me why my friend was concerned for me.  She hasn't seen me or talked with me (real time, not email or text or IM) in over a month.  She couldn't see (or hear in my voice) that I am fine.  Even though I had reasons for the things I did (or didn't do), she was concerned.  She was seeing it as excuses to pull away from people.  She wasn't able to see me, to realize the choices I made were for valid reasons and not excuses.

The fix for this misunderstanding?  I've invited her to come and take a walk with me.  I'm sure once we talk and get caught up on our lives, she'll see I'm fine.  I'm happy.  

This isn't the first time I've had problems due to a misunderstanding via electronic communications and I doubt it will be the last.  After all, it's what we do now.  But maybe we should spend a bit more time with people and a little less with our electronics.  Yes, this coming from the lady typing the blog post...  :-)

Just getting you caught up...

It's been over a year since I started this blog and my goal was to blog at least once a week.  That didn't happen.  But I did write over 80 posts, so my average was more than once a week, so I'm counting that as reaching my goal.

I dove into restarting my blog but I didn't mention weight loss, which is the reason for this blog to begin with.  You may be wondering where I am on my weight loss journey.  I am at the same place I was in May.  According to our wonderful Aria scale, I am exactly the same weight.  

That makes it appear as though I maintained for 5 months.  That's not the case. It's been a constant up and down for 5 months, staying within the same 6 to 10 pound range.  Some weeks I struggled, some I didn't care, some I gained weight, some I lost weight.  There has been no consistency in what I did (or didn't do), so yes, ending at the same weight I started is a good thing.  

Through the years, I've tried to look at my setbacks (and notice I say "setback" not "failure") as learning experiences.  What have a learned over the last five months?  A lot, yet nothing new.  I've been on this weight loss journey for over 11 years and I'm still learning.  Unfortunately I'm a slow learner that needs to repeat setbacks before I figure out what does or doesn't work for me.

Over the last five months, I've come to realize that I am totally burnt out on counting calories and tracking my food.  Yes, it does help.  I do better when I track.  But after years of faithfully counting, logging and analyzing my calories in/calories out, I just got sick of doing it.  Also, it is very hard to figure out how much you should be eating when you are doing an intense activity two to four times a week and then doing nothing more than walking the rest of the time.  Makes it hard to know what to eat, how much, and when.  Figuring that out takes a lot of time and patience, and I am not a patient person.

I've also come to realize I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food.  I still turn to food the minute I need some type of emotional release.  I'm more likely to turn to food when I'm stressed, upset, or frustrated, but just as likely to overeat when I'm happy or celebrating.  

The one thing I did learn over these last few months is to listen to my body.  I need to listen and hear what my body is telling me.  And there is a lot being said.  My body tells me when I'm truly hungry.  I shouldn't be eating because of my emotions, because I'm bored, or because there food in front of me.  My body tells me when I am in pain and when something is just an ache.  It's up to me and only me to determine which it is.  If it's pain, then stop whatever is causing the pain.  If it's an ache, then cut back, stretch, and/or massage until the ache goes away.  And most importantly, I need to listen to my body when I'm feeling stressed or anxious. Then figure out why I feel that way and come up with a solution.  

So, back to "where am I on this weight loss journey?" (Sorry, I seem to be rambling in this post, I blame the early hour and not enough caffeine.)

I'm trying something new.  Last year Hubby and I did the 21 Day Sugar Detox.  This fall we are doing the Whole 30.  It's very similar to the 21DSD.  Just a few minor difference and the only major difference I can see is the Whole 30 discourages snacking, they suggest eating more at meals if you are hungry.  No snacking is very hard for me.  I am a constant snacker... and usually not the healthiest foods.  We've been doing the Whole 30 for 7 days now and I've done fairly well.  I have had a few snacks here and there throughout the week, but nothing like I was before.  If I  do snack, I have veggies, a piece of fruit or a hard boiled egg.  I haven't had any cravings, which I find surprising considering the month (okay months) before this, there was several major carb and/or sugar binges.  

I've also gotten through some major challenges in the last week that would normally send me flying to cupboard or vending machine.  The day Hubby and I started this, I had a migraine.  One of the worst I've had in months.  Usually I would comfort eat to deal with the pain, but instead I tried all my usual tricks to get rid of a migraine (several of them I did several times throughout the day) and distracted myself by keeping busy since sleeping wasn't happening.  I was also tempted with some of my favorite foods throughout the week.  I said no to movie theater popcorn, a DQ ice cream bar, Dove Dark Chocolate, and doughnuts.  I'm still amazed at how easy it was to say no.  Usually there is a long, internal struggle that goes on when I am tempted with foods I like.  I've also gotten through several stressful, emotional days without comfort eating and made it through a long, stressful Friday at work.  

My first week on the Whole 30 has been a huge success.  

Like the 21DSD, they explain that you may not lose weight.  Neither program is designed as a weight loss program.  The 21DSD is to help overcome the sugar and carb cravings/addictions and the Whole 30 is designed to help you discover your problem foods by restricting certain foods for 30 days then slowly re-introducing foods back into your diet to see which ones affect you.  That being said, I have lost weight since starting the Whole 30.  

