Merry Christmas Eve!

All ready for Christmas! 

Cutting it close on my once-a-week blog post, but taking a few minutes to squeeze it in.

I am officially on my five day, stay-at-home, do-nothing weekend!  That being said, the "do nothing" hasn't happened yet!  Difficult to do nothing on Christmas Eve when you have company coming the next day.  I was up at 6:15, started on the chores, ran to do some last minute grocery shopping and gift buying, came home and wrapped gifts, finished the chores, made some Paleo Chocolate bites, and now at almost three in the afternoon I'm sitting down to write this blog.  The last item on my to-do list. 

I am a bit worried about 5 days at home.  My eating tends to be at it's worse when I'm home and out of my normal routine.  If today is any indication, I may be worrying for nothing.  I've been so busy today that I haven't had time to snack and have stuck to healthy meals.  If I can keep myself busy the next four days, then maybe my weigh in won't be so bad.  

Since my normal Weight Watcher meetings are on Thursday and with the holidays the center will be closed, I will be going to the Saturday meetings the next two weeks.  I will weigh in and hope for the best.  I haven't been tracking and with the exception of yesterday and today, my eating has been horrible.  I have been giving into all the goodies and temptations of the holidays.  

Hubby and I will be hosting Christmas lunch tomorrow for my family.  The plan is to have ham, a couple of healthy sides, and whatever extras my mom brings to the festivities.  Hoping we will focus more on the Christmas fun than the food, but holidays always seem to center around food, don't they?  

Friday, we will have two of my grandsons over for lunch (yes, food yet again), to open gifts, and to play with them for a bit.  Will be fun to see them and they are so active (what 6 and 4 year old isn't?) that they keep us hopping.  I'm sure food will be secondary for them when there are gifts to be opened!  

Saturday will be the Weight Watcher meeting and Sunday is my 6 miles run.  

So much for 5 days of doing nothing!  I will still have plenty of down time, I just need to remember that relaxing does not mean grazing and eating everything in the cupboards.  I want to enjoy a few holiday treats, enjoy the time with family, enjoy being at home with Hubby, and not having regrets when I step on the scale on Saturday.  

Hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas Eve and has a blessed Christmas Day!  

A win for me!

My husband and I got into a fight last night.  But that is not what this post is about.  I have to explain what happened in order to disclose a personal achievement for myself. 

For me, this week has been extremely stressful at work.  On Monday they announced a reorganization within our work area.  I thought I was handling the stressful news fairly well until the dooms-dayers come into my office.  You know the people... the ones that take bad news and make it worse.  In this reorg no one is losing their job, in fact there is an opportunity to move up by applying for a newly created supervisor position or a chance to move to a different section and learn something more (or even something new).  Sounds positive, right?  Not for the people that have a hard time with change (hey, I'm one of those people, but this was one time I was going with the flow).  Those "I-don't-want-to-change" people became the "this-is-going-to-be-awful" people.  Spreading rumors that we won't be doing our same jobs, or we will lose certain parts of our current jobs, etc.  Also had people coming into our office gripping about moving offices around.  Anything they could find to be negative about, they were happily spreading the negativity. 

That would be difficult to handle on a good day, but for me, this is a stressful time of year because I'm working on a fairly large project that needs to be done by the end of the year.  I'm trying to get it done sooner so I can take a few days off around the holidays and be able to hang out and relax at home.  The project, which I have done two or three times before, is not going as smoothly as it has in the past.  Working with new people on getting it completed, little issues cropping up here and there, and I'm starting to stress about getting it in done in the time required. 

And, as many of you may have noticed, it's the holiday season.  If this fact has escaped you, you had better take a look at the calendar.  One week from today is Christmas Day.  So to add to my work stress is the normal holiday stress of shopping, wrapping gifts, getting card addressed and in the mail, and working with Hubby on organizing a small Christmas luncheon for my family (and my family is whole other stress in itself).

So, what is the point of post?  I'm getting there... patience, please. 

Yesterday was a fairly stressful work day, which I was trying to get through on 5 1/2 hours of sleep (I need 7 1/2 to 8 hours to be fully functional).  I finally leave work after putting in 9 hours, headed home, and planned on a quiet evening of finishing up our Christmas cards.

Unfortunately, Hubby was also having a bad, stressful work day.  He had worked from home all day, but realized he would need to go into the office after dinner to run some reports.  So after a 9 to 10 hour work day, he still had several hours to go.  Also, he's been so busy with work he hasn't really gotten to the Christmas shopping or other holiday activities, so I'm sure that has added to his stress.

Two stressed out people in one small house.  Yeah, doesn't take much to cause a normally happy couple to turn on one another.  Unfortunately our little fight took place while starting dinner prep.  Hubby became angry and decided to just go into the office instead of waiting until after dinner. 

