Frustrated yet proud, unhappy yet content

I've been wanting to write a blog post all week, but just could not seem to find the time.  Between work, fostering kittens, crossfit, mobility, and running, the days zip by in a blur.  So I decided that writing a blog post would be high on my priority list for the day's tasks.  

Last Saturday I ran in the Governor's 10K race.  I finished, which is always my goal, so I'm proud of that.  I'm also a bit disappointed in my finishing time.  It was the 2nd worst 10k I've ran.  I felt tired and I obviously was, but I did my best and did what I always do, I persevered.  

This week at crossfit I was able to do several of the workouts without having to scale back (okay, without having to scale back as much as I had been).  I'm very proud of that accomplishment.  And I'm finding I'm getting a bit stronger and getting a better at some of the workouts.  All good things.... yet, I'm frustrated because it seems like my knee hurts at every workout.  I know it's getting better, stronger, but it's still frustrates me I can't make it through one workout with out some kind of pain in my right knee.  

Another accomplishment for the week was my short run on Wednesday morning.  I had a good, strong run with no knee pain.  And had one of my fastest pace times since starting crossfit (and I believe the second or third best in the past year).  That was an awesome feeling.  Then my run on Friday was a struggle, with an on and off ache in my legs and knees... but I still had a pretty good pace by the end of it.

See where I'm going with this?  I am very conflicted lately.  Proud of all my little accomplishments, yet frustrated.  

Lately I've been very unhappy with the way I look and the way I feel.  I told Hubby that I'm more unhappy about the way I look now than I did when I was at my heaviest weight.  I was chubby as a child, overweight as a teenage, obese in my twenties, and morbidly obese in my early 30's, so I had no idea of what I would look like at a healthy weight.  Now I do.  I remember how I looked, how I felt, and how much energy I had when I was at my goal weight.  Being 30 pounds above that weight is actually more upsetting now than it was before I ever got to goal.  Now I know what I'm missing.  And don't get me started on how I felt when I realized I would have to buy all new summer clothes because nothing I wore last summer fits anymore...

Yet, despite that unhappiness, I am content with my life.  I like the fact that I am able to do crossfit, to continue running, to go walking with Hubby and friends.  I enjoy my job (as stressful as it can be some days), my co-workers, and the new things I learn nearly everyday.  I still enjoy attending the Weight Watcher meetings, walking on my breaks with my friends, and the community feeling at the crossfit center.  I love the support system I have to get me through all this.  Hubby is awesome and so encouraging about everything, Juli keeps me accountable, and Windy is always there to remind me I'm not alone in the struggle.  Not mention my friends at WW, co-workers, and my walking and running buddies.  

Proud, yet frustrated.  Happy, yet unhappy.

So what do I do about all this conflicting emotions?  I think, I evaluate, I recognize, I make changes.

I decided to look at how things are going for me now.  If I am unhappy about the way I look, what could I do about it?  What did I do before that made me happy?  

I needed to go back to what works best for me.  I narrowed down the time I was at goal, felt healthy, and liked the way I looked.  What was I doing then that I'm not doing now?

Counting calories.

I have been trying to eat Paleo/Primal, which if followed correctly, you shouldn't have to count calories.  Which may work great for people who never had a weight problem.  Who don't have an emotional connection to food.  Who don't have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I have those issues, so "eating until you are satisfied" doesn't work for me.  There are days I am never satisfied, never full, and continue eating.  Even eating too much of the healthy foods is a bad thing.  

I'm back to to counting calories.  And taking more of a "clean eating" approach to my food than Paleo.  This means I will have foods that may not be considered Paleo, but aren't highly processed either.  And I will track the calories in everything I eat.  

I started this last Saturday after I reflected on what I had eaten in the previous week.  I had written down everything I ate, but I still overate... on a lot of foods... a lot of unhealthy foods.  Cake, cookies, chips, and whatever else I could find.  

After a week long sugar binge, I was sure I would have major sugar withdrawals or cravings, but I haven't.  I've felt good.  I feel like I'm in control again.  

And maybe with time, I won't feel as conflicted about the way things are going. 