I hadn't been to WW in two weeks because I was on vacation and then the migraine last week kept me from the meeting, but I went last night.  Just to clarify, I don't usually go to the night WW meeting, but they had canceled the normal Saturday morning meeting this week and rescheduled it for Friday evening.   I didn't find this out until yesterday afternoon.  After I had drank a ton of water all day, eaten all my regular meals and a few of my snacks, and I was wearing heavier clothes than I would normally wear to a weigh in.  I was sure after being gone for two weeks, a week of which I was on vacation and indulged quite a bit, that I would be up when I stepped on the scale.  Nope.  I was down.  Nearly two pounds.  Yea me! 

I don't think I will see a lot of big losses while doing the Whole 30, because I didn't lose any weight doing the 21DSD, but I am anxious to see how certain food affect me.  I am thinking processed grains are a problem area for me and it will be interesting to see how I react after 30 days of not having them.

That's where I am at on this ongoing weight loss journey.  I am currently 30 pounds heavier than I want to be, not happy with my appearance, and trying to find a new activity to keep me moving.  But despite all that, I'm also the most content I've been in months.  Why?  Because I know I can get this weight off.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  And will do it again and again if need be.

It was just a rebound thing...

This past week I came to the realization that crossfit is not my thing.  Yes, I know, just a couple of months ago, I blogged how it was.  So what happened?  I figure out it was a rebound thing.  

Let's say you have been in this long term relationship with a guy that changed your life.  You had 5 or 6 good years together.  They weren't always easy years.  At times it was a love/hate relationship, but this guy made you feel good, empowered, and made you realize you could do nearly anything you put your mind to.  Then one day, he has to go away.  He might be back, but chances are, if does come back things won't be
the same.  So you grieve.  You're friends see you grieving and they want to make it better.  

So they introduce you to this great guy they know.  They love this guy and think you will too.  You meet the guy and though you have your doubts, you see this guy has a lot of wonderful qualities.  Very different from you old boyfriend, but a great guy none the less.  He does make you feel good and at times, empowered.  So you dive into a relationship with him.  You spend several months getting to know him and find a lot of good things about him.  But you also realize you are not "clicking" with him.  You are working way to hard to make the relationship work.  Yes, he has made you feel good about yourself, shown you how strong you are, what you could be with work and effort... yet... there's just something missing.  Then one day you realize you are dreading seeing him, that things just aren't the same as they were when you first met.  As nice, kind, and wonderful as this guy is, he's just not the guy for you.  It's time to move on.

That's me and crossfit.

I liked running.  I can't say I loved it, but it gave me this feeling of accomplishment that I had never felt before in my life.  I like the way my body felt after a run.  Alive.  The aches, the pains, the complaining about it... all of thatI could endure because the positive feelings I got from running outweighed the negative feelings.  There was an underlying enjoyment in all that which kept me going.

Then I started to have knee pain to the point I couldn't run.  Running was no longer an option.  That activity was gone.

Then I started crossfit, and I like it.  It was new, different.  A great opportunity to see what I could do and how strong I could become. But over the last month or so, the newness has worn off... it became something I did, but there was no feeling of accomplishment when I got done with a workout.  Just relief it was over. Then I began to be an underlying stress and anxiety in my life as I worried about the next class, if I could get through it, how much modifying would I have to do, how much knee pain would I have if I did a movement wrong, etc. 

This past week I realized I was doing crossfit for the wrong reasons.  I felt if I didn't go then I would let the coaches down, who spent a lot of time working with me and helping me modify the workouts.  I went because I liked the other members and the feeling of community.  I went because Hubby goes, it gave us something in common, and something to talk about.  I went because Hubby was paying for it and I wanted him to get his money's worth.  I went because I needed to be doing something if I wasn't running.

But the problem was, I wasn't going for me.  I was going for everyone and everything else.  I dreaded the workouts.  I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment or fulfillment.  I looked for excuses not to go.  I came to the realization that crossfit is not for me.  Once I made the decision to move on, there was a burden lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying.  I felt less stressed and anxious.  That feeling confirmed that I was making the right choice by walking away.

Crossfit is great.  Don't get me wrong.  It pushes you on a personal level, it makes you stronger, there is a wonderful community of coaches and members.  But like anything in life, there is no "one size fits all."  So just because crossfit isn't right for me, it is right for a lot of people.  And just because it isn't the right thing for me at this moment in my life, doesn't mean I won't go back.  I know all the wonderful benefits of crossfit, so I may return at some point.  When I do go back, it will be for the right reason... I will be there for me.

So I'm back to looking for my thing.  Running is still out, but I can still walk and hike.  I can still do workouts at home, at my own pace.  I will still continue to be active, I just won't be working out as intensely as I had been.

As with any relationship that ends, life still goes on.

Stubborn or Stupid

This past week, I've been walking a thin line between being stubborn and being stupid.

The pain that I had last Friday intensified on Monday and Tuesday.  Despite the pain in my right knee and my left hip, I continued on like nothing was wrong.  I did crossfit Monday morning, then during the warmup at crossfit on Tuesday morning, I had a sharp pain shoot through my hip, to the point I was unable to do some of the warm up exercises.  The workout caused me more pain.  That's when the line between stubborn and stupid became blurred and I continued with the workout despite the pain.  Or, more likely, I was just being stupid to continue, ignoring what my body was trying to tell me.

