As much as it hurts to run...

...it hurts worse not to run.  That's the thought that occurred to me Monday evening as I did a 2.9 mile run after work.  

Between July and November, I hadn't been running, attempting to run, or even really consider running.  But as the number kept creeping up on the scale, I realized I had to do something to get myself back on track.  Just attempting to eat right, eat better, eat healthier wasn't do it, so I decided to run.  

I know from experience that I stick with a running schedule if I have a race planned, so I told Hubby I wanted to do the Salt Lake Half Marathon in April of 2017, giving myself plenty of time to train but something to work toward.  He just sort of nodded and went on his way, not really believing I would follow through.  At the beginning of November, I sat down and figured out a training schedule that had me starting from scratch (in other words, a one mile run) and slowly increasing the distance a little each week until the race.  

Three weeks in and I'm up to 2.93 miles.  Painful miles.  Yes, there is a little knee pain, but stretching helps with that.  The pain is more from trying to run while 55 pounds over my healthy weight.  And it's more than the weight pain, it's the mental pain.  While I'm running (jogging... fast walk...), I can feel in every muscle of my body what I have done to myself by gaining the weight back. Which makes it hard not to fall into the pit of negativity.  I am doing a constant internal monologue to keep myself moving.  I remind myself that I am doing it and that's all that matters.  I tell myself that eventually the eating will fall into place as I continue train for the race (which hasn't happened yet...).  The emotions run faster than my pace most days.  I swing from feeling good about actually making myself get out there for a run to tears at the pain and embarrassment of running while at heavy weight.

As I struggled along on Monday night, I realized that not running hurt more.  I had lost my way, my motivation to stay healthy, the one activity that I enjoyed (enjoy in a love-hate sort of way...).  By not running, I made things worse for myself not only physically, but mentally as well.  I took a certain pride in running.  Not everyone takes the time and effort to train for half marathons.  I felt special when I completed those races.  I took pride in my accomplishment.  Once I stopped running, I lost that feeling.  And once that feeling was gone, I took a "I don't care" attitude about my weight... and things have spiraled out of control. 

As I head into the holiday season, I realize that running it not enough.  I need to get my eating under control as well.  I want to continue to run, but I want to run with less weight, less mental baggage.  I want the negativity that swirls around my head to stop so I can focus on the positive things in my life.  I want to enjoy life and be thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life.  

I need to focus on one day at a time.  And with today being Thanksgiving, I will need all the focus, motivation, and will power I can muster to keep positive thoughts in regards to food.  I need to focus on things I'm thankful for, find the motivation to go for a 3+ mile run this morning (despite getting only 5 hours sleep because of migraine - why else would I be typing a blog post at 4:30 in the morning!), and the will power to eat healthfully throughout the day.  

I think my mantra should be "run, stretch, track, repeat."  By tracking my food intake, running for exercise, and stretching to keep the knee pain at bay, I just might get myself back to the place I want to be.  Healthy.

One week

Me, hiking to the Coolidge Ghost Town Mine
in the Pioneer Scenic Mountains

Summer is by far the busiest time of year of for me.  Besides working full time, fostering 1 to 5 kittens at a time, my Hubby and I try to spend as much time outdoors as possible.  I love this time of year!  

A week and a half ago, Hubby and I went camping in the Pioneer Scenic Mountains for four days.  We had a wonderful time relaxing, taking walks, and hiking.  I slept great, had energy, and started to feel like I did several years ago.  The trip was refreshing and renewed my faith in myself.

When we got home, I did something I should have done months ago... I packed away all the clothes that no longer fit me.  I had been hanging on to them, hoping against hope, that I would wake up one morning at my healthy weight.  That is not going to happen.  I have gained over 45 pounds, so most of the clothes are not going to fit until I lose the weight again.  Which could take years.  

Some people would say by keeping the clothes is incentive, a reminder of what to work toward, a way to stay positive that I will get the weight off.  And that may work for some people.  I am not one of those people.  By having all those clothes that didn't fit, it was a reminder to me of how badly I was off track. Having the clothes taunted me everyday, sending me into that dark place of feeling bad about myself, frustrated, annoyed, and self-loathing.  Which would set me up (mentally) for a bad day.  Picking out a shirt or a pair of pants that I thought would fit, but didn't, would cause me to break into tears.  

Those clothes had to go.

And so, I packed up two storage containers full of clothes that once fit, that I had felt proud to wear.  It was a hard thing to do.  I became more emotional than I would have imagined.  When all the clothes were in the containers, lids secured, and ready for storage, I laid on the floor and cried.  

Then, I got up, and moved on with my life.

I got back on track Sunday, by tracking my food on MyFitness Pal, I made sure I got my 10,000 steps that day, did the stretching, drank my 64 oz of water, and got to bed on time.  I did that same thing again on Monday... and Tuesday... and Wednesday... and before I knew it, I had been back on track for 7 days.  I can't remember the last time I stayed totally on plan for a week.  I feel good, physically, mentally and emotionally.  I was even able to say no doughnuts - multiple times! - this week.  

This week I have gained some confidence in myself.  I am capable of being on track, of doing what needs to be done to make myself into the healthy, energetic person I want to be.  Part of me is scared that at any moment I could totally sabotage myself and go back to the old habits that caused me to gain the 50 pounds back, but I'm trying to focus on today.  Focus on this moment. 

I was successful yesterday, so there's no reason why I can't be successful today.  

I'm focusing on simple goals:

• Track my food intake.  I hate tracking.  I did for years and years.  Let's face it, I was most successful when I tracked.  I might hate it, but it works.  It's time consuming, restrictive, and boring.  But it gets me to where I want to be. 
• Walk 10,000 steps a day.  Since I'm not running, working out, or doing CrossFit, I need some sort of activity during the day.  Walking is the best form of exercise for me right now because I can do it anywhere and it's easy.
• Drink at least 64 oz of water a day.  Water keeps me hydrated, helps with cravings, and is just good for me. 
• Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep.  Over time, I realized this is the optimal sleep time for me.  When I get this amount of sleep, I have more energy, I'm more alert, and I don't fall into the habit of "eating to stay awake."  Also, to sleep well, I cut out "screens" 20 minutes prior to bed.  No TV, phone, computer, or tablet.  Okay, I do read a book on my tablet, but I have the screen set so it's not bright, dulled like a book.  I read for 10 to 20 minutes before I turn out the light and I sleep well.
• Stretch.  If I want to be able to walk (hike, run, workout) I need to stretch once a day.  It keeps the knee pain away.  Hubby and I still do the ROMWOD (www.romwod.com) every every evening.  We've fallen into a comfortable habit this week... dinner, a walk so we make our step goals, stretch, then relax.  

