The vicious cycle of food and negative self talk continues

It's been nearly a week since my last entry.  But, in my defense, when I started this blog the goal was to post at least once a week.  If I get this out today, I'm still hitting my goal!

The last two and a half weeks have been a major struggle to for me.  With food, with exercise, with attitude.  Everything seems to be going badly and I just can't seem to get back on track.  Which may be why I haven't been writing as many posts.  I'm tired, rundown, and feel embarrassed by all that I have been eating.  I don't want to look bad to my friends and peers. 

On top of all the struggles with food, I'm now beating myself up with a lot of negative self talk.  Which just perpetuates the food issues... overeat, feel guilty about it, eat to comfort those feelings, feel guilty... It's never ending.  Because I'm eating foods I shouldn't be eating (or eating foods in quantities I shouldn't be), I have gained weight, I'm bloated, and covered in hives.  You would think that would be an excellent deterrent to get me back on track.  Nope.  Not me.  I kept thinking, "since I already feel terrible, it won't hurt to eat this..." Then after eating, the guilt sets in.  And the cycle continues.

I'm just 11 days away from my next half marathon and not only am I not ready physically, I'm not ready mentally.  I haven't been running nearly enough.  Saturday's 9 mile training run turned into a 4.7 mile run, in which I was tired and felt like my legs were made of lead (though that may have been a precursor to the flu I got on Monday).  I know that I can finish the half marathon, but I'm not sure how well I will do.  I was hoping to do well, but with not getting my full training runs in and my intermittent knee issues (not too mention all the walking we will do through the Disney parks prior to the race), I just have no idea if I will be running more than walking or vice versa.  I hate the thought of slowing up my husband even more than normal, because I know he enjoys running the races and getting a decent pace time throughout.  He's told me it's not a big deal and he will just hang back with me if I want him to, but I don't feel that's fair. 

Add the mental stress of the race to the food stress, it just adds one more layer to the cycle that I seem to be stuck in. 

I love my friends for trying to help me out of this cycle, but I don't want to hear, "just get back on track" or "go for a walk instead of eat" or "you know what to do, just do it."  I know all that.  Hearing it just makes me feel more like a failure because I'm unable (or unwilling) to do those things at this time in my life.

I want to get back on track, I really do.  I tell myself every morning (and afternoon, and evening) that this is the moment I get back on track, but then another part of me starts saying it's okay to have that one piece of candy, that one bite of cake, that extra helping of healthy snacks ("it's healthy, so go for it!").  Instead of listening  to the sane, rational, this-is-what-I-need-to-do voice, I listen to the idiot side of me that says, "it's okay to eat crap, after all, you already feel like crap so what difference does it make?"

Guess there really isn't a point to this post, just that I am here.  I am struggling.  I am unsure of what to do next. 

It's times like this I am reminded of something that someone once told me years ago when I was struggling to get to goal.  "As long as you are struggling, you haven't given up."  No, I haven't given up.  I know that by giving each day (or each moment) my best effort, whatever that may be at the time, I will eventually find the path that gets me back to where I want to be.