Summer plans for summer fun and more crossfit ramblings

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before or not, but one of my favorite things to do is to go camping.  I love to camp... whether it's backpacking, tent camping, or taking our tent trailer... I don't care, as long as I get to camp.  Rain, heat, even snow, it's all fun to me!

Me in 2012,
on my first overnight backpacking trip

The summer of 2013 we got out a total of zero times.  Nada.  Not at all.  We did go to Glacier National Park in mid-June, but we stayed at time-share so although we did some short day hikes, we didn't camp.

The summer of 2014 we did a little better.  We got out twice... sort of... In July we went to Virginia City MT for the Dog & Grog Brewfest and stayed in our backpacking tent.  At an RV Park.  So we kind of camped.  We slept in a tent and had a campfire in the evening.  In August we went Wisdom and stayed several nights.  Finally!  Real camping!  We did quite a bit of hiking, took some long drives, and just enjoyed being out.

This summer I'm hoping for more.  So I'm planning our trips.  Generally our camping trips or backpacking trips are spur of the moment.  Which is nice, but rarely works out to be much camping.  Things come up...  it's raining, it's too hot, we need to train for our next race, or any other little thing will keep us from going.  

This year we have two tent-camper trips on the calendar and we've taken time off work to go.  So we will be going.  Now I just need to nail down two weekends to do an overnight backpacking trip and I will be a happy camper.  :-)

Along with the camping trips, we have one race scheduled.  We are going to do the Elkhorn Endurance 24K trail run.  We did this one last year and it was more of a fast-paced hike than a race for me, but it was a lot of fun.  I'm really looking forward to doing it again, and maybe at a faster pace since my knee isn't bothering me nearly as much this year.

I'm sure we will find time to do some hiking and possibly some fishing too.  Anything that gets us out and about.

In addition to jabbering about my summer plans, I wanted to take a moment and comment on my crossfit journey.  I am still doing crossfit three days a week and as challenging (and frustrating) as it can be, I'm finding that I am seeing improvements already.  Little things, that don't seem like much, but give me the motivation to continue.

Last week it was something silly, but it gave me a confidence boost.  I was at Walmart with Hubby and I decided I wanted a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade, so while he continued shopping I went to the back of the store.  I picked out the Mike's I wanted and headed back to find Hubby.  About half way through the aisles, I realized I wasn't cradling the 6-pack, but carrying it by the handle.  Before crossfit, my grip wasn't strong enough to carry it that way and I was always afraid I would drop it, so I cradled the box in my arms.  Not now.  Now I have the grip strength to carry it by handle.  Silly... I know... but an improvement none the less.

This week there was a day that was grueling workout (for me anyway).  The skill of the day was to do air squats, push ups, hollow rockers, and pull ups (I did ring rows).  We did as many air squats as we could in two minutes, rested for two minutes, did push ups for two minutes, rested, etc.  Then, as though that wasn't bad enough, the workout of the day was a "ladder" workout, which consisted of overhead lunges (I used a 10 lb plate), box jumps (I did step ups), and sit ups.  The ladder part?  Each round you decrease the lunges, but increase the sit ups, so it looks like this: 

50 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      10 sit ups
40 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      20 sit ups
30 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      30 sit ups
20 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      40 sit ups
10 overhead lunges     15 box jumps      50 sit ups

That means 150 lunges... and 150 sit ups!  

I did it!  I was sore (and still am on some level) for three days.  I couldn't even do a sit up the next day my abs hurt so bad.  I never would have believed it was possible for me to do 150 sit ups, let alone do that entire workout in less 20 minutes.  I wasn't fast by any means, but I loved the feeling of accomplishment when I got done.  

You would think with all the crossfit, running, and walking that I would lose weight, right?  Nope.  It seems the more I workout, the more junk food I consume.  I know I shouldn't.  I know I'm never going to get this weight off if I keep eating crap, but I'm still doing it.  There's a mental disconnect somewhere.  But I'm working on it.  I just know that if I keep doing crossfit and running, if I make the attempt everyday to eat healthy, that one of these days, things will click.  I have been down this road before.  After I had lost the first 80 pounds, I gained about 30 back.  It was perseverance that got the weight back off and perseverance will get it back off again.  

I have a wonderful support system, with Hubby, my friends, and now the crossfit community, so as long as I'm trying then I know they will be there for me.   

