My favorite Thursday morning hangout

Still continuing to do well, which makes me happy.  I feel much more in control around food and more relaxed, too. 

I enjoyed trying to eat Paleo, doing the 21 Sugar Detox, and the Whole 30.  It gave me a much better understanding about what I eat and how my body reacts to certain foods.  It was a very good experience and I'm glad I took the time to experiment with different ways of eating.  I'm just sorry that none of those really clicked with me.  I would have loved to have a life free from tracking what I eat... but I am not one of the people.  My emotional attachment to food makes it hard for me to have a carefree type approach to food.  Plus, I have never learned to stop eating when I'm to the point of satisfaction.  I would still eat every meal like Thanksgiving dinner, if given the chance.

Tracking is what works for me.  I was thinking today that a lot of my ups and downs while experimenting was probably some underlying guilt.  When I was unable to continue with any of the programs on my own (past the 21 or 30 day period), I felt like I had failed, then I would eat to make myself feel better, then feel bad because I didn't follow the plan, then eat more.  And then I would feel guilty for overeating and for not following the plan.  It became this vicious cycle I was doomed to repeat until I finally told myself enough is enough.  I lost over 100 pounds by tracking, there is nothing wrong with tracking or having to track the rest of my life.  It's who I am.  Why was I constantly fighting it?  Would I like to be a person who doesn't need to track?  Yes.  Will I ever be that type of person?  Possibly... but probably not. 

In it's own way, the last two weeks of tracking on MyFitnessPal has actually been very freeing.  I don't feel guilty if I have a Girl Scout cookie, as long as I tracked it (and as long as it was one cookie and not four or five!), I was able to enjoy the cookie and move on with my day.  I didn't feel like I had failed "the plan" or felt guilty for having it.

Today I returned to my regular Thursday morning Weight Watcher meeting.  This was after much soul searching and deciding what I needed to do in order to get back on track and get back to goal.  I don't follow the Weight Watcher's Points plan, but I do get a lot out of the meetings, especially when they discuss changing behaviors involving food. 

Over the last year, I experimented in regards to the WW meetings as well.  I tried going on Saturday mornings, first because of my busy work schedule and then later because I was doing CrossFit.  Then they offered the WW At Work meetings in the conference room adjacent to my office.  Convenient, yes, but just did not have the same feel as the meetings.  I went for awhile, but started missing meetings and when my mom went into the hospital, I stopped going altogether. 

This past week, I've been taking a close look at what has worked for me in the past and I decided that not only did I miss WW, but I really missed the Thursday morning group.  I took advantage of the special that WW was offering (50% off the normal price) and signed up for  three months.  I went back to my first Thursday morning meeting in about year.  I'm so happy I did.

A lot of the people that I have known for years were still there, along with some that I hadn't seen in a while because they had quit and then come back.  Everyone seemed genuinely happy to see me, which made me feel truly happy.  Maybe going back to the meetings will also help me with finding some of that inner contentment I'm looking for as well.

Since I went to the meeting this morning and then Hubby and I went out for dinner tonight (we go out to dinner once a week, usually on Thursdays), we still need to do the ROMWOD for today.  Will be doing that once I'm done with post.  I got my water in and got enough steps to maintain my weekly average, so things are still going well.

I'm thinking of attempting another run this weekend.  I haven't ran since before the craft retreat (about three weeks), but now that the weather is improving and things finally seems to be coming together with my eating and such, it may be time to get back to running.  I want to see if the stretching and eating well makes a difference in the knee pain.  Keeping my fingers crossed it goes well. 

All in all... even though the scale hasn't moved the last few days, I'm feeling good.  Confident.  In control.  And yes, even content.  And some moments, happy.

Gratitude, thinking positive, and furiously happy

I am still doing well at meeting my goals this week.  Okay, I didn't stretch this morning but Hubby and I elected to lay in bed with the cats this morning and will do the stretching tonight.

My weight has been up and down the last couple of days but I'm working on my "not obsessing about the number on the scale."  I think I'm doing pretty good with that, just using the number to keep my ultimate goal in mind. 

I'm still working on trying to find some inner happiness (or just inner contentment).  I've been much closer to finding that since getting back on track with my eating.  Eating the right foods (less processed carbs) makes me less emotional, making it easier for me to find the positive in a little things.  I still have a long way to go with that.  I am not a positive person by nature.  More the opposite.  More negative and pessimistic.  But I'm working on changing that.  Well... it's on the list of things I would love to change about myself...  ;-)

I have found a little trick that has helped me several times this past week.  Something I read or heard about writing down three things you are grateful before you go to bed.  To help focus on the positive so you are going to bed with a happier thoughts.  I have changed that bit, to use that in moments of negativity.

An example will be at work.  We shuffled around are cubes in our small office, moved some people out and other people in.  I am blessed to work with some wonderful, positive, encouraging people.  But like everyone, I have that one co-worker that grates on my nerves like finger nails on a chalkboard.  I was fine working with her... when her office was located across the building from me, but sitting right next her is, for me, a nightmare.  She is a person who is naturally LOUD.  She has no concept of "indoor voice" and "cube voice" would be totally lost on her.  And her cube is right next to mine.  Just a cube partition wall between us.  She loves to talk... to anyone... to herself... to the squirrels she feeds out the window.  And when she's not talking, she is sighing as though working in an office is tiring and demeaning. 

All that being said, I am not the most quiet person either.  I love to talk.  But I know enough to keep my voice down in the office and I know that others are working around me so I can't spend the whole day talking.  I try to be courteous of my co-workers (notice I say try, I'm sure I have some habits that annoy the hell out of my co-workers). 

