Dealing with stress... without eating

This week has been very stressful for me.  As I have mentioned numerous times before, I blame a lot of my weight gain over the last three years on work stress.  We had a major re-org back in 2015 which changed and added to my job responsibilities, last year we started a major project which affected my whole work group and which again, changed my job responsibilities.  In October of last year, my supervisor (and my friend and confidant) decided to take early retirement, mainly due to the stress of the project we were working on.  This meant that my co-worker and I shared the "acting section supervisor" duties until a new supervisor was hired in January.

Our new supervisor was a godsend!  He had lots of project management background, so he was able to tweak a few things here and there to get us on a better path with our project.  He offloaded a lot of the work that was causing me major stress (and what was keeping at the office for 8 1/2 to 10 hour days and weekends).  Because I had more time (more or less), I was able to attend a Effective Leadership series which helped me understand my role in my work group, and helped my attitude tremendously.  

And because work was less time consuming and stressful, I finally felt ready to focus on me for a change.  I started tracking my food, got back to Weight Watchers, and started adding activity into my day.  

Life is great!

Then on Tuesday I find out that our awesome new supervisor is leaving to move back east (he actually announced this last Thursday, but I was out of the office for a long Memorial weekend).  It was heartbreaking and stressful at the same time.  All the insecurities, stress, and feelings I had 5 months ago came flooding back.  

I wanted to eat for comfort.  

Instead, once I heard the news, I left my cubicle and headed out for a much needed walk.  I walked, did some deep breathing, reminded myself how far I'd come in the last six weeks.  Once I had my feelings under control, I went back to my office.

The next couple of days were stressful, but I got through them without eating.  Wednesday morning, I went for a run and did 2.5 miles at a 15:35 pace.  When I weighed in yesterday at Weight Watchers, I was down another .6, for a total of 8.4 pounds in 6 weeks.  

Yesterday was also my supervisor's last day.  I struggled all day to not eat for comfort (and not break down in tears), so I took a few short walks throughout the day, took a long walk with Hubby at lunch, and made it through.  I did splurge on our dinner out and had a Mike's Hard Lemonade with dinner, but other than that, no overeating.  Yea me!

This morning I woke up at 4:20 with a headache.  I attributed the headache to stress, so I got out of bed, sat on the couch and did a guided meditation to relieve stress.  Didn't help.  Still had the headache.  So, I watched some funny clips on YouTube.  Still, the headache lingered.  Then I did the 45 minute Warrior Workout on ROMWOD (45 minutes of stretching).  And the headache persisted.  Pretty sure the headache is from stress, but because it continued (and still continues), it may be part allergies as well.  But through it all, I did not eat to make myself feel better.

I know the next couple of months will be stressful since we are still working on the major project at work and we are without a supervisor once again, but I hope to make it through without turning to food for comfort.  

Stress will always be part of my life and I need to learn to deal with it, without turning to food for comfort.  I will keep focusing on my health, deal with what is in my control at work, and remember my goals for the future (running a half marathon before I turn 50!).

I can do this!  

My three goals

I'm still here... as in I'm still tracking (33+ days on MyFitnessPal), still attending Weight Watchers every week, and still doing some sort activity daily.  I'm feeling good for the most part (lots of soreness, aches and pains from being active), less emotional at work and at home, and I'm more productive at home.  So it's all good!

My activity is increasing, slower than I would like, but it is improving.  I can now jog 2.25 miles with minimal walk breaks, I go for at least a 15 minute walk every day, and I stretch for 12 to 18 minutes nearly every day.


I have had to change my activity plans quite a bit over the last couple weeks, so that it was a more realistic plan.  One that pushes me, but takes in to consideration that I am not quite as fit as I would like to be.  Let's face it, I weigh 208.4 pounds, which means there are things I can't do or shouldn't be doing at this weight.  I have spent a lot of time listening to my body and figuring out what I can and can't do, how hard I should push myself and when I need to back off and give myself a rest.


My original plan was to run three days a week.  I quickly came to realize that was unrealistic.  My body can handle two days a week.  If I run three days, I'm extremely sore and slow to the point of being discouraged.  My plan now is to run two days a week and use that third day for DVD or an extra long ROMWOD stretch.  That has worked well the last couple of weeks. 


And when I go for a run, I have three goals I strive for:

1. To get outside.  I know this sounds over simplistic for a running goal, but for me, just getting my running clothes on and getting outside is biggest hurdle I have.  I figure if I can talk myself into getting dressed and stepping outside, then I will do some sort of activity.  Whether it be walk for five minutes or run for thirty minutes.  Just getting out the door is the first goal.
2. To complete the distance scheduled.  Right now, my focus is to complete the Governor's Cup 5K with my nieces, so it's important to me to increase my distance by a quarter mile each week so I will be up to 3 miles by the week of the race.  Most likely I will be walking the 5K (nieces aren't into running), but I still want to be able to complete the distance with them.  And if I can run a 5K, then I can walk a 5K. 
3. To complete the distance scheduled with a 16 minute mile or less.  This is the most difficult of the three goals, because it requires me to push myself, yet listen to my body in case I need to slow down. 