That's it.  I do those five things everyday and I will have a successful day.  Eating healthy just falls into place when I'm focused on those, because I don't want to blow a good day with some food that will make me go off plan.  That's not to say I don't have any indulgences during the week.  In fact, I save the treat for after dinner.  If I have the calories left, I will have a Schwan's fudge stick or something similar.  Giving me that little bit of sugar and sweetness.  I do much better having it at the end of the day and then I do starting the day with sugar.  

What's on the agenda today?  Continuing to focus on those five simple goals.  Will I be able to keep this up for any length of time?  I honestly don't know.  I just know that I have done it for seven days, so I'm going to try for eight.  

Doing better

I feel like I've done better this week mentally, if nothing else.  Was up again when I stepped on the scale this morning, but trying not to let that derail me.  I still ate more than I planned this week, so "no" to tempting foods a few times, and gave in a couple of times.  It's all about progress not perfection.

I'm still not happy where I am right now and I have a feeling until I come to peace with what I look like at this moment, I won't be able to move forward.  I need to find a way to forgive myself for gaining the weight back and accept that it happened and move on.  Until then, I'm going to be stuck... mentally and physically.

I can be really hard on myself.  I always have encouraging words for others, can talk them through the rough patches of their weight loss, yet I can't seem to use those same words on myself.  I need to learn to be own my best friend if I'm going to get back on track.

At least I'm getting back to blogging.  That does help.  I've always loved to write and writing my feelings helps me work through whatever is bothering me.  So blogging this week has helped keep me a bit more on track.  Well, more on track than I have been in the last couple of months.

I usually link the blog post to my Facebook and Twitter accounts, but I haven't done that with these last few entries.  And why haven't I?  I guess on some level, I'm embarrassed and ashamed by how much weight I've put on.  I try not to let my friends know how much it bothers me.  How frustrated, annoyed, and angry at myself I am.  I want to put on a happy face for them... I don't want to be the "Negative Nellie" that people avoid.  

So... for now, I'm just writing these blog entries for me.  Me and the couple of people that have stumbled across them.  

I wish I had more time to write today.  More time delve into what is bothering me and causing me to sabotage my own weight loss efforts.  But life is busy.  Work, fostering kittens, and summer activities keep me busy most days.  This morning, it's the foster kittens.  Two of our foster kittens are going to the vet to be neutered and since Hubby can't run to the vet today, it's up to me.  Which means I get to work late, need to leave a little early, and still get my work done and get my butt out for a walk or two.  

Speaking of walking, I did manage to get my step goal twice this week.  I'm happy about that!  Hoping next week will be even better since my friend Windy is back from vacation and should be able to start walking again.  

Okay, off to get my day started.  Goals for today... walk, no doughnuts, and plenty of water.  Plan on weighing in tomorrow, so I need to stay focused today! 

Yesterday was a better day

Yesterday was a much better day for me.  Both mentally and emotionally.  Maybe it was because I blogged first thing in the morning or maybe I was just ready for a good day.

I was able to avoid processed foods throughout the day.  No easy feat since a co-worker offered me a doughnut in the morning and I'm surrounded by guys who love to snack throughout the day... and are very generous with their treats.  

Getting my walks in helped a lot.  Not only to get me to my 10K step goal (ended the day with nearly 13K - yea me!), but also to relieve some of the stress that my job seems to create throughout the day.  The walks kept me energized so I was able to be more productive at work and at home.  

I tend to become a couch potato when I get home from work so the fact I got a few little chores done is amazing.  Even took a short walk with Hubby after dinner (okay, confession time, I downloaded Pokemon Go to see what all the fuss was about... not sure if I was doing something wrong or what, but nothing really happened other than a short walk with Hubby... think I'll stick with Zombies, Run and Geocaching for outdoor apps on my phone).  I also did the daily ROMWOD (stretching), something I haven't done in a week.

Overall, just a good day.  Maybe it was the start of getting back on track (god, how many times have I said that in the last three years?!?) or maybe it was just a fluke.  I'm going to keep those good feelings I had yesterday to get me through another good day.  

I thought about getting up and running this morning.  Thinking about it was as far as I got.  I haven't run in weeks.  I did a 7 mile run the end of June, then nothing since then.  I really need to do some short runs during the week so I will be able to complete the Endurance Run (the 14 mile hike I mentioned yesterday) in a few weeks.  My training partner and I have been going out and doing parts of the trail on Sundays.  We've done a 9 mile loop several times and had planned on doing the 12 mile loop last Sunday but rain (with the possibility of lightening) kept us out of the mountains.  The plan is the to the 12 mile loop at least twice before the race.  If we (okay, if I) can do that part in under 6 hours, then there's hope that I will be able to finish the entire race in under 7 hours.  

I have to say, training on the hills/mountains is actually going pretty well.  It's a tough course.  There's a section that is five miles of mainly uphill climb and I've done that part twice now.  I whined and wheezed my way through it the first time, but the second time was much easier with little to no whining from me.  The frustrating part is knowing that doing these hikes would be much easier if I wasn't carrying around an extra 50 pounds.

Oh, on that note... I'm down nearly five pounds from yesterday.  How is that possible, you ask?  Well, I weighed in my jammies this morning and not my going-to-work clothes like I did yesterday, so that was probably 2 or 3 pounds of it.  Plus I drank a lot of water yesterday... over 90 oz!  I drank water whenever I had the urge to snack.  Guessing the water helped clear out my system... and the trips to the bathroom added to my step count!  :-)

Maybe today will be another good day and I will be able to salvage this week for a decent weigh in at Weight Watchers tomorrow.  Hey, it could happen...

I am one of "those" people

Usually before I start typing a blog entry, I have clear idea what I want to write about.  Not today.  I haven't a clue where to start.  

It's been months since I last wrote anything.  I thought about it in May when Sibyl pointed out it had been over a month since my last entry.  I considered blogging then, but had nothing to say.

I thought about in June when I completed the 10K.  I thought about it in the last month as I begin training for the 14 mile trail run (or in my case, 14 mile slow, hope-I-don't-die hike).  

Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last three months.  And a lot of eating.  A LOT of eating.

As of this morning, I am up 56.8 pounds from my lowest point.  

I have become one of "those" people.  One of "those" people that have lost over 100 pounds, but gained some or all of the weight back. 

I never understood how some one could put all the time, energy, and yes, even money, to lose weight and then gain it back.  

Now I get it.

I'm sure a lot of people think it's because "those" people are lazy.  "Those" people have no will power. 

