Where has she been?

This past week has been awesome for me.  I've felt empowered, felt valued at work, and reconnected with old friends.  I faltered a bit a last night, but feeling better this morning (not enough sleep leads to overeating for me...).

Last week, when I was going through my scrapbook albums trying to figure out where I left off, I looked at quite a few layouts from the various races that Hubby and I ran in 2014.  I could see the look of determination on my face, the look of accomplishment, and in a few, a look of happiness.  The Runner in me woke up.

As I moved through the week, the Runner kept me motivated.  When I was walking, I could hear her voice reminding me of various races and training runs I had done.  Her voice encouraged me to get out in the brisk wind and walk.  She reminded me to take it slow, nurse my aching knee, and to stretch.  Although the Runner is as impatient as I am, she told me to take it easy, focus on walking for now, work on losing some weight, and we will be running before I know it.

Yesterday, Windy wasn't able to walk with me, so I had to get out on my own.  During the walk, I listened to the encouraging voice of the Runner to keep me moving despite some (okay, a lot) of aches in my knee and ankles.

About half way through the walk, I couldn't help but wonder... where the hell has this voice been for the last 3 1/2 years?  Why did she leave me?  Where did she go?  And why did she come back?  

And more importantly, why have I been listening to the negative voice in my head? 

I think what got me on this train of thought is a mediation audio I have listened to several times this past week.  I have an app on my phone called Relax Melodies that I use when I have trouble getting to sleep.  There are various meditations you can listen to along with the soothing sounds.  There is one meditation called "Stop self-criticism."  In the audio, the narrator talks about picturing the negative voice as an alternate version of yourself or as animal.  I pictured this negative voice in my head as young child.  Why?  Because when I start on a eating binge, I justify it as a spoiled child would... "I want this," "I deserve this," "this will make me feel better," etc.  And when the rational part of my mind (the Runner) would try to step in and point out why I shouldn't be binge eating, the negative child would throw a tantrum.  The Runner, feeling tired, rundown, and overwhelmed due to stress in my life, would give in.  And as it happens with any spoiled child, once that behavior has been reinforced, the child knows exactly what to say and do to get her way.  In other words, the Runner gave up and let the child run things.  

In the mediation the narrator talks about accepting the negative part of yourself, comforting it, but letting that part of yourself know that it isn't in charge (I'm totally paraphrasing, but you get the drift...).  

Through this mediation, I could visual the Runner sitting down with the spoiled child and explaining that it is time for her to grow up.  In three and a half years, the spoiled child had undone what took nearly 7 years to accomplish.  The Runner wants to be in charge again.  

I love the Runner.  She is me.  The me I want to be.  The me I strive to be again.  The me that felt awesome, that felt confident, happy, and inspired.  The me that was happy whenever I finished a race, even if I came in last.  Because I knew that finishing the race meant I was ahead of those that didn't even try.

The Runner is more than something I used to do, she was and is the culmination of years of hard work, of finding myself, and discovering things I never thought I could possibly do.  

I pray the Runner is truly back with me.  I need her.  And maybe between us, we can keep the spoiled child in check.

Empowered!

Scrapbook table, set up and ready to start scrapbooking! 

This has been a good week for me.  And like I said in the previous post, I'm not sure what clicked with me, but this is the best I've felt (mentally) in a long time.  

Yesterday morning as I was walking into work, I was trying to put a finger on what I was feeling and the word empowered popped in my head.  Yes, I feel empowered.  I feel like I can lose the weight (again!), I don't have to let work stress me out, I can get my walk(s) in during the day, I can find balance between work, my online business, and the other things I would like to do.  I can enjoy my life.

Right now, my biggest fear is this feeling will go away, but I'm not letting that fear stop me from enjoying the moment.

Yesterday was a good day.  I finally got out and walked at lunch time (thank you Windy!) and plan to get back in the routine of doing that.  As long as the weather cooperates... this has been a long winter in Montana and sometimes spring time isn't much better.  

Another factor adding to my good day yesterday was a revelation that my stressful job, that I have been bitching and complaining about it, and hating for the last 9 months, isn't that bad anymore.  In fact, I actually have a good job and apparently the upper management I resented and complained about for months, is on my side.  

