Turn "Why" into "How"

I've been thinking about writing a blog post all week, but just haven't gotten to it until now.  Work keeps me busy and by the time I get home, do a few little chores, and have dinner, I have no energy left for anything else.  I keep hoping that my energy level will increase but for now, that seems about all I have.

Life is pretty much going the same for me. Good days and bad days.  Though I have to say, since the race last weekend, the days do seem to be going a bit better.  The race gave a me a boost and a mental push in the right direction.  Still not there, but better than I had been.

The week before the race was one of the worst for me, mentally.  I felt overwhelmed with work, I realized I was going to miss the annual girls weekend to Spokane for the Bloomsday Race due to work, and my knee was bothering me so bad that I wasn't even sure that I would be able to continue running.  All of which sent me into a spiral of bad eating, no exercise, and a bit of a depression.  Thank goodness for the half marathon.  Running that race came at just the right time for me.  It helped to prove to myself, I could still run and it gave me the confidence that I could get back on track.

While Juli and I were running the race we did quite a bit talking (want to spend uninterrupted time talking with a friend, go for run!).  She pointed out that a lot of my weight gain, stress, and lack of activity had more to do with my job than anything else.  I was stressing about the job, not getting out for walks on breaks, which was leading to overeating.  Which is true.  Since the re-org at work I have gained about 15 to 20 pounds... in just 4 months.  Sure, I had the surgery during that time, but the surgery only postponed my activity, my job is hindering it.  This week I made more of an effort to get out for a walk on my breaks and walking in the evenings to get my step goal.  My workouts and mid-week runs were still hit or miss depending on the day, but at least I got my step goal all but one day this past week.

Morning run, in spring snow

As for eating, I'm doing better.  Juli and I have made each other accountable by tracking what we eat, then taking a picture of our food journals each night and texting the pictures to one another.  We've done that for a week now and I have made better choices (most of the time) because of it.

Unfortunately, even with tracking my food, getting my step goal, and getting away from the office for some much needed breaks, I didn't do well at the scale.  I was down, but after gaining 4 1/2 pounds the previous week (hey, I told you it was a bad week for me!), I was really hoping for a loss of more than .6 so I could have some motivation to keep working at it.  The worst part of the week was when I had to buy new jeans, in a bigger size, because none of my pants fit anymore.  That was a bitter pill to swallow.

I am still struggling with that mentally, but I'm also trying to keep a positive attitude.  I will get the weight back off.  It's just going to take some time to find the right balance between work, exercise and food.  The job is not going to be any less stressful going forward, and there are going to be times when it's going to be overwhelming and I'm going to have to work long hours.  And like my Bloomsday weekend, there will be times I may need give up some fun things I may have planned because of my new job responsibilities.  I have to learn to deal with all that without turning to food.  I also need to learn to voice my concerns, vent to friends, and not keep those emotions bottled up so food feels like my only option.

This week I attended the Weight Watcher meeting twice because I really liked the topic.  I have been going to WW for 11 years now and I have heard some of the topics (quite literally) 20 to 30 times.  I'm always thrilled when there is a new topic.  This week is was Turn Your "Why" Into "How."  

The meeting started with the leader, Linda, asking us to throw out some "why" questions we ask ourselves.  Some of them that were said were:

• Why can't I lose weight?
• Why bother coming to the meetings each week when this doesn't seem to working?
• Why did I eat those cookies?
• Why do I continually make bad choices?
• Why can't I get back on track?  (this one is mine and I have repeated it in my blog countless times...)

Then Linda asked us how those questions made us feel.  My first thought was, "like a failure" and many members said similar things... discouraged, frustrated, depressed, etc.

I had never thought about it, but those "why" thoughts are very discouraging.  And not at all helpful.  Linda pointed out that we could spend all our time trying to figure out "why" but there may never be an answer.  Basically, we'll just get stuck trying to find the answer and not focus on what we need to do.

She then asked us to change these questions to "how" instead of "why." So the questions became:

• How can I lose weight?
• How can I get the most out of the meetings?
• How can I avoid those cookies?  (or How can I have those cookies and still stay on program?)
• How can I make better choices?
• How can I get back on track?

She asked how those questions made us feel.  I felt like those questions put me in control of the situation.  I was no longer the victim.  Those were action questions, questions I could answers, and questions that would lead to doing.

