One week

Me, hiking to the Coolidge Ghost Town Mine
in the Pioneer Scenic Mountains

Summer is by far the busiest time of year of for me.  Besides working full time, fostering 1 to 5 kittens at a time, my Hubby and I try to spend as much time outdoors as possible.  I love this time of year!  

A week and a half ago, Hubby and I went camping in the Pioneer Scenic Mountains for four days.  We had a wonderful time relaxing, taking walks, and hiking.  I slept great, had energy, and started to feel like I did several years ago.  The trip was refreshing and renewed my faith in myself.

When we got home, I did something I should have done months ago... I packed away all the clothes that no longer fit me.  I had been hanging on to them, hoping against hope, that I would wake up one morning at my healthy weight.  That is not going to happen.  I have gained over 45 pounds, so most of the clothes are not going to fit until I lose the weight again.  Which could take years.  

Some people would say by keeping the clothes is incentive, a reminder of what to work toward, a way to stay positive that I will get the weight off.  And that may work for some people.  I am not one of those people.  By having all those clothes that didn't fit, it was a reminder to me of how badly I was off track. Having the clothes taunted me everyday, sending me into that dark place of feeling bad about myself, frustrated, annoyed, and self-loathing.  Which would set me up (mentally) for a bad day.  Picking out a shirt or a pair of pants that I thought would fit, but didn't, would cause me to break into tears.  

Those clothes had to go.

And so, I packed up two storage containers full of clothes that once fit, that I had felt proud to wear.  It was a hard thing to do.  I became more emotional than I would have imagined.  When all the clothes were in the containers, lids secured, and ready for storage, I laid on the floor and cried.  

Then, I got up, and moved on with my life.

I got back on track Sunday, by tracking my food on MyFitness Pal, I made sure I got my 10,000 steps that day, did the stretching, drank my 64 oz of water, and got to bed on time.  I did that same thing again on Monday... and Tuesday... and Wednesday... and before I knew it, I had been back on track for 7 days.  I can't remember the last time I stayed totally on plan for a week.  I feel good, physically, mentally and emotionally.  I was even able to say no doughnuts - multiple times! - this week.  

This week I have gained some confidence in myself.  I am capable of being on track, of doing what needs to be done to make myself into the healthy, energetic person I want to be.  Part of me is scared that at any moment I could totally sabotage myself and go back to the old habits that caused me to gain the 50 pounds back, but I'm trying to focus on today.  Focus on this moment. 

I was successful yesterday, so there's no reason why I can't be successful today.  

I'm focusing on simple goals:

• Track my food intake.  I hate tracking.  I did for years and years.  Let's face it, I was most successful when I tracked.  I might hate it, but it works.  It's time consuming, restrictive, and boring.  But it gets me to where I want to be. 
• Walk 10,000 steps a day.  Since I'm not running, working out, or doing CrossFit, I need some sort of activity during the day.  Walking is the best form of exercise for me right now because I can do it anywhere and it's easy.
• Drink at least 64 oz of water a day.  Water keeps me hydrated, helps with cravings, and is just good for me. 
• Get at least 7 3/4 hours of sleep.  Over time, I realized this is the optimal sleep time for me.  When I get this amount of sleep, I have more energy, I'm more alert, and I don't fall into the habit of "eating to stay awake."  Also, to sleep well, I cut out "screens" 20 minutes prior to bed.  No TV, phone, computer, or tablet.  Okay, I do read a book on my tablet, but I have the screen set so it's not bright, dulled like a book.  I read for 10 to 20 minutes before I turn out the light and I sleep well.
• Stretch.  If I want to be able to walk (hike, run, workout) I need to stretch once a day.  It keeps the knee pain away.  Hubby and I still do the ROMWOD (www.romwod.com) every every evening.  We've fallen into a comfortable habit this week... dinner, a walk so we make our step goals, stretch, then relax.  

That's it.  I do those five things everyday and I will have a successful day.  Eating healthy just falls into place when I'm focused on those, because I don't want to blow a good day with some food that will make me go off plan.  That's not to say I don't have any indulgences during the week.  In fact, I save the treat for after dinner.  If I have the calories left, I will have a Schwan's fudge stick or something similar.  Giving me that little bit of sugar and sweetness.  I do much better having it at the end of the day and then I do starting the day with sugar.  