After a particularly trying morning with this co-worker talking loud, continually repeating herself and ending each sentence (literally!) with the phrase, "know what I mean?" I was at my wits end.  Luckily, I headed out for a walk with my friends and was venting about this co-worker.  Suddenly, I stopped.  I realized I was being totally negative and it was effecting my day.  So I took a deep breathe and blurted out, "three things I'm grateful for at this moment... that I have a job, a very understanding supervisor, and you guys to walk with." I turned to Vicki, "your turn, quick... three things your grateful for." 

By doing that, I was able to change my mood and those of us walking in one breath.  And it was amazingly easy.  Since then, I have done that countless times throughout the week.  If I'm feeling annoyed, angry, or even sick, I just think of three things I'm grateful for at that moment.  There are things I'm always grateful for... a wonderful husband, a family that loves me, a house to live in, etc.  But finding three things in the moment is a bit harder, stops the negative thoughts, and forces me to find the positive in that moment.

My co-worker, known around the office as Mr. Happy, calls it "counting your blessings."  I call it "my moment of gratitude."

It's just one little way I can turn my mood around. 

Another way of turning my mood around is reading a good book.  And I stumbled on a good one.  While browsing the books at our local Target, a book with a smiling raccoon on the cover caught my eye.  I picked it up and read the title, "Furiously Happy" by Jenny Lawson.  After reading the dust jacket, I knew I wanted to read this book.  So I snapped a picture of the cover with phone and when I got home, I bought it, and downloaded the book onto my tablet.  This has to be one of the funniest books I've read in a long time (if ever).  I found myself laughing out aloud and at one point I was laughing so hard that I had trouble continuing to read.  Now, I know I have a quirky, weird, bizarre sense of humor (get that from my Dad), so it may just be me.  But I absolutely loved this book. 

The author courageously admits to the world that she suffers from severe depression, anxiety disorder, and countless other disorders and phobias.  Most of the book is about her way of dealing with mundane daily tasks and her weird sense of humor, giving us insight as to how her mind works.  One of the last chapter in the book she does get serious about her depression and talks about how she feels when she's in depression, how just getting through the day, fighting off her negative thoughts is all she can do.  She was feeling like she was failing because she accomplished nothing during the day.  When she posted about this on her blog, she got countless comments that she was not alone.  Nearly everyone posted they often felt the same way.  I know that I have days where just getting up, going to the office, and coming home is way more than I could handle.  And I will admit, there have been days, that I didn't even go into the office because facing people was just too much. Those days were prior to starting Weight Watchers and starting on my weight loss journey.  This journey has helped me cope with more than just my weight.  It changed the way I thought about myself and my life. 

Which may be why I'm searching for contentment in my life.  And the skills to better handles that ups and downs that life throws at me.  I guess, what I really want, is to be a better person than I was yesterday.  Not only physically, but spiritually as well.

The domino effect and BDS: Day 4

I have now been back on track for 7 days (nearly 8 since it's 6 in the evening now...) and I feel pretty good.  Especially considering how I've felt the last 3 or 4 months. 

Talking with Hubby this morning, I can't remember the last time I've gone a whole week on program.  I think the last time I followed any program for more than a week is when I started the Whole 30 back in September.

Which makes me realize just how much I need to track what I eat.  And I've been eating well this week.  I did splurge on Thursday because Hubby and I were celebrating the fact I finally got a "performance based" raise at work, my first one in 15 years.  That's not to say I haven't any raises in that time, because I did.  But those were longevity raises, market value increases, and state mandated raises.  It felt great to know that my team supervisor and section supervisor both fought hard to get me this raise and appreciate all the work I have done in the last 15 months.  So a celebration was in order!  Hubby and I went to our favorite restaurant where I made an okay choice for dinner, had one drink, then we went to a local natural grocery store and got a wonderful take home dessert.  I tracked everything and didn't feel the least bit guilty about what I ate.

Even though I had been weighing daily to stay accountable, I decided to not weigh on Friday because I knew I would be up because of dinner and dessert.  Instead, I waited until today.  I was still up, but I know that could be a combination of things (and mainly because I didn't drink enough water yesterday).

There was a bit of a domino effect with getting back on track... other things seem to fall into place as well.  This past week I focused on tracking my food intake, drinking my water, and getting enough sleep.  I did well with all that, which lead to me feeling less emotional this week, and lead to an increase in steps.

My Fitbit is linked to my MyFitnessPal account, so the more I move, the more calories I burn and that, for me, means more calories I can use for food.  I've always been a person who needs to eat my activity calories in order to lose weight, plus, being able to eat more is always a good thing!  Since I could now see throughout the day how many calories I was burning... or not burning... it got me to moving more.  A lot more than the previous week.  The week before I got back on track, I walked just over 29,000 steps for the whole week.  Yep, an average of less than 5,000 steps a day.  But this week?  I walked over 59,000 steps!  Okay, no where near what I was walking two years ago, but a big improvement over the last couple of months. 

I have a series of goals I want to focus on this week.  I want to continue with my three main goals of tracking my healthy food choices on MyFitnessPal, drinking 64 oz of water a day, and getting at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night.  In addition to those, the two other goals I'm working on this week is to do the ROMWOD stretching everyday and to not eat while standing up.