I paid for it later.  I have a desk job.  I sit for a majority of my day.  And Tuesday, anytime I got up out of my chair, I felt like crying from the pain in my hip.  I did get out for my walks since walking and standing eased the pain quite a bit.  I finally took some ibuprofen in the afternoon and that helped a bit.  When I got home, I laid down with an ice pack on my hip and that helped a lot.  

I went to the evening endurance class even thought I knew I couldn't run, even if I wanted to.  I did the skills and drills, then stretched while Hubby and Juli (the only other two in the class that evening) ran ten 200 meter sprints.  

I was feeling frustrated.  I had been doing so great, making such strides in the workouts, and now I felt like a slacker, a whiner and worse, a quitter.  I could barely do anything because of the pain either in my knee or my hip... or both.  And the crazy part was, I didn't want to stop.  I wanted to keep moving.  I was terrified if I stopped, then I would fall into a depression and start overeating again.

After I was done stretching I went out and sat with Geoff, one of the owners of the crossfit gym, while he watched and filmed Hubby and Juli doing the 200 meter sprints.  He asked what was going on, where I was having the pain, etc.  I explained that I was trying to push through the pain because I didn't want to stop coming to crossfit or working out.  I was finally starting to see some progress in the workouts and I was learning a lot.  He told me that I could still come to the workouts, but to listen to my body.  Do the skills I could and scale on the workouts when it causes me pain, or if I couldn't do the workout I could you that time to stretch.  And take a break from running. 

Talking to him helped my attitude.  Up to that point, I wondering if I would have to give up crossfit.  Especially since I seemed to be in worse shape then when I started.  Yet, despite the new aches and pains, I am feeling stronger and more confident.  

As everyone has been telling me, I am doing so much more than I ever had before.  I was never athletic as a child, teenager, or young adult.  And while I was losing weight, the most I had done was walk, hike and run.  With doing crossfit, I am doing things and using muscles I have never done or used before.  I had jumped into the classes and the workouts quickly and because of a new found stubbornness, I was ignoring the signals my body had been sending me.  

Wednesday I didn't do anything but walk and mobility stretches.  On Thursday morning at crossfit, I did as much as I could of the warm up, took it easy on the skill portion of the class, and for the workout, I did five 400 meter rows instead of running.  I was little sore, but not bad.  I walked throughout the day and went to the endurance class in the evening.  I did as much of the skills and drills as I could, but when it came to doing a cadence run around the gym, I was only able to do a lap or two before my hip hurt so bad I couldn't run anymore.  Krista, the endurance coach,  suggested that I use the foam roller while they finished up the drills.  I was feeling frustrated once again, but her suggestion was right on the mark.  I used the roller and was able to do the workout.  Granted, I rowed three sets of 800 meters instead of run, but it was still a good workout.  

Friday I stuck with stretching and walking.  I used the foam roller in the morning and at night.  I did air squats throughout the day (anytime I used the restroom at work and there wasn't anyone else in there, I would do a set of 10 air squats... and with all the water I've been drinking, it was a lot of sets! LOL).  

And today?  A huge difference in my pain level.  On a pain scale of one to ten, I'm at a two today, while the rest of the week, I was at a 5 or higher.

Tomorrow, I will be walking that fine line between stubborn and stupid again, and I'm hoping that I will take the time to listen to my body.  I'm going for a 7 to 10 mile hike in the morning, over part of the endurance race trails.  I need to do this so I can judge whether or not it's even feasible to do the race at this point.  If I end up in pain, then I will back out of doing the 23K Elkhorn Endurance Race, which will allow someone who is on the waiting list to participate.  I hate to give up my slot, but I need to quit being stupid and listen to my body.  Like Krista told me, if I think scaling back on the workouts are frustrating, getting injured and not being able to do anything for several weeks sucks.  

Despite all the frustrations and pain from this week, there has been some good.  Great, actually.  I may finally have found the key to my overeating and giving into my junk food cravings.   I have been tracking again on myfitnesspal and decided to upgrade to their "premium" service which allows me set various calories goals on different days.  So I upped my calorie goal on days I do crossfit and kept it a bit lower for days I don't.  I also avoided grains and processed sugar this week, while working on getting my 64 oz of water.  It worked!  I lost the weight I had gained after my cinnamon roll and bread binge.  And felt more in control with and around food.  Which was a big accomplishment considering I didn't do any comfort eating due to the pain. 

Now the trick will be to continue that for another week...

My Goal Chart

To help me out, since I'm a visual person, is to make a "goal chart."  Looks almost like a chore chart you would do for your kids.  I even give myself a little sticker star for the days I complete all four of my goals (mobility/stretching, step goal, track my food intake, and drink 64 oz of water).  It works for me and having it on the fridge is a good reminder to do those things and at the same time just seeing it is a reminder to not graze or snack.

This week has definitely been a struggle for me, but I'm glad I persevered.  I'm also glad that the crossfit is such a supportive community.  It really helped me to see the fine line between stubborn and stupid... now it's up to me to learn the difference!