I never stopped to think that my pondering the why... why can't I get back on track, why can't be in control, why can't I make it one day without overeating... that it was actually causing problems, not solving them.  

I am trying to be more aware of it when I ask myself why (why can't I have  weekend where I'm productive and not feel like a slug?) and remind myself to turn that why into how (how can I have a productive weekend?).  I'm definitely not there yet, but it's  given me something to think about.

I feel like I am pressuring myself to get this extra 25 pounds off as fast as I can.  Which is ridiculous.  I'm just setting myself up for failure.  I need to take a deep breath, exhale, and remind myself that I have the rest of my life to get the weight off.  I need to get back to the place where I love myself for who I am now.  I am still me.  People don't think any less of me because I've gained weight back, so I shouldn't think any less of myself.  If it takes me six years to get this weight back off, so be it.  As long as I am true to myself and happy with who I am now, time doesn't matter.

I did it... again

I use this blog to keep me accountable, to vent, to laugh, to cry.  More of an online journal than anything else.  I use it to express the ups and downs of my weight loss (and weight gain).  I put it out there for the public so that maybe it will help someone else going through the same struggles.  To let them know they are not alone.  And knowing you are not alone, can be a motivator to keep going. The "if that person can do it, I can too" mentality.  Or maybe seeing my pitfalls and detours on this weight loss journey will help someone else avoid the same mistakes.

What I did not except in putting my ramblings out there for all to see what the concern my friends would have for me when my blogs became a bit more... well, lack of a better term... depressing.  
Let me just to say to my friends, and whomever else may be reading this blog, I really am okay.  Yes, I'm struggling with my weight.  But as someone who has spent nearly her whole life as overweight (or obese, even morbidly obese), I will get through this.  For me, this is just another detour on my weight loss journey.  Also, thank you.  Thank you for your concern, your support, your love.  I can't tell you how many times I received a text or email that was so full of love and concern that it brought tears to my eyes.  I have said it before and I'll say it again, I have the best support system there is!  

I did have a rough week (or two... guess it's been nearly two weeks since my last blog).  And I'm still not mentally in the right place to get back on track, but I'm getting there.  Slowly, but I can feel it happening.

Eating healthy still isn't happening (though the last few days have been a bit better), and with the exception of yesterday, activity is nearly at all time low.

So... what to do when I'm not eating healthy and not exercising? 

For me, apparently that means completing another half marathon.  

Without properly fueling the week before, barely making 5,000 steps a day, no work outs, no pre-race runs, I go out and do another half marathon.

Yes, I had a doubts.  At 4 in the morning the day of the race, I kept thinking, "what the hell am I doing?"  And I was pretty sure those thoughts were loud enough to wake my husband.  At 9 1/2 weeks after major surgery, with just a 4.72 mile training run completed, and nearly 15 pounds heavier than the last race in January, I was going to run/walk (shuffle/crawl) 13.1 miles?  Who does something like that?

Myself, Sibyl, and Juli before the start of the race

I do.

And I did.

With the help of my awesome support system.  My Hubby, Juli, and Sibyl all believed I could do it.  Sure, I wouldn't be fast, but I could finish.  Which is always my goal.

Part of me wanted to do this so I could show my wonderful support system that I am not just some whiny person, sitting around grumbling about my weight and knee pain.  But a big part of me wanted to do this to prove to myself I could.  That I am still someone capable of being a healthy person.  I can lose weight.  I can be active.  I can achieve the things I strive for.

And I am that person.  Okay, if I'm honest, I will always be that whiny person... my friends are well aware that I am more often than not a complainer and a pessimist (and thank god they overlook that personality flaw or would have no friends!  LOL).

Yesterday I put aside the complaining and whiny (for the most part), I tried my best to fill myself with self-confidence and the can-do attitude that I know I have (but don't use nearly as much as I should), and headed out for another race.  Yesterday I did my 18th half marathon, and my 6th Salt Lake Half Marathon.  

Last year, Juli and I ended up walking the whole race because of my knee pain, and that was when we discovered that walking 13 miles at a 15 min/mile pace is more painful than running 13 miles.  And we both vowed we would never do that again.  

And yet, yesterday I made up mind I would walk all 13 miles if I had to, but the goal was to run more than last year.  

As I have done a lot of this weight loss journey, I surprised even myself at what I'm capable of doing.