I mentioned in the previous blog that the Beck Diet Solution (BDS) Day 3 focus was to eat while sitting down and that I didn't have a problem with that.  Well... apparently I do have an issue with that and didn't even realize it.  I've caught myself twice today eating while standing up.  The first time was this morning before Hubby and I did the ROMWOD, while he was getting the yoga mats out and bringing the workout up on the TV, I stood watching him, eating a banana.  As I put the last bite in my mouth in dawned on me what I had done.  Then just a little bit ago, I did it again.  Hubby had made Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Doughnuts (from the 21 Day Sugar Detox recipe book) and I took a bite or two while I was talking to him... while I was standing up.  At least in that case, I caught myself and I forced myself to sit down to finish it.   So obviously I need to work on that a bit more. 

Day 4 of BDS is "Give Yourself Credit."  This step is help with negative thoughts that cause you to go off program.  This is an easy concept but hard to follow through.  It's easy to berate myself for giving in to temptation, but I need to learn to give myself credit for still tracking the food or credit for getting right back on program.  This morning when I realized I had downed the banana while standing up, I started to berate myself but then gave myself credit for recognizing what I had done.  I didn't walk or move as much today as I would have liked, but I am giving myself credit for getting enough steps to double the amount that I did last week (okay, Hubby helped me get the steps today by parking a bit farther from the stores when we ran errands this morning).

And a big thing that I have not been giving myself credit for is my overall weight loss.  I realized the other day, that I knew exactly how much weight I need to lose again in order to get to my goal weight, but I couldn't tell you how much I had lost overall.  I lost sight of the fact that even though I have gained quite a bit of weight back, I had kept over 70 pounds off.  How many people can say that?  And despite my weight gain, I haven't given up.  I am still a work in process.

I am working through the BDS slowly this time around.  In the book there are 42 Days of various things to focus on to keep you on your diet.  Instead of working one each day, I'm trying to focus on those steps I need to work.  Such as sitting down to eat.  Once I've felt I have that under control, I'll move onto the next one.  Before, I always felt the need to do the book as written, one day at time.  But one day is not enough to make something a habit.

I'm in no rush.  Like anyone who is trying to lose weight, I would like the weight to go away overnight, but I know that's not going to happen.  I am slowest loser there is... it took me 6 years to lose a hundred pounds, so I can't expect to get back to my goal weight in a few months.  I'm back to taking this one day at time. 

So, this week my focus and goals are:

1 - Eat as clean as possible and track my food intake on MyFitnessPal

2 - Drink 64 oz of water per day

3 - Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night

4 - Eat while sitting down

5 - Do the ROMWOD stretches everyday

In one week... and BDS: Day 3

I've said it many times when talking with others about weight loss and when I have spoken at Weight Watcher meetings... don't let one bad meal spoil the week.  Or even a bad day.  Like a lot people, I always figured if I went off program for a day then I had blown it for the week.  So I would continue to eat off program with the mindset I would get back on program after the next weigh in.  I did that for years.  I struggled for years. 

Then it hit me... there are three meals a day, 7 days a week.  That's 21 meals.  How is one meal or even a half of a day going to spoil my whole week?  Once I got that through my thick skull, I found it easier to get back on track after a meal (or day) of eating off plan.

This week is a perfect example of that.  When I weighed in last Thursday on our awesome Fitbit Aria scale (I can say it's awesome this week... ask me again next week how I feel about it!  LOL), and weighed in at 181.3.  Last Thursday was an awful day for me, emotionally and mentally, and I ate.... and continued to eat through Friday night.  (See Saturday's post for my turn around moment)

Saturday, I got up, and got back to tracking and drinking my water.  I did awesome the rest of the week, including increasing my steps during the day by making sure I got out for my walks. 

Getting back on track, paid off.  I was down a total a 3.2 pounds for the week, despite having two days totally off program.

Definitely gives me incentive to continue for another week.

And to help me along I'm still working my way through the Beck Diet Solution (BDS).  I am on Day 3, which is "Eat Sitting Down."  As I said yesterday my issue isn't sitting, it's where I'm sitting and what I'm doing while I'm sitting.  I took time this morning to reread today's topic and it gave me a bit more to think about.  It's not necessarily talking about eating your meals standing up, but more the little things we eat while standing that we are not aware of.  Like eating part of the meal standing up while the rest is cooking, then when you sit down to eat, it looks like you're not eating much and then you feel deprived.  Or those free samples they hand out at the large stores (Costco definitely comes to mind) that we think are so small they can't possibly count. 

I thought I was doing good at sitting down to eat, but I think of all the times I've eaten snacks or treats (especially at the office) while standing up, it has become a bad habit for me.  I need to make myself more aware of those moments and either not eat or wait until I can sit down and focus before eating. 

And maybe putting my phone... tablet... computer... aside to focus on why I'm eating might help too.

A great, wonderful, awesome day and BDS: Day 2

Have you ever had one of those days that everything just seems to go your way?  A day when all the little frustrations are gone, you get a few things done that have been bothering/frustrating you, and even though its cold and overcast, you can image the sun shining and blue skies?  

That was my day.  

Hubby and I have been trying to book a vacation at the Disneyland Resort using our Disney Vacation Club points (think timeshare), but every time I try to book the days we want, there haven't been any rooms available.  This morning I tried yet again and, yes, the days we wanted were available!  I was dancing around the house I was so happy.  It was just one of those little things that had been frustrating me lately.  After I was done dancing (and annoying Hubby with my dancing and singing... at 6 in the morning), I stepped on the scale.  Weighing myself has become a daily ritual for me.  Not in an obsessive way, but in a good way.  It's my way of keeping tabs on myself.  To make sure that I am staying on track.  That I'm still focused on losing weight and not giving up on myself.  