Emotional (and physical) pain of gaining weight

Yes, it's been several weeks since I last posted anything.  Summer's are always busy for me and this year is no exception.  Not only am I busy with work (which thankfully has a slowed a bit so I'm only working 8 hour days again), but with the foster kittens (have adopted out over a half dozen already) and crossfit.

Crossfit seems to be taking over my life at the moment.  I try to go three mornings a week, to mobility on Monday evenings, and now they have started a endurance class which Hubby and I attend on Tuesday and Thursdays.  Throw in my regular walks and trying to get two or three runs in a week and I feel like all I do is workout.

And all was going good until this past week.  Then the knee pain came back, with a vengeance.   Most likely the pain is from over use and not enough stretching and mobility, but it hit me hard this week.  

Over use... which started last Sunday with a 9.5 to 10 mile hike (with a 2200+ gain in elevation), then crossfit on Monday and Tuesday, endurance class Tuesday night (with 200 meter sprints), and then I attempted to run on Wednesday morning but was only able to walk and barely ran at all.  I was exhausted.  Since I had some work that had to be done before the long weekend, I skipped crossfit on Thursday morning with the plan to go on Friday at noon.  Thursday is when the soreness in my knee increased to the point I was in pain.  I still did the endurance class, but I wasn't able to do the running portion at a speed I would have liked.  By Friday morning, my knee hurt just walking around the house, so I decided to go for a walk instead of going to crossfit.  

Even the walk was painful.  I did about five minutes or so and headed home.  My right knee hurt, the top of left foot hurt, and my hips weren't far behind on the list of complaints.  I was exhausted, in pain, and felt like crap, both physically and emotionally.  

On top of the aches and soreness the past couple of weeks, I have also been steadily gaining weight.  

I have found myself caught in the vicious cycle of gaining weight, feeling bad about gaining weight, eating to comfort myself because of the weight gain, then gaining even more weight.  A cycle I have been stuck in for months (with a few days or even a week of eating well).  It's getting more and more out of control, leading a five pound gain in just over a week's time.  

I don't like the way I feel emotionally.  I feel out of control, unhappy, and at times, depressed.  I don't like the way I feel physically.  I know a lot of the aches, pains, and soreness is from trying to do crossfit with this extra weight.  I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life.  But I'm not in good enough shape to pushing myself as hard as I do.  

I love the feeling accomplishment when I complete a crossfit workout.  I love that I prove to myself every time I walk into that gym that I can do.  But I don't like the fact that I feel so crappy later in the day.  I'm sure part of my overeating is also to comfort myself from the physical pain as well.  

Why?  Why am doing this myself?  Who knows... I need to quit asking myself why and figure out how I can change this.  So that's what I'm trying to focus on.  Going back and doing the things that work.  And hope that eventually things will click and I will get back on track.  My worst fear is that will gain all the weight back.  I do NOT want to go back to being 252 pounds and unable to do the simplest of activities.

I've done fairly well since Friday.  I'm back to tracking on myfitnesspal (I did fairly well for most of the month of June, just missed a few days here and there).  I have been doing my stretches every evening.  I am making sure I drink at least 64 oz of water during the day.  I'm also cutting back on grains and sugars again.  Hubby and I think that part of my knee pain on Friday may have been caused by the foods I ate on Wednesday and Thursday.  I went overboard with grains and sugars...

I've gained a lot of weight since my surgery in February.  I'm not sure of the reasons for that, other than I let all my old, bad habits back into my life.  And I'm finding they are even harder to break than the first time around. 

These last few months have been a struggle and major detour on my weight loss journey.  I am not anywhere I want to be, yet I have found some new, exciting adventures.  I've started crossfit, I'm more knowledgeable about how to deal with the knee pain and what I need to do about it, and I've discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought.

So, as always I'm conflicted with the pain and humiliation of gaining so much weight back, but I feel good about the progress I've made at crossfit in the last couple of months.  I'm sad, yet happy.  I'm exhausted, yet exhilarated.  I've gained some weight, yet I've become stronger, more confident.

A lot of rambling in this post tonight, but no clear direction... and I apologize for that.  This is how I have been feeling lately.  My weight loss journey will never end.  I will always struggle with finding the right balance of food and exercise.  I will always fight to keep the weight off.  It's a fight worth fighting.

Frustrated yet proud, unhappy yet content

I've been wanting to write a blog post all week, but just could not seem to find the time.  Between work, fostering kittens, crossfit, mobility, and running, the days zip by in a blur.  So I decided that writing a blog post would be high on my priority list for the day's tasks.  

Last Saturday I ran in the Governor's 10K race.  I finished, which is always my goal, so I'm proud of that.  I'm also a bit disappointed in my finishing time.  It was the 2nd worst 10k I've ran.  I felt tired and I obviously was, but I did my best and did what I always do, I persevered.  

This week at crossfit I was able to do several of the workouts without having to scale back (okay, without having to scale back as much as I had been).  I'm very proud of that accomplishment.  And I'm finding I'm getting a bit stronger and getting a better at some of the workouts.  All good things.... yet, I'm frustrated because it seems like my knee hurts at every workout.  I know it's getting better, stronger, but it's still frustrates me I can't make it through one workout with out some kind of pain in my right knee.  

