Giving up

Yes, I admit it.  At some point (multiple points) in the last 3 years, I have given up.  Given up on my good eating habits, my weight loss, my running, my being active.  

I hadn't given up the whole time, just at various points here in there.  Some times I just gave up for a day or two, at some points for weeks... and lately, months at a time.  

I spend a lot of time asking myself why?  Why did I give up?  I gave up on good health and active lifestyle.  Why?  I have a million reasons (excuses) why, but despite my 10+ years of Weight Watcher meetings, speaking at WW meetings, writing this blog and my previous blog, my attempting to inspire and motivate others, I never learned the most important thing that I needed to learn.  How to deal with my emotional eating.

Looking back, I can see the times I gave up on myself.  My knee pain, which kept me from running and then used the (insignificant) pain as an excuse to not do any form of exercise.  My health issues and surgery.  Change in job responsibility at work. Stress from the possibility of my hubby not having a job.  And the list goes on and on.  

Those things are not the reason I gained the weight back.  Just because life was going on around me did not cause me to gain weight.  What caused me to gain weight was the fact I ate the wrong foods to deal with those situations.  I used everything in my life as an excuse to not exercise and eat whatever I felt like eating.  Those situations did not put the pounds back on, I put the weight back on.  Me.  Me and my actions.  

Last week, I had a big shock when I stepped on the scale.  I weighed 205 pounds.  The most I have weighed in over 13 years.  Not since my first year at Weight Watchers have I seen that number on the scale.  I was scare, mortified, embarrassed, shocked, and depressed.  

I went to hubby in tears and said I needed help.  I could not keep going the way I was going.  I had to dive back into what works for me and I needed his help to do it.  I am going back to counting calories, weighing and measuring everything I eat, and being vigilant about what I'm eating.

In the past 5 years, I have done a lot of reading, researching, watching, and listening about eating healthy.  I know, logically, that I shouldn't have to count calories to maintain a healthy weight.  This a fact, backed up by a lot scientific research.  And it works for a lot of people.  It just doesn't work, long term, for me.  I can to the 30 Day Fat Burning Paleo plan, the Whole 30, the 21 Day Sugar Detox.  I am capable of doing them for the time allotted, and being successful at it.  My struggles start the day 31, when I am supposed to just continue on with the plan and incorporate into my daily life.  And I can do that... for about 5 to 10 days, then life happens and I use that as an excuse to eat whatever I want.  Or the temptation becomes so great, I end up "sneaking" the food I'm craving, feel guilty about eating it, and eat out of guilt.  And like I mentioned before, it's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me.  Not dealing with the emotional eating.  A vicious cycle of eating.

I've read a few books on how to deal with emotional eating.  And what they all boil down to, is the fact you have to stop yourself while your doing it.  Call a friend, meditate, journal, go for a walk...  All great ideas.  But first you have to stop yourself.  When I am in the midst of emotional eating, I don't think to stop.  I'm too focused on using the food to feel better.  And if I stop, I have deal with the emotion that causing me to eat.  If I'm using food to mask that emotion, then the last thing I think to do or even want to do, is stop eating.  Another vicious cycle of eating.  

The most recent pic of me.  Lately, I've
avoided having my picture taken. 

Okay, if you've read this far, you are probably waiting for some big "ah-ha" moment.  That in one week's time, I've figured out how to get back on track and to overcome my emotional eating.  Well, sorry.  That didn't happen. 

Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time.  I managed to go one week of counting calories.  No exercise.  Just counting calories.  Focusing on not eating whenever life throws me something I don't want to deal with.  In the past week I've gone down 10.2 pounds.  Which means that the weight I saw last week was mostly like a fluke, scale wasn't level, I had too much sodium the night before I weighed, something.  Or maybe in was fate or divine intervention to get me to focus on what is important.  My health.  When I'm healthy, eating well, sleeping well, then life is easier to manage, and there's less emotional eating.  A good, healthy cycle of eating.

I still have a long way to go before I'm back to where I would like to be, both mentally and physically.  My ultimate goal is to be back to my healthy weight (between 135-137) by my 50th birthday.  And thanks to handy-dandy countdown app on my phone, I know this is 110 weeks away.  So, if I can manage .5-.6 pounds per week, I can make that goal.  If not, then I would like to be a hell of lot closer to it than I am now!  I would also like to complete a half marathon the week of my 50th birthday.  Whether I walk it, run it or do a combination.  I want to having that feeling of accomplishment.  A reminder I am capable of great and wonderful things.