Honestly, that may be part of it.  I do feel lazy most days.  I feel like all my drive, motivation, energy, and will power have taken a permanent vacation.  But it is so much more than that.  It's all the emotions tied to food.  It's years of eating to avoid dealing with emotions.  It's all the bad habits surrounding food sneaking (or in some cases, rushing) back into my life.  It's being sick and tired of counting calories, eating the "right" foods, making sure to get enough activity during the day, and tracking each little bite.  It's being stuck in the vicious cycle of overeating, feeling guilty about overeating, then eating because I feel bad, gaining weight, eating more.  It's about not feeling worthy enough to be at a healthy weight.  It's all that and so much more.

So now I get it.  I get why "those" people gain the weight back.  I am one of "those" people.

In the last couple of years I have used every excuse in the book as to why I have gained the weight back.  I have excuses.  Tons of them.  But when it comes down to it, I have no idea why I keep gaining weight.  I don't want to.  I really don't.  I get up every morning and think, "today is the day I get back on track.  Today is the day that I start losing weight."  Then I think about how long it took me to lose the weight the first time, I look at how much I have to lose, and I get depressed.  And because I still, after all these years, cannot deal with emotions without food, I eat.  I gain more weight.  I get more depressed.  I eat more.  

And then one day I wake up, and I am 56 pounds heavier.  

I'm not a stupid person.  I know what I need to do to get the weight off.  I have the knowledge and experience to get the weight off and to keep it off.  I have the tools to help through the process.  I have the love and support of my Hubby and friends for this journey.

I am not getting any younger.  I want to head into my "Golden Years" a healthier person than I am today.  I want to be able to enjoy my retirement.  I want the energy to enjoy my grandsons and nieces, be able to keep up with Hubby, wear all those clothes in my closet that no longer fit, and be able to walk, hike, and run without feeling all the extra weight I'm carrying around.  

I want all that yet, but everyday I sabotage myself, getting myself farther and farther away from those things.  

I so badly want to say that today will be different.  That today will be the day I get back on track, but I'm not sure I believe it.  I've had too many days of disappointment in myself.  I have lost the confidence to lose the weight.  The want and desire are there, but negativity seems to be greater than the positives.  

And so I end this blog the same way I started it, with the confusion of not knowing... all my thoughts rambling around in my head and still no direction.  Still not sure of where or how to start over.  Or even if I have it in me to do so...

What I learned from CrossFit

My runs this week have been better than last week, but not as good as Saturday.  I'm chalking the slow pace up to semi-darkness and chilly mornings.  I really didn't want to go out this morning.  I was tired, out sorts, and my jaw hurt from my visit to the dentist yesterday.  But, despite all that, I got on my running clothes and headed out the door.  I kept reminding myself that I could always walk if I didn't want to run... but once I get going, I generally stay at run (jog, fast walk for everyone else).

Running is a good time to think, to reflect, to plan.  I thought I would hate running by myself, but I am finding that I really enjoy the alone time, with no distractions.  Well, other then the ache in my knee... the ragged breathing... watching out for cars... avoiding the deer....

This morning as I was running, I was thinking back to what I was doing a year ago.  I was running very little because of severe knee pain and I had just started CrossFit.  Windy asked me the other day what I got out of CrossFit, what I liked about it.  I told her the thing I remember most, and still use, is the techniques I learned about running in the Endurance class.  That conversation got me to thinking about what else I got out of it. 

There are two things that I feel where the most important lessons I got out CrossFit.  Stretching and the running technique. 

Yes, I learned a lot from CrossFit other than those two things.  I learned I am stronger than I thought I was.  That there are so many new activities for me to try and to learn.  I experienced the strong community feeling that CrossFit brings. At CrossFit, people won't judge you because of the things you can't do, but will encourage you to try and cheer you on during the workout.

Even with all other things I learned and experienced, it was the importance of stretching and learning a new running technique that I still carry with me.

I knew stretching was important but through CrossFit I learned new stretching techniques in the mobility classes.  I learned that to get a good stretch after working out you need to hold the stretch position for 1 minute, in mobility, 2 minutes.  Most likely my knee pain was caused by not stretching or when I did stretch, not stretching enough or not doing the stretches that would benefit my knee.  Since doing the ROMWOD (stretching videos) 6 days a week and making sure I stretch after I run, I am seeing some improvement with my knee.  Less pain, and more of a dull ache.  And I can run.  That in itself is an improvement.

Thanks to the endurance class through CrossFit, I learned a different technique for running which is less impacting on my knee.  While running, if my knee does start to hurt, then I hear Coach Krista's voice in my head saying, "pull, pull, pull..."  When I do that technique, I am pulling, taking smaller strides, and my knee longer hurts. 

When I tell people that I used to CrossFit, they always asked me why I no longer do it.  The only answer I can come up with is, it just wasn't the right fit for me.  I've tried time and again to articulate how much I liked CrossFit, yet how much it stressed me out (mentally, emotionally), but I just can't find the right words.  I did like CrossFit.  I like how much I was learning about lifting and the various skills they teach.  I liked seeing improvements in the workouts I was doing.  But I just did not get the same satisfaction from CrossFit as I get from running.  I don't necessarily enjoy running, but I get the most awesome feeling when I'm done.  When I have completed a run.  When I have pushed myself to do it even when I didn't feel like it.  When I get that great pace, or have a good pace on a crappy day.  For me, there is this wonderful feeling of satisfaction.  As hard as I worked at CrossFit, as wonderful as everyone was, as great as I felt when I saw improvement, I rarely had that feeling of satisfaction.  That's how I knew CrossFit just wasn't my thing.

But that's not to say I wouldn't recommend others to try it.  In fact, I've told several people they should give it a try.  It was great experience for me and I think anyone who does it, will walk away with something learned and will not regret having tried it.  I would say to anyone who does try it, to commit to at least 2 to 3 months, so you have time to learn the techniques of the workouts and to give yourself time to see improvement.

I know anyone who commits to it and gives it their best effort, will walk away from the experience a better person.  I know I did.

4 weeks and counting...

It's now been 4 weeks that I have been back on some type of program.  Not sure what to call the program... clean eating? Paleo with indulgences?  Sort of Weight Watchers?  Whatever you call it, it seems to work for me.

Most of my meals are Paleo/Primal since that is what Hubby prefers and he does all the cooking.  My snacks, for the most part, would be considered clean eating.  Yet, I've had a lot of indulgences that don't fall under any of those categories.  And I'm back to going to my Thursday morning Weight Watcher meetings.  I track all my food on MyFitnessPal, keep track of my steps with Fitbit, and use Runkeeper when I run. 

I've lost 7 pounds in the last 28 days, which for me, the slow loser, is awesome.  Especially considering all the indulgences (cheese cake, cupcakes, ice cream, chocolate) I have had during that time.

