829 weeks

That’s how long I have been on this weight loss journey.  In that time, I lost over 120 pounds in 6

years, maintained a healthy weight for about 4 years, and then gained nearly all the weight back over a 5 year period.

I now find myself, 50 years old, fat and discouraged.  I am uncomfortable (physically and mentally), have daily aches and pains, chronic headaches, and get winded walking up a flight of stairs or bringing in the weekly groceries.

I hate (HATE) the way I look.  I hate the fact that I am back to wearing “women’s sized” clothes. I am embarrassed by the way I look, for the fact I gained the weight back, and to be seen eating or doing anything physical. 

This is not the person I want to be. 

Yes, I know how to lose the weight.  I know that I’m capable of doing it.  I even know how to maintain the weight once I lose it.

The problem lies in the things I don’t know how to do.   I don’t know how to stop eating.  I don’t when I’m satisfied, I only know when I’m full… or stuffed.  I don’t know how to handle strong emotions without eating.  I don’t know how to eat moderately.  I don’t know how to find the will power to say no or to walk away from tempting foods. I don’t know to handle physical pain without reaching for comfort foods.

These are the things that I have not learned to deal with.  These are the reason I’ve gained the weight back.

I wish I could say I was blogging to announce a new leaf, that I am starting over, that I have found ways to work through the things I don’t know. 

Yeah, I wish I could say those things.

But no.  I’m just here to vent, to cry, to express my frustration. 

I wake up every morning and think, “today is the day.  Today is the day I take my life back.”  Then it’s not.  I could tell you every excuse I use to avoid tracking, exercising, drinking my water and stretching.  I have a million of them.  And I’ve used them all… multiple times. 

So, what now?  I don’t know. 

I know I want to be back to that healthy woman. The woman who had energy, who was happy more than sad, that couldn’t wait to meet up with friends, that enjoyed going out and being a part of the world.  I want her back.  I’m just not sure how… 

For today, I can focus on tracking what I eat.  I can focus on getting more steps than yesterday.  I can focus on drinking my water.  I can focus on what I can do and not what I don’t know. 

That’s what I can do today.