Don't get me wrong, being able to stay in touch through email, text, IM, and Facebook is great. I use these formats all the time to stay in touch with friends and family. I have a friend in California and a friend that lives less than 10 miles away, that I email everyday. I chat with friends daily via IM. I get pictures and updates on my grand-kids through text. Being able to do all this electronically is great... awesome... and makes keeping up with friends and family just a click away.
However, as great as all that is, it's very easy for things to be misunderstood through these electronic formats. We can't see the person. We can't see if they are happy, sad, angry, or depressed. We can't hear the inflections in their tone when they speak to us to figure out their mood.
This past week the downfalls of keeping in touch electronically caused a friend to become concerned about me. And as much as I've tried to convince her I'm fine, I'm not sure she believes it yet. Why? Because we haven't seen each other in over a month. All our communication has been electronically. She can't see that I'm happy with my life. She can't hear my voice to know that nothing more is going on in my life than I have made some changes and made some choices to not partake in some activities.
I was supposed to do a half marathon in October with a friend, but after spending several days of intense walking at Walt Disney World, I realized that I probably shouldn't do it. I know I could complete it walking instead of running (I did that two years ago at the Salt Lake City Half Marathon), but I also know how sore I would be after I got done. I explained this to my friend and she understood. She hadn't done much running over the summer, plus that was a busy weekend for her, so we mutually agreed the race wasn't going to happen.
I missed the monthly scrapbook crop last weekend because it was the first weekend back after our week long vacation and I still had stuff I wanted to get done around the house. Besides, I haven't done much scrapboooking since the spring retreat since my Lego passion has taken over my life (passion, obsession, addiction... whatever). And even if I had made the commitment to go, which I hadn't, I wouldn't have gone anyway. The day of the crop I had a migraine so just standing upright was work.
Monday, I realized that Crossfit was just not my thing and after talking with Hubby, I decided I would take a break and try to find an activity that I would do instead.
By not doing these things, it drew concern from a friend that I was pulling away from people and it appeared something was going on in my life. That remark really threw me for a loop. I certainly didn't feel as though anything was wrong in my life. I didn't feel like I was pulling away from people. I had reasons for not doing those things.
The statement left me baffled so I asked my walking buddies if I seemed depressed or if I seemed to be pulling away from people. They laughed and said no... especially since I'm the one who instigates the walk and I tend to monopolize the conversation.
It was speaking with another friend that made me see where the issue may be. As I explained what my friend had said and explained why my friend might think that way, she nodded and said she understood why my friend might think that. If someone told her that I stopped doing the things she knew I loved doing, she would be concerned as well... But... she sees me everyday, she knows that I'm not depressed or acting any differently. I just had other things going on in my life.
Then it hit me why my friend was concerned for me. She hasn't seen me or talked with me (real time, not email or text or IM) in over a month. She couldn't see (or hear in my voice) that I am fine. Even though I had reasons for the things I did (or didn't do), she was concerned. She was seeing it as excuses to pull away from people. She wasn't able to see me, to realize the choices I made were for valid reasons and not excuses.
The fix for this misunderstanding? I've invited her to come and take a walk with me. I'm sure once we talk and get caught up on our lives, she'll see I'm fine. I'm happy.
This isn't the first time I've had problems due to a misunderstanding via electronic communications and I doubt it will be the last. After all, it's what we do now. But maybe we should spend a bit more time with people and a little less with our electronics. Yes, this coming from the lady typing the blog post... :-)
It's been over a year since I started this blog and my goal was to blog at least once a week. That didn't happen. But I did write over 80 posts, so my average was more than once a week, so I'm counting that as reaching my goal.
I dove into restarting my blog but I didn't mention weight loss, which is the reason for this blog to begin with. You may be wondering where I am on my weight loss journey. I am at the same place I was in May. According to our wonderful Aria scale, I am exactly the same weight.
That makes it appear as though I maintained for 5 months. That's not the case. It's been a constant up and down for 5 months, staying within the same 6 to 10 pound range. Some weeks I struggled, some I didn't care, some I gained weight, some I lost weight. There has been no consistency in what I did (or didn't do), so yes, ending at the same weight I started is a good thing.
