Crossfit seems to be taking over my life at the moment. I try to go three mornings a week, to mobility on Monday evenings, and now they have started a endurance class which Hubby and I attend on Tuesday and Thursdays. Throw in my regular walks and trying to get two or three runs in a week and I feel like all I do is workout.
And all was going good until this past week. Then the knee pain came back, with a vengeance. Most likely the pain is from over use and not enough stretching and mobility, but it hit me hard this week.
Over use... which started last Sunday with a 9.5 to 10 mile hike (with a 2200+ gain in elevation), then crossfit on Monday and Tuesday, endurance class Tuesday night (with 200 meter sprints), and then I attempted to run on Wednesday morning but was only able to walk and barely ran at all. I was exhausted. Since I had some work that had to be done before the long weekend, I skipped crossfit on Thursday morning with the plan to go on Friday at noon. Thursday is when the soreness in my knee increased to the point I was in pain. I still did the endurance class, but I wasn't able to do the running portion at a speed I would have liked. By Friday morning, my knee hurt just walking around the house, so I decided to go for a walk instead of going to crossfit.
Even the walk was painful. I did about five minutes or so and headed home. My right knee hurt, the top of left foot hurt, and my hips weren't far behind on the list of complaints. I was exhausted, in pain, and felt like crap, both physically and emotionally.
On top of the aches and soreness the past couple of weeks, I have also been steadily gaining weight.
I have found myself caught in the vicious cycle of gaining weight, feeling bad about gaining weight, eating to comfort myself because of the weight gain, then gaining even more weight. A cycle I have been stuck in for months (with a few days or even a week of eating well). It's getting more and more out of control, leading a five pound gain in just over a week's time.
I don't like the way I feel emotionally. I feel out of control, unhappy, and at times, depressed. I don't like the way I feel physically. I know a lot of the aches, pains, and soreness is from trying to do crossfit with this extra weight. I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life. But I'm not in good enough shape to pushing myself as hard as I do.
I love the feeling accomplishment when I complete a crossfit workout. I love that I prove to myself every time I walk into that gym that I can do. But I don't like the fact that I feel so crappy later in the day. I'm sure part of my overeating is also to comfort myself from the physical pain as well.
Why? Why am doing this myself? Who knows... I need to quit asking myself why and figure out how I can change this. So that's what I'm trying to focus on. Going back and doing the things that work. And hope that eventually things will click and I will get back on track. My worst fear is that will gain all the weight back. I do NOT want to go back to being 252 pounds and unable to do the simplest of activities.
I've done fairly well since Friday. I'm back to tracking on myfitnesspal (I did fairly well for most of the month of June, just missed a few days here and there). I have been doing my stretches every evening. I am making sure I drink at least 64 oz of water during the day. I'm also cutting back on grains and sugars again. Hubby and I think that part of my knee pain on Friday may have been caused by the foods I ate on Wednesday and Thursday. I went overboard with grains and sugars...
I've gained a lot of weight since my surgery in February. I'm not sure of the reasons for that, other than I let all my old, bad habits back into my life. And I'm finding they are even harder to break than the first time around.
These last few months have been a struggle and major detour on my weight loss journey. I am not anywhere I want to be, yet I have found some new, exciting adventures. I've started crossfit, I'm more knowledgeable about how to deal with the knee pain and what I need to do about it, and I've discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought.
So, as always I'm conflicted with the pain and humiliation of gaining so much weight back, but I feel good about the progress I've made at crossfit in the last couple of months. I'm sad, yet happy. I'm exhausted, yet exhilarated. I've gained some weight, yet I've become stronger, more confident.
A lot of rambling in this post tonight, but no clear direction... and I apologize for that. This is how I have been feeling lately. My weight loss journey will never end. I will always struggle with finding the right balance of food and exercise. I will always fight to keep the weight off. It's a fight worth fighting.
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