In November, I told both HR and my bureau chief that I was very unhappy with my job and my workload, and would most likely be looking for another job within the next 6 to 12 months (once Hubby was settled in his new job).  When questioned about why I was unhappy I gave two major examples, one was where I was sitting in the office and the other was the billing portion of my workload.  Working on the billing was taking up so much time it was causing me to work up to 10 hours a day and most weekends.  I was given permission to move across the room, eliminating one of the stresses.  I had been sitting next to a co-worker who works best by talking out loud, but I need quiet to focus.  The co-worker talked so much that by the end of the day I would be in tears of frustration because I couldn't focus or get anything done.  The co-worked didn't do it intentionally, it's just in this person's way of working.  Once I moved, there was a great weight lifted, I was able to focus more, and was able to get through the day without tears.  It would be 3 months before I was able to get help with the billing, but once I did get the help, my weekend trips to the office became in minimal.  

Several months ago I requested a laptop or tablet that I could use during meetings (I have a LOT of meetings) so I could take more organized notes to follow up with customers.  Right now I jot down notes in a notebook.  Yep, totally old school way of taking notes.  Problem is, with all the meetings, I forget which page I took the notes on, and what I was supposed to follow up on.  I wasn't sure my request was heard, but yesterday I got a call from the desktop support group saying that my new laptop was in and I would be getting it on Friday.  Wow.  

Then, last week after putting in a 10 hour day at my desk, my shoulder and back were killing me, so I asked if I could get a sit/stand station.  Yesterday, I had the ergonomic assessment and will be getting the station in the next 2 to 4 weeks.

It was then I realized that I do work with people who care, who have seen my frustrations, and feel I'm valuable enough to the organization to grant my requests.  Almost made me regret my months of bitching and complaining... almost...  

And on the home front, things are going well too.  I got my scrapbook table all set up and have actually gotten a couple of layouts completed.  I'm apparently out of the scrapping groove, because creating the layouts took much longer than it should have, but it felt good to do it.  

I have decided to make Wednesday my weigh in day.  I picked this date for several reasons.  For one, Hubby and I go out to dinner on Wednesday nights, so weighing in the morning just made sense.  Plus, I'm trying to get my weight back under 150 by my 50th birthday, which will be on Wednesday in 2019.  I realize that losing 64 pounds in 76 weeks may be a bit unrealistic for me, and I have never made a timed weight goal before, but it's something I would like to do. 

One other decision I'm on the verge of making (haven't quite talked myself into it yet), is to sign up for the Governor's Cup 5K in June.  I won't be able to run it at this weight (knee hurts bad enough just walking), but having something to workout for might inspire me to get back into an exercise routine.  It will also give me a baseline for future races, since I am basically starting over at square one with my walking and running.  

So, before I start the "poor me" pity party, I am going focus on the positive:

• Walked with Windy yesterday and got over 10,000 steps
• Realized my job isn't that bad and I am not nearly as stressed by it as I have been
• Got my scrap table all set up and getting back in the groove of scrapbooking
• Lost 3.3 pounds in 6 days!

See?  Life can be great, I just need to look for the greatness in each moment! 

After the retreat...

My third post in a month... a new record!

I don't want to spend a lot of time on this post, it's more of check in type post.

Since being home from the retreat, I have had more energy and more motivation then I have had in a long time.  Not sure if that was because of the time away from work, time spent with friends, the long talk with Sibyl (thank you for giving up some of your valuable scrapbook time to talk with me!), or the fact I managed to lose a pound over the weekend (no easy feat, since there were snacks and alcohol available to me all weekend).  

Maybe it was a combination of those things...

I am in the process of de-cluttering my scrapbook room, because over the weekend I came to realize how much I miss scrapbooking.  And since I let work and the Lego business take over my life, I am now 4 years behind on pictures.  Just the act of cleaning up the room has given me a positive mental boost.  For the last year it has become a dumping ground for anything and everything   Without me even asking, Hubby moved his stuff out of the room.  I was just going to move his stuff aside, but he seemed to sense I needed my space back.