Through the years, I've tried to look at my setbacks (and notice I say "setback" not "failure") as learning experiences. What have a learned over the last five months? A lot, yet nothing new. I've been on this weight loss journey for over 11 years and I'm still learning. Unfortunately I'm a slow learner that needs to repeat setbacks before I figure out what does or doesn't work for me.
Over the last five months, I've come to realize that I am totally burnt out on counting calories and tracking my food. Yes, it does help. I do better when I track. But after years of faithfully counting, logging and analyzing my calories in/calories out, I just got sick of doing it. Also, it is very hard to figure out how much you should be eating when you are doing an intense activity two to four times a week and then doing nothing more than walking the rest of the time. Makes it hard to know what to eat, how much, and when. Figuring that out takes a lot of time and patience, and I am not a patient person.
I've also come to realize I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I still turn to food the minute I need some type of emotional release. I'm more likely to turn to food when I'm stressed, upset, or frustrated, but just as likely to overeat when I'm happy or celebrating.
The one thing I did learn over these last few months is to listen to my body. I need to listen and hear what my body is telling me. And there is a lot being said. My body tells me when I'm truly hungry. I shouldn't be eating because of my emotions, because I'm bored, or because there food in front of me. My body tells me when I am in pain and when something is just an ache. It's up to me and only me to determine which it is. If it's pain, then stop whatever is causing the pain. If it's an ache, then cut back, stretch, and/or massage until the ache goes away. And most importantly, I need to listen to my body when I'm feeling stressed or anxious. Then figure out why I feel that way and come up with a solution.
So, back to "where am I on this weight loss journey?" (Sorry, I seem to be rambling in this post, I blame the early hour and not enough caffeine.)
I'm trying something new. Last year Hubby and I did the 21 Day Sugar Detox. This fall we are doing the Whole 30. It's very similar to the 21DSD. Just a few minor difference and the only major difference I can see is the Whole 30 discourages snacking, they suggest eating more at meals if you are hungry. No snacking is very hard for me. I am a constant snacker... and usually not the healthiest foods. We've been doing the Whole 30 for 7 days now and I've done fairly well. I have had a few snacks here and there throughout the week, but nothing like I was before. If I do snack, I have veggies, a piece of fruit or a hard boiled egg. I haven't had any cravings, which I find surprising considering the month (okay months) before this, there was several major carb and/or sugar binges.
I've also gotten through some major challenges in the last week that would normally send me flying to cupboard or vending machine. The day Hubby and I started this, I had a migraine. One of the worst I've had in months. Usually I would comfort eat to deal with the pain, but instead I tried all my usual tricks to get rid of a migraine (several of them I did several times throughout the day) and distracted myself by keeping busy since sleeping wasn't happening. I was also tempted with some of my favorite foods throughout the week. I said no to movie theater popcorn, a DQ ice cream bar, Dove Dark Chocolate, and doughnuts. I'm still amazed at how easy it was to say no. Usually there is a long, internal struggle that goes on when I am tempted with foods I like. I've also gotten through several stressful, emotional days without comfort eating and made it through a long, stressful Friday at work.
My first week on the Whole 30 has been a huge success.
Like the 21DSD, they explain that you may not lose weight. Neither program is designed as a weight loss program. The 21DSD is to help overcome the sugar and carb cravings/addictions and the Whole 30 is designed to help you discover your problem foods by restricting certain foods for 30 days then slowly re-introducing foods back into your diet to see which ones affect you. That being said, I have lost weight since starting the Whole 30.
I hadn't been to WW in two weeks because I was on vacation and then the migraine last week kept me from the meeting, but I went last night. Just to clarify, I don't usually go to the night WW meeting, but they had canceled the normal Saturday morning meeting this week and rescheduled it for Friday evening. I didn't find this out until yesterday afternoon. After I had drank a ton of water all day, eaten all my regular meals and a few of my snacks, and I was wearing heavier clothes than I would normally wear to a weigh in. I was sure after being gone for two weeks, a week of which I was on vacation and indulged quite a bit, that I would be up when I stepped on the scale. Nope. I was down. Nearly two pounds. Yea me!