Juli and I set out at a slow run (or medium fast jog... or maybe just a really fast walk), and continued that for a mile or so, I walked down the hills to baby my knee, and after the first mile of continuous running, we did a 4 minute run/1 mile walk.  

I did have some doubts about completing the race, but I kept them to myself since Juli was on a "tough love" mission with me and would not have put up with any negative self talk.  Every time I felt that running the race was a mistake, I kept it myself.   I kept my complaints about my knee pain to a minimum, but did have to walk a few times until I was able to continue running.  I did tell Juli several times to ditch me and just run at her own pace, but she stuck with me for 10 miles, until it was clear to both of us, I didn't have much speed left in me and I would need to walk more than run.  So for the last three miles, a simple little 5K, I was on my own.  Which meant I could get all depressed about feeling tired, achy, and completely drained, or I could look at everything I had overcome to get that far.  And I decided to look at the positive.  I would complete the race, and I would do it less time than I had last year even if I walked the last three miles.  I was out there running 2 1/2 months after my hysterectomy.  I was once again, doing something that I couldn't have done just 7 or 8 years ago.  

So I walked, ran when I could, and persevered.   I finished the race, collected my medal, and got a big hug from Juli. 

I certainly didn't break any personal records, but I finished this race faster than I did the Star Wars Half Marathon in January.  And it gave me a new feeling of accomplishment.  

Like I said earlier, I'm not quite where I need to be mentally to get back on track, but I can feel myself getting closer.  My eating was good the day before the race and yesterday.  Not great, still too many grains and few things I should have skipped, but no where near as bad as it was the week before.  I'm getting there.  Completing 13.1 miles has a tendency to change your perspective on things.  It did for me. 

Best of all, I can said I completed another half marathon.  Yep, I did it...again.  

That deja vu feeling

I'm sure that's how people feel reading my blog.  Same theme, new post.  Yep, here I am again, slip sliding off the wagon.  Again.  For the umpteenth time.  And if I'm sick of listening to myself talk about this, I can only imagine how my friends feel! 

I did great until Saturday.  I had a plan.  And the day started out well enough.  Sure, I didn't get up and work out as I had planned, but I went to the Weight Watcher meeting, connected with friends, came home to a healthy breakfast, and got out for a mile walk. 

Then I'm not sure what happened.  Things are kind of hazy.  I did start the day on a productive, positive note.  I did a few chores... then the tired, no energy feeling hit me.  And hit me hard.  I had not planned on being tired, so I had no back up plan, no Plan B to get me through.  So, I did what I always do.  I sat around and ate, instead of just taking a nap.  When will I learn this is not a "plan" or even an acceptable way to deal with being tired?  Apparently, never. 

My only saving grace for the day is we have no junk food (okay, a little junk food, stashed away, out of sight) in the house.  I overate on healthy foods... but high in calorie, Paleo snacks.  Okay, I can deal with that.

Then dinner out.  I stuck to my pre-planned meal, which I had in my tracker.  What I didn't count on was the ice cream cake.  Have I mentioned all the times I didn't give into temptation in the previous week?  All the times I was able to say no to favorite foods?  Well, apparently my resolve ends at ice cream cake.  A favorite of mine.  Who can resist ice cream?  In the form of cake?  Especially when it's offered, free of charge.  The advantage to living in a fairly small town, you know a lot of people, if not by name, then by sight.  We were sitting at a local restaurant and there was a group of women having a baby shower.  One of the hosts of the shower is a waitress at the local brewery that Hubby goes to nearly every week, so she offered Hubby and I a piece of the ice cream cake since there was more than enough for the shower guests.  Hubby more than likely would have said no had I not been there, but I couldn't.  It was ice cream cake.  I can pass on chips and salsa.  I can say no to Girl Scout Samoa cookies.  Ice cream cake?  Nope, that's where I draw the line... no saying no to ice cream cake.

Hubby and I shared the piece and for the most part that was the only "bad" food I had on Saturday, but it put me way, way over my calorie goal.  Plus I hadn't done my planned workout for the day.  Not my best day, but in the scheme of things, not too bad either.

Sunday I woke up tired, achy, and cranky.  I was due to run with Juli at ten and I kept hoping she would back out (giving me a reason not to run).  No such luck.  I went, but mentally I was bitching and moaning the whole time.  I didn't want to be out there, my knee hurt, I was cold, etc.  Yet, in reality, it wasn't a bad a run.  Sure, my knee hurt, but the rest of me felt good, my breathing was good, and considering it snowed later in the day, it wasn't a bad time to run.  I'm glad I went, because I know if I hadn't, I would have kicked myself all day for not doing it. 