I'm just hoping this mental shift will stick with me for more than a few days.  I am tired of gaining weight, complaining, and being the Negative Nellie of the group. I want to have energy, lose some weight, and not be so moody.  So far this week, I'm doing just that.  

Today at work, I made a point of getting up and walking every hour when my FitBit reminded me.  I also sent an IM to Windy to see if she wanted to get back into our walking routine, which she was happy to do.  I marked the time on my Outlook calendar so I wouldn't forget... and hopefully people won't schedule meetings when I want to walk!  

Working on "no excuses" to get me back into life.  Focusing on my health and well being.  Less stress and tears, and more smiles and productivity at home.  

Which reminds me, I need to work on processing an order for my Lego business and then I'm going back in the house to finish cleaning my scrapbook room.  With any luck, I can start scrapbooking this week! 

Finding confidence

The Lego London Bus

I've started this post several times.  I do want to write, but I can't seem to focus my thoughts.  That could be because it's 6:24 in the morning and I've only had about 5 1/2 hours sleep.  It could be because my emotions the last couple of days have been all over the place.  Lots of laughing and reminiscing, with my thoughts going to "better" times when I was at healthy weight and had more confidence in myself.

I'm trying very hard to keep this post lighthearted and fun, keeping out the negativity, so we'll see how I do...

This weekend I am at the annual craft retreat (formerly known as the scrapbook retreat) at a local resort.  Most of my friends are scrapping, but I of course brought my Lego sets to work on (hey, between work and the Lego business, my personal sets are piling up).  It's been a lot of fun hanging out with these women.  They are all fun, loving, caring, kind spirits.  We truly enjoy one another's company.  I am enjoying myself... 

... but I almost didn't come this year.  Why?  Because I'm am ashamed of the weight I have gained back. I know my friends don't care.  They love me for who I am, not what I weigh, but am totally embarrassed by my weight gain.  I hate the way I look, the way feel, and the fact I had to buy another (bigger, wider) swimsuit so I could hang out in the hot tub with my friends.  

Mikey, my constant shadow and comfort kitty

I stepped on the scale before I left for this weekend and was up another 2 pounds.  But that easily could have been the ham I had at lunch the day before and the dinner out with hubby.  Once I saw the number on the scale I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my cat, Mikey, and not leave the house for the five days.  

You would think the weight gain would stop me from eating, but no... I see the weight gain, get depressed, eat for comfort, and gain more weight.  (Yes, I know, I know... I've talked about this vicious cycle again and again... which is becoming another cycle for me).

When I was at my heaviest, I let the weight stop me from living and I can feel that happening again.  I don't want to be like that. I want to enjoy the times with my friends, I want to be able to keep up my active husband, and I want to have the confidence to do things regardless of what I weigh or what I look like.  Having the confidence to do those other things, will inevitably give me the confidence to lose the weight.  Give me the confidence to walk, run, and hike.  Will give me the confidence to live my life.  

It took confidence to buy a new swimsuit.  It took confidence to get off the couch (sorry, Mikey!).  And it took confidence to come to the retreat this weekend.  I can only hope this is a step in the right direction.

To focus on the positive this weekend (and there were lots of moments, how could there not be with these women), here are things that made me feel good about myself:

• Came to the retreat 
• Did well with my eating for about 24 hours (in other words, I didn't go overboard on the treats and alcohol)
• Got up and walked when my FitBit reminded me to move (The FitBit also thinks my building with Lego is me moving around... so I've gotten more steps than I deserve... which I suppose could be considered a positive! LOL)
• Put on the swimsuit and walked to the hot tub
• Writing this blog instead of fretting and worrying about the things that may not have been the best choice for me

A pretty good layout - done without me
bringing any scrapooking supplies to the retreat!

Okay, I reread this post and have to the conclusion it's not my most enjoyable post, but not overly negative either.  But on 5 1/2 hours of sleep, this is the best you are getting.  

I'm now off to enjoy another day of Lego building, a little scrapbooking, soaking in the hot tub, and laughing with these crazy women.  In other words, I'm off to enjoy my life! 

