I am one of "those" people

Usually before I start typing a blog entry, I have clear idea what I want to write about.  Not today.  I haven't a clue where to start.  

It's been months since I last wrote anything.  I thought about it in May when Sibyl pointed out it had been over a month since my last entry.  I considered blogging then, but had nothing to say.

I thought about in June when I completed the 10K.  I thought about it in the last month as I begin training for the 14 mile trail run (or in my case, 14 mile slow, hope-I-don't-die hike).  

Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last three months.  And a lot of eating.  A LOT of eating.

As of this morning, I am up 56.8 pounds from my lowest point.  

I have become one of "those" people.  One of "those" people that have lost over 100 pounds, but gained some or all of the weight back. 

I never understood how some one could put all the time, energy, and yes, even money, to lose weight and then gain it back.  

Now I get it.

I'm sure a lot of people think it's because "those" people are lazy.  "Those" people have no will power. 

Honestly, that may be part of it.  I do feel lazy most days.  I feel like all my drive, motivation, energy, and will power have taken a permanent vacation.  But it is so much more than that.  It's all the emotions tied to food.  It's years of eating to avoid dealing with emotions.  It's all the bad habits surrounding food sneaking (or in some cases, rushing) back into my life.  It's being sick and tired of counting calories, eating the "right" foods, making sure to get enough activity during the day, and tracking each little bite.  It's being stuck in the vicious cycle of overeating, feeling guilty about overeating, then eating because I feel bad, gaining weight, eating more.  It's about not feeling worthy enough to be at a healthy weight.  It's all that and so much more.

So now I get it.  I get why "those" people gain the weight back.  I am one of "those" people.

In the last couple of years I have used every excuse in the book as to why I have gained the weight back.  I have excuses.  Tons of them.  But when it comes down to it, I have no idea why I keep gaining weight.  I don't want to.  I really don't.  I get up every morning and think, "today is the day I get back on track.  Today is the day that I start losing weight."  Then I think about how long it took me to lose the weight the first time, I look at how much I have to lose, and I get depressed.  And because I still, after all these years, cannot deal with emotions without food, I eat.  I gain more weight.  I get more depressed.  I eat more.  

And then one day I wake up, and I am 56 pounds heavier.  

I'm not a stupid person.  I know what I need to do to get the weight off.  I have the knowledge and experience to get the weight off and to keep it off.  I have the tools to help through the process.  I have the love and support of my Hubby and friends for this journey.

I am not getting any younger.  I want to head into my "Golden Years" a healthier person than I am today.  I want to be able to enjoy my retirement.  I want the energy to enjoy my grandsons and nieces, be able to keep up with Hubby, wear all those clothes in my closet that no longer fit, and be able to walk, hike, and run without feeling all the extra weight I'm carrying around.  

I want all that yet, but everyday I sabotage myself, getting myself farther and farther away from those things.  

I so badly want to say that today will be different.  That today will be the day I get back on track, but I'm not sure I believe it.  I've had too many days of disappointment in myself.  I have lost the confidence to lose the weight.  The want and desire are there, but negativity seems to be greater than the positives.  

And so I end this blog the same way I started it, with the confusion of not knowing... all my thoughts rambling around in my head and still no direction.  Still not sure of where or how to start over.  Or even if I have it in me to do so...