A normal Sunday

Good morning!  

Friday and Saturday were successes for me.  I got through both days by focusing on what I was capable of doing.  I tracked, drank water (though never enough) and got out for a couple of short walks here and there.  

Work on Friday was a lot tougher than I expected.  It was a beautiful spring day here in Montana (one of our first good days), so no one wanted to be stuck at work which made it difficult to focus. I didn't have any major projects to keep my mind from wandering or my eyes from glancing out the office window every five minutes. When I get that way, I tend to want to eat (boredom eating).  I struggled through and kept looking at MyFitnessPal app to remind me that I needed to save some calories for dinner.  

Yesterday went so much better than I expected.  I spent nearly 8 hours at the scrapbook crop and not only didn't eat any of the many treats they had (the snacks seem to multiple by the hour), I got out for two short walks.  Something I had never done before while at the crop.  The weirdest part was I wasn't really tempted by the treats... they had some awesome treats!  I don't know why, but I'm grateful for that.  Made it easier to get through the day.  Though if I could figure out why some days are like that and others are so tough, it would make this weight loss thing whole lot easier! 

Before going to the scrapbook crop, hubby and I went to Walmart to get our weekly groceries and so I could pick a couple healthy snacks to take the crop. I decided against some of the foods I would normally get (individual bags of baked chips, Breyers Natural Vanilla ice cream, and diet 7up) and got string cheese, fruits and veggies instead.  Made a last minute change on one of the dinners I had planned when I realized some of the ingredients didn't follow the follow the five or less rule.  The five or less refers to the ingredients in the product... a product should contain five or less natural (if possible) ingredients.  I hadn't realized how fair I had strayed from that guideline until yesterday.  

Still focusing on this weight loss one day at time.  Yes, my mind wanders and I try to visualize a future at a healthy weight, but I remind myself that this is going to be a long uphill battle and I need to focus on the moment.  I could make plans, set goals, and tell myself I'm do x, y and z by a certain date, but it won't happen.  It never does.  This moment is the only thing I have control over. 

How long will this new resolve, this positive attitude, last?  I have no idea.  I'm just going to enjoy it and take advantage of it while it's here.

This morning I stepped on the scale.  I told myself it was to make sure that our Aria Fitbit Scale was syncing with the app (which it did not do on Friday), but really it was see how I was doing. Which I know I shouldn't do; I still have that love/hate relationship the scale. How am I doing just 48 hours after weighing myself on Friday?  Down .8, that gives me that mental boost I need to keep going.  And yes, the scale did sync with the app today.  

My challenge for today?  My challenge today will be to get my steps in.  Sundays are the hardest day for me to get moving. I generally spend my time sitting... working on bills, working on my Lego business, taking a nap.  Not a very active day. And the weather here is so supposed to be cool and overcast, which doesn't make it very inviting to get out for a walk (but if I was running, it would be awesome weather for that). Tracking my food intake and drinking my water shouldn't be an issue, so I will need to focus on my steps and force myself out for a couple of walks around the neighborhood.  If hubby is around, I'm sure he will go with me which will make it easier to get outside. Always easier, when you make a plan with someone else.  

Huh... reading this over, I realize this is kind of a boring post.  But it is Sunday, just a quiet, boring day at home.  And not many people will read this anyway. I mentioned to my friend Sibyl yesterday that I was blogging again, but not posting the link to Facebook because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my weight gain.  She laughed and commented that I was stilling posting it to the internet where anyone could see it.  True, but what she doesn't realize is I don't get many hits on my post when I don't have the link in Facebook.  I get maybe 5 to 10 hits (I'm pretty sure most of those are just me, clicking to make sure the page looks good LOL).  I'm not even sure how those people (or you, the reader) find these posts.  Maybe once I feel like I'm really back on track and being successful more days than not, then I will start linking the post to Facebook for my friends and family to see.  I'm just not there yet.  

Okay, if you have gotten to this blog by mistake, or have come here intentionally, and have read this far, I want to say thank you!  Now, go out and enjoy the  rest of your day.  :-) 

Week 829.2 – Facing the scale and other ramblings

Here it is… day two of week 829.  I think blogging yesterday (for the first time in nearly a year) helped my attitude a bit.  Was able to focus on the things I could do, and I did them.  I tracked, drank more water than normal, and got a few more steps than the day before.  All positive things.