Another accomplishment for the week was my short run on Wednesday morning.  I had a good, strong run with no knee pain.  And had one of my fastest pace times since starting crossfit (and I believe the second or third best in the past year).  That was an awesome feeling.  Then my run on Friday was a struggle, with an on and off ache in my legs and knees... but I still had a pretty good pace by the end of it.

See where I'm going with this?  I am very conflicted lately.  Proud of all my little accomplishments, yet frustrated.  

Lately I've been very unhappy with the way I look and the way I feel.  I told Hubby that I'm more unhappy about the way I look now than I did when I was at my heaviest weight.  I was chubby as a child, overweight as a teenage, obese in my twenties, and morbidly obese in my early 30's, so I had no idea of what I would look like at a healthy weight.  Now I do.  I remember how I looked, how I felt, and how much energy I had when I was at my goal weight.  Being 30 pounds above that weight is actually more upsetting now than it was before I ever got to goal.  Now I know what I'm missing.  And don't get me started on how I felt when I realized I would have to buy all new summer clothes because nothing I wore last summer fits anymore...

Yet, despite that unhappiness, I am content with my life.  I like the fact that I am able to do crossfit, to continue running, to go walking with Hubby and friends.  I enjoy my job (as stressful as it can be some days), my co-workers, and the new things I learn nearly everyday.  I still enjoy attending the Weight Watcher meetings, walking on my breaks with my friends, and the community feeling at the crossfit center.  I love the support system I have to get me through all this.  Hubby is awesome and so encouraging about everything, Juli keeps me accountable, and Windy is always there to remind me I'm not alone in the struggle.  Not mention my friends at WW, co-workers, and my walking and running buddies.  

Proud, yet frustrated.  Happy, yet unhappy.

So what do I do about all this conflicting emotions?  I think, I evaluate, I recognize, I make changes.

I decided to look at how things are going for me now.  If I am unhappy about the way I look, what could I do about it?  What did I do before that made me happy?  

I needed to go back to what works best for me.  I narrowed down the time I was at goal, felt healthy, and liked the way I looked.  What was I doing then that I'm not doing now?

Counting calories.

I have been trying to eat Paleo/Primal, which if followed correctly, you shouldn't have to count calories.  Which may work great for people who never had a weight problem.  Who don't have an emotional connection to food.  Who don't have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I have those issues, so "eating until you are satisfied" doesn't work for me.  There are days I am never satisfied, never full, and continue eating.  Even eating too much of the healthy foods is a bad thing.  

I'm back to to counting calories.  And taking more of a "clean eating" approach to my food than Paleo.  This means I will have foods that may not be considered Paleo, but aren't highly processed either.  And I will track the calories in everything I eat.  

I started this last Saturday after I reflected on what I had eaten in the previous week.  I had written down everything I ate, but I still overate... on a lot of foods... a lot of unhealthy foods.  Cake, cookies, chips, and whatever else I could find.  

After a week long sugar binge, I was sure I would have major sugar withdrawals or cravings, but I haven't.  I've felt good.  I feel like I'm in control again.  

And maybe with time, I won't feel as conflicted about the way things are going. 

Summer plans for summer fun and more crossfit ramblings

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before or not, but one of my favorite things to do is to go camping.  I love to camp... whether it's backpacking, tent camping, or taking our tent trailer... I don't care, as long as I get to camp.  Rain, heat, even snow, it's all fun to me!

Me in 2012,
on my first overnight backpacking trip

The summer of 2013 we got out a total of zero times.  Nada.  Not at all.  We did go to Glacier National Park in mid-June, but we stayed at time-share so although we did some short day hikes, we didn't camp.

The summer of 2014 we did a little better.  We got out twice... sort of... In July we went to Virginia City MT for the Dog & Grog Brewfest and stayed in our backpacking tent.  At an RV Park.  So we kind of camped.  We slept in a tent and had a campfire in the evening.  In August we went Wisdom and stayed several nights.  Finally!  Real camping!  We did quite a bit of hiking, took some long drives, and just enjoyed being out.

This summer I'm hoping for more.  So I'm planning our trips.  Generally our camping trips or backpacking trips are spur of the moment.  Which is nice, but rarely works out to be much camping.  Things come up...  it's raining, it's too hot, we need to train for our next race, or any other little thing will keep us from going.  

This year we have two tent-camper trips on the calendar and we've taken time off work to go.  So we will be going.  Now I just need to nail down two weekends to do an overnight backpacking trip and I will be a happy camper.  :-)

Along with the camping trips, we have one race scheduled.  We are going to do the Elkhorn Endurance 24K trail run.  We did this one last year and it was more of a fast-paced hike than a race for me, but it was a lot of fun.  I'm really looking forward to doing it again, and maybe at a faster pace since my knee isn't bothering me nearly as much this year.

I'm sure we will find time to do some hiking and possibly some fishing too.  Anything that gets us out and about.

In addition to jabbering about my summer plans, I wanted to take a moment and comment on my crossfit journey.  I am still doing crossfit three days a week and as challenging (and frustrating) as it can be, I'm finding that I am seeing improvements already.  Little things, that don't seem like much, but give me the motivation to continue.