As for my eating on Sunday, again it was the healthy Paleo type snacks... just too many servings of bigger than normal portions.  Yes, it could have been worse, but me being me, I beat myself up for not making better choices. 

Yesterday was another day I struggled to hang onto the wagon before I truly slipped off.  I didn't track, ate more than I should have, got into my secret stash of chocolate, and didn't work out.  I did walk with Windy (and like Juli, didn't give me the opportunity to back out it!) so I got some steps in though I didn't make step goal.

So what's today like?  I woke up with headache (darn allergies!) so working out didn't happen, but once I had some Excedrin Migraine, black tea, and long hot shower, I did get on treadmill for a (very slow) walk before leaving for work.  I got out for my morning walk and will be walking with Windy at lunch again today.  Which means I will get my step goal.  The food?  Well, that remains to be seen.  So far, so good. 

What does all this mean?  That I haven't totally fallen off the wagon, just hanging on for dear life.  All this straining to hold on is putting me in a funk, giving me a bad attitude about everything.  And I hate feeling like this way.  Usually a bad attitude will lead to overeating, which leads to feeling worse, which leads to comfort eating, which leads to...

See?  Deja vu.  The same place I have been for the last year or two.  A cycle that seems to be getting harder and harder to break.  One that I have to continue to work on breaking if I don't want to gain all the weight back.

Kind of depressing post, huh?  Never fear, if I can make it through today, I know that tomorrow will be a better, happier, more positive day.  So please... hang in there with me.  When I get back on the wagon, I will be cheering and having happy thoughts.  I just need get in a better position on that wagon so I'm no longer hanging on for dear life, but can ride comfortably knowing that the next bump won't knock me off.

And thank you to my friends who are helping to hold me in the wagon.  Without you, I would have let go a long time ago.

Day 6 and counting

Mister likes to keep me company while I write my blog

Yep, 6 days of doing well.  Okay, I'm not quite through Day 6, but I'm confident I can get through the evening without going off program.

I got to thinking last night after I posted to my blog how I tend to be very sporadic with writing my blog when things aren't going well for me, but more consistently when I'm feeling good and following plan.  I really should write more when I'm struggling because it generally helps to work through whatever is causing me to go off program.  

It's the same thing with the Weight Watcher meetings.  I am great about going when I doing well (or even, "just okay"), but I am hesitant about going when I'm struggling or know I've gained.  Yet those are the times I need to go.  I need to be there.   I'm always glad when I push myself to get to the meetings during those times, because I generally walk out feeling better than when I walked in.  Which is why I hope to catch another meeting in the morning.  Might be a good way to stay accountable and to help me get through the weekend.  Weekends are always a challenge for me.  I'm out of my normal work week routine, I'm home where food is readily available, and if I don't keep busy, I tend to snack way too much.  

My plan for this weekend is to make a list of things I would like to get done (both chores and fun stuff) so I won't get bored or sit in front of the TV all weekend.  If the weather cooperates, I may even get outside and get started on prepping our garden.  More than likely, I will spend time scrapbooking or working on my latest Lego kit.  Both are great ways to keep my hands and mind busy.

If all else fails... then I will write another blog post to keep me accountable and on track.

My successes for today:

Mister and I mug for my camera

• Met my step goal for the 6th day in a row
• Tracked my food on Myfitnesspal.com for the 6th day in a row
• Ran 3.0 miles in 38:08 (okay, not the greatest time, but I'm just thrilled I got up and did it this morning!)
• I didn't eat the York Peppermint Patties that my supervisor gave me as an afternoon pick-me-up
• I didn't comfort eat even though I had a headache part of the day

Not great successes, but they're mine!  

Stay happy!

One little pound

I did what I said I would.  I went to the Weight Watcher center this morning, faced the scale and stayed for the meeting.

I'm glad I did.  I love the women at that the early morning meeting.  They are funny, insightful, energetic, and always willing to listen and offer advice.  This would be the reason I pay $45 a month.  And it's worth it.

Facing the scale was a bit scary, but I did.  And since my last official WW weigh in (two weeks ago), I was down one pound.  A glorious, wonderful pound.  A pound I am thankful for and will hopefully be motivation for another good week.