I don't think I will see a lot of big losses while doing the Whole 30, because I didn't lose any weight doing the 21DSD, but I am anxious to see how certain food affect me. I am thinking processed grains are a problem area for me and it will be interesting to see how I react after 30 days of not having them.
That's where I am at on this ongoing weight loss journey. I am currently 30 pounds heavier than I want to be, not happy with my appearance, and trying to find a new activity to keep me moving. But despite all that, I'm also the most content I've been in months. Why? Because I know I can get this weight off. I've done it before, I can do it again. And will do it again and again if need be.
This past week I came to the realization that crossfit is not my thing. Yes, I know, just a couple of months ago, I blogged how it was. So what happened? I figure out it was a rebound thing.
Let's say you have been in this long term relationship with a guy that changed your life. You had 5 or 6 good years together. They weren't always easy years. At times it was a love/hate relationship, but this guy made you feel good, empowered, and made you realize you could do nearly anything you put your mind to. Then one day, he has to go away. He might be back, but chances are, if does come back things won't be
the same. So you grieve. You're friends see you grieving and they want to make it better.
So they introduce you to this great guy they know. They love this guy and think you will too. You meet the guy and though you have your doubts, you see this guy has a lot of wonderful qualities. Very different from you old boyfriend, but a great guy none the less. He does make you feel good and at times, empowered. So you dive into a relationship with him. You spend several months getting to know him and find a lot of good things about him. But you also realize you are not "clicking" with him. You are working way to hard to make the relationship work. Yes, he has made you feel good about yourself, shown you how strong you are, what you could be with work and effort... yet... there's just something missing. Then one day you realize you are dreading seeing him, that things just aren't the same as they were when you first met. As nice, kind, and wonderful as this guy is, he's just not the guy for you. It's time to move on.
That's me and crossfit.
I liked running. I can't say I loved it, but it gave me this feeling of accomplishment that I had never felt before in my life. I like the way my body felt after a run. Alive. The aches, the pains, the complaining about it... all of thatI could endure because the positive feelings I got from running outweighed the negative feelings. There was an underlying enjoyment in all that which kept me going.
Then I started to have knee pain to the point I couldn't run. Running was no longer an option. That activity was gone.
Then I started crossfit, and I like it. It was new, different. A great opportunity to see what I could do and how strong I could become. But over the last month or so, the newness has worn off... it became something I did, but there was no feeling of accomplishment when I got done with a workout. Just relief it was over. Then I began to be an underlying stress and anxiety in my life as I worried about the next class, if I could get through it, how much modifying would I have to do, how much knee pain would I have if I did a movement wrong, etc.
This past week I realized I was doing crossfit for the wrong reasons. I felt if I didn't go then I would let the coaches down, who spent a lot of time working with me and helping me modify the workouts. I went because I liked the other members and the feeling of community. I went because Hubby goes, it gave us something in common, and something to talk about. I went because Hubby was paying for it and I wanted him to get his money's worth. I went because I needed to be doing something if I wasn't running.
But the problem was, I wasn't going for me. I was going for everyone and everything else. I dreaded the workouts. I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment or fulfillment. I looked for excuses not to go. I came to the realization that crossfit is not for me. Once I made the decision to move on, there was a burden lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying. I felt less stressed and anxious. That feeling confirmed that I was making the right choice by walking away.
Crossfit is great. Don't get me wrong. It pushes you on a personal level, it makes you stronger, there is a wonderful community of coaches and members. But like anything in life, there is no "one size fits all." So just because crossfit isn't right for me, it is right for a lot of people. And just because it isn't the right thing for me at this moment in my life, doesn't mean I won't go back. I know all the wonderful benefits of crossfit, so I may return at some point. When I do go back, it will be for the right reason... I will be there for me.
So I'm back to looking for my thing. Running is still out, but I can still walk and hike. I can still do workouts at home, at my own pace. I will still continue to be active, I just won't be working out as intensely as I had been.
As with any relationship that ends, life still goes on.