Lego, Lego, Lego... and my day job

Our Lego shop - where we run our business,
Montana Used Bricks

I know, I know... it's been a very long time since I posted anything on my blog.  I have all kinds of excuses why I haven't written, but let's just move on, shall we?  

So, what have I been up to in the last 7 months?  Work and Lego.  That's pretty much it.  

When I was in the shower this morning (where I do my best... and worst... thinking), it hit me.  My priorities are all screwed up.  And have been for three years now.  And because my priorities have been screwed up, I have gained a staggering 90 pounds back.  

What have my priorities been?  Work, my expanding Lego business, family and friends, and myself last.  By putting myself at the bottom of the priority list, it has caused all issues.  If I would put myself first (not in the egotistical, it's-all-about-me way, but the my-health-and-happiness way), then I would have more time and energy for my other priorities.  

Wow... only took me three years to figure that out...  

I thought of all kinds of ways I could turn things around, but I have had numerous "plans" in the past year and none of them have lasted more than a few days.  I know what I need to do, but the motivation, energy, will power, whatever you want to call it, just isn't there.  

sorted inventory - waiting to be sold!

I could do this or that, but then something comes up at work, or I get slammed with orders for Lego parts, or something comes up with my family and I quickly resort back to eating for comfort and not getting any exercise.  In other words, I used life as my excuse to not live to the fullest.  How stupid is that?  

And please, don't think I'm all depressed and upset about where I am (okay, there are days like that but this isn't one of them...), today I'm just reflecting and accepting.  I need to accept this is where I am in my life today, but it doesn't mean it's where I need to be (or will be) tomorrow... or even an hour from now.  

Yes, there a million thoughts racing through my head this morning and I'm trying weed through them and discard the negative thoughts and focus on the positive.  Negative leads to eating, when leads to being lethargic, which leads to weight gain. Positive thoughts lead to action.  

Lego parts waiting to be sorted and put into inventory

So, positive thoughts for the day:

My day job.  This will be a surprise to my friends and co-workers, but as many times as I utter "I hate this job" at work, I really do like it more than I hate it.  My role and responsibilities at work has greatly changed over the last year, to the point my current job looks nothing like it did before.  But, as much as I hate to admit it, all the change has pushed me outside my comfort zone and shown me what I'm capable of doing.  I do enjoy many aspects of my job and the leadership responsibilities that have been thrown on me at various times in the last year.  I could learn to love my job, if I wouldn't let it run my life.  I have been working 45 to 50 hours a week, putting in 8 1/2 to 10 hour days and working working weekends.  And I struggle with trying to do the job perfectly... it's never going to happen so I need to accept that I can only do so much, ask for help, and let some things go.  And most importantly, I need to take my breaks, get outside and MOVE.

A sampling of my Lego collection

My Lego business.  I love, love, love my Lego business.  If I could work the business full time and make enough to pay my bills, I would do it in a heartbeat!  I never dreamed I would run my own business.  In fact, after watching my parents struggle with several business ventures, I swore I would never do that.  But here's the thing, on-line business are totally different than retail stores.  I can work at my own pace, make my own hours, and I can complain about "customers" and they never know!  It's been awesome experience to have this business and I hope to continue it for years to come.  The downside to this business is the time it takes to run it.  I pride myself for the fast turn around on our orders, but that takes time and energy to do.  I work on this business 2 to 5 hours a day during the week, and 5 to 12 hours a day on weekends and holidays.  That doesn't leave a lot time for other activities.  I have learned I need help with the business and my hubby is on board and spends nearly as much time as I do working with me.  I have also had my mom and youngest niece to help get parts into inventory.  But with any growing business, the more you grow, the more time required to keep it growing.  I need to figure out more balance with the business.  Limit the amount of time I spend on it, and put time aside to focus on other things... like my health.

Okay, as much as I would like to ramble on and give you more positive thoughts for the day, I need to wrap this up so I can get to my day job.  My goal for today it to get out for one 10 minute walk.  I know, that doesn't sound like much, but more me that will be a vast improvement!