Most times when I go out, I complete all three goals.  But there have been days, I have only completed the first two goals.  I don't beat myself (or I try not to) about not completing all three goals, and remind myself that I did complete 2 out of 3.  And remind myself how much better I feel because I'm eating healthy and moving again. 



My new decal for my car.  I will put a check when
each distance has been completed -
walking, running, or biking, as long as I do it!

I'm still not sure if I will be able to continue to run.  I have some knee pain, along with other aches and pains from hips to my toes (and some days from shoulders to my toes).  This could be from actually getting regular activity for the first time in two years, or from trying to exercise at my current weight, or legitimate issues that may not go away.  I won't know unless I continue to exercise and lose some weight.  But those aches, pains, and soreness are not going to stop me.  They may slow me down, cause me to re-evaluate what activity I'm doing, but I don't plan on stopping. 

If I can't run, I'll walk.  If I can't walk long distances, I'll ride a bike.  If I can't bike, I'll swim.  There are things I can do, I just have to be willing to do them!

I'm slow. Deal with it.

Friday was one of my run days, but I decided to run after work.  Which I did.  But I didn't think it through.  I'm a morning runner, so I knew I would be a bit slower if I ran in the afternoon.  What I hadn't planned on was the heat.  I've had severe heat exhaustion several times, which makes heat one of my worse enemy when running.  I figured I was only going a mile and a half, so I didn't bring water and I didn't bother putting my hair up.  Big mistake.  I did finish the 1.5 miles, but it was my slowest "run" yet, and I felt sick after, and every muscle seemed to be screaming at me. 

Because I still wasn't feel all that great on Saturday, I slacked off and did nothing.  No walks (other than Walmart, which should be considered a walk!), no DVD workout, but I did stretch.  

Yesterday was another run day.  I started out slow.  But I didn't care.  I was out there and whether I ran, walked, or crawled, I was determined to get 1.75 miles in.  

As I was running, I had this visual in my head of my desire arguing with the fat cells in my body.  Desire wanted to be out there, running, enjoying the cool morning air, and getting the feeling of accomplishment.  Fat was screaming, kicking, and fighting, pointing out that they had been allowed to sit around and do nothing for two years and that another day wouldn't hurt anyone.  Desire wasn't listening, she knows what she wants and Fat was not going to win this time.  This visual gave me the motivation to keep moving.  

I have the Runkeeper app audio cues set to tell me the distance and pace every quarter mile.  This keeps me on track and lets me know when I need to turn around and head home.  When the app reported I was at .25 mile with a pace of 16:01 miles per minute, Fat pointed out how slow I was, and asked why was I putting myself through this.  Then Desire, in a soft voice, pointed out that I had just jogged a quarter mile without a walk break.  I was pretty sure I hadn't done that in my last 5 runs.  As I thought about that, I continued to run (okay, jog, shuffle, whatever) and before I knew it, I hit a half mile without a walk break.  Yea me!  And my pace was improving and I was under a 16 minutes mile.  I did need to take a short walk break before the 3/4 mile, but I was feeling good.  I kept moving forward, kept up the shuffling pace, and with each quarter mile, my pace was getting better.  By the time I got back to the house, I had finished my 1.87 mile run with a pace of 15:02 per mile.

I couldn't believe it!  I started out slow, but ended up with my best run in two weeks.  I listened to my Desire and not my Fat and was able accomplish what I set out to do.  

So, I'm a slow runner.  Big deal.  I'm out there, I'm trying, and I'm getting it done.  And, when it comes time to do a half marathon, if I'm only able to keep a 15 minute pace throughout, I will still finish it.  I will still do something that a lot of people would not even consider doing.  

Yea, I'm slow.  Deal with it. I have.

Listening and patience

The last two weeks have been several of the best I've had in a long time.  I have now tracked on MyFitnessPal for 16 days, been to three Weight Watcher meetings, and have done some sort of exercise the last 11 of 12 days.  In other words, I'm feeling awesome!

I've even managed to lose 4.2 pounds in two weeks.  That sure beats gaining weight!

What I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks, especially in regard to the activity, is I need to listen to my body.  

Let me start this by saying I'm an impatient person.  When hubby and I had only been going out for a couple of weeks, I remember him turning to me, looking at me intently and saying, "You are the most impatient person I have ever met."  Yep.  That about sums me up.  I'm all about instant gratification (which may be a contributing factor to my ongoing struggle with my weight).

I want to run.  I want to be able to run like I used to.  Problem is, at this moment in my life, I can't.  I'm out of shape from not doing any activity for two years and I weigh over 200 pounds.  My body cannot handle a long, moderately paced, run.  That is a fact.  A fact I don't like, but there it is.  So I have to slow down and be... ready for it?  Patient.  I have to be patient.  *sigh*

But here's the thing, I'm not going to wait until the scale says I can run, I'm going to run now... slowly, softly, and for short spurts.  The key to me "running" (I'm putting running in quotes since it's more of slow paced shuffle) now is I have to listen my body.  When my ankle starts to hurt, I need to slow down to a walk; if my knee hurts, I need to stretch more; when my whole body is whining, I need to listen and decide if a different activity is needed that day.  