Which left me at home, fully charged and emotional.  And hungry. 

Normally this would send me over the edge and I would have been ordering Domino's Pizza before Hubby even got his truck started.  But all I could think of was the fact that I had to weigh in today.  And that I couldn't deal with weight gain stress on top of everything else.  So... I cried... contemplated ordering pizza... cried some more... contemplated raiding my candy stash... hugged the cats and told them my sorrows... thought about what I could make for dinner... worked on the Christmas cards... realized as hungry as I was, I was still emotional and eating anything might trigger a binge... so I finished up the cards and picked up the living room... settled on the couch with cats... and finally, about 7:30 ate a protein bar. 

I went through a very emotional evening and did not give into the comfort food temptation.  No junk food.  No candy.  I made it through without turning to food. 

Victory for me!

I'm hoping that having conquered one emotionally charged evening without food, I will have the motivation to get through more situations without turning to food. 

But for now, I will sit in the glow of knowing I can do it and was successful last night. 

As for my weigh in at Weight Watchers this morning... well, last week I weighed in after drinking 24-36 oz of water and wearing jeans.  This week, I skipped my morning water, but still wore jeans (it was cold out this morning!) and was down 4.8 pounds.  Yep.  In one week.  So despite only two really good days of eating and tracking, I still lost.  Yea me! 

Now... to get through another stressful work day without diving into the holiday goodies that are around this time of year... 

The "why" I tend to avoid

I finally did it!  I had a good day, eating wise.  I tracked my food and stayed within my calorie goal, even with going out to eat with Hubby.  I wasn't hungry during the day and I made my step goal. 

I'm hoping that my good day yesterday will carry me through today.  I still feel good, have a bit of energy (though not as much as yesterday) and feel like I am in the right frame of mind to continue doing well. 

Yesterday, I wrote "So what am I doing to myself, and more importantly, why?"  I realized I answered the first part of the question, but never delved into the why.  I have to wonder if that wasn't a subconscious effort to ignore the why or to avoid delving into my self-distructive behavior.

This morning I contemplated the "why" of my behavior over the last couple of months, but mainly the last couple of weeks.  I was feeling good in September and October as worked through the 21 Day Sugar Detox.  I felt fabulous, both physically and mentally, but within two weeks of finishing the detox, I was right back to my old habits.  Why?

Good question and not one that I can give a definite answer to.  I can come up with all kinds of excuses for overeating... Halloween (goodies running amuck), vacation at Disneyland, Thanksgiving, blah, blah, blah.  All of those are excuses, nothing more.  I have gone through plenty of holidays and vacations over the last 10 years to know that I can be successful with my weigh loss (or weight maintenance) through those challenging times. 

So why have I gained so much weight this year?  Why?  Once I strip away all the excuses, I'm really not sure.

At first glance, life is no more stressful than any other year.  No problems at home, no problems with family, work, or friends. 

That brings me to my health.  That may be part of it.  And a bigger part than I realize.  As I have mentioned before, I have uterine fibroids.  I have had issues for years.  More of an inconvenience and annoyance than anything else.  But last year something changed and the issues became more consistent and in the last few months, more aggressive.  It's to the point now that I have been considering surgery to overcome the problems.  I have come to believe that a lot of my low energy and lack of enthusiasm is due to these issues.  It may be that the changes in my running this past year (slower pace, not as much energy during the run) could be attributed to the fibroid issues. 

Because of the chronic rundown, exhausted feeling, I have done a lot of comfort eating.  And thinking about the possibility of surgery, being out of work for 2 to 4 weeks, and unable to exercise for 4 to 8 weeks has me stress eating. 

Yes, part of my over eating may be due to health issues, but I am also using those issues as excuses to eat more... for comfort, to relieve stress, to help soothe the aches and pains, etc.  And that has to stop.  Regardless of what I decide to do or what needs to be done, I have to put my health first.  Being overweight, inactive, and eating badly will only complicate matters going forward.

Which brings me back to the other question I posed yesterday, "is this food worthy of me?"  Today that has a new meaning.  I need to be eating only food worthy of me, to make me healthier to deal with other medical issues in the future.  I only have one body, so I need to take the best care of it I can. 

Is this food worthy of me?

This is the question that was posed to us at the Weight Watcher meeting this morning.  A spin on the standard question, "is that food worth it?"  That to me, is an easy question to ask and answer.  Most of the time the answer is "no" (yet that doesn't seem to stop me from eating it...).

But, "is this food worthy of me?" seems a harder question to answer.  What does that even mean?  To me, it would be food that is healthy, nutritious, and filling.  A food that will leave me satisfied.  There would be no guilt while eating it and no remorse after. 

And lately, none of the foods I have been eating have been worthy of me or worth it in the long run. 