Since I have lost weight the last three days, I was pretty sure I would stay the same, or even have a slight gain.  Nope.  Down another pound!  Woo Hoo!

I spent the rest of the morning singing and doing my happy dance, and still managed to make it to work on time.  

Work didn't even seem as dreadful as it usually does.  I just dove into the stuff I needed to get done, working on things as they came in.  A very productive day.  I got out for my ten o'clock (had to go alone since my walking buddies bailed on me) and I went for a walk at noon with Sibyl... and ran into my former Weight Watcher leader and friend, Barb.  I hadn't seen her in a long time so it was nice to see her and we hope to go for a walk together soon.

So... today was a good day.  I know that not every day can be this good, so I treasured every moment.  

As I mentioned in my blog post of two days ago, I am working my way through the Beck Diet Solution to help eliminate some of my bad habits and to stick with tracking and eating clean.

Day 1 was to write out reasons why I want to the lose weight as reminder during the challenging times.

Day 2 is pick out two reasonable diet plans.  Why two?  To have a back up plan in case the first choice doesn't work out.  I actually love this idea.  How many diets have you started only to figure out a week or two in that the diet just isn't for you?  So what do you do?  What we all do... drop the program and go back to the way we were eating before.  The idea is to have a diet plan that will work for you and your lifestyle, but if for some reason it doesn't work, then have another plan you would be willing to do.

For me, my plan is just what I'm doing now.  Eating clean and tracking on MyFitnessPal.  In case that doesn't work, then my backup diet plan is to go back to Weight Watchers and follow the Simply Filling Technique (or whatever they are calling it this year).

The BDS book also goes into explain the different types of healthy diets, such as a set eating plan (which provides a detailed list of the meals and snacks) or a counting system (which allows you to eat what you want within a certain number of calories, carbs, etc).  

I'm definitely more of a counting system type person.  I like having choices and a bit of free range for treats on occasion (it's the "on occasion" part that I need to work on!).

The book explains the guidelines for a doable diet, which is common sense stuff (but things to keep in mind while picking a diet), like making sure it's a healthy diet and not a fad or rapid weight loss diet, make sure the diet includes foods you like, foods that are easy to prepare, etc.  

Since I've been down this road before, I have a very good idea what diets work for me and what doesn't.  Weight Watchers worked for me.  It helped me to have a better understanding of what I was eating and the support from the meetings were awesome.  I tried a ton of diets, weight loss programs, etc before committing to WW, but I was never able to do any of them for more than a couple of weeks. I had issues when I got to my goal weight because for maintaining weight loss, WW didn't work for me.  Counting calories worked... for awhile.  Then I started having weird fluctuations in my weight I couldn't explain.  Eating clean and counting calories took out the fluctuations and was able to maintain my weight.  

It wasn't until I decided to experiment with other variations of eating clean that I ran into issues.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I experimented, that I tried new things.  I have learned so much by eating Paleo, doing the Practical Paleo 30 day weight loss plan, the 21 Day Sugar Detox, and the Whole 30.  I lost weight doing all of those.  Th problem was learning how to continue eating on those programs.  For whatever reason, it just didn't work for me.  I think if I would have done those programs, and then gone right back to tracking my food intake (even if not counting calories, just to see what I was eating), then I probably would have been successful.   

What I learned in the last two years?  That I have to track my food intake.  I will never be one of the people that can eat healthy and stop eating when I'm satisfied.  I'm just not wired that way.  That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or that I've failed in anyway.  It means that through trial and error, I know what works for me and what doesn't.

Huh... I seem to have rambled on more than I planned...  That's what happens when I'm in a good mood, I get talkative!  (If you think this bad... poor Sibyl had to listen to me blather on for 40 minutes while we walked today.  Thank you, Sibyl! LOL)

Tomorrow, Day 3 of the BDS is one that I still have issues with... "Eat Sitting Down."  Which for me, means sitting at the table without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, etc).  I'm notorious for eating in front of a screen of some kind.  So guess what I will be working on from here on out?

Beck Diet Solution... aka BDS: Day 1

No, I'm not starting some new fad diet... The Beck Diet Solution is a book to help with whatever diet you are doing.  It gives you steps to work on to help you stick with the diet.  And to help eliminate the bad habits that cause you to go off the diet. 

I did this years ago and had great success, but like any program... The program {diet} works, if you work the program {diet}.  

I'm working through this book again to see if I can change (or shed) some of the unhealthy habits that have crept back into my life.  (Some habits didn't creep... they came running back into my life!)

Day 1 is to write an "Advantage Response Card."  This is a list of reasons why you want to lose weight.  The idea is that you write down your reasons and read the list at least twice a day.  This is to remind you why you are on the diet and to help counter any sabotaging thoughts you may have.  

My Advantage Response Card: 
1. I will feel better emotionally, mentally and physically.
2. I will look better in my current clothes.
3. I'll get back into the clothes that are currently in storage.
4. I'll have the energy to run, walk and hike.
5. I'll have the confidence to start running again.
6. I won't have the medical issues my mom has.
7. I'll have control around food.
8. I won't use food for comfort.

What I found interesting is when I looked at my list from the last time I did this (March of 2014), it was basically the same items... just in a different order, so different priorities 2 years ago.

1. To continue to enjoy the life I created since getting to goal.
2. I'll feel in control around and not let my emotions rule the moment.
3. I'll continue to feel good when I run.
4. I'll be less self critical and like myself more.
5. I'll feel better physically and emotionally.
6. I'll feel happier when I look in the mirror.
7. I'll have the confidence to try new things.
8. I won't have the health issues my mom has.
9. I'll have the energy to continue to do the things I love, like running, hiking, and walking.
10.  I want to fit into my current wardrobe.
11.  I can continue to motivate and inspire others.