The past 12 days has given me a lot of time to listen, to reflect, to remember, and to dream.   If I want to run a half marathon (or even a 5K), I need to listen to my body, to respect it, and work with what I can at this moment.  If not, I could ruin any chance of running in the future.  I need to take it easy, yet push myself to keep moving.  I need to find other things I can do in the mean time, and as Sibyl told me last week, have a Plan B.  

If running becomes something that just isn't possible, I will need a big Plan B... biking, swimming, speed walking, whatever.  I'm not keen on biking... but I never thought I would be runner.  So anything's possible...

In the meantime, I'm going to do what I always do.  Persevere.  And maybe... just maybe... I'll learn some patience along the way.

Fixing what ain't broke

This morning in the shower (because that's where I do my best thinking), I was trying to pinpoint where I got derailed on my weight maintenance journey.  I'm trying to figure out what I did so I won't repeat the same behavior in the future.  

I was able to maintain a 110+ pound weight loss for over 3 years, so obviously I was doing something right.  When did things go wrong?

It was a gradual process, a little tweak here, a major change there, and soon I was on a path I hadn't planned to go down.

I think the biggest mistake I made was trying to fix something that wasn't broken.  Fix something that was working well for me.  I was tired of tracking every little calorie in and out, so I wanted to be one of those people that would just make the right food decision without having to track.  

Just for the record... that didn't work for me....

Paleo sounded like a great thing.  Just avoid processed foods, eat all natural, organic foods, avoid grains, and never have to track again.  And Paleo works. I know people who are successful with the Paleo lifestyle.  I'm not one of them.  I am addicted to food, so free reign over what I eat doesn't work for me.  Avoiding grains and processed foods caused me to binge on those types of foods.  Which caused me to feel guilty and depressed, which lead to emotional eating... which started my vicious food cycle.  

And what's crazy, I continued that same behavior with the 21 Day Sugar Detox, the Whole 30, and several other programs.  Those are all great programs, I know people who do those programs and live them successfully, but they don't work for me.  

In some ways, I wish I had never gone down that path of trying new things, but in the scheme of things it was a valuable (yet emotionally and physically expensive) life lesson.  Sometimes I need to fail in order to succeed.

I learned a lot from each of those programs.  I learned to enjoy the flavor of my tea without any added sweeteners (and became a bit of tea snob in the process), I learned how to make and enjoy sweet treats without any sugar or artificial sweeteners.  I learned that I can go 35+ days without processed foods.  

I also learned that I need the occasional processed, sugar laden, ooey-gooey goodness in my life.  I learned I need a small amount of grains everyday so I don't feel deprived.  I learned I need to track everything I eat and all my activity.  I learned I need the support of Weight Watcher meetings, my friends and my Hubby.

I tried to fix something that wasn't broke.  Now I have to start again.  A painful life lesson, but one I can use in the future.  I know what works for me.  Now I just need to remember what works and not try to fix it! 

Goals vs Why

It always amazes me when things just seem to fall into place.  Coincidences that feel more like a higher power is at work in my life.  This past week I've had several incidences such as that.

Last Wednesday, I signed up for Weight Watchers in the morning.  That afternoon at work, we got an email about the Active Challenge (tracking steps/activity for 8 weeks).  I felt it was a "meant to be" sort of thing.  I immediately signed up the challenge and recruited a friend and hubby to join my team, and then got a co-worker to join us, and hoping for a few more people to join us.  Being more active is one of my goals along with attending the WW meetings. 


On Saturday I wrote about my goals and what I wanted during this part of my weight loss journey.  I want to run again.  If weight loss comes with that, great, but my focus is running.  In order to have the energy and stamina to run, I need to make better food choices.  Making better food choices should lead to weight loss.  So my reason for all of this, my "why" I am going down this path yet again, is to be able to run.


Sunday morning, as I laid in bed, I started looking through my Nook Book wish list and noticed a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss."  It's a book I've had on wish list for years but yesterday I decided to purchase it.  It's a lot like the Beck Diet Solution,a guide to help you stay on whatever weight loss program you choose to follow.  There's a page of text, then a lesson to follow for that day.  The first lesson in the book?  Write down at least 10 reasons why you want to lose weight.   The first two or three were easy for me... to be able to run, to fit into all the clothes in my closet, be able to go backpacking... but then I had to dig a bit deeper for more reasons why I wanted to lose weight.

Then this morning, I got the weekly email from WW.  The topic was... "Goals vs. Why."  See... more coincidence!  I definitely feel a higher power is looking out for me this week.  Giving me the signs to not only think about what I want, but why I want it. 


Focusing on my "why" will help me reach my goals.  During the difficult times (which I'm sure there will be many), I need to remember my "why" and persevere.  I can do this!

