Walking through the door

This morning I did something that was emotionally difficult.  I walked through a doorway.

Between 2004 and 2014, I was a regular attendee at Weight Watcher meetings.  I went more weeks than I didn't, and there were weeks I attended more than one meeting.  I was a receptionist for Weight Watchers and toyed with the idea of becoming a WW leader.  Thanks to WW, I lost 120 pounds. 


Then I got to maintenance and things changed.  Maintenance is difficult.  I remember sitting in meetings during my "losing" period and wondering why the Lifetime members were talking about how hard it was to maintain their weight.  In my mind, that was the easy part.  You've lost weight so you know what works and doesn't work, so maintenance should be a breeze. Once I stepped over to the maintenance side of weight loss, I saw how hard it truly was.  And, the one drawback to WW (or at least in the area I live), there is very little coaching on how to maintain a healthy weight.  Don't get me wrong, the Leaders, receptionists, weighers, and Lifetime members are very supportive, encouraging, and inspiring.  But let's face it, once you become a Lifetime member with WW, you no longer pay for the meetings, so as a company they don't make money on members who reach Lifetime. 


Okay, I don't mean for this to be a WW bashing post, because it's not.  I'm just stating my opinion.  And for me, maintenance was the one big drawback to WW.  But for losing weight, I honestly cannot think of better program.  I learned a lot (and I mean A LOT) about weight loss, eating healthy, and activity through WW.  I was encouraged by my leader to keep working on weight loss during a very difficult period of my life.  I got a phenomenal amount of support from the meetings and made some awesome, wonderful friends through WW. 


So why did I quit going?  Frustration, boredom, and embarrassment. 


I was frustrated with trying to maintain my weight, so I started experimenting with different ways of tracking my food (went from counting points to counting calories), I tried different ways of eating (clean eating, Paleo, Primal, Whole 30, 20 Day Sugar Detox, etc), and I varied my exercise.  I was also frustrated by a knee injury that caused me to stop running, by health issues that slowed me down, and by work and life stress that become my focus.


And yes, boredom at the meetings.  Once you attend meetings for a number of years, you start to see a pattern in the meeting topics.  And even though each meeting is unique because of the variety of members, the meetings topic became stale and boring. 


Once I started gaining weight back, embarrassment and shame kept me from going to meetings.  I was embarrassed to have gained weight back... and the more I gained, the more embarrassed and ashamed I became.  After all, I used to speak at meetings, I helped to inspire people to persevere through the tough times and encouraged others to join WW.  How could I go meetings knowing I had failed? That I had not kept the weight off? I felt (and still feel) fat, sluggish, tired, and miserable.  I wanted to hide until all the weight miraculously fell off my body...


After weeks of contemplating the pros and cons, looking at what worked in the past and what wasn't working now, I realized I needed the WW meetings.  I need it for the support and the accountability. 


The first step was renewing my monthly pass.  That was easy.


The next step was to actually go to the meeting.  That was hard. 


Who knew walking through that door would take every bit of will power I had.  It is the hardest step I've taken on this weight loss journey.  All the others steps I've taken and faltered on were nothing compared to that.  I was scared, nervous, anxious, and depressed.  I knew going back meant really facing the scale (stepping on the scale at home is a different journey then stepping on the scale at the WW center) and seeing the significant gain since I last weighed in at the center. 


I now understand those people that would slink quietly back to the meetings, those people that whispered to the receptionist they used to be a member, sit in the back of the room, and overall just hope to become invisible.  I was that person this morning. 


There were a lot of familiar faces at the meeting, which caused me a lot of anxiety and made me wish I had picked a different meeting time.  But then faces I hadn't seen in months (or years) smiled in recognition, waved, and walked across the room to see me, to give me a hug. 


There was no judgement.  No critical looks.  Just happiness I was back. 


Even with that, it was still one of the longest meeting I had been to.  I sat in my chair, trying to pay attention to the topic, trying to enjoy the banter of the members and the antics of the leader, but fighting the urge to burst into tears and run from the center.  I had to face the fact, I'm starting over.  Not from square one (thankfully I have managed to keep 36.7 pounds off), but pretty darn close.  I know the fight I have ahead of me.  I know the struggles, the frustration, the disappointments, and the heartaches that are part of the weight loss journey.  I know that goal is not some magic number on the scale or mystical place.  Goal is the just one stop on the journey. 


But I'm getting back to what works for me.  WW for support and accountability.  Myfitnesspal.com for tracking my food.  Eating clean (natural foods and/or processed foods with 5 or less ingredients).  Walking, hiking, and eventually running as my activity.


My goal is to not make the number on the scale my priority, but running as my priority.  WW and MyFitnessPal are just tools to get me to end goal... back to running half marathons.