What's on the agenda today?  Continuing to focus on those five simple goals.  Will I be able to keep this up for any length of time?  I honestly don't know.  I just know that I have done it for seven days, so I'm going to try for eight.  

Doing better

I feel like I've done better this week mentally, if nothing else.  Was up again when I stepped on the scale this morning, but trying not to let that derail me.  I still ate more than I planned this week, so "no" to tempting foods a few times, and gave in a couple of times.  It's all about progress not perfection.

I'm still not happy where I am right now and I have a feeling until I come to peace with what I look like at this moment, I won't be able to move forward.  I need to find a way to forgive myself for gaining the weight back and accept that it happened and move on.  Until then, I'm going to be stuck... mentally and physically.

I can be really hard on myself.  I always have encouraging words for others, can talk them through the rough patches of their weight loss, yet I can't seem to use those same words on myself.  I need to learn to be own my best friend if I'm going to get back on track.

At least I'm getting back to blogging.  That does help.  I've always loved to write and writing my feelings helps me work through whatever is bothering me.  So blogging this week has helped keep me a bit more on track.  Well, more on track than I have been in the last couple of months.

I usually link the blog post to my Facebook and Twitter accounts, but I haven't done that with these last few entries.  And why haven't I?  I guess on some level, I'm embarrassed and ashamed by how much weight I've put on.  I try not to let my friends know how much it bothers me.  How frustrated, annoyed, and angry at myself I am.  I want to put on a happy face for them... I don't want to be the "Negative Nellie" that people avoid.  

So... for now, I'm just writing these blog entries for me.  Me and the couple of people that have stumbled across them.  

I wish I had more time to write today.  More time delve into what is bothering me and causing me to sabotage my own weight loss efforts.  But life is busy.  Work, fostering kittens, and summer activities keep me busy most days.  This morning, it's the foster kittens.  Two of our foster kittens are going to the vet to be neutered and since Hubby can't run to the vet today, it's up to me.  Which means I get to work late, need to leave a little early, and still get my work done and get my butt out for a walk or two.  

Speaking of walking, I did manage to get my step goal twice this week.  I'm happy about that!  Hoping next week will be even better since my friend Windy is back from vacation and should be able to start walking again.  

Okay, off to get my day started.  Goals for today... walk, no doughnuts, and plenty of water.  Plan on weighing in tomorrow, so I need to stay focused today! 

Yesterday was a better day

Yesterday was a much better day for me.  Both mentally and emotionally.  Maybe it was because I blogged first thing in the morning or maybe I was just ready for a good day.

I was able to avoid processed foods throughout the day.  No easy feat since a co-worker offered me a doughnut in the morning and I'm surrounded by guys who love to snack throughout the day... and are very generous with their treats.  

Getting my walks in helped a lot.  Not only to get me to my 10K step goal (ended the day with nearly 13K - yea me!), but also to relieve some of the stress that my job seems to create throughout the day.  The walks kept me energized so I was able to be more productive at work and at home.  

I tend to become a couch potato when I get home from work so the fact I got a few little chores done is amazing.  Even took a short walk with Hubby after dinner (okay, confession time, I downloaded Pokemon Go to see what all the fuss was about... not sure if I was doing something wrong or what, but nothing really happened other than a short walk with Hubby... think I'll stick with Zombies, Run and Geocaching for outdoor apps on my phone).  I also did the daily ROMWOD (stretching), something I haven't done in a week.

Overall, just a good day.  Maybe it was the start of getting back on track (god, how many times have I said that in the last three years?!?) or maybe it was just a fluke.  I'm going to keep those good feelings I had yesterday to get me through another good day.  

I thought about getting up and running this morning.  Thinking about it was as far as I got.  I haven't run in weeks.  I did a 7 mile run the end of June, then nothing since then.  I really need to do some short runs during the week so I will be able to complete the Endurance Run (the 14 mile hike I mentioned yesterday) in a few weeks.  My training partner and I have been going out and doing parts of the trail on Sundays.  We've done a 9 mile loop several times and had planned on doing the 12 mile loop last Sunday but rain (with the possibility of lightening) kept us out of the mountains.  The plan is the to the 12 mile loop at least twice before the race.  If we (okay, if I) can do that part in under 6 hours, then there's hope that I will be able to finish the entire race in under 7 hours.  