Setting goals

First, let me say, I hate setting goals.  I have set a lot of goals throughout my life and made very few of them.

When I joined Weight Watchers in 2004, I set a goal to stick with the program until I became a Lifetime member.  I reached my goal weight 6 1/2 years after starting.  That goal was met.  Then I stopped working the program. Stopped going to meetings.  And eventually just stopped. Looking back on it, I should have made my goal to never quit WW, regardless of making Lifetime or not.  But hey, live and learn...

Now that I'm going to back to the WW meetings (I've attended 1 meeting out of 1 week, so 100% attendance so far... yea me!), I want to make a goal that has nothing to do with the number on the scale.  That number does not define me.  Yes, I have let it in the past, but this is a new road on the weight loss journey and I want a new destination in mind.  The number on the scale is just a number, and that number can fluctuate by 5 depending on the week, what was eaten or drank the day before weigh in, stress, lack of sleep, hormones, and life in general.  Yet I let the number on the scale push me into near depression and let it lift me into moments of joy and happiness.  A number did that.  A number on stupid, inanimate object.  I don't want that anymore...

Instead, I want a goal on this journey that will keep me moving.  Literally.  I want to run.  Not only do I want to run, I want to run half marathons. 

So, my goal is to complete half marathons.  At least one a year.  And run as many local races as I can with the time I have between work and the Lego business (and the money needed for the race fees).  

I kept telling myself I needed to be in shape to do that.  I have to lose 40, 50, 60 pounds to be able to do races.  

No, I don't.

the last time I completed a 1/2 marathon,
(with friends Sibyl and Julie, April 2015)

I could finish a 5K today.  Okay, it would take me a long time to complete a 5K, maybe need to walk the whole thing, be sore as hell tomorrow, but damn it, I could do it.  There are a lot of overweight (even obese) athletes that complete races.  Sure, not all of them run, but they get out and do it.  I don't want to wait to be the perfect weight to do it.  I want to do it now.  I'm tired of putting something I enjoy doing on hold until scale says I can.  Oh wait... scales can't talk!  It's not telling me anything.  It's just sitting there, displaying a number that doesn't mean much when you break it down.

So my goal?  To move.  To move more today than I did yesterday.  To get outside and walk.  Walk on the treadmill on bad weather days.  To stretch.  To do a Weight Watcher workout DVD occasionally.  

Disney Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon
January 2012

Then... my goal to get me back in the swing of running a half marathon (or walking... or crawling, if need be) is to sign up for a half marathon in September 2019.  Why then?  To celebrate my 50th birthday.  What better gift to give myself than the feeling of accomplishment that comes with completing a half marathon.  A feeling I have not forgotten, even though it's been three years since my last half marathon.  The joy, the happiness, the motivation to keep moving.  No party or weekend away can come close to that.  Not for me anyway. 

Walking through the door

This morning I did something that was emotionally difficult.  I walked through a doorway.

Between 2004 and 2014, I was a regular attendee at Weight Watcher meetings.  I went more weeks than I didn't, and there were weeks I attended more than one meeting.  I was a receptionist for Weight Watchers and toyed with the idea of becoming a WW leader.  Thanks to WW, I lost 120 pounds. 


Then I got to maintenance and things changed.  Maintenance is difficult.  I remember sitting in meetings during my "losing" period and wondering why the Lifetime members were talking about how hard it was to maintain their weight.  In my mind, that was the easy part.  You've lost weight so you know what works and doesn't work, so maintenance should be a breeze. Once I stepped over to the maintenance side of weight loss, I saw how hard it truly was.  And, the one drawback to WW (or at least in the area I live), there is very little coaching on how to maintain a healthy weight.  Don't get me wrong, the Leaders, receptionists, weighers, and Lifetime members are very supportive, encouraging, and inspiring.  But let's face it, once you become a Lifetime member with WW, you no longer pay for the meetings, so as a company they don't make money on members who reach Lifetime. 


Okay, I don't mean for this to be a WW bashing post, because it's not.  I'm just stating my opinion.  And for me, maintenance was the one big drawback to WW.  But for losing weight, I honestly cannot think of better program.  I learned a lot (and I mean A LOT) about weight loss, eating healthy, and activity through WW.  I was encouraged by my leader to keep working on weight loss during a very difficult period of my life.  I got a phenomenal amount of support from the meetings and made some awesome, wonderful friends through WW. 


So why did I quit going?  Frustration, boredom, and embarrassment. 


I was frustrated with trying to maintain my weight, so I started experimenting with different ways of tracking my food (went from counting points to counting calories), I tried different ways of eating (clean eating, Paleo, Primal, Whole 30, 20 Day Sugar Detox, etc), and I varied my exercise.  I was also frustrated by a knee injury that caused me to stop running, by health issues that slowed me down, and by work and life stress that become my focus.


And yes, boredom at the meetings.  Once you attend meetings for a number of years, you start to see a pattern in the meeting topics.  And even though each meeting is unique because of the variety of members, the meetings topic became stale and boring. 