Why am I happy about one little pound?  Because when going over my week, it's miraculous I lost that pound.  I only tracked my food 4 out of 7 days.  The 4 days I did track, I was over my calorie goal (not a lot, but everyday was 50 to 400 calories over).  Plus, I have my calorie goal set to lose 1/2 pound per week.   And, let's not forget that I was up even more at my doctor appointment last week and more than that on Saturday when I weighed at home.  If I had weighed in last week, this week's weight loss may have been even more.  

So, yes, I'm very happy with my one little pound.  I'm going to remember that one little pound and use it as my anchor to do well again this week.  

Was this the turning point I have been looking for?  Was this the "click" to get me back on track?  I don't know.  I've had a few good weeks in the last couple of years as I have slowly gained back some of my lost weight, I feel it's much too early to tell if this is "it."  

For now, I want to glow in this feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I can do this, that I will do this.  

I did have several successes today besides the number on the scale:

• Stayed for the meeting and participated in the discussion
• Avoided the office temptation (today it was Easter candy, Hershey Kisses and Reese's Peanut butter Eggs)
• Tracked everything I ate, including my dinner out with Hubby
• Met my step goal for the 5th day in a row

I am confident I can make it through the rest of the evening on track.  And now I need to go because I have a little wobbly kitty in need of some major attention before he passes out from neglect (or at least he thinks so...).

Going through the motions

Thank you, Juli, for posting this on my Facebook wall   :-)

After my blog on Saturday, I spent the day scrapping with friends.  Lots of smiles, laughs... and food.  Even after I blogged about my frustrations with my weigh loss (or lack there of) and my attitude in general, I still was not ready to get back to it.  

When I got home from the scrapbook crop, I was feeling a bit full (pizza and snacks will do that), so I held off on having dinner until I was truly hungry.  The first time I had done that in several weeks.  That was a step in the right direction.

On Sunday, I thought about ways I could motivate myself.  Something that would be incentive to have a good day.  I decided on the "carrot in front the horse" approach.  Rewarding myself with food was definitely out, but what else was there?  Well, the day before I found out the the website that I use to order digital scrapbooking kits will discontinue their digital sales at the end of April.  I have a bunch of kits on my wish list.  I decided that for every good day (meaning I have tracked, workout out, and met my step goal), I could buy a kit off my wish list.  

Usually this kind of incentive doesn't always work for me, but since I only have a month to pick and choose from my wish list, it seems to be working.  Well, at least it has for the last four days.

I don't feel as though I've made any type of mental shift.  I still don't feel gung-ho to get back into weight loss routine nor have I had the "click" that happens when losing weight feels almost easy, natural.  Nope.  None of that.  I'm just a horse trying to reach the carrot.  I'm just going through the motions.  Doing the things I must do in order to stay on track and lose weight.

The other thing that happened on Sunday, was a beautiful text message from my friend Mary.  She read my blog, then took the time to text me about the Saturday morning Weight Watcher meeting (the one I didn't go to because I was feeling sorry for myself).  It was a great reminder about why I have continued with Weight Watchers all these years.  And why I have continued to go to the meetings the last couple of years, even when I wasn't following their food plan.  I go for the people.  The people that have touched my life (like Mary, Kathryn, Windy, Kay, Sandy, Bobbie, Barb, Linda, and many more) and to possibly touch the lives of those who attend the meetings.  The meetings are a give and take, in way that is both subtle and extreme.  

Which means, thanks to Mary, I will be going to the Weight Watcher meeting tomorrow.  I will be facing the scale and staying for the meeting.  I need the WW meetings, as much as the meeting needs me.  

Some successes this week as I go through the motions of getting back on track:

• I have meet (and surpassed) my daily step goal of 10,500
• Yesterday, while at the Mexican restaurant for lunch, I did not have any chips and salsa (first time ever I have not indulged in the pre-meal chips and salsa), and made a healthy choice on the entree (thanks for the suggestion, Sibyl!)
• I did not take a cookie when offered it to me...several times... yesterday (Girl Scouts Samoa cookie, my favorite!!)
• I did not eat any of the homemade brownies brought into our office
• I have worked out or ran the last four mornings.

So regardless of what the number on the scale tomorrow, I will keep these things in mind.  They are a measure of my true success!