With any luck, getting back into this book will help me get the focus back I need to lose the weight I've gained.  I need a little motivation to get me going in the right direction... and stay there for more than a day or two.

I am happy to report that I have been back on track for three days (hey, it might not sound like much to you, but it's a big deal to me!).  I lost another pound (all water weight, I'm sure, but I'll take it!) so it was easier to stay on track today.  

I also got in my walks today and managed to get more steps today than I have gotten in a day in the last month.  Still not my step goal, but closer.  And since we still have to do our grocery shopping tonight, I may actually get my goal today.

Best of all, Hubby is home!  He's always been supportive and helpful when it comes to my weight loss, and I know with his help, I can get back on track.  But it will be up to me to stay on track.

Asking for help

Yesterday morning when my Hubby called to check in with me, the first thing out of my mouth was, "when you get home, we need to talk... about my weight."

I need help. 

On Thursday and Friday I had been on a eating binge to rival my pre-Weight Watcher days.  Friday night, before I crawled into bed in a carb induced stupor, I stepped on the scale.  I was 189.9 pounds.  I was back to weighing as much Hubby, who is over 6 ft tall.  I got to sleep late, woke up early, all the time my mind whirling with thoughts about my weight, none of them positive.  

Before crawling out of bed, I made a mental plan.  Something to get me through one day.

1 - Ask for help from Hubby.  There are lots of people who would be willing to help me, but right now, I really need Hubby's help.  I need him to know how bad I'm struggling and that I want to get back to what I know works for me.

2 - Track on MyFitnessPal.  I need to get back to tracking.  Logically, I know if I am eating the healthiest foods in moderation, I will lose weight without tracking.  The last couple of years have proved that I am unable to sustain the weight lose eating that way.  I lost weight doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox and the Whole 30 (and felt awesome during the process), but eventually gained the weight back... plus more.  Tracking works best for me and I like using the MyFitnessPal website and app.  Since Hubby does all the cooking, I need him to work with me on getting his recipes added in to the site so I can track accurately.

3 - Eat Clean.  This doesn't necessarily relate to eating Paleo/Primal like my Hubby.  For me, this means occasional carbs from grains.  Organic when possible.  And if I'm going to have processed foods, then 5 ingredients or less.  When I tracked and I ate clean, I was the most successful at maintaining my weight loss.

4 - No TV during the day.  I don't know when the switch in my brain took place, but for the last couple of weeks, I went to back to being a total couch potato.  Usually when I have the TV on, I'm doing something else... cleaning, working on my Lego sets or store inventory, playing a game on my tablet.  Something.  Anything.  Not lately though... I would just sit on the couch with the TV on and more times than not, be eating while sitting on the couch watching TV.  So yesterday, I told myself no TV.  I could sit on the couch and read all day, but no TV. I did turn the TV on in the evening, but I made sure I had something else to do while it was on.

5 - Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep.  My sleep goal on my Fitbit is 7 hours and 45 minutes.  This is my optimal sleep time.  More would be great, but that rarely happens, so I shoot for 7 hours and 45 minutes.  Lately I have not been sleeping enough.  I need that sleep otherwise I will overeat out of tiredness.  I also need to learn to take a nap if I'm tired.  Especially if I'm not reaching my sleep goal.  Yesterday I woke up tired because I had less than 6 hours of sleep.  I had an event I had to be at during the day from 9 to 1, when I got home, I set my alarm for a 45 minute power nap.  I slept good for that 45 minutes and after I shut the alarm off, I laid on the bed thinking about what I wanted to do the rest of the day and promptly fell back to sleep for another hour.  I obviously needed more sleep.  I wasn't sure I would be able to get to sleep at decent time last night, so I decided to go to bed at my normal bedtime and read until I was tired.  I was asleep within a half hour... and slept for nearly 9 hours!  I think I may finally be caught up on sleep.


I followed those 5 steps yesterday the best I could (the event I was at offered pizza for lunch, which I ate and tracked in Myfitnesspal).  I already feel better mentally.   As for the numbers on the scale, they are going down.  I was 189.9 on Friday night (yes, I know, a person weighs more at night), 185.2 yesterday morning and 181.3 as of today.

I need to get to back to the basics of weight loss... a plan that works for me (tracking and eating clean), drinking 64 oz of water a day, and sleeping 7 3/4 hours a night.  

And, of course, the most important part of weight loss... asking for help.  This is one journey in your life, the more support you have, the more successful you will be.

Not much to report

I was going to put the title of the blog as "not much to say" but even when I think I don't have much to say, I still manage to ramble on for a long time.  

"Not much to report" is more accurate.  I'm still at the retreat, still eating a few things I shouldn't and drinking more than I should.  Yet, I still think I'm doing better than I have in the past at these events, so I'm focusing on that.  I will deal with the weight gain, or whatever, when I get home.  

Haven't slept well the past two night, or more accurately, haven't slept for very long.  I sleep okay, but I still wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 in the morning and can't get back to sleep.  Both mornings I have woken up with a headache, which I'm blaming on the alcohol (1 drink the first night, 2 drinks last night... I'm such a light-weight!) and not drinking enough water to counteract the alcohol.  