Once I started gaining weight back, embarrassment and shame kept me from going to meetings.  I was embarrassed to have gained weight back... and the more I gained, the more embarrassed and ashamed I became.  After all, I used to speak at meetings, I helped to inspire people to persevere through the tough times and encouraged others to join WW.  How could I go meetings knowing I had failed? That I had not kept the weight off? I felt (and still feel) fat, sluggish, tired, and miserable.  I wanted to hide until all the weight miraculously fell off my body...


After weeks of contemplating the pros and cons, looking at what worked in the past and what wasn't working now, I realized I needed the WW meetings.  I need it for the support and the accountability. 


The first step was renewing my monthly pass.  That was easy.


The next step was to actually go to the meeting.  That was hard. 


Who knew walking through that door would take every bit of will power I had.  It is the hardest step I've taken on this weight loss journey.  All the others steps I've taken and faltered on were nothing compared to that.  I was scared, nervous, anxious, and depressed.  I knew going back meant really facing the scale (stepping on the scale at home is a different journey then stepping on the scale at the WW center) and seeing the significant gain since I last weighed in at the center. 


I now understand those people that would slink quietly back to the meetings, those people that whispered to the receptionist they used to be a member, sit in the back of the room, and overall just hope to become invisible.  I was that person this morning. 


There were a lot of familiar faces at the meeting, which caused me a lot of anxiety and made me wish I had picked a different meeting time.  But then faces I hadn't seen in months (or years) smiled in recognition, waved, and walked across the room to see me, to give me a hug. 


There was no judgement.  No critical looks.  Just happiness I was back. 


Even with that, it was still one of the longest meeting I had been to.  I sat in my chair, trying to pay attention to the topic, trying to enjoy the banter of the members and the antics of the leader, but fighting the urge to burst into tears and run from the center.  I had to face the fact, I'm starting over.  Not from square one (thankfully I have managed to keep 36.7 pounds off), but pretty darn close.  I know the fight I have ahead of me.  I know the struggles, the frustration, the disappointments, and the heartaches that are part of the weight loss journey.  I know that goal is not some magic number on the scale or mystical place.  Goal is the just one stop on the journey. 


But I'm getting back to what works for me.  WW for support and accountability.  Myfitnesspal.com for tracking my food.  Eating clean (natural foods and/or processed foods with 5 or less ingredients).  Walking, hiking, and eventually running as my activity.


My goal is to not make the number on the scale my priority, but running as my priority.  WW and MyFitnessPal are just tools to get me to end goal... back to running half marathons.

*sigh*

Trying to not let the negative voice in my head take over this morning.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was up.  Not much.  Barely anything.  But it still bugs me.  

So instead of wallowing in self pity, which is my go-to move, I have decided to re-evaluate.  

I am just getting back into the groove of watching what I eat, moving more, and as of Sunday, tracking my food.  There could be a million reasons why the scale didn't reflect these changes.  

This week, I will focus more on the tracking and try to stick to healthy, clean foods.  I will try to avoid the cookies, hot chocolate, and fun sized Twix (and for the record, I did track all those foods!).  I will hover behind Hubby as he's cooking to get all the ingredients of the recipe into the MyFitnessPal tracker.  I will focus on drinking my water and meeting my step goal.  


This is just week two, and it's not going to help if I give up after 14 days.  I'm just out of practice and need to keep at it.  

Today will be a challenge.  Having lunch with Ondrea and dinner out with Hubby.  But I know from past experience what foods I should or shouldn't have.  I can do this.  

I want to be healthy again.  To have energy.  To be able to run.  I can do this.  I will do this.  At least for today, I will not let the negative voice win! 

Where has she been?

This past week has been awesome for me.  I've felt empowered, felt valued at work, and reconnected with old friends.  I faltered a bit a last night, but feeling better this morning (not enough sleep leads to overeating for me...).

Last week, when I was going through my scrapbook albums trying to figure out where I left off, I looked at quite a few layouts from the various races that Hubby and I ran in 2014.  I could see the look of determination on my face, the look of accomplishment, and in a few, a look of happiness.  The Runner in me woke up.

As I moved through the week, the Runner kept me motivated.  When I was walking, I could hear her voice reminding me of various races and training runs I had done.  Her voice encouraged me to get out in the brisk wind and walk.  She reminded me to take it slow, nurse my aching knee, and to stretch.  Although the Runner is as impatient as I am, she told me to take it easy, focus on walking for now, work on losing some weight, and we will be running before I know it.

Yesterday, Windy wasn't able to walk with me, so I had to get out on my own.  During the walk, I listened to the encouraging voice of the Runner to keep me moving despite some (okay, a lot) of aches in my knee and ankles.

About half way through the walk, I couldn't help but wonder... where the hell has this voice been for the last 3 1/2 years?  Why did she leave me?  Where did she go?  And why did she come back?  

And more importantly, why have I been listening to the negative voice in my head? 