I wish I could say I feel great, but I am still struggling with enough issues, that I'm not quite there yet.  This past week has been difficult, both physically and mentally, but I didn't give into emotional eating, so that's a big plus.  I haven't slept enough this week, and I had one of those weeks were I just felt fat and bloated. 

And then there was the running and the knee pain.  Last Saturday I had a good run, so I was actually looking forward to running during the week.  When I went out on Monday morning, I felt good.  No knee pain, breathing was good, and kept to mostly positive thoughts.  So I was surprised at the end of the run to see I my pace was over a 14 minute mile.  And Wednesday's run was even worse... followed by the worst knee pain than I've had in months. 

This shows I have increased

my steps by 68% over the previous 28 days - Go Me!

Hubby thought maybe I was overdoing it... and like usual, he was probably right.  I not only started running again, but I more than doubled my daily steps, was doing the ROMWOD stretching 6 days a week, and doing the Wii Fit two mornings a week.  Pretty sure my knee was rebelling... screaming at me, yelling, "What the hell do you think your doing?  We haven't worked this hard in 6 to 8 months!  That's it, I'm going to show you how I feel about this!" And the pain followed for the next three days.  But I continued to walk... continued to stretch... continued with the Wii Fit. 

Today was a run day.  I was very nervous about getting out because I still had knee pain last night.  I decided I would go and if my knee started to act up, I would walk.  Either way, I was going to get my two miles in.

My knee ached during the run but no major pain.  Breathing was a little ragged but not enough to cause the exercise induced asthma.  And the pace was slow... or so I thought.  I ended the run with a 12:45 per mile pace.  Huh?  How did I manage that?  That definitely was not what I had expected, but I was thrilled!

I'm still not a hundred percent certain I will be able to the 10K in June, but I'm going to keep working at it.  It's a goal.  Something to strive for.

On another note... Thursday, April 14 was my 12 year anniversary of starting on this weight loss journey.  I may not be where I was 6 years ago (at my 100 pound loss), but I am far cry from where I was 12 years ago.  73.8 pounds away from my weight of 12 years. 

I've had a lot ups and downs during the last 4 weeks, but overall, I feel much better than I have in months.  I can only hope that by getting back to what works well for me will help me get back to a weight I am comfortable with, and back to the energy level that I long to have again.

The voices in my head

While I was running this morning, I noticed that the voices in my head seemed to be arguing with each other.  My positive side and negative side were having a constant discussion about my run, how I was feeling and how I was doing... It went something like this:

Negative: Why are we doing this?  I'm tired... let's just go back.

Positive:  We're out here because we signed up the 10K and we need to get the training runs in.

Negative:  Well, that was dumb.  Why did we sign up?  We haven't run a race in a year and haven't run at all since last summer.

Positive:  That's why we out here!  To start running again.

Negative:  Well, I wouldn't call this running... it's more like a slow shuffle.

Positive:  Doesn't matter if we run or walk, as long as we are out here.

Negative: So walking is a option?  Let's do that instead.

Positive:  No, we are doing well enough we don't need to walk yet. 

Negative:  My knee hurts.

Positive:  There's a little ache, no pain, we're fine.

Negative:  We can't breathe.  If we keep this up, we're going to trigger an asthma attack. 

Positive:  No.  We can breathe.  Just keep taking deep breaths.

Negative:  See that lady running?  She's in shape.  She's probably judging us... wondering why that fat woman is running.

Positive:  No, she doesn't care.  See?  She smiled and gave us the runner's nod. 

Negative:  This is so dumb.  We'll never get back in shape to run long distances again.

Positive:  We did it before.  So what if we have to start over?  We're never going to know what we can or can't do unless we try.

Negative:  We're running too slow.  We're going to have our worst pace yet.

Positive:  No, we're fine.  Hear that?  Runkeeper just gave us our stats for the mile, and we're doing great.

Negative:  Then let's walk the rest of the way...

Positive:  No!  We got this.  Less than a half mile to go.

Negative:  Great, and now we'll be sore and achy all day.

Positive:  Nope, we're going to stretch when we get home.  And we'll go for a walk later.

Negative:  No, we won't.  We'll just lay on the couch all day.

Positive:  So what if we do?  At least we will have done our training run for the day.  And look!  We're almost home.  Just another two blocks to go.

Negative:  Really?  So what?  We only went a 1.5 miles.

Positive:  Yes, we ran 1.5 miles, with just a very short walk break.  We couldn't have done that last week.  And see that?  We're done!  And we did it with a faster pace than we did during the week.  We got this!  Now, lets go stretch!

 

Shopping for clothes used to be fun...

I have a love-hate relationship with shopping for clothes.  When I was at my heaviest weight of 252 pounds, I didn't really shop.  I would pick out clothes that I thought might fit me, buy them, take them home, and if they fit, great.  If not, they went in a bag in my closet because I was too embarrassed to take them back to the store.  As I lost weight, I would buy clothes at thrift shops and on clearance because I knew I was just "passing through" that size and didn't want to spend a lot on clothes.

My taste in clothes changed as lost weight.  I went from beige, brown, neutral colors, to brighter colors.  I went from baggy clothes that hid my weight (or at least that was my attempt), to clothes that showed I really did have a figure. 

Somewhere along my weight loss journey, I actually began to enjoy shopping for clothes.  I even bought dresses and skirts... and high heel shoes.  Okay, high heel for me...not much of heel, but since I had no experience walking in them, I wasn't going to risk spending the day stumbling around!

I was able to go clothes shopping with my friends and not have to be in the "women's" section.  I could buy petite clothes.  Clothes in sizes I never dreamed I would be able to wear.

When I got to goal, I bought a bunch "forever" clothes.  These were clothes I would be able to wear until they wore out because I was not going to gain the weight back...ever.

Yeah... ummm... okay... so life happens.  I gained some weight back. 

Then one day I realized none of my jeans fit, not even my baggy, comfortable jeans.  So I was forced to buy new jeans.  I was not happy about it, but I did it.  Eventually even those jeans became too tight, but I am to the point I do not want to buy any new jeans.  And hopefully with being back on track, I won't have to.

This past weekend I decided I wanted to buy a dress or skirt to wear when Hubby and I go out for a nice dinner.  Nothing fancy.  Just something to make me feel attractive.  Something other than jeans.

I knew nothing in my closet would fit since the dresses and skirts are close to goal weight or goal weight clothes.  So I headed to the store to find something.  What I did not expect was to feel so disappointed.  In myself.  I know how many pounds I've gained, but I was shocked by what that meant in clothing sizes.  Finding something that looked decent on me because a desperate search for something, anything.  I finally found a dress in a size I never thought I would see again.  But, it does look nice on me, and I do feel pretty in it, so I'm trying to keep that in mind. 