So what am I doing to myself, and more importantly, why?

I reached my goal in 2010, and during the next three years I was able to keep an average of 115 pounds off.  I felt good, though I struggled with keeping a healthy attainable weight.  I was obsessed with calories in/calories out, but I was able to (for the most part) maintain my weight.

Then I started to move to a more "clean eating" approach to food.  That worked well too.  Then this year I decided to try a Paleo/Primal approach.  Part of the Paleo philosophy is that there is no need to count calories if you are eating "real" food.  Great!  No more obsessing about calories in/calories out.  I was free! 

Yeah... apparently I don't handle food freedom well at all.  If I wasn't tracking my food, then I could slip in the junk food here and there.  Who would know?  I wasn't tracking it, so it didn't count, right?  Right?

Wrong.

I need to track.  Plan and simple.  Food freedom doesn't work for me.  It's taken me months of gaining weight (and occasionally losing) to figure that out.  I need to see what I'm eating, I need to see the calories, the protein, fat and carbs.  I need the accountability.  No more hiding what I'm eating.

This is not to say that Paleo doesn't work.  It does.  For me, with my emotional eating, my history of food addiction, I need something more to keep me accountable.  I need to measure and weigh my portions.  Not everyone needs to do this, but I do.  I will continue to eat Paleo, but will allow myself an occasional indulgence and try to keep a 80/20 rule (eat Paleo 80% of the time) in effect.

I loved the way I felt while doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox, so I plan to cut back on the sugar and treats I have been eating over the last couple of months.  I want to feel good again, to have energy, and be on less of an emotional food roller coaster.

I need to ask myself, "is this food worthy of me?" If not, I need to find the internal strength to walk away.  And if it is, then I need to track it and be accountable for it.

After months of not tracking, not being accountable, and pretending everything was okay (when it clearly wasn't), it's going to be hard to get back on the track.  But I am worth it.  And the struggle is worth it.  So, darn it, the food better be worth it, too!

Another Monday morning

Not feeling as blah this morning as I did on Friday.  I think getting back into the walking helped.  Since I was being mindful of my step count, I was also mindful about drinking my water (which helped with more steps... the running back and forth to the restroom!).  I not only got my step goal, but I also got my 64 oz of water in for the day.

I didn't make my step goal on Saturday, but I did put a bit more effort into getting steps.  I got myself on the treadmill a couple of times, which helped a bit.  I was having a very low energy day so by mid-afternoon I had nothing left.  Yesterday was a better day for getting activity in.  My training plan called for a 10 mile run, which I did on the treadmill due to wind and ice.  When I did the 9 mile run two weeks ago, I ended up walking, not running.  Yesterday I did better and was able to maintain a slow jog for the run.  I also got to watch a few of my favorite Christmas movies (Netflix is awesome for treadmill walking and running!).

Food... well, that is where I am off track.  I just can't seem to reign in the overeating.  I eat when I'm not hungry, I search for foods I wouldn't normally eat, and eat more than I should.  I wish I knew why I was doing it.  It's a very self-destructive path.  I'm not happy, yet I do it anyway.  I was hoping that the walking would lead to better eating, but that didn't happen.  I have decided that today will be a better day.  My chance to get it right.  I've been up for two hours and so far, so good.  :-)

Chocolate Bites

I really need to get the eating under control.  We're headed into the holiday season, which means more treats will be readily available.  I want to have the right mindset and attitude to be able to say "no" or just walk away from treats.  Yet, also be able to occasionally indulge (just not every day or two or three times a day) in some of favorite holiday treats without going overboard or triggering a binge.  It's such a fine line to walk and I have yet to learn how to do it.

Tonight I plan on making my Paleo "treat," a Chocolate Bite.  It's an easy recipe, 1/2 cup of dates, 1 cup of cashews, a tsp of vanilla and a pinch of sea salt.  Mix in the food processor for 90 seconds (until you able to form a small ball with it), then add 1/4 to 1/2 cup dark chocolate and pulse 3 or 4 times until mixed with dates and cashews.  Then roll them into balls (makes 12 small balls) and place in the frig.  Easy to make and are very yummy.  I generally make two batches so Hubby and I can both have one a day and I only have to make them every other week or so. 

I'm hoping by having my own "treat," it will keep me out of the candies and cookies that seem to be all around me this time of year. 

Today is a new day.  A fresh start.  And yes, I've said this many times... and one of these days it just might be true, but I won't know if I don't try!
 

Feeling... Blah....

Yep, that's how I'm feeling lately.  Just blah. 

I go through these funks every now and then, so for me it's just part of who I am.  I get to the point that I have no motivation to do anything, I'm tired, and I look for excuses to not exercise or to not eat healthy.  Usually this feeling lasts a day or two and then I'm back it.