I think what got me on this train of thought is a mediation audio I have listened to several times this past week.  I have an app on my phone called Relax Melodies that I use when I have trouble getting to sleep.  There are various meditations you can listen to along with the soothing sounds.  There is one meditation called "Stop self-criticism."  In the audio, the narrator talks about picturing the negative voice as an alternate version of yourself or as animal.  I pictured this negative voice in my head as young child.  Why?  Because when I start on a eating binge, I justify it as a spoiled child would... "I want this," "I deserve this," "this will make me feel better," etc.  And when the rational part of my mind (the Runner) would try to step in and point out why I shouldn't be binge eating, the negative child would throw a tantrum.  The Runner, feeling tired, rundown, and overwhelmed due to stress in my life, would give in.  And as it happens with any spoiled child, once that behavior has been reinforced, the child knows exactly what to say and do to get her way.  In other words, the Runner gave up and let the child run things.  

In the mediation the narrator talks about accepting the negative part of yourself, comforting it, but letting that part of yourself know that it isn't in charge (I'm totally paraphrasing, but you get the drift...).  

Through this mediation, I could visual the Runner sitting down with the spoiled child and explaining that it is time for her to grow up.  In three and a half years, the spoiled child had undone what took nearly 7 years to accomplish.  The Runner wants to be in charge again.  

I love the Runner.  She is me.  The me I want to be.  The me I strive to be again.  The me that felt awesome, that felt confident, happy, and inspired.  The me that was happy whenever I finished a race, even if I came in last.  Because I knew that finishing the race meant I was ahead of those that didn't even try.

The Runner is more than something I used to do, she was and is the culmination of years of hard work, of finding myself, and discovering things I never thought I could possibly do.  

I pray the Runner is truly back with me.  I need her.  And maybe between us, we can keep the spoiled child in check.

Empowered!

Scrapbook table, set up and ready to start scrapbooking! 

This has been a good week for me.  And like I said in the previous post, I'm not sure what clicked with me, but this is the best I've felt (mentally) in a long time.  

Yesterday morning as I was walking into work, I was trying to put a finger on what I was feeling and the word empowered popped in my head.  Yes, I feel empowered.  I feel like I can lose the weight (again!), I don't have to let work stress me out, I can get my walk(s) in during the day, I can find balance between work, my online business, and the other things I would like to do.  I can enjoy my life.

Right now, my biggest fear is this feeling will go away, but I'm not letting that fear stop me from enjoying the moment.

Yesterday was a good day.  I finally got out and walked at lunch time (thank you Windy!) and plan to get back in the routine of doing that.  As long as the weather cooperates... this has been a long winter in Montana and sometimes spring time isn't much better.  

Another factor adding to my good day yesterday was a revelation that my stressful job, that I have been bitching and complaining about it, and hating for the last 9 months, isn't that bad anymore.  In fact, I actually have a good job and apparently the upper management I resented and complained about for months, is on my side.  

In November, I told both HR and my bureau chief that I was very unhappy with my job and my workload, and would most likely be looking for another job within the next 6 to 12 months (once Hubby was settled in his new job).  When questioned about why I was unhappy I gave two major examples, one was where I was sitting in the office and the other was the billing portion of my workload.  Working on the billing was taking up so much time it was causing me to work up to 10 hours a day and most weekends.  I was given permission to move across the room, eliminating one of the stresses.  I had been sitting next to a co-worker who works best by talking out loud, but I need quiet to focus.  The co-worker talked so much that by the end of the day I would be in tears of frustration because I couldn't focus or get anything done.  The co-worked didn't do it intentionally, it's just in this person's way of working.  Once I moved, there was a great weight lifted, I was able to focus more, and was able to get through the day without tears.  It would be 3 months before I was able to get help with the billing, but once I did get the help, my weekend trips to the office became in minimal.  

Several months ago I requested a laptop or tablet that I could use during meetings (I have a LOT of meetings) so I could take more organized notes to follow up with customers.  Right now I jot down notes in a notebook.  Yep, totally old school way of taking notes.  Problem is, with all the meetings, I forget which page I took the notes on, and what I was supposed to follow up on.  I wasn't sure my request was heard, but yesterday I got a call from the desktop support group saying that my new laptop was in and I would be getting it on Friday.  Wow.  

Then, last week after putting in a 10 hour day at my desk, my shoulder and back were killing me, so I asked if I could get a sit/stand station.  Yesterday, I had the ergonomic assessment and will be getting the station in the next 2 to 4 weeks.

It was then I realized that I do work with people who care, who have seen my frustrations, and feel I'm valuable enough to the organization to grant my requests.  Almost made me regret my months of bitching and complaining... almost...  

And on the home front, things are going well too.  I got my scrapbook table all set up and have actually gotten a couple of layouts completed.  I'm apparently out of the scrapping groove, because creating the layouts took much longer than it should have, but it felt good to do it.  