All in all, it was not the fun experience it used to be. 

I was telling my friend Windy about the trip to the store and how it was so depressing because I have such beautiful clothes, just hanging in my closet.  Waiting for me to get my act together.

She suggested that I take out my favorite dress and hang it where I can see so it can be my motivation to get back to goal.  It's a great suggestion.  And I'm sure it works for a lot of people.  But I am not a lot of people (though I do thank you for the suggestion, Windy, I really do!).  Seeing the dress would not give me motivation.  Looking at my favorite dress, day after day, would just be a reminder to me of the bad choices and decisions I have made in the last couple of years.  It would taunt me day after day of how far I still have to go to fit into that dress.  For me, having the dress visible would actually be counter productive.  I need to focus on where I am at this moment, not on where I was or where I will be in year or two.

Pictures of me at goal are a nice reminder of what I can accomplish if I stick with the program and do the things I need to do on a daily basis.  So looking at those pictures from time to time is a good thing.  But having that picture staring back at me from the frig or hanging on my computer monitor?  Again, for me, it's also a taunt of what I have lost. 

I'm also not one of those people that can set weight goals by a certain date.  I have tried over the years to lose x amount of pounds by a certain date (my birthday, a vacation, whatever), only to get off track, feel like I failed, eat out of guilt for not reaching my goal, and going totally off plan.  After doing this more than once (hey, there's a reason it took me 6 years to lose 100 pounds!), I finally just made up my mind if I weigh less by a certain date (even it's just pound), is better than gaining.  So learned to celebrate any weight loss, no matter how small.  Even when I was on a roll and losing weight on a regular basis, I was only averaging .4 to .6 per week.  Some weeks I lost a lot, some weeks I gained, but over the course of two years, that was what I average per week.  I learned that I am a slow loser, but I do lose the weight eventually.

The one goal I can visualize and set "by a certain date" is regarding activity and exercise.  I learned that a necessity when you are training for a half marathon.  I needed to run certain distances by a certain dates so I would be in shape to finish the races I signed up for.

And I have set up new activity goals for myself.  I decided I want to run the Governor's Cup 10K on June 11.  A little less than 10 weeks away.  I had set up a fairly strict training plan so I will be in (somewhat) good shape for the race.  My only goal is to finish... and if I can finish it while running most of the distance, then that will be icing on the cake.  I will need to increase my distance a 1/2 mile a week between now and the race, but Hubby thinks I can do it.  And so do I.

I have gotten two runs in this week and will run again tomorrow.  I'm going slow, taking my time, running with short strides, and that is helping to keep the knee pain away.  Well, that and doing the ROMWOD stretches everyday. 

I feel like I am finally in the right place mentally to start running again and to get serious about it. 

And who knows... maybe the running will help me get back into the closet full of clothes waiting to be worn.

Weekly recap, new goals, and BDS: Day 5

I've now been back on track for two weeks.  I feel good, mentally and emotionally.  Wish I could say I feel good physically, but I'm still working on that.

I haven't lost a lot of weight in the two weeks, but enough to keep me motivated and focused on what I want to accomplish.

And my motivation has been good this week.  A recap of my goals and how I did this week:

1) Tracking: 7 out of 7 days

        This included tracking the Girl Scout cookies I ate (just one a day for two days), my dinner out with Hubby, and the German Chocolate Cake I had at a going away party for a co-worker.

2) Drink 64 oz of water: 6 out of 7 days

         And the one day I didn't make my goal?  I was off by 2 to 4 oz, so still good overall.

3) Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night: 4 out 7 days

        This is obviously something I still need to work on.  I did well early in the week, but then I started staying up a bit later at night.  Since I wake up between 5:15-5:45 on the weekends, regardless of when I go to bed, I will need to keep the same bedtime on Friday and Saturday to get the sleep I need.

4) Eat while sitting down: still need to work on this

       I caught myself numerous times during the week doing this.  I can't believe I ever thought this wasn't a problem for me.  Granted, I'm not eating whole meals standing up, but I do eat snacks while standing.  Including that cake I ate yesterday.  This still isn't habit for me.  More work is needed!

5) Do the ROMWOD stretches everyday:  6 out of 7 days

       I'm going to consider this one a success.  I didn't do it every day, but Hubby says missing one day isn't a big deal.  I missed yesterday but Hubby and I got up and did it first thing morning.

6) Walk as many steps as the previous week: Success!

      Okay, this one wasn't on my list from last week, but it was a goal for me.  I made sure that at the end of everyday I had at least my daily average (according to Fitbit) so I would get as many steps as last week.  Since I only need 400 more steps today to that, I'm pretty sure I will reach this goal.

Looking over my weekly goals, I would consider this week a success.  More importantly, focusing on these goals takes the focus away from the number on the scale. 

What's my plan for this week?  Well, I think I have the tracking and drinking my water under control, so although they will continue to be goals, I don't feel the need to write them down.  My goals for this week will be:

1 - Get 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night

2 - Do the ROMWOD at least 6 out of 7 days

3 - Walk as many steps as the previous week

4 - Run at least twice this week

5 - Eat while sitting down AND eat slowly and mindfully

Which brings me to the Beck Diet Solution (BDS) Day 5, which is to eat slowly and mindfully.  I think this goes hand-in-hand with the eating while sitting.  And I don't think I need to explain this one or why it's so important.  But it's definitely something I need work on.  I still eat while staring at the computer, the TV or my phone (or... even a combination of those!).  I have to concept of what I'm eating, I'm not savoring the food, and my brain doesn't register I'm eating... so I think I'm hungry when I'm not.  I am going to make that priority this week.  Of course, I'm not off to a good start consider I ate a banana while typing this...  Oh well, there's always breakfast to work on goal 5. 

I know I don't have a lot of readers to this blog (I often joke about my "tens of readers"), but that's not really what matters to me.  Using this forum, I can share my journey for those who might need a little motivation or inspiration... or just to know they are not alone.  But more importantly, for me, it's a place to be accountable.  To admit my failures, share my struggles, and occasionally my successes.  So I thank those who take the time to read this.  It means a lot to me.

Now, I'm off for a short morning run.  My first in several weeks.  I'll let you know how it goes!

My favorite Thursday morning hangout

Still continuing to do well, which makes me happy.  I feel much more in control around food and more relaxed, too. 

I enjoyed trying to eat Paleo, doing the 21 Sugar Detox, and the Whole 30.  It gave me a much better understanding about what I eat and how my body reacts to certain foods.  It was a very good experience and I'm glad I took the time to experiment with different ways of eating.  I'm just sorry that none of those really clicked with me.  I would have loved to have a life free from tracking what I eat... but I am not one of the people.  My emotional attachment to food makes it hard for me to have a carefree type approach to food.  Plus, I have never learned to stop eating when I'm to the point of satisfaction.  I would still eat every meal like Thanksgiving dinner, if given the chance.