Last week it was something silly, but it gave me a confidence boost.  I was at Walmart with Hubby and I decided I wanted a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade, so while he continued shopping I went to the back of the store.  I picked out the Mike's I wanted and headed back to find Hubby.  About half way through the aisles, I realized I wasn't cradling the 6-pack, but carrying it by the handle.  Before crossfit, my grip wasn't strong enough to carry it that way and I was always afraid I would drop it, so I cradled the box in my arms.  Not now.  Now I have the grip strength to carry it by handle.  Silly... I know... but an improvement none the less.

This week there was a day that was grueling workout (for me anyway).  The skill of the day was to do air squats, push ups, hollow rockers, and pull ups (I did ring rows).  We did as many air squats as we could in two minutes, rested for two minutes, did push ups for two minutes, rested, etc.  Then, as though that wasn't bad enough, the workout of the day was a "ladder" workout, which consisted of overhead lunges (I used a 10 lb plate), box jumps (I did step ups), and sit ups.  The ladder part?  Each round you decrease the lunges, but increase the sit ups, so it looks like this: 

50 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      10 sit ups
40 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      20 sit ups
30 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      30 sit ups
20 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      40 sit ups
10 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      50 sit ups

That means 150 lunges... and 150 sit ups!  

I did it!  I was sore (and still am on some level) for three days.  I couldn't even do a sit up the next day my abs hurt so bad.  I never would have believed it was possible for me to do 150 sit ups, let alone do that entire workout in less 20 minutes.  I wasn't fast by any means, but I loved the feeling of accomplishment when I got done.  

You would think with all the crossfit, running, and walking that I would lose weight, right?  Nope.  It seems the more I workout, the more junk food I consume.  I know I shouldn't.  I know I'm never going to get this weight off if I keep eating crap, but I'm still doing it.  There's a mental disconnect somewhere.  But I'm working on it.  I just know that if I keep doing crossfit and running, if I make the attempt everyday to eat healthy, that one of these days, things will click.  I have been down this road before.  After I had lost the first 80 pounds, I gained about 30 back.  It was perseverance that got the weight back off and perseverance will get it back off again.  

I have a wonderful support system, with Hubby, my friends, and now the crossfit community, so as long as I'm trying then I know they will be there for me.   

Tomorrow is the Governor's Cup 10k.  I don't feel ready for it, but ready or not, I'll finish the race.  It won't be my best race, but there's always next year to try for a personal best!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling for the moment.  With any luck, I will have some time on Sunday to post an update about the race. 

Until then, stay happy! 


  

Whining, stretching, and other good things

I think I may have spoken too soon about finally having some energy.  I do well the first part of the week, but by Thursday my energy level drops quit a bit and by Friday I'm exhausted.  Then I get a good night's sleep (and sleep more than my normal 7 to 7 1/2 hours), and I'm good to go.

Pretty pleased with the way my week turned out.  I finally got a full week of workouts and runs in.  I can't remember the last time I did that!  My schedule for this past week was:

• Sunday - 4 mile run
• Monday am - Crossfit
• Monday pm - Mobility
• Tuesday - Crossfit
• Wednesday - 2 mile run
• Thursday am - Crossfit
• Thursday pm - Mobility
• Friday - 3 mile walk/jog

Hoping this will be my schedule going forward.  It's doable for me and I enjoy having more to do than just walk and run.

Even with the great week of activity, I did do some whining along the way...  

I feel like all I do is whine about various aches and pains when I'm at crossfit.  But I've learned it's important to speak up because the coaches want to see people succeed, even if that means modifying or scaling back the workouts.  It's better for me to do the modified workouts than injure myself, and not be able to do them at all.

I tweaked my knee on the run on Wednesday but didn't really notice it until Thursday morning.  At crossfit we were doing "over the box jumps" as part of our warm up and all I did was step up on the box (was going to step up a couple of times before I attempted a jump) and felt a sharp pain in my knee.  I thought I just stepped wrong, so I walked in a place and tried again.  Same pain.  Just as bad.  And the more I tried to walk it off, the worse it got.  Had to modify my workout... again... because of it.  That's when the whining started.  At least, while at crossfit, most of the whining was internal, but on the car ride home I whined to Hubby about my knee, about having to modify every workout, about being tired, and feeling frustrated.  (And like lot of husbands, Hubby nodded sympathetically but knew enough to not say anything that would set me off!  LOL)

The pain in my knee continued all day and was nearly as bad when I first injured it over a year ago.  It was very frustrating me because I had been doing so well.

Thursday night we go to mobility and at the end of the class Kyle asked if we have any specific aches or pains we need to work on.  I tell him my knee is bothering me... again...  He asked what type of stretches I was doing and how often.  

Ugh.  

Yes, I stretch... but usually only after running.  That means I only stretch about two to three times a week. 

Yes, I know this is not enough.  And yes, I know I should be doing more.  

What can I say... I'm lazy.