 

Since I was on my “feeling so good” high when I woke this morning, I decided I should face the scale.  The scale is something I have been avoiding lately.  Occasionally I would step on just to see how things were going (never good) and hop right back off, shove it in the corner, and berate myself for every bad thing I have done in the past five years.

 

If I weigh in, I try to do it on Thursday morning.  Thursdays were my Weight Watcher meetings for years.  And Thursday night is the night hubby and I go out to eat.  I didn’t weigh in yesterday morning because that was before I decided to try again (for the 1,891st time in the last five years). 

 

So, I faced the scale this morning.  And guess what? Today was no different.  Well, other than seeing a number on the scale that I hadn’t seen since 2004. I was not happy.  So, I hopped right back off, shoved it in the corner, and berated myself for every bad thing I had done in the past five years.

 

Hey, I’m consistent, if nothing else.

 

Once my pity party was over, I thought about it logically. (I am occasionally capable of rational thought, contrary to what my hubby may say)  I thought about everything I’ve eaten the past week or two (no moderation, no filter, very little healthy foods), and thought about the fact I ate out last night (somewhat healthy choices that fit into my calorie goal for the day).  I’m okay.  I’ll give it a week and see how it looks next week.

 

Me (2020-02-26)

Today should be an “easy” day for tracking, drinking my water and walking.   The only challenge I foresee if boredom eating while working on a mind-numbing project at work.  The challenge will be tomorrow.  A scrapbooking crop.  Friends, fun, and food.  Good food.  Hard to resist food.  I always go with a plan, but the plan seems to vanish after about 30 minutes of being there.  Tracking will be key to a successful outcome.  I'll just tell myself I can have whatever I want, but I must track it first.  If do that, then I will reconsider my choices.  Sounds good in theory, doesn’t it?  The other difficult part will be getting my steps in.  Scrapbooking, or any of my other hobbies, are sit-down activities.  I don’t have plan for walking….

 

I would say that I will write about how I did at the scrapbook crop but looking at my track record for writing blogs on a regular basis, please don’t hold your breath!

 

 

 

 

829 weeks

That’s how long I have been on this weight loss journey.  In that time, I lost over 120 pounds in 6

years, maintained a healthy weight for about 4 years, and then gained nearly all the weight back over a 5 year period.

I now find myself, 50 years old, fat and discouraged.  I am uncomfortable (physically and mentally), have daily aches and pains, chronic headaches, and get winded walking up a flight of stairs or bringing in the weekly groceries.

I hate (HATE) the way I look.  I hate the fact that I am back to wearing “women’s sized” clothes. I am embarrassed by the way I look, for the fact I gained the weight back, and to be seen eating or doing anything physical. 

This is not the person I want to be. 

Yes, I know how to lose the weight.  I know that I’m capable of doing it.  I even know how to maintain the weight once I lose it.

The problem lies in the things I don’t know how to do.   I don’t know how to stop eating.  I don’t when I’m satisfied, I only know when I’m full… or stuffed.  I don’t know how to handle strong emotions without eating.  I don’t know how to eat moderately.  I don’t know how to find the will power to say no or to walk away from tempting foods. I don’t know to handle physical pain without reaching for comfort foods.

These are the things that I have not learned to deal with.  These are the reason I’ve gained the weight back.

I wish I could say I was blogging to announce a new leaf, that I am starting over, that I have found ways to work through the things I don’t know. 

Yeah, I wish I could say those things.

But no.  I’m just here to vent, to cry, to express my frustration. 

I wake up every morning and think, “today is the day.  Today is the day I take my life back.”  Then it’s not.  I could tell you every excuse I use to avoid tracking, exercising, drinking my water and stretching.  I have a million of them.  And I’ve used them all… multiple times. 

So, what now?  I don’t know. 

I know I want to be back to that healthy woman. The woman who had energy, who was happy more than sad, that couldn’t wait to meet up with friends, that enjoyed going out and being a part of the world.  I want her back.  I’m just not sure how… 

For today, I can focus on tracking what I eat.  I can focus on getting more steps than yesterday.  I can focus on drinking my water.  I can focus on what I can do and not what I don’t know. 

That’s what I can do today.