I have been good about drinking my water.  I had a great app on my phone (yes, another app, I'm beginning to feel like an app junkie) to remind me to drink my water and to keep track of how much water I drink.  You can also track other liquids, but it only counts water toward your goal (which you set).  I have a goal of 64 ounces during the day.  And I've hit that both days I've been here, but I don't think it's been enough.  I probably should have drank more because of the alcohol and being in the hot tub.  Still, better than I've done in the past.

my "recycled" Christmas cards

Yesterday was a very relaxing day.  I spent part of the day uninstalling programs on this computer since this laptop will just be used for digital scrapbooking (got a new laptop about a month ago and haven't moved all my photos or the scrapbooking software yet).  This laptop still works, but there were certain programs that are no longer supported on it since it has the Window Vista operating system and it occasionally locks up or takes forever to process stuff.  Hoping that by removing all the programs and games I don't use or have moved to my new computer, will keep this one working well enough that I can use it strictly for digital scrapbooking.  We'll see how long that works... 

Anyway, yesterday I removed programs from this laptop, soaked in the hot tub several times, spent time visiting with my friends, and finally did some scrapbooking... or at least, some card making.  But very simplistic card making.  I just reused old Christmas cards to create new ones.  And I took the time to do the ROMWOD (stretching video) in the late afternoon.  Was a nice break while doing the cards and after sitting for so long it felt really good to stretch out.

See... told you, even when I haven't much to report, I still mange to find plenty of say.  

At the retreat

One of my "crafts" completed this weekend

Good morning and happy Friday!

Hey, that's usually how I start my daily emails to my friends, so I figured that would a great way to start this blog, too.

I'm at the crafting retreat and having a great time getting caught up with friends.  I spent an hour or so soaking in the outdoor hot tub last night.  Feels good to finally have some downtime away from work and all the stress I had been dealing with concerning my mom in the last month and a half.

The food situation is a challenge (and the drinking), but I am doing okay with my choices.  It helps to have Michelle here and the others are also trying to eat better than we normally would, so that helps too.  We can all keep an eye on each other and motivate one another.  (Though there are still a lot of snacks floating around... and lot of alcohol.)

I did have a drink last night, along with some candy, and all that sugar is definitely effecting me today.  I woke up with headache (at 5 this morning!) and it's just now going away (5 1/2 hours later).  I did give in a buy a diet pop (I only have it when I'm feeling sick to my stomach, and usually diet 7Up), but other than that I haven't had the urge to "eat for comfort" that I usually want to do when I have a headache.  So that's a plus, for me! 

Usually when I come to retreats, I really get into it and get a lot done, but this time it's more about hanging out friends and relaxing.  Instead of a lot scrapbooking projects, I brought some Lego sets, including the Wall-E Lego set, which everyone adores.  He is so cute!  Now that the Lego sets are together, I will either need to scrapbook (make cards or do some digital scrapbooking) or just sit and visit.  Right now, just sitting here and visiting is all I have energy for. 

Once I get rid of this headache, I will find a quiet spot to roll out my yoga mat and do the stretching video.  Which after the 40 minute workout yesterday, I definitely need it.  My legs are sore today after the "warrior workout" yesterday.  Other than that, no other workouts planned for the day... unless playing in the hot springs pool and soaking in the hot tub count.  :-)

Mikey with Duffy the Teddy Bear 

The only bad part about this weekend is I need to leave a day early so I can be home Saturday for my cat, Mikey.  He is a registered Therapy Pet (he gets to visit the residents of nursing homes around town) and he has his two year re-evaluation this weekend.  I'm bummed I have to cut my weekend short, but it's worth it in the long run.  Mikey enjoys visiting with the elderly residents as much as they enjoy his visits.  I never would have believed a cat would make a good therapy pet, but it fits his personality perfectly.

Hopefully, by tomorrow's blog post I will have some actual scrapbook stuff completed.  But if not, that just means I had fun visiting with my friends! 

More challenges (aka life)

This week has been a challenge with my hubby gone, but I think overall I have done really well.  Not great, but a lot better than I first envisioned.  I have ate more than I should and a few things I should have avoided, but there have been small victories (for me, anyway).  

I haven't been scrapbooking in months because of my Lego obsession....

Another challenge starts for me this afternoon.  I will be going to the spring craft retreat (formerly the scrapbooking weekend, but we're trying to open it up to more people... which works great for me because I haven't scrapped anything in about a year...).  I'm off for a few days with friends, working on crafts, and hanging out in the hot springs pool and hot tub.  I generally eat way too much at the retreats.  And yes, occasionally drinking too much as well.  I always have a good time and after the month of work stress and stress of dealing with my mom, I am very much looking forward to getting away.

As always, I'm worried I will eat way too much and come home feeling fat and lethargic.  I always go with a plan and often I have done well, but there have been times I have gone totally overboard.

I am taking a few "treats" with me, but trying to limit those and take some healthy snacks as well.  I also plan on taking my laptop so I can at least do the stretching videos in the morning.  So I have a plan.  And it helps to know that at least one of my friends going will also be watching what she eats and drinks (she's lost 10 pounds doing Weight Watchers online -- way to go Michelle!!).  

And speaking of losing weight, somehow I managed to drop about a half pound.  I found this amazing since I know what I ate yesterday (and yesterday was not a good day... overate and didn't get out for my walks).  I think that kind of spurred me to be careful this weekend.  I don't want the way I ate yesterday to become a trend for the weekend.

The highlight of my week of challenges, was my run on Tuesday afternoon.  I ran the mile loop around my neighborhood again (same exact route as I did on Sunday) and shaved 29 seconds off my time.  The run didn't feel as good as Sunday, felt more forced, a few more aches and pains, and a lot more walk breaks, so to get it done in less time, felt amazing!

