Stubborn or Stupid

This past week, I've been walking a thin line between being stubborn and being stupid.

The pain that I had last Friday intensified on Monday and Tuesday.  Despite the pain in my right knee and my left hip, I continued on like nothing was wrong.  I did crossfit Monday morning, then during the warmup at crossfit on Tuesday morning, I had a sharp pain shoot through my hip, to the point I was unable to do some of the warm up exercises.  The workout caused me more pain.  That's when the line between stubborn and stupid became blurred and I continued with the workout despite the pain.  Or, more likely, I was just being stupid to continue, ignoring what my body was trying to tell me.

I paid for it later.  I have a desk job.  I sit for a majority of my day.  And Tuesday, anytime I got up out of my chair, I felt like crying from the pain in my hip.  I did get out for my walks since walking and standing eased the pain quite a bit.  I finally took some ibuprofen in the afternoon and that helped a bit.  When I got home, I laid down with an ice pack on my hip and that helped a lot.  

I went to the evening endurance class even thought I knew I couldn't run, even if I wanted to.  I did the skills and drills, then stretched while Hubby and Juli (the only other two in the class that evening) ran ten 200 meter sprints.  

I was feeling frustrated.  I had been doing so great, making such strides in the workouts, and now I felt like a slacker, a whiner and worse, a quitter.  I could barely do anything because of the pain either in my knee or my hip... or both.  And the crazy part was, I didn't want to stop.  I wanted to keep moving.  I was terrified if I stopped, then I would fall into a depression and start overeating again.

After I was done stretching I went out and sat with Geoff, one of the owners of the crossfit gym, while he watched and filmed Hubby and Juli doing the 200 meter sprints.  He asked what was going on, where I was having the pain, etc.  I explained that I was trying to push through the pain because I didn't want to stop coming to crossfit or working out.  I was finally starting to see some progress in the workouts and I was learning a lot.  He told me that I could still come to the workouts, but to listen to my body.  Do the skills I could and scale on the workouts when it causes me pain, or if I couldn't do the workout I could you that time to stretch.  And take a break from running. 

Talking to him helped my attitude.  Up to that point, I wondering if I would have to give up crossfit.  Especially since I seemed to be in worse shape then when I started.  Yet, despite the new aches and pains, I am feeling stronger and more confident.  

As everyone has been telling me, I am doing so much more than I ever had before.  I was never athletic as a child, teenager, or young adult.  And while I was losing weight, the most I had done was walk, hike and run.  With doing crossfit, I am doing things and using muscles I have never done or used before.  I had jumped into the classes and the workouts quickly and because of a new found stubbornness, I was ignoring the signals my body had been sending me.  

Wednesday I didn't do anything but walk and mobility stretches.  On Thursday morning at crossfit, I did as much as I could of the warm up, took it easy on the skill portion of the class, and for the workout, I did five 400 meter rows instead of running.  I was little sore, but not bad.  I walked throughout the day and went to the endurance class in the evening.  I did as much of the skills and drills as I could, but when it came to doing a cadence run around the gym, I was only able to do a lap or two before my hip hurt so bad I couldn't run anymore.  Krista, the endurance coach,  suggested that I use the foam roller while they finished up the drills.  I was feeling frustrated once again, but her suggestion was right on the mark.  I used the roller and was able to do the workout.  Granted, I rowed three sets of 800 meters instead of run, but it was still a good workout.  

Friday I stuck with stretching and walking.  I used the foam roller in the morning and at night.  I did air squats throughout the day (anytime I used the restroom at work and there wasn't anyone else in there, I would do a set of 10 air squats... and with all the water I've been drinking, it was a lot of sets! LOL).  

And today?  A huge difference in my pain level.  On a pain scale of one to ten, I'm at a two today, while the rest of the week, I was at a 5 or higher.

Tomorrow, I will be walking that fine line between stubborn and stupid again, and I'm hoping that I will take the time to listen to my body.  I'm going for a 7 to 10 mile hike in the morning, over part of the endurance race trails.  I need to do this so I can judge whether or not it's even feasible to do the race at this point.  If I end up in pain, then I will back out of doing the 23K Elkhorn Endurance Race, which will allow someone who is on the waiting list to participate.  I hate to give up my slot, but I need to quit being stupid and listen to my body.  Like Krista told me, if I think scaling back on the workouts are frustrating, getting injured and not being able to do anything for several weeks sucks.  

Despite all the frustrations and pain from this week, there has been some good.  Great, actually.  I may finally have found the key to my overeating and giving into my junk food cravings.   I have been tracking again on myfitnesspal and decided to upgrade to their "premium" service which allows me set various calories goals on different days.  So I upped my calorie goal on days I do crossfit and kept it a bit lower for days I don't.  I also avoided grains and processed sugar this week, while working on getting my 64 oz of water.  It worked!  I lost the weight I had gained after my cinnamon roll and bread binge.  And felt more in control with and around food.  Which was a big accomplishment considering I didn't do any comfort eating due to the pain. 

