I'm loathe to say it...

Okay, I really don't want to say I'm "starting over" or "back on track."  I am very much aware of how many times I've said that in the last 4 to 5 years.  


So instead... how about I say "I'm changing my behavior."  And let me add, I'm still in the "honeymoon" phase of this round of trying to do better for myself.  

(And that looks like a lot of quotes for two short paragraphs!)

Like a lot of people, I'm struggling with everything that is going on in the world right now.  The virus, protests, the mishandling of both of those and many other things.  All of it is very depressing, and I handled this depression like I always do... by eating.  

And guess what?  That didn't work... didn't stop me from trying though...

My weight, which had been going up quickly anyway, was starting to concern me.  That was a relatively new feeling.  For months (years), I've manage to ignore my weight gain whenever possible.  You would think that would be a difficult thing to do since it's my body.  But it's surprisingly simple... first, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror.  And if I do need to look in the mirror, I stick with looking from the neck up.  Second, I stopped getting on the scale.  My weight wouldn't go up if I didn't step on the scale....right?  Third, I avoid seeing people who knew me "before" to eliminate any possible embarrassment. That became the best part about being quarantined... less likely to run into people out and about.  

All of that was working for me... until it wasn't.  I realized I could no longer do any of the things that made me truly happy... hiking, fishing (stream fishing, lots of walking), backpacking, running.  I was getting tired just walking around Walmart.  I was continually in pain or sick, constant headaches, and just feeling miserable.  I could no longer ignore what was going on.  

Over the course of several weeks, I contemplated what I could do.  I knew what worked for me to lose the weight in the past, I knew what worked to maintain a healthy weight.  I weighed the pros and cons of what I could do and what I should do.  Then my self-doubt kicked in.  How many times have I started over?  How many times did I jump back into the same routine, only to quit a week or a month later?  Did I really want to do that again?  I could do Weight Watchers (or WW as it's now known) online, but that never worked for me.  I needed the interaction of the meetings... which are now stopped for an indefinite amount of time.  And really, would I walk back into the WW center having gained nearly all the weight I lost?  Just the thought filled me with shame and embarrassment.  (Even though, logically, I know no one would say anything, and people would be as happy to see me as I would be to see them).  

What could I do?  What could I do that would get me in the right mindset to move past all the negative thoughts? 

I decided I would dust off my old Beck Diet Solution book and do some of the daily activities in that while I contemplated my options.  I could try WW online, Noom, just counting calories on MyFitnessPal.com, eating clean, or re-trying the Whole 30 or 21 Day Sugar Detox.  

I dug out the Beck Diet Solution book and found the 100 Days of Weight Loss book as well.  I decided on whim to give them both a try.  Why not?  The only thing I had to lose was weight.  (Bad jokes... I got 'em!).

Then, I had to figure out when I was going to work on the books.  Each book has a daily section with an "assignment" to do during the day.  I know from experience that the Beck Diet Solution (here on out to be known as BDS) would take about 10 - 15 minutes a day.  I assumed the other book would take that long as well.  When could I set aside 30 minutes to work on improving myself?  I thought about my current schedule... get up, work on the Lego business, log into work (I'm fortunate enough to have a job that allows me to work from home during this time), work from 7-3, work on Lego from 3 - 5 or 6, eat dinner, and crash on the couch (hey, don't judge... by 6 pm I've worked 11 to 12 hours!).  

I decided to give up my hour in the morning that I worked on my Lego business to focus on me.  Using my past experience, I know that focusing on healthy behaviors in the morning keeps me focused throughout the day.  Less likely to go astray.  

I figured since I was going to use that time for me, I might as well go for 15 - 30 minute walk as well.  

Making that decision, I moved forward with my plan.  Work on the weight loss books (both books are meant to help create healthy behaviors so you can more easily stick to your weight loss plan).  In fact, the BDS doesn't have you start your diet until Day 15.  Perfect!  Gave me time to think about what I wanted to do.  