Tracking is what works for me.  I was thinking today that a lot of my ups and downs while experimenting was probably some underlying guilt.  When I was unable to continue with any of the programs on my own (past the 21 or 30 day period), I felt like I had failed, then I would eat to make myself feel better, then feel bad because I didn't follow the plan, then eat more.  And then I would feel guilty for overeating and for not following the plan.  It became this vicious cycle I was doomed to repeat until I finally told myself enough is enough.  I lost over 100 pounds by tracking, there is nothing wrong with tracking or having to track the rest of my life.  It's who I am.  Why was I constantly fighting it?  Would I like to be a person who doesn't need to track?  Yes.  Will I ever be that type of person?  Possibly... but probably not. 

In it's own way, the last two weeks of tracking on MyFitnessPal has actually been very freeing.  I don't feel guilty if I have a Girl Scout cookie, as long as I tracked it (and as long as it was one cookie and not four or five!), I was able to enjoy the cookie and move on with my day.  I didn't feel like I had failed "the plan" or felt guilty for having it.

Today I returned to my regular Thursday morning Weight Watcher meeting.  This was after much soul searching and deciding what I needed to do in order to get back on track and get back to goal.  I don't follow the Weight Watcher's Points plan, but I do get a lot out of the meetings, especially when they discuss changing behaviors involving food. 

Over the last year, I experimented in regards to the WW meetings as well.  I tried going on Saturday mornings, first because of my busy work schedule and then later because I was doing CrossFit.  Then they offered the WW At Work meetings in the conference room adjacent to my office.  Convenient, yes, but just did not have the same feel as the meetings.  I went for awhile, but started missing meetings and when my mom went into the hospital, I stopped going altogether. 

This past week, I've been taking a close look at what has worked for me in the past and I decided that not only did I miss WW, but I really missed the Thursday morning group.  I took advantage of the special that WW was offering (50% off the normal price) and signed up for  three months.  I went back to my first Thursday morning meeting in about year.  I'm so happy I did.

A lot of the people that I have known for years were still there, along with some that I hadn't seen in a while because they had quit and then come back.  Everyone seemed genuinely happy to see me, which made me feel truly happy.  Maybe going back to the meetings will also help me with finding some of that inner contentment I'm looking for as well.

Since I went to the meeting this morning and then Hubby and I went out for dinner tonight (we go out to dinner once a week, usually on Thursdays), we still need to do the ROMWOD for today.  Will be doing that once I'm done with post.  I got my water in and got enough steps to maintain my weekly average, so things are still going well.

I'm thinking of attempting another run this weekend.  I haven't ran since before the craft retreat (about three weeks), but now that the weather is improving and things finally seems to be coming together with my eating and such, it may be time to get back to running.  I want to see if the stretching and eating well makes a difference in the knee pain.  Keeping my fingers crossed it goes well. 

All in all... even though the scale hasn't moved the last few days, I'm feeling good.  Confident.  In control.  And yes, even content.  And some moments, happy.

Gratitude, thinking positive, and furiously happy

I am still doing well at meeting my goals this week.  Okay, I didn't stretch this morning but Hubby and I elected to lay in bed with the cats this morning and will do the stretching tonight.

My weight has been up and down the last couple of days but I'm working on my "not obsessing about the number on the scale."  I think I'm doing pretty good with that, just using the number to keep my ultimate goal in mind. 

I'm still working on trying to find some inner happiness (or just inner contentment).  I've been much closer to finding that since getting back on track with my eating.  Eating the right foods (less processed carbs) makes me less emotional, making it easier for me to find the positive in a little things.  I still have a long way to go with that.  I am not a positive person by nature.  More the opposite.  More negative and pessimistic.  But I'm working on changing that.  Well... it's on the list of things I would love to change about myself...  ;-)

I have found a little trick that has helped me several times this past week.  Something I read or heard about writing down three things you are grateful before you go to bed.  To help focus on the positive so you are going to bed with a happier thoughts.  I have changed that bit, to use that in moments of negativity.

An example will be at work.  We shuffled around are cubes in our small office, moved some people out and other people in.  I am blessed to work with some wonderful, positive, encouraging people.  But like everyone, I have that one co-worker that grates on my nerves like finger nails on a chalkboard.  I was fine working with her... when her office was located across the building from me, but sitting right next her is, for me, a nightmare.  She is a person who is naturally LOUD.  She has no concept of "indoor voice" and "cube voice" would be totally lost on her.  And her cube is right next to mine.  Just a cube partition wall between us.  She loves to talk... to anyone... to herself... to the squirrels she feeds out the window.  And when she's not talking, she is sighing as though working in an office is tiring and demeaning. 

All that being said, I am not the most quiet person either.  I love to talk.  But I know enough to keep my voice down in the office and I know that others are working around me so I can't spend the whole day talking.  I try to be courteous of my co-workers (notice I say try, I'm sure I have some habits that annoy the hell out of my co-workers). 

After a particularly trying morning with this co-worker talking loud, continually repeating herself and ending each sentence (literally!) with the phrase, "know what I mean?" I was at my wits end.  Luckily, I headed out for a walk with my friends and was venting about this co-worker.  Suddenly, I stopped.  I realized I was being totally negative and it was effecting my day.  So I took a deep breathe and blurted out, "three things I'm grateful for at this moment... that I have a job, a very understanding supervisor, and you guys to walk with." I turned to Vicki, "your turn, quick... three things your grateful for." 

By doing that, I was able to change my mood and those of us walking in one breath.  And it was amazingly easy.  Since then, I have done that countless times throughout the week.  If I'm feeling annoyed, angry, or even sick, I just think of three things I'm grateful for at that moment.  There are things I'm always grateful for... a wonderful husband, a family that loves me, a house to live in, etc.  But finding three things in the moment is a bit harder, stops the negative thoughts, and forces me to find the positive in that moment.

My co-worker, known around the office as Mr. Happy, calls it "counting your blessings."  I call it "my moment of gratitude."

It's just one little way I can turn my mood around. 

Another way of turning my mood around is reading a good book.  And I stumbled on a good one.  While browsing the books at our local Target, a book with a smiling raccoon on the cover caught my eye.  I picked it up and read the title, "Furiously Happy" by Jenny Lawson.  After reading the dust jacket, I knew I wanted to read this book.  So I snapped a picture of the cover with phone and when I got home, I bought it, and downloaded the book onto my tablet.  This has to be one of the funniest books I've read in a long time (if ever).  I found myself laughing out aloud and at one point I was laughing so hard that I had trouble continuing to read.  Now, I know I have a quirky, weird, bizarre sense of humor (get that from my Dad), so it may just be me.  But I absolutely loved this book. 