The morning stretching that I'm doing thanks to www.romwod.com is really helping.  Usually the stretching videos are about 20 minutes, but this morning was the once-a-week "warrior workout" that is 40 minutes.  I debated skipping it and redoing one of the shorter ones, but decided to give it a try.  I knew I could always end it early if it became too much.  Some of the poses were difficult, some I could definitely feel the stretch, but as I held each pose, I would remind myself why I was doing it.  I visualized myself running again.  The 40 minutes went by quickly and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it.

I realize this is rambling blog post today, but I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing again.  I really did miss doing this for the months I wasn't writing.  It's a great way for me to vent, rant, cry, and laugh.  I use it to help remind myself of the things I have accomplished and the things I'm capable of.  It helps me to organize my thoughts and work through whatever may going on in my life.  I know that I would get the same release from keeping a private journal, but the things I get out the most from keeping a blog, is it makes me realize I'm not alone.  My friends may not comment via the blog, but they do email or text me after they read it.  It's a comfort to me that others are going through the same thing I am.  I am not on this journey by myself.  I am not the only one who is struggling with weight, activity, or just the daily stresses of life.  So thank you, to my friends who share this struggle and thank you to those who read this and understand what I'm saying.  Please know you are not alone.  

Running through the fear

Yesterday was a good day... Not perfect by any means, but I did feel more in control with my eating.  I still ate a few things that I probably should have avoided, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. 


My Hubby is gone for a week (his annual trip to Vegas to watch the beginning tournaments of March Madness), so that in itself is a challenge for me.  I tend to overeat when he's not around.  Not sure why, but if I'm going to binge, it will be when he's gone.  With my current mindset and him leaving, I was terrified what would happen.  I voiced my concern to him and he assured me I would be fine.  We planned out my meals for the week and since he usually does the cooking, we found easy to make recipes for me.  Now, the trick will be to not bring junk food into the house while he is gone.


Hubby is still doing CrossFit and loving it!  I'm happy he has found something he enjoys and I think it's really helped him come out of his shell (he's a shy guy but makes the effort at CF to talk with people).  Like me, he had some issues with his knees because of running and not stretching properly, and now with CF he was getting some shoulder pain with all the lifting.  Someone at CF told him about a website that streams daily yoga-type stretches (www.romwod.com).  He began to do that, and started noticing improvements almost right away.  Since it was helping him, he encouraged me to start doing the stretching with him.  I resisted for awhile (hey, I was still in my funk and didn't want to do anything...), but when I started saying how much I missed running, he told me how the stretching had really helped his knee.  I finally gave in and did one of the videos with him.  I actually enjoyed it.  It was a great way to start the day, I found it relaxing and helped with some much needed stress-relief.

After doing the stretches for several days, I decided that I was ready to face my fear concerning my knee pain.  I was ready to try running. 

It's been months (possibly more than 6 months) since I last ran outside.  I've a run a couple of times since then, on the treadmill, with a lot of walk breaks.  I was little nervous about running, but I wasn't going more than a mile and walking would always be an option. 

So off I went.  A little knee pain in the beginning, but I remembered my CrossFit Endurance training (what little I did!) and kept my stride short, pulled my leg up, bent at the ankles, and let gravity do the rest.  Soon the ache in my knees subsided and for a block or two, I felt great.  Then I went up a slight incline and my breathing went to hell and I was nearly gasping for breath.  After a half mile of running, I slowed to walk (which at that point felt faster than my running pace) to catch my breath.  After several steps I went back to running.  I focused on points in the distance... run to that mailbox... run to that street sign... to the lamp post... to the dog... oh, wait, the dog is going away from me... run to the parked car... walk a few steps... run to the mailbox... run to the pothole... walk a few steps... run to the...

Finally, I was back to my street, then I was back to my house.  I did it!  I ran a mile outside!  Probably my worst pace ever for a run that short, but I was thrilled to have done it.  It felt great to be running again.  And most importantly -- very little knee pain! 

I conquered my fear of "what if."  I ran through my fear and felt better for it.  I'm hoping that this one success will spur me on to get back into running... which I hope will lead to better eating... and with any luck, will help me to lose this weight I've gained.

Finding happiness

I started writing a blog post over a month ago, but never finished it.  Why?  Because life seemed to take over as it usually does.  The days go by quickly and those things you think you will do tomorrow, you do a week later... or never.

The last 4 or 5 months have been awful in regards to my weight.  No other way to put it.  I struggled mentally with my weight loss and it showed up physically.  I haven't given up, though looking at me from the outside, it may look that way.  But there is a constant mental struggle going on each day, each meal, each snack.  

Looking back over the last five months I'm not sure what happened to my drive, my determination, my motivation.  It got lost in the stress of work, the holidays, family, and the stress of having my mom in the hospital.

I've let the little annoyances, frustrations, and stresses in my life turn into bigger things then they actually were.  I let my "worst case scenario" thinking turn into worse case scenario in regards to my weight.  Then I let that bring me to the brink of depression.  Not actually there, but I could see it lurking around the corner.

The situation with my mom has pushed me to come to grips with my weight and what I need to do about it.  

I love my mom.  But, at times, I don't like my mom.  I envy my friends that have that great relationship with there mom, because although I've had moments in my life where I had that, for the most part it's been a feeling of mutual tolerance.  My mom favors my brother.  I don't say this with hate or jealousy or sibling rivalry.  It is fact.  Anyone who has spent any time with my family can attest to this.  Growing up, I was very aware of this in the way my mom dealt with my brother and I, and though it bothered me, I figured it evened out in the end because I was a Daddy's Girl through and through.  That never stopped me from trying to get praise from my mom. That was until, at the age of 40, I came to the realization that was never going to happen.  And it would be my weight loss that made me come to the that conclusion.