I started all this 18 days ago.  Yeah, so only 18 days into it... but I feel great.  Since starting I've only had one major headache (day 1, when I decided to not have any sugar) and two minor headaches since then.  3 headaches in 18 days is an awesome record for me! 

I started walking in the morning... slowly building up from 15 minutes to 30 minutes.  I am very slow, but I remind myself (as does the FitBit dashboard) that I have increased my steps by over 50% from the previous 28 days.  I am making the time to get out and walk... and even 5 minutes at a slow pace is better than zero minutes.  I have made a couple of mental long term goals in connection with my activity, but for now I'm keeping them to myself (well, me, Hubby, and best friend).  I want to focus on what I can do right now and not get distracted by what I want to do later.  

Since the BDS gave me the 15 days before starting a diet, I used that time to focus on healthy behaviors.  The one that has made the biggest impact, by far, is the "sit at the table" rule.  So simple, but for me a game changer.  I have to sit at the table anytime I want to eat.  Even a snack.  Even a bit of cookie.  I sit at the table with limited distractions (more on that in a second).  I noticed once I had to do that, I would rethink anytime I had the urge to eat.  "Am I really hungry?"  "Do I want to stop what I'm doing to sit at the table?" "Is the hunger at such a level I am willing to stop this activity?"  More times than not, I would just shrug off the urge to eat and keep doing whatever it was I was doing before the thought to eat hit me.  

I did figure out very quickly, what I can and can't do while sitting at the table to eat.  One of the other BDS steps is to eat slowly and mindfully (this one is still difficult for me).  I have figured out I can't have a screen in front of me (no TV, computer, tablet or phone).  I can't read a book either (I tend to shovel the food in while reading).  I can listen to an audio book, converse with Hubby, or listen to the radio and still eat slowly and mindfully.  

I've learned to slow down my eating by setting my fork/spoon down between bites and emptying my mouth before picking up the utensil.  Meals times have become longer.  I now use my morning break from work for breakfast (no more eating while working) and my afternoon break for lunch (I sit outside in the shade to eat, enjoying some fresh air).  

Another big change has been the support from Hubby.  He has always supported me in my weight loss efforts, but this time around instead of just saying "Please help me," I had him read the page from the BDS book about selecting a diet coach (mentor, friend, someone you turn to when struggling).  He better understood what I needed from him.  Then there were several days in the 100 Days of Weight Loss books that had me write out how I wanted my family/friends to respond to certain scenarios (going off program, weight gain, emotional eating, etc.).  It was helpful for me to write out how I wanted Hubby to respond to these scenarios and even more helpful for Hubby.  So instead of the vague "help me" he knows that if I seem to be emotional eating, he needs to ask me how I'm feeling.  If he sees me eating out boredom, he knows to suggest that I do something else for 5-10 minutes then if I still want to eat after that, I can (chances are good, if I do something else, the urge to eat will pass).  

During the first 15 days, I cut back on snacking (didn't want to sit at the table, so I skipped the snacks), drank more water, and went for more walks.  Never counted one calorie.  Never changed my meals in any way (okay... week two I started eating more salads and veggies).  You can probably guess what happened...  I lost 5.9 pounds in two weeks.  To say I was amazed, would be an understatement.  I had read books you could lose weight without counting calories and WW had their "Simply Filling" plan, but I didn't think I would ever be one of those people.  Yet, here I am.  

It's only been two weeks (or 18 days), but I feel great, I've lost weight, and my depression has subsided (of course, limiting my access to the news also helped with that).  I get out for a planned walk every morning, and stretch every evening with Hubby.

Will this attitude last?  God, I hope so.  But I'm a realist.  I know that I have a long way to go.  It took me 6 years to lose the weight before and I am more than willing for it to take that long again... as long as I learn that I need focus on my behavior just as much (if not more) than what I am eating.  For the time being, I am not going to count calories, but I am writing down what I eat during the day so I am aware of what I'm eating. As long as I'm seeing a lower number on the scale each week, I don't feel the need to count calories right now. 

I just pray, that my next blog post is not another "I'm starting over" post, but a "look at what I've continue to do" post.