The author courageously admits to the world that she suffers from severe depression, anxiety disorder, and countless other disorders and phobias.  Most of the book is about her way of dealing with mundane daily tasks and her weird sense of humor, giving us insight as to how her mind works.  One of the last chapter in the book she does get serious about her depression and talks about how she feels when she's in depression, how just getting through the day, fighting off her negative thoughts is all she can do.  She was feeling like she was failing because she accomplished nothing during the day.  When she posted about this on her blog, she got countless comments that she was not alone.  Nearly everyone posted they often felt the same way.  I know that I have days where just getting up, going to the office, and coming home is way more than I could handle.  And I will admit, there have been days, that I didn't even go into the office because facing people was just too much. Those days were prior to starting Weight Watchers and starting on my weight loss journey.  This journey has helped me cope with more than just my weight.  It changed the way I thought about myself and my life. 

Which may be why I'm searching for contentment in my life.  And the skills to better handles that ups and downs that life throws at me.  I guess, what I really want, is to be a better person than I was yesterday.  Not only physically, but spiritually as well.

The domino effect and BDS: Day 4

I have now been back on track for 7 days (nearly 8 since it's 6 in the evening now...) and I feel pretty good.  Especially considering how I've felt the last 3 or 4 months. 

Talking with Hubby this morning, I can't remember the last time I've gone a whole week on program.  I think the last time I followed any program for more than a week is when I started the Whole 30 back in September.

Which makes me realize just how much I need to track what I eat.  And I've been eating well this week.  I did splurge on Thursday because Hubby and I were celebrating the fact I finally got a "performance based" raise at work, my first one in 15 years.  That's not to say I haven't any raises in that time, because I did.  But those were longevity raises, market value increases, and state mandated raises.  It felt great to know that my team supervisor and section supervisor both fought hard to get me this raise and appreciate all the work I have done in the last 15 months.  So a celebration was in order!  Hubby and I went to our favorite restaurant where I made an okay choice for dinner, had one drink, then we went to a local natural grocery store and got a wonderful take home dessert.  I tracked everything and didn't feel the least bit guilty about what I ate.

Even though I had been weighing daily to stay accountable, I decided to not weigh on Friday because I knew I would be up because of dinner and dessert.  Instead, I waited until today.  I was still up, but I know that could be a combination of things (and mainly because I didn't drink enough water yesterday).

There was a bit of a domino effect with getting back on track... other things seem to fall into place as well.  This past week I focused on tracking my food intake, drinking my water, and getting enough sleep.  I did well with all that, which lead to me feeling less emotional this week, and lead to an increase in steps.

My Fitbit is linked to my MyFitnessPal account, so the more I move, the more calories I burn and that, for me, means more calories I can use for food.  I've always been a person who needs to eat my activity calories in order to lose weight, plus, being able to eat more is always a good thing!  Since I could now see throughout the day how many calories I was burning... or not burning... it got me to moving more.  A lot more than the previous week.  The week before I got back on track, I walked just over 29,000 steps for the whole week.  Yep, an average of less than 5,000 steps a day.  But this week?  I walked over 59,000 steps!  Okay, no where near what I was walking two years ago, but a big improvement over the last couple of months. 

I have a series of goals I want to focus on this week.  I want to continue with my three main goals of tracking my healthy food choices on MyFitnessPal, drinking 64 oz of water a day, and getting at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night.  In addition to those, the two other goals I'm working on this week is to do the ROMWOD stretching everyday and to not eat while standing up.

I mentioned in the previous blog that the Beck Diet Solution (BDS) Day 3 focus was to eat while sitting down and that I didn't have a problem with that.  Well... apparently I do have an issue with that and didn't even realize it.  I've caught myself twice today eating while standing up.  The first time was this morning before Hubby and I did the ROMWOD, while he was getting the yoga mats out and bringing the workout up on the TV, I stood watching him, eating a banana.  As I put the last bite in my mouth in dawned on me what I had done.  Then just a little bit ago, I did it again.  Hubby had made Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Doughnuts (from the 21 Day Sugar Detox recipe book) and I took a bite or two while I was talking to him... while I was standing up.  At least in that case, I caught myself and I forced myself to sit down to finish it.   So obviously I need to work on that a bit more. 

Day 4 of BDS is "Give Yourself Credit."  This step is help with negative thoughts that cause you to go off program.  This is an easy concept but hard to follow through.  It's easy to berate myself for giving in to temptation, but I need to learn to give myself credit for still tracking the food or credit for getting right back on program.  This morning when I realized I had downed the banana while standing up, I started to berate myself but then gave myself credit for recognizing what I had done.  I didn't walk or move as much today as I would have liked, but I am giving myself credit for getting enough steps to double the amount that I did last week (okay, Hubby helped me get the steps today by parking a bit farther from the stores when we ran errands this morning).

And a big thing that I have not been giving myself credit for is my overall weight loss.  I realized the other day, that I knew exactly how much weight I need to lose again in order to get to my goal weight, but I couldn't tell you how much I had lost overall.  I lost sight of the fact that even though I have gained quite a bit of weight back, I had kept over 70 pounds off.  How many people can say that?  And despite my weight gain, I haven't given up.  I am still a work in process.

I am working through the BDS slowly this time around.  In the book there are 42 Days of various things to focus on to keep you on your diet.  Instead of working one each day, I'm trying to focus on those steps I need to work.  Such as sitting down to eat.  Once I've felt I have that under control, I'll move onto the next one.  Before, I always felt the need to do the book as written, one day at time.  But one day is not enough to make something a habit.

I'm in no rush.  Like anyone who is trying to lose weight, I would like the weight to go away overnight, but I know that's not going to happen.  I am slowest loser there is... it took me 6 years to lose a hundred pounds, so I can't expect to get back to my goal weight in a few months.  I'm back to taking this one day at time. 

So, this week my focus and goals are:

1 - Eat as clean as possible and track my food intake on MyFitnessPal

2 - Drink 64 oz of water per day

3 - Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep a night

4 - Eat while sitting down

5 - Do the ROMWOD stretches everyday

In one week... and BDS: Day 3

I've said it many times when talking with others about weight loss and when I have spoken at Weight Watcher meetings... don't let one bad meal spoil the week.  Or even a bad day.  Like a lot people, I always figured if I went off program for a day then I had blown it for the week.  So I would continue to eat off program with the mindset I would get back on program after the next weigh in.  I did that for years.  I struggled for years. 