Tomorrow is the Governor's Cup 10k.  I don't feel ready for it, but ready or not, I'll finish the race.  It won't be my best race, but there's always next year to try for a personal best!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling for the moment.  With any luck, I will have some time on Sunday to post an update about the race. 

Until then, stay happy! 


  

Whining, stretching, and other good things

I think I may have spoken too soon about finally having some energy.  I do well the first part of the week, but by Thursday my energy level drops quit a bit and by Friday I'm exhausted.  Then I get a good night's sleep (and sleep more than my normal 7 to 7 1/2 hours), and I'm good to go.

Pretty pleased with the way my week turned out.  I finally got a full week of workouts and runs in.  I can't remember the last time I did that!  My schedule for this past week was:

• Sunday - 4 mile run
• Monday am - Crossfit
• Monday pm - Mobility
• Tuesday - Crossfit
• Wednesday - 2 mile run
• Thursday am - Crossfit
• Thursday pm - Mobility
• Friday - 3 mile walk/jog

Hoping this will be my schedule going forward.  It's doable for me and I enjoy having more to do than just walk and run.

Even with the great week of activity, I did do some whining along the way...  

I feel like all I do is whine about various aches and pains when I'm at crossfit.  But I've learned it's important to speak up because the coaches want to see people succeed, even if that means modifying or scaling back the workouts.  It's better for me to do the modified workouts than injure myself, and not be able to do them at all.

I tweaked my knee on the run on Wednesday but didn't really notice it until Thursday morning.  At crossfit we were doing "over the box jumps" as part of our warm up and all I did was step up on the box (was going to step up a couple of times before I attempted a jump) and felt a sharp pain in my knee.  I thought I just stepped wrong, so I walked in a place and tried again.  Same pain.  Just as bad.  And the more I tried to walk it off, the worse it got.  Had to modify my workout... again... because of it.  That's when the whining started.  At least, while at crossfit, most of the whining was internal, but on the car ride home I whined to Hubby about my knee, about having to modify every workout, about being tired, and feeling frustrated.  (And like lot of husbands, Hubby nodded sympathetically but knew enough to not say anything that would set me off!  LOL)

The pain in my knee continued all day and was nearly as bad when I first injured it over a year ago.  It was very frustrating me because I had been doing so well.

Thursday night we go to mobility and at the end of the class Kyle asked if we have any specific aches or pains we need to work on.  I tell him my knee is bothering me... again...  He asked what type of stretches I was doing and how often.  

Ugh.  

Yes, I stretch... but usually only after running.  That means I only stretch about two to three times a week. 

Yes, I know this is not enough.  And yes, I know I should be doing more.  

What can I say... I'm lazy.

Kyle had me do several stretches specifically for the knee pain I was experiencing.  I did them and Hubby and I headed home.  Once home, I went down several stairs, took a couple of steps, and realized that going down the stairs didn't hurt my knee.  When I got to our porch steps, I went up and down several times, which made my Hubby ask, "what are you doing?"  I responed in disbelief, "My knee doesn't hurt!"  It ached a bit, but I wasn't getting the sharp pains as I had been all day.  Hard to believe that just two stretches could make that much of difference.  Wow.

Needless to say, I've been a lot more diligent about stretching since then.  I still have a little ache and soreness, but not as bad as it was on Thursday.

I had wanted to do a three mile run on Friday morning but I was leery about running and causing more knee pain.  So I decided I would do a three mile walk, with a few spurts of jogging.  To keep me entertained, I decided to use an app on my phone that I haven't used for quite awhile... Zombies, Run!  This is a fun app because you listen to a story about the Zombie apocalypse and as you run, you can "collect" items and run from hordes of Zombies.  The app uses the music on your phone, GPS to track your miles, and will even calculate your steps.  Using the app, I walked and only ran whenever I needed to evade the Zombies.  It helped to make the time go by and got me moving a bit faster than I would have on my own.

This morning I went to the Weight Watcher meeting and weighed in.  I was down just .6, but I'm okay with that.  Last night I had a Mike's with dinner and I know I could have made better food choices throughout the week, so any loss is a good loss.  I just need to continue what I'm doing so I can see those little losses each week.