When I got to my 100 pound weight loss in April of 2010, my awesome Weight Weight leader and receptionist gave me flowers for my achievement.  I was awed they would go out of there way to do that and little surprised because I had been bouncing around that goal for several weeks, which meant for several weeks they had had flowers on hand "just in case."  My mom was aware of my weekly struggle to get to that goal, and the day I finally did it, I called her.  Excited beyond belief and wanting to share this news with the people I love, I couldn't wait to tell her.  I told her I finally did it, I got my 100 pound weight loss!  There was a pause, and then a remark about how the flowers must have been dead since it took me so long to get the weight off.  I was shocked and hurt and stammered something about how that was a mean thing to say, then my mom replied, "oh, you know I was just kidding..."  And that would be her reply a lot over the next year as she made other comments about my weight. 

But that will always be the day that I realized no matter what I achieved in my life, I was never going to get the praise I so desperately wanted to hear from my mom.  It made me realize that I couldn't count on others to make me happy, feel worthy, or loved.  I had to do that for myself.  And I learned when others do make you feel that way, accept it, hold on to it, and reciprocate the feeling as much you can.

Somewhere in the last five months, I forgot all that and began looking externally for happiness.  I felt lost without my focus on running, but was too scared to try because of the knee pain.  I used worked stress as an excuse to eat junk and to overeat. As my weight ballooned up, as my fear of running increased to the point of being irrational, and I lost sight of my internal happiness and self worth.

Then, the end of January, my mom went into the hospital with back pain.  After many tests and after seeing several specialists, they determined the back pain was actually related to her esophagus issues.  She has what the doctor called a sloughing esophagus, constant acid reflex has caused her esophagus to wear away and slough off.  The acid reflex is caused by a hiatal hernia and being overweight (her stomach is being pushed up due to the weight around her waist).  While in the hospital, she fell numerous times due to her neuropathy, which is caused by her diabetes.  The diabetes was caused by her bad eating habits and lack of activity.  I happened to be visiting her one day when the doctor came to see her, and was surprised by how many times the doctor said her problems and issues were caused or increased due to her weight.  It was a clear reminder of why I started on this weight loss journey to begin with.  I did not (and do not) want to be in that situation.  I do not want to be in the hospital, in pain, bed-ridden, and on so many medications it takes a spreadsheet to keep track of them.

So you would think hearing what the doctor said and seeing what my mom was going through, I would go home, throw on my running shoes, run to the natural grocery store, and stock up on healthy foods, right?  Nope.  Not at all.  Instead, I drove to the store, bought junk food, and ate it in the car.  The whole time berating myself for letting myself get so far off track with my weight loss.  And I didn't do that once, I did multiple times over the month that my mom was in the hospital and then in rehab.  

It wasn't until I started reaching out to friends and talking about what I was doing that I was able to stop.  Okay, not stop, but at least cut back.  

I've spent the last few weeks, trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could learn from this massive detour on my weight loss journey.  The problem is, I don't think anything went "wrong."  Life happened.  With life comes emotions.  The old hurts, resentments, and fears crept back into my life.  They came slowly at first, but once I opened that door, they flooded in.  I lost confidence in myself.  I let the fear in and quickly forgot what I am capable of doing, of the wonderful things I have accomplished.  I let in the negativity and it robbed me of my contentment and happiness in every day things.  Why this happened, I have no idea... there was no trigger, no tragedy... just every day things that I let bother me.  And like I said, it started slowly and then snowballed.

I came to realize I needed to stop dwelling on the why it happened.  I needed to get past the negativity that has been permeating my life, and focus on happiness.  Not over the top happiness that annoys everyone, but little things.  I found a great app to help with this (yep, there are happiness apps out there... there truly is an app for everything!), it's called Daily Challenge.  And within this app, you can chose a "track" whether it be eating healthy, activity, clearing up clutter, and many more.  The one I chose is "Emotional Enrichment."  After 7 days, I'm loving it.  The challenges are interesting and thought provoking.  In the last week some of the challenges have been to make a list of 5 things that make you happy, dance to at least one song, give someone a genuine compliment, "turn off" for 5 minutes with no electronics, spend time appreciating a piece art, and one that truly meant a lot to me, reconnect with an old friend.  

I immediately thought of my friend Sibyl.  We don't see much of each other now that our lives are taking different paths, and when we do see one another, it's usually in a group setting.  I sent her an email asking if she wanted to meet for lunch or for a lunchtime walk, just the two of us.  She quickly responded with an offer to meet at the local park for a lunchtime walk.  The day we picked was windy and cool, but we trudged along anyway.  So glad we did!  It was wonderful to talk with her to get caught up, I told her about the issues with my mom, she told me about her IronMan training, we talked about our significant others, and I confided in her about trying to find my inner happiness/contentment.  She understood what I was saying before I even finished saying it.  She knows I need to find happiness or I will never be able to get the weight back off and keep it off.   If I'm not happy with myself as I am now, I will never be happy at my goal weight.

I know this.  It was a hard lesson to learn when I first got to my goal weight.  Getting to the ideal weight does not make you happy.  It does not fix the problems in your life.  It does not make your life better.  

Getting to your goal weight makes you healthier and gives you more energy to deal with life.  Period.

So before I can restart my weight loss journey, I'm purposely making a detour to find contentment in my everyday life.  There is happiness and contentment within me, and I will find it.  And I will share it with those around me.