I have to say, training on the hills/mountains is actually going pretty well.  It's a tough course.  There's a section that is five miles of mainly uphill climb and I've done that part twice now.  I whined and wheezed my way through it the first time, but the second time was much easier with little to no whining from me.  The frustrating part is knowing that doing these hikes would be much easier if I wasn't carrying around an extra 50 pounds.

Oh, on that note... I'm down nearly five pounds from yesterday.  How is that possible, you ask?  Well, I weighed in my jammies this morning and not my going-to-work clothes like I did yesterday, so that was probably 2 or 3 pounds of it.  Plus I drank a lot of water yesterday... over 90 oz!  I drank water whenever I had the urge to snack.  Guessing the water helped clear out my system... and the trips to the bathroom added to my step count!  :-)

Maybe today will be another good day and I will be able to salvage this week for a decent weigh in at Weight Watchers tomorrow.  Hey, it could happen...

I am one of "those" people

Usually before I start typing a blog entry, I have clear idea what I want to write about.  Not today.  I haven't a clue where to start.  

It's been months since I last wrote anything.  I thought about it in May when Sibyl pointed out it had been over a month since my last entry.  I considered blogging then, but had nothing to say.

I thought about in June when I completed the 10K.  I thought about it in the last month as I begin training for the 14 mile trail run (or in my case, 14 mile slow, hope-I-don't-die hike).  

Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last three months.  And a lot of eating.  A LOT of eating.

As of this morning, I am up 56.8 pounds from my lowest point.  

I have become one of "those" people.  One of "those" people that have lost over 100 pounds, but gained some or all of the weight back. 

I never understood how some one could put all the time, energy, and yes, even money, to lose weight and then gain it back.  

Now I get it.

I'm sure a lot of people think it's because "those" people are lazy.  "Those" people have no will power. 

Honestly, that may be part of it.  I do feel lazy most days.  I feel like all my drive, motivation, energy, and will power have taken a permanent vacation.  But it is so much more than that.  It's all the emotions tied to food.  It's years of eating to avoid dealing with emotions.  It's all the bad habits surrounding food sneaking (or in some cases, rushing) back into my life.  It's being sick and tired of counting calories, eating the "right" foods, making sure to get enough activity during the day, and tracking each little bite.  It's being stuck in the vicious cycle of overeating, feeling guilty about overeating, then eating because I feel bad, gaining weight, eating more.  It's about not feeling worthy enough to be at a healthy weight.  It's all that and so much more.

So now I get it.  I get why "those" people gain the weight back.  I am one of "those" people.

In the last couple of years I have used every excuse in the book as to why I have gained the weight back.  I have excuses.  Tons of them.  But when it comes down to it, I have no idea why I keep gaining weight.  I don't want to.  I really don't.  I get up every morning and think, "today is the day I get back on track.  Today is the day that I start losing weight."  Then I think about how long it took me to lose the weight the first time, I look at how much I have to lose, and I get depressed.  And because I still, after all these years, cannot deal with emotions without food, I eat.  I gain more weight.  I get more depressed.  I eat more.  

And then one day I wake up, and I am 56 pounds heavier.  

I'm not a stupid person.  I know what I need to do to get the weight off.  I have the knowledge and experience to get the weight off and to keep it off.  I have the tools to help through the process.  I have the love and support of my Hubby and friends for this journey.

I am not getting any younger.  I want to head into my "Golden Years" a healthier person than I am today.  I want to be able to enjoy my retirement.  I want the energy to enjoy my grandsons and nieces, be able to keep up with Hubby, wear all those clothes in my closet that no longer fit, and be able to walk, hike, and run without feeling all the extra weight I'm carrying around.  

I want all that yet, but everyday I sabotage myself, getting myself farther and farther away from those things.  

I so badly want to say that today will be different.  That today will be the day I get back on track, but I'm not sure I believe it.  I've had too many days of disappointment in myself.  I have lost the confidence to lose the weight.  The want and desire are there, but negativity seems to be greater than the positives.  

And so I end this blog the same way I started it, with the confusion of not knowing... all my thoughts rambling around in my head and still no direction.  Still not sure of where or how to start over.  Or even if I have it in me to do so...