I am on day 6 of my 30 day personal challenge with Juli.  I am getting my step goal every day (okay, maybe not today, which is why I said I would shoot for 6 out of 7 days), drinking at least 64 oz of water, and tracking my food intake.  And with Hubby's urging, I have added one more daily goal to the list... to stretch.

All in all, and despite my whining, it's been a good week.  I'm happy with my activity level, making progress with my food, and I feel pretty good.

Just taking it one day at time.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Hello again!  Yep, I'm finally starting to get better at posting to my blog on a (somewhat) regular schedule.  Hopefully I will keep it up going forward.  

This week is starting out well.  Juli and I are doing a personal challenge for month of June.  We've each come up with a few daily goals to achieve and then will reward ourselves at the end of the month.  (Though Juli told me I couldn't use a cinnamon roll from Van's bakery as a reward... she's such a spoil sport!)

The goals I am working on are:

• Tracking my food every day, then taking a picture of my food journal and texting it to Juli
• Meeting my step goal of 11,000 steps 6 out of 7 days
• Drinking at least 64 oz of water per day

And I'm happy to report, I made those goals every day so far!  (Okay, yes, I realize it's only the 2nd of June, but I'm two for two!)

My reward for my hard work will be a pedicure.  Just in time for sandal weather!

As the title of the post suggests, I have some good news, some bad news, and other not so good stuff.

First the good news... I did a box jump today!  Two actually!  As I posted before, I have this weird, irrational, unreasonable fear of box jumps.  I've tried and tried, but I just couldn't seem to get my body to do what I wanted it to do.  I have no idea what happened today that I was able to overcome that.  It just happened.  And it happened on a day I was sore and questioning my compatibility with crossfit.  I was beginning to think that maybe crossfit just wasn't the right fit for me.  I've felt clumsy, out of place, and have had some new aches and pains along with my normal knee pain.  

Me, with the 8 lb wall ball

But this morning, it just clicked.  I did the two box jumps and then while doing the skill of the day (bent over rows and Good Mornings) the pain in my lower back finally went away.  Apparently I stretched it out with those movements.  I had to scale back the workout of the day, but I was proud of myself for completing all five rounds of the wall tappers, burpees and wall balls.  I was tired, hot, sweaty, and gasping for breath, but I finished!

So... maybe I was meant to do this crossfit stuff after all....

As for the bad, I'm still doing the comfort eating.  I had a headache today and indulged in some candy.  I was craving sugar and instead of looking for alternatives, I just dove into the candy.  Not only did it not make my headache go away (comfort eating never does, but I try it every time), but then I felt yucky from all the sugar.  I swear, some day I will learn to deal with comfort and emotional eating.  Apparently, today is not the day.  :-)

The ugly... well, that's more about the way I'm feeling.  I'm having a very hard time with the fact I have gained back so much weight.  I feel ugly... physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate feeling this way because I know the negative thoughts just lead me down that dark path of overeating,  feeling guilty, and overeating to compensate for the guilt.  It's just so hard to accept this is who I am at this moment but it's not who I will always be.  I will get the weight back off.  I will get back to the weight where I feel comfortable both with how I feel and how I look.  Like everyone else, I want that instant gratification.  I want the weight off now.  I want to feel good now.  But it takes time and patience.  And my Hubby will tell, patience is not one of my virtues!  LOL

Despite fighting the negative thoughts and self talk about my weight gain, I do feel good.  I feel like I am finally getting my energy level back.  Energy I haven't had since before my surgery.  When people were telling me it could take 4 to 6 months before my full energy level returned, I wasn't sure I really believed it.  I do now!  I actually have the energy to work out in the morning, get through 8 hours (usually more) of work, and still have energy to get a few things done around the house in the evening.  And that is a good feeling.

Getting this thirty pounds back off is going to be struggle.  It's going to be hard.  And it's going take a long time.  I just have to remind myself that weight loss isn't a race.  There's no finish line.  It's a journey, with a lot of detours and back tracking, trying to find the right path and even changes directions occasionally.  I need to look at this as an adventure.  I also have to remind myself of how far I've come.  I went from Queen of the Couch Potatoes, to an active person who runs, hikes, backpacks... and does crossfit!  

Who knows what road will I venture down next...