Kyle had me do several stretches specifically for the knee pain I was experiencing.  I did them and Hubby and I headed home.  Once home, I went down several stairs, took a couple of steps, and realized that going down the stairs didn't hurt my knee.  When I got to our porch steps, I went up and down several times, which made my Hubby ask, "what are you doing?"  I responed in disbelief, "My knee doesn't hurt!"  It ached a bit, but I wasn't getting the sharp pains as I had been all day.  Hard to believe that just two stretches could make that much of difference.  Wow.

Needless to say, I've been a lot more diligent about stretching since then.  I still have a little ache and soreness, but not as bad as it was on Thursday.

I had wanted to do a three mile run on Friday morning but I was leery about running and causing more knee pain.  So I decided I would do a three mile walk, with a few spurts of jogging.  To keep me entertained, I decided to use an app on my phone that I haven't used for quite awhile... Zombies, Run!  This is a fun app because you listen to a story about the Zombie apocalypse and as you run, you can "collect" items and run from hordes of Zombies.  The app uses the music on your phone, GPS to track your miles, and will even calculate your steps.  Using the app, I walked and only ran whenever I needed to evade the Zombies.  It helped to make the time go by and got me moving a bit faster than I would have on my own.

This morning I went to the Weight Watcher meeting and weighed in.  I was down just .6, but I'm okay with that.  Last night I had a Mike's with dinner and I know I could have made better food choices throughout the week, so any loss is a good loss.  I just need to continue what I'm doing so I can see those little losses each week.

I am on day 6 of my 30 day personal challenge with Juli.  I am getting my step goal every day (okay, maybe not today, which is why I said I would shoot for 6 out of 7 days), drinking at least 64 oz of water, and tracking my food intake.  And with Hubby's urging, I have added one more daily goal to the list... to stretch.

All in all, and despite my whining, it's been a good week.  I'm happy with my activity level, making progress with my food, and I feel pretty good.

Just taking it one day at time.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Hello again!  Yep, I'm finally starting to get better at posting to my blog on a (somewhat) regular schedule.  Hopefully I will keep it up going forward.  

This week is starting out well.  Juli and I are doing a personal challenge for month of June.  We've each come up with a few daily goals to achieve and then will reward ourselves at the end of the month.  (Though Juli told me I couldn't use a cinnamon roll from Van's bakery as a reward... she's such a spoil sport!)

The goals I am working on are:

• Tracking my food every day, then taking a picture of my food journal and texting it to Juli
• Meeting my step goal of 11,000 steps 6 out of 7 days
• Drinking at least 64 oz of water per day

And I'm happy to report, I made those goals every day so far!  (Okay, yes, I realize it's only the 2nd of June, but I'm two for two!)

My reward for my hard work will be a pedicure.  Just in time for sandal weather!

As the title of the post suggests, I have some good news, some bad news, and other not so good stuff.

First the good news... I did a box jump today!  Two actually!  As I posted before, I have this weird, irrational, unreasonable fear of box jumps.  I've tried and tried, but I just couldn't seem to get my body to do what I wanted it to do.  I have no idea what happened today that I was able to overcome that.  It just happened.  And it happened on a day I was sore and questioning my compatibility with crossfit.  I was beginning to think that maybe crossfit just wasn't the right fit for me.  I've felt clumsy, out of place, and have had some new aches and pains along with my normal knee pain.  

Me, with the 8 lb wall ball

But this morning, it just clicked.  I did the two box jumps and then while doing the skill of the day (bent over rows and Good Mornings) the pain in my lower back finally went away.  Apparently I stretched it out with those movements.  I had to scale back the workout of the day, but I was proud of myself for completing all five rounds of the wall tappers, burpees and wall balls.  I was tired, hot, sweaty, and gasping for breath, but I finished!

So... maybe I was meant to do this crossfit stuff after all....

As for the bad, I'm still doing the comfort eating.  I had a headache today and indulged in some candy.  I was craving sugar and instead of looking for alternatives, I just dove into the candy.  Not only did it not make my headache go away (comfort eating never does, but I try it every time), but then I felt yucky from all the sugar.  I swear, some day I will learn to deal with comfort and emotional eating.  Apparently, today is not the day.  :-)

The ugly... well, that's more about the way I'm feeling.  I'm having a very hard time with the fact I have gained back so much weight.  I feel ugly... physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate feeling this way because I know the negative thoughts just lead me down that dark path of overeating,  feeling guilty, and overeating to compensate for the guilt.  It's just so hard to accept this is who I am at this moment but it's not who I will always be.  I will get the weight back off.  I will get back to the weight where I feel comfortable both with how I feel and how I look.  Like everyone else, I want that instant gratification.  I want the weight off now.  I want to feel good now.  But it takes time and patience.  And my Hubby will tell, patience is not one of my virtues!  LOL

Despite fighting the negative thoughts and self talk about my weight gain, I do feel good.  I feel like I am finally getting my energy level back.  Energy I haven't had since before my surgery.  When people were telling me it could take 4 to 6 months before my full energy level returned, I wasn't sure I really believed it.  I do now!  I actually have the energy to work out in the morning, get through 8 hours (usually more) of work, and still have energy to get a few things done around the house in the evening.  And that is a good feeling.

