Finding confidence

The Lego London Bus

I've started this post several times.  I do want to write, but I can't seem to focus my thoughts.  That could be because it's 6:24 in the morning and I've only had about 5 1/2 hours sleep.  It could be because my emotions the last couple of days have been all over the place.  Lots of laughing and reminiscing, with my thoughts going to "better" times when I was at healthy weight and had more confidence in myself.

I'm trying very hard to keep this post lighthearted and fun, keeping out the negativity, so we'll see how I do...

This weekend I am at the annual craft retreat (formerly known as the scrapbook retreat) at a local resort.  Most of my friends are scrapping, but I of course brought my Lego sets to work on (hey, between work and the Lego business, my personal sets are piling up).  It's been a lot of fun hanging out with these women.  They are all fun, loving, caring, kind spirits.  We truly enjoy one another's company.  I am enjoying myself... 

... but I almost didn't come this year.  Why?  Because I'm am ashamed of the weight I have gained back. I know my friends don't care.  They love me for who I am, not what I weigh, but am totally embarrassed by my weight gain.  I hate the way I look, the way feel, and the fact I had to buy another (bigger, wider) swimsuit so I could hang out in the hot tub with my friends.  

Mikey, my constant shadow and comfort kitty

I stepped on the scale before I left for this weekend and was up another 2 pounds.  But that easily could have been the ham I had at lunch the day before and the dinner out with hubby.  Once I saw the number on the scale I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my cat, Mikey, and not leave the house for the five days.  

You would think the weight gain would stop me from eating, but no... I see the weight gain, get depressed, eat for comfort, and gain more weight.  (Yes, I know, I know... I've talked about this vicious cycle again and again... which is becoming another cycle for me).

When I was at my heaviest, I let the weight stop me from living and I can feel that happening again.  I don't want to be like that. I want to enjoy the times with my friends, I want to be able to keep up my active husband, and I want to have the confidence to do things regardless of what I weigh or what I look like.  Having the confidence to do those other things, will inevitably give me the confidence to lose the weight.  Give me the confidence to walk, run, and hike.  Will give me the confidence to live my life.  

It took confidence to buy a new swimsuit.  It took confidence to get off the couch (sorry, Mikey!).  And it took confidence to come to the retreat this weekend.  I can only hope this is a step in the right direction.

To focus on the positive this weekend (and there were lots of moments, how could there not be with these women), here are things that made me feel good about myself:

• Came to the retreat 
• Did well with my eating for about 24 hours (in other words, I didn't go overboard on the treats and alcohol)
• Got up and walked when my FitBit reminded me to move (The FitBit also thinks my building with Lego is me moving around... so I've gotten more steps than I deserve... which I suppose could be considered a positive! LOL)
• Put on the swimsuit and walked to the hot tub
• Writing this blog instead of fretting and worrying about the things that may not have been the best choice for me

A pretty good layout - done without me
bringing any scrapooking supplies to the retreat!

Okay, I reread this post and have to the conclusion it's not my most enjoyable post, but not overly negative either.  But on 5 1/2 hours of sleep, this is the best you are getting.  

I'm now off to enjoy another day of Lego building, a little scrapbooking, soaking in the hot tub, and laughing with these crazy women.  In other words, I'm off to enjoy my life!