Now the trick will be to continue that for another week...

My Goal Chart

To help me out, since I'm a visual person, is to make a "goal chart."  Looks almost like a chore chart you would do for your kids.  I even give myself a little sticker star for the days I complete all four of my goals (mobility/stretching, step goal, track my food intake, and drink 64 oz of water).  It works for me and having it on the fridge is a good reminder to do those things and at the same time just seeing it is a reminder to not graze or snack.

This week has definitely been a struggle for me, but I'm glad I persevered.  I'm also glad that the crossfit is such a supportive community.  It really helped me to see the fine line between stubborn and stupid... now it's up to me to learn the difference!

Emotional (and physical) pain of gaining weight

Yes, it's been several weeks since I last posted anything.  Summer's are always busy for me and this year is no exception.  Not only am I busy with work (which thankfully has a slowed a bit so I'm only working 8 hour days again), but with the foster kittens (have adopted out over a half dozen already) and crossfit.

Crossfit seems to be taking over my life at the moment.  I try to go three mornings a week, to mobility on Monday evenings, and now they have started a endurance class which Hubby and I attend on Tuesday and Thursdays.  Throw in my regular walks and trying to get two or three runs in a week and I feel like all I do is workout.

And all was going good until this past week.  Then the knee pain came back, with a vengeance.   Most likely the pain is from over use and not enough stretching and mobility, but it hit me hard this week.  

Over use... which started last Sunday with a 9.5 to 10 mile hike (with a 2200+ gain in elevation), then crossfit on Monday and Tuesday, endurance class Tuesday night (with 200 meter sprints), and then I attempted to run on Wednesday morning but was only able to walk and barely ran at all.  I was exhausted.  Since I had some work that had to be done before the long weekend, I skipped crossfit on Thursday morning with the plan to go on Friday at noon.  Thursday is when the soreness in my knee increased to the point I was in pain.  I still did the endurance class, but I wasn't able to do the running portion at a speed I would have liked.  By Friday morning, my knee hurt just walking around the house, so I decided to go for a walk instead of going to crossfit.  

Even the walk was painful.  I did about five minutes or so and headed home.  My right knee hurt, the top of left foot hurt, and my hips weren't far behind on the list of complaints.  I was exhausted, in pain, and felt like crap, both physically and emotionally.  

On top of the aches and soreness the past couple of weeks, I have also been steadily gaining weight.  

I have found myself caught in the vicious cycle of gaining weight, feeling bad about gaining weight, eating to comfort myself because of the weight gain, then gaining even more weight.  A cycle I have been stuck in for months (with a few days or even a week of eating well).  It's getting more and more out of control, leading a five pound gain in just over a week's time.  

I don't like the way I feel emotionally.  I feel out of control, unhappy, and at times, depressed.  I don't like the way I feel physically.  I know a lot of the aches, pains, and soreness is from trying to do crossfit with this extra weight.  I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life.  But I'm not in good enough shape to pushing myself as hard as I do.  

I love the feeling accomplishment when I complete a crossfit workout.  I love that I prove to myself every time I walk into that gym that I can do.  But I don't like the fact that I feel so crappy later in the day.  I'm sure part of my overeating is also to comfort myself from the physical pain as well.  

Why?  Why am doing this myself?  Who knows... I need to quit asking myself why and figure out how I can change this.  So that's what I'm trying to focus on.  Going back and doing the things that work.  And hope that eventually things will click and I will get back on track.  My worst fear is that will gain all the weight back.  I do NOT want to go back to being 252 pounds and unable to do the simplest of activities.

I've done fairly well since Friday.  I'm back to tracking on myfitnesspal (I did fairly well for most of the month of June, just missed a few days here and there).  I have been doing my stretches every evening.  I am making sure I drink at least 64 oz of water during the day.  I'm also cutting back on grains and sugars again.  Hubby and I think that part of my knee pain on Friday may have been caused by the foods I ate on Wednesday and Thursday.  I went overboard with grains and sugars...

I've gained a lot of weight since my surgery in February.  I'm not sure of the reasons for that, other than I let all my old, bad habits back into my life.  And I'm finding they are even harder to break than the first time around. 

These last few months have been a struggle and major detour on my weight loss journey.  I am not anywhere I want to be, yet I have found some new, exciting adventures.  I've started crossfit, I'm more knowledgeable about how to deal with the knee pain and what I need to do about it, and I've discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought.

So, as always I'm conflicted with the pain and humiliation of gaining so much weight back, but I feel good about the progress I've made at crossfit in the last couple of months.  I'm sad, yet happy.  I'm exhausted, yet exhilarated.  I've gained some weight, yet I've become stronger, more confident.

A lot of rambling in this post tonight, but no clear direction... and I apologize for that.  This is how I have been feeling lately.  My weight loss journey will never end.  I will always struggle with finding the right balance of food and exercise.  I will always fight to keep the weight off.  It's a fight worth fighting.