Then it hit me... there are three meals a day, 7 days a week.  That's 21 meals.  How is one meal or even a half of a day going to spoil my whole week?  Once I got that through my thick skull, I found it easier to get back on track after a meal (or day) of eating off plan.

This week is a perfect example of that.  When I weighed in last Thursday on our awesome Fitbit Aria scale (I can say it's awesome this week... ask me again next week how I feel about it!  LOL), and weighed in at 181.3.  Last Thursday was an awful day for me, emotionally and mentally, and I ate.... and continued to eat through Friday night.  (See Saturday's post for my turn around moment)

Saturday, I got up, and got back to tracking and drinking my water.  I did awesome the rest of the week, including increasing my steps during the day by making sure I got out for my walks. 

Getting back on track, paid off.  I was down a total a 3.2 pounds for the week, despite having two days totally off program.

Definitely gives me incentive to continue for another week.

And to help me along I'm still working my way through the Beck Diet Solution (BDS).  I am on Day 3, which is "Eat Sitting Down."  As I said yesterday my issue isn't sitting, it's where I'm sitting and what I'm doing while I'm sitting.  I took time this morning to reread today's topic and it gave me a bit more to think about.  It's not necessarily talking about eating your meals standing up, but more the little things we eat while standing that we are not aware of.  Like eating part of the meal standing up while the rest is cooking, then when you sit down to eat, it looks like you're not eating much and then you feel deprived.  Or those free samples they hand out at the large stores (Costco definitely comes to mind) that we think are so small they can't possibly count. 

I thought I was doing good at sitting down to eat, but I think of all the times I've eaten snacks or treats (especially at the office) while standing up, it has become a bad habit for me.  I need to make myself more aware of those moments and either not eat or wait until I can sit down and focus before eating. 

And maybe putting my phone... tablet... computer... aside to focus on why I'm eating might help too.

A great, wonderful, awesome day and BDS: Day 2

Have you ever had one of those days that everything just seems to go your way?  A day when all the little frustrations are gone, you get a few things done that have been bothering/frustrating you, and even though its cold and overcast, you can image the sun shining and blue skies?  

That was my day.  

Hubby and I have been trying to book a vacation at the Disneyland Resort using our Disney Vacation Club points (think timeshare), but every time I try to book the days we want, there haven't been any rooms available.  This morning I tried yet again and, yes, the days we wanted were available!  I was dancing around the house I was so happy.  It was just one of those little things that had been frustrating me lately.  After I was done dancing (and annoying Hubby with my dancing and singing... at 6 in the morning), I stepped on the scale.  Weighing myself has become a daily ritual for me.  Not in an obsessive way, but in a good way.  It's my way of keeping tabs on myself.  To make sure that I am staying on track.  That I'm still focused on losing weight and not giving up on myself.  

Since I have lost weight the last three days, I was pretty sure I would stay the same, or even have a slight gain.  Nope.  Down another pound!  Woo Hoo!

I spent the rest of the morning singing and doing my happy dance, and still managed to make it to work on time.  

Work didn't even seem as dreadful as it usually does.  I just dove into the stuff I needed to get done, working on things as they came in.  A very productive day.  I got out for my ten o'clock (had to go alone since my walking buddies bailed on me) and I went for a walk at noon with Sibyl... and ran into my former Weight Watcher leader and friend, Barb.  I hadn't seen her in a long time so it was nice to see her and we hope to go for a walk together soon.

So... today was a good day.  I know that not every day can be this good, so I treasured every moment.  

As I mentioned in my blog post of two days ago, I am working my way through the Beck Diet Solution to help eliminate some of my bad habits and to stick with tracking and eating clean.

Day 1 was to write out reasons why I want to the lose weight as reminder during the challenging times.

Day 2 is pick out two reasonable diet plans.  Why two?  To have a back up plan in case the first choice doesn't work out.  I actually love this idea.  How many diets have you started only to figure out a week or two in that the diet just isn't for you?  So what do you do?  What we all do... drop the program and go back to the way we were eating before.  The idea is to have a diet plan that will work for you and your lifestyle, but if for some reason it doesn't work, then have another plan you would be willing to do.

For me, my plan is just what I'm doing now.  Eating clean and tracking on MyFitnessPal.  In case that doesn't work, then my backup diet plan is to go back to Weight Watchers and follow the Simply Filling Technique (or whatever they are calling it this year).

The BDS book also goes into explain the different types of healthy diets, such as a set eating plan (which provides a detailed list of the meals and snacks) or a counting system (which allows you to eat what you want within a certain number of calories, carbs, etc).  

I'm definitely more of a counting system type person.  I like having choices and a bit of free range for treats on occasion (it's the "on occasion" part that I need to work on!).

The book explains the guidelines for a doable diet, which is common sense stuff (but things to keep in mind while picking a diet), like making sure it's a healthy diet and not a fad or rapid weight loss diet, make sure the diet includes foods you like, foods that are easy to prepare, etc.  

Since I've been down this road before, I have a very good idea what diets work for me and what doesn't.  Weight Watchers worked for me.  It helped me to have a better understanding of what I was eating and the support from the meetings were awesome.  I tried a ton of diets, weight loss programs, etc before committing to WW, but I was never able to do any of them for more than a couple of weeks. I had issues when I got to my goal weight because for maintaining weight loss, WW didn't work for me.  Counting calories worked... for awhile.  Then I started having weird fluctuations in my weight I couldn't explain.  Eating clean and counting calories took out the fluctuations and was able to maintain my weight.  

It wasn't until I decided to experiment with other variations of eating clean that I ran into issues.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I experimented, that I tried new things.  I have learned so much by eating Paleo, doing the Practical Paleo 30 day weight loss plan, the 21 Day Sugar Detox, and the Whole 30.  I lost weight doing all of those.  Th problem was learning how to continue eating on those programs.  For whatever reason, it just didn't work for me.  I think if I would have done those programs, and then gone right back to tracking my food intake (even if not counting calories, just to see what I was eating), then I probably would have been successful.   

What I learned in the last two years?  That I have to track my food intake.  I will never be one of the people that can eat healthy and stop eating when I'm satisfied.  I'm just not wired that way.  That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or that I've failed in anyway.  It means that through trial and error, I know what works for me and what doesn't.

Huh... I seem to have rambled on more than I planned...  That's what happens when I'm in a good mood, I get talkative!  (If you think this bad... poor Sibyl had to listen to me blather on for 40 minutes while we walked today.  Thank you, Sibyl! LOL)

Tomorrow, Day 3 of the BDS is one that I still have issues with... "Eat Sitting Down."  Which for me, means sitting at the table without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, etc).  I'm notorious for eating in front of a screen of some kind.  So guess what I will be working on from here on out?