Getting this thirty pounds back off is going to be struggle.  It's going to be hard.  And it's going take a long time.  I just have to remind myself that weight loss isn't a race.  There's no finish line.  It's a journey, with a lot of detours and back tracking, trying to find the right path and even changes directions occasionally.  I need to look at this as an adventure.  I also have to remind myself of how far I've come.  I went from Queen of the Couch Potatoes, to an active person who runs, hikes, backpacks... and does crossfit!  

Who knows what road will I venture down next... 

Forever learning but continuing to persevere

Beautiful double rainbow
as Hubby and I went for our evening walk

Okay, this is my second attempt at the blog post today.  The first sounded so depressing, so whiny, that I couldn't even stand it.  So I'm trying again...

This week has been full of frustrations.  A lot of them, in nearly every aspect of my life.  But as I always do, I persevered and things got better by the end of the week.  Probably helped that I finally got several nights of good sleep, once that happened, everything else seemed to click into place.

Sleep is important.  Never underestimate the importance of a good night's sleep.  Once you lose that, life becomes a struggle.  That is one of the things I have learned on weight loss journey

As I've said before, I'm a slow learner when it comes to my weight loss.  Which is why it took me 6 years to get a hundred pounds off.  And would be why I have gained thirty pounds back.  I just don't seem to learn from my past experiences.

I say this honestly, not as a complaint or a whine.  I'm just slow to learn new, better, healthier habits.  And if I do manage to pick up a good habit here and there, I'm quick to toss it aside in place of an old, bad habit.

A good example is emotional eating or eating for comfort.  Both of which I have done this week.  Wednesday it was emotional eating due to stress at work.  I was tired from lack of sleep and then I let some situations at work get the better of me and immediately turned to my old habit of emotional eating.  Food makes me feel better, but only while I'm eating it.  Once the food is gone, I feel guilty for eating and the guilt makes me feel bad, so I turn to food to make me feel better.  This is what I mean about being a slow learner.  Past experience has taught me that emotional eating makes the situation worse, not better.  Yet I still do it.  A lot.

Wednesday I put in an 11 hour day at work.  Tired and exhausted, I went home and basically vegged out until bedtime, but then I was up before the alarm the next morning and was at Cross Fit at 6 am with Hubby.  Looking back, I'm not sure doing Cross Fit was such a great idea.  I needed the exercise, the release, the activity... but trying to learn something new when I'm exhausted, stressed, and already down on myself, was not a good idea.  

Thursday was quit a bit of lifting, which is still very new to me.  It's not something I have ever done in my life and there are a lot of movements involved.  Once you learn the proper techniques, it's very fluid movements, done without thinking.  As a lifting newbie, I'm forever trying to remember the proper form and technique.  Just lifting the bar from the ground to my knees is mentally challenging... squat, butt out, chest up, shoulders pinched, lift, elbows... locked, tight... or ?  See, two days later and I've already forgotten!  Then moving the bar from hips to shoulders, to over head... even more movements and techniques to remember.  

At one point, I had the bar at my knees, trying to remember to keep my butt out, chest up and shoulders pinched while Coach Kyle stood in front of me to watch my technique.  I froze.  He said something about continuing and I told him, "nope, I'm just going to stay in this position..."  I honestly couldn't remember what I was supposed to do next.

By the end of the skill portion of the class, I was feeling frustrated, tired, and clumsy.... but determined to finish out the class by doing the Workout of the Day, which Coach Kyle came up with a scaled down version for me.  I persevered.  By the end of the workout I did 60 lifts with the 15 pound bar and 5 pound weights (25 pounds total).  I thought several times about just quitting.  I may be a slow learner, but I am not a quitter.  I kept at it.  I completed the workout.  

All the emotions, lack of sleep, frustration at trying to learn this totally alien (for me) workout, and exhaustion from the workout caught up to me once I was in the car on the way home.  Which is when I realized just how tired I was.  At that point, I really should have gone home, showered, and crawled back into bed.  I didn't.  I showered and went to work.  

By the time I got to work I was not only tired, but I was sore.  I may have overdone it with all the lifting because my back started hurt.   I did some major comfort eating because of the pain, which caused guilt feelings, which lead to emotional eating.  Nope, hadn't learned a thing from the day before.  

Thursday night, my back hurt so bad from lifting and then sitting all day at work (walking and standing, I noticed, didn't hurt), that I was nearly in tears.  I took some ibuprofen PM and decided to lay down on the bed for a bit to see if that helped my back.  I was asleep by 7:15.

Thursday night I slept for nearly 10 hours.  Friday morning, I had a little back pain, but nothing compared to Thursday night and I felt energized.  I had wanted to go for a run, but I didn't want to risk tweaking my back, so I just headed off to work.  Friday was a good day because I was refreshed, not in pain, and focused.  Still ate a bit more than I should have, but I wasn't emotional eating or eating for comfort.  Progress. 

I feel like I still have so much to learn about myself.  I need to learn to deal with the emotional eating/comfort eating without food.  I need to learn to listen to my body, so when I'm tired I sleep, when I'm sore, I rest.  

It is frustrating that after 11 years, I still haven't learned to deal with situations without food.  

The one thing I have learned is that I can't just give up.  I will continue to persevere.