I have decided to make Wednesday my weigh in day.  I picked this date for several reasons.  For one, Hubby and I go out to dinner on Wednesday nights, so weighing in the morning just made sense.  Plus, I'm trying to get my weight back under 150 by my 50th birthday, which will be on Wednesday in 2019.  I realize that losing 64 pounds in 76 weeks may be a bit unrealistic for me, and I have never made a timed weight goal before, but it's something I would like to do. 

One other decision I'm on the verge of making (haven't quite talked myself into it yet), is to sign up for the Governor's Cup 5K in June.  I won't be able to run it at this weight (knee hurts bad enough just walking), but having something to workout for might inspire me to get back into an exercise routine.  It will also give me a baseline for future races, since I am basically starting over at square one with my walking and running.  

So, before I start the "poor me" pity party, I am going focus on the positive:

• Walked with Windy yesterday and got over 10,000 steps
• Realized my job isn't that bad and I am not nearly as stressed by it as I have been
• Got my scrap table all set up and getting back in the groove of scrapbooking
• Lost 3.3 pounds in 6 days!

See?  Life can be great, I just need to look for the greatness in each moment! 

After the retreat...

My third post in a month... a new record!

I don't want to spend a lot of time on this post, it's more of check in type post.

Since being home from the retreat, I have had more energy and more motivation then I have had in a long time.  Not sure if that was because of the time away from work, time spent with friends, the long talk with Sibyl (thank you for giving up some of your valuable scrapbook time to talk with me!), or the fact I managed to lose a pound over the weekend (no easy feat, since there were snacks and alcohol available to me all weekend).  

Maybe it was a combination of those things...

I am in the process of de-cluttering my scrapbook room, because over the weekend I came to realize how much I miss scrapbooking.  And since I let work and the Lego business take over my life, I am now 4 years behind on pictures.  Just the act of cleaning up the room has given me a positive mental boost.  For the last year it has become a dumping ground for anything and everything   Without me even asking, Hubby moved his stuff out of the room.  I was just going to move his stuff aside, but he seemed to sense I needed my space back.

I'm just hoping this mental shift will stick with me for more than a few days.  I am tired of gaining weight, complaining, and being the Negative Nellie of the group. I want to have energy, lose some weight, and not be so moody.  So far this week, I'm doing just that.  

Today at work, I made a point of getting up and walking every hour when my FitBit reminded me.  I also sent an IM to Windy to see if she wanted to get back into our walking routine, which she was happy to do.  I marked the time on my Outlook calendar so I wouldn't forget... and hopefully people won't schedule meetings when I want to walk!  

Working on "no excuses" to get me back into life.  Focusing on my health and well being.  Less stress and tears, and more smiles and productivity at home.  

Which reminds me, I need to work on processing an order for my Lego business and then I'm going back in the house to finish cleaning my scrapbook room.  With any luck, I can start scrapbooking this week! 

Finding confidence

The Lego London Bus

I've started this post several times.  I do want to write, but I can't seem to focus my thoughts.  That could be because it's 6:24 in the morning and I've only had about 5 1/2 hours sleep.  It could be because my emotions the last couple of days have been all over the place.  Lots of laughing and reminiscing, with my thoughts going to "better" times when I was at healthy weight and had more confidence in myself.

I'm trying very hard to keep this post lighthearted and fun, keeping out the negativity, so we'll see how I do...

This weekend I am at the annual craft retreat (formerly known as the scrapbook retreat) at a local resort.  Most of my friends are scrapping, but I of course brought my Lego sets to work on (hey, between work and the Lego business, my personal sets are piling up).  It's been a lot of fun hanging out with these women.  They are all fun, loving, caring, kind spirits.  We truly enjoy one another's company.  I am enjoying myself... 

... but I almost didn't come this year.  Why?  Because I'm am ashamed of the weight I have gained back. I know my friends don't care.  They love me for who I am, not what I weigh, but am totally embarrassed by my weight gain.  I hate the way I look, the way feel, and the fact I had to buy another (bigger, wider) swimsuit so I could hang out in the hot tub with my friends.  

Mikey, my constant shadow and comfort kitty

I stepped on the scale before I left for this weekend and was up another 2 pounds.  But that easily could have been the ham I had at lunch the day before and the dinner out with hubby.  Once I saw the number on the scale I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my cat, Mikey, and not leave the house for the five days.  

You would think the weight gain would stop me from eating, but no... I see the weight gain, get depressed, eat for comfort, and gain more weight.  (Yes, I know, I know... I've talked about this vicious cycle again and again... which is becoming another cycle for me).

When I was at my heaviest, I let the weight stop me from living and I can feel that happening again.  I don't want to be like that. I want to enjoy the times with my friends, I want to be able to keep up my active husband, and I want to have the confidence to do things regardless of what I weigh or what I look like.  Having the confidence to do those other things, will inevitably give me the confidence to lose the weight.  Give me the confidence to walk, run, and hike.  Will give me the confidence to live my life.  

It took confidence to buy a new swimsuit.  It took confidence to get off the couch (sorry, Mikey!).  And it took confidence to come to the retreat this weekend.  I can only hope this is a step in the right direction.

To focus on the positive this weekend (and there were lots of moments, how could there not be with these women), here are things that made me feel good about myself:

• Came to the retreat 
• Did well with my eating for about 24 hours (in other words, I didn't go overboard on the treats and alcohol)
• Got up and walked when my FitBit reminded me to move (The FitBit also thinks my building with Lego is me moving around... so I've gotten more steps than I deserve... which I suppose could be considered a positive! LOL)
• Put on the swimsuit and walked to the hot tub
• Writing this blog instead of fretting and worrying about the things that may not have been the best choice for me

A pretty good layout - done without me
bringing any scrapooking supplies to the retreat!

Okay, I reread this post and have to the conclusion it's not my most enjoyable post, but not overly negative either.  But on 5 1/2 hours of sleep, this is the best you are getting.  

I'm now off to enjoy another day of Lego building, a little scrapbooking, soaking in the hot tub, and laughing with these crazy women.  In other words, I'm off to enjoy my life! 

Lego, Lego, Lego... and my day job

Our Lego shop - where we run our business,
Montana Used Bricks

I know, I know... it's been a very long time since I posted anything on my blog.  I have all kinds of excuses why I haven't written, but let's just move on, shall we?  

So, what have I been up to in the last 7 months?  Work and Lego.  That's pretty much it.  

When I was in the shower this morning (where I do my best... and worst... thinking), it hit me.  My priorities are all screwed up.  And have been for three years now.  And because my priorities have been screwed up, I have gained a staggering 90 pounds back.  

What have my priorities been?  Work, my expanding Lego business, family and friends, and myself last.  By putting myself at the bottom of the priority list, it has caused all issues.  If I would put myself first (not in the egotistical, it's-all-about-me way, but the my-health-and-happiness way), then I would have more time and energy for my other priorities.  

Wow... only took me three years to figure that out...  

I thought of all kinds of ways I could turn things around, but I have had numerous "plans" in the past year and none of them have lasted more than a few days.  I know what I need to do, but the motivation, energy, will power, whatever you want to call it, just isn't there.  

sorted inventory - waiting to be sold!

I could do this or that, but then something comes up at work, or I get slammed with orders for Lego parts, or something comes up with my family and I quickly resort back to eating for comfort and not getting any exercise.  In other words, I used life as my excuse to not live to the fullest.  How stupid is that?  

And please, don't think I'm all depressed and upset about where I am (okay, there are days like that but this isn't one of them...), today I'm just reflecting and accepting.  I need to accept this is where I am in my life today, but it doesn't mean it's where I need to be (or will be) tomorrow... or even an hour from now.  

Yes, there a million thoughts racing through my head this morning and I'm trying weed through them and discard the negative thoughts and focus on the positive.  Negative leads to eating, when leads to being lethargic, which leads to weight gain. Positive thoughts lead to action.  

Lego parts waiting to be sorted and put into inventory

So, positive thoughts for the day:

My day job.  This will be a surprise to my friends and co-workers, but as many times as I utter "I hate this job" at work, I really do like it more than I hate it.  My role and responsibilities at work has greatly changed over the last year, to the point my current job looks nothing like it did before.  But, as much as I hate to admit it, all the change has pushed me outside my comfort zone and shown me what I'm capable of doing.  I do enjoy many aspects of my job and the leadership responsibilities that have been thrown on me at various times in the last year.  I could learn to love my job, if I wouldn't let it run my life.  I have been working 45 to 50 hours a week, putting in 8 1/2 to 10 hour days and working working weekends.  And I struggle with trying to do the job perfectly... it's never going to happen so I need to accept that I can only do so much, ask for help, and let some things go.  And most importantly, I need to take my breaks, get outside and MOVE.

A sampling of my Lego collection

My Lego business.  I love, love, love my Lego business.  If I could work the business full time and make enough to pay my bills, I would do it in a heartbeat!  I never dreamed I would run my own business.  In fact, after watching my parents struggle with several business ventures, I swore I would never do that.  But here's the thing, on-line business are totally different than retail stores.  I can work at my own pace, make my own hours, and I can complain about "customers" and they never know!  It's been awesome experience to have this business and I hope to continue it for years to come.  The downside to this business is the time it takes to run it.  I pride myself for the fast turn around on our orders, but that takes time and energy to do.  I work on this business 2 to 5 hours a day during the week, and 5 to 12 hours a day on weekends and holidays.  That doesn't leave a lot time for other activities.  I have learned I need help with the business and my hubby is on board and spends nearly as much time as I do working with me.  I have also had my mom and youngest niece to help get parts into inventory.  But with any growing business, the more you grow, the more time required to keep it growing.  I need to figure out more balance with the business.  Limit the amount of time I spend on it, and put time aside to focus on other things... like my health.

Okay, as much as I would like to ramble on and give you more positive thoughts for the day, I need to wrap this up so I can get to my day job.  My goal for today it to get out for one 10 minute walk.  I know, that doesn't sound like much, but more me that will be a vast improvement!