But this time around, the funk has persisted for nearly a week.  I've been feeling completely worn out, I haven't exercised since Sunday and even my walking has dropped to nearly nothing (and my Fitbit Friends have noticed and commented on it!).  I had kept my eating somewhat under control, until yesterday.  Then it became a junk food frenzy. 

I wish I could say that today is starting out better, but I am eating a big ol' cinnamon roll as I write this.  They say confession is good for the soul, right?  Maybe if I get back to blogging, writing about my struggles, then I can somehow manage to work (write) myself out of this funk and get back on track.  I am a much better person when I am exercising regularly and eating right.  I'm less emotional, have more energy, and I don't feel blah.

Weight Watchers stresses the importance of making small changes.  Don't try to do everything at once because that can be overwhelming.  So I'm going to work on one thing today.  Getting my step goal.  This is something I will have to work at, but it is something doable.  I will get my step goal today.

As I may have mentioned before, I have an unusual daily step goal.  I have my step goal set at 14, 286.  Why such an odd number?  Because my daily step goal helps me reach my weekly goal of 100,000 steps.  If make the daily goal, then I know I will get my weekly goal. 

How far off from my weekly goal at this moment?  I currently have 43,128 for the past 6 days.  So going from my average of 90,000-100,000 weekly steps, down to 43,000... well, you can see why my Fitbit Friends were concerned.

So, today I focus on steps.  And if experience (and this never-ending weight loss journey) has taught me anything, it's that when I focus on small change, all the other pieces needed to get back on track just seem to fall into place.

It's time to get out of this funk and move on with my life.  I want to old me back... the contented with life, energized, less pessimistic Stacy!  (Anyone who knows me, know I would be lying if I said my general attitude is a positive one, so less pessimistic is all I'm striving for!  LOL)

I'm going to wrap this up so I can go do my "walk about" the building and get a few more steps on my Fitbit.  Here's to a more positive Friday so I can go into the weekend with a better attitude!

Thanksgiving success

I did it!  I made it through Thanksgiving without overeating, without seconds, and without emotional eating.  Felt great to have success on such a food oriented day.

Hubby and I didn't do the Turkey Trot 5K due to the icy roads (though we found out later they had sanded the course), but it gave me time to clean the house and him time to prep our dinner.

Dinner came out pretty good.  A few little glitches, but nothing major.  My mom and son seemed to like our Paleo feast, though I have to admit it didn't "feel" like Thanksgiving dinner since there was no turkey, bread stuffing, or mashed potatoes.  But the meal tasted great and was very filling.  

I weighed in on Saturday and as always, was nervous about it.  I ended up weighing in my normal weigh in pants, but with long johns underneath, a long sleeve shirt, and what I consider my "heavy" socks.  Amazingly, I was down 4.2!  Not sure how that happened.  I ate better, but not great.  Exercise was much better, but not as much as I would have liked.  But I will take the loss and hopefully not screw it up this week!  

Hubby's cat, Bandit

Yesterday was a very unproductive, un-active day.  It was cold out (we never saw our temperature gauge get above -3), snowed just about all day, and I wasn't feeling all that great, so I spent the day laying on the bed and snuggling with the cats.  Even Hubby's cat (who usually ignores me) snuggled with me for a bit. 

-6, the temp when I got home
from my WW meeting

Luckily today has been a more productive day.  I've gotten chores done, did a 6 mile run on the treadmill (was 0 degrees, so I wasn't going to run outside! LOL), and feel a bit more energetic today.  The sun shine might have something to with that.  I tend to feel more productive when the sun is shining.  

Not much else going on in my life.  Tomorrow it's back to the normal work week, so hopefully back on track with eating, exercising, and journaling my food intake.  I am routine orientated person, so getting back to work helps with that.

Actually feeling pretty good about life at the moment, which makes it easier to stay on track.  Plus we're headed into the Christmas season, my favorite time of year.  Love all the decorations, the music, and just the general feeling of good cheer.  ...though I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet, so there might be a little stress from that!  ;-)

Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving!  

Preparing for Thanksgiving

The walk into my office this morning - Beautiful!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.... so happy Thanksgiving! 

My week started off well.  Ate fairly decent from Thursday through Monday night, then things just kind of fell apart.  Went into the "eat everything in sight" mode and I'm having trouble getting out of that.  Though today does seem to be going a bit better.  Could be that I'm busy at work (which is weird for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, usually is fairly slow) so I don't really have the opportunity to eat or think about eating. 

Not sure if Hubby and I will be doing the 5K Turkey Trot tomorrow or not.  We got quite a bit snow last night and it's continuing today.  Though the weather forecast says a high of 42 today with 70% chance of rain.  Yeah, that will make a very sloppy mess on the roads going home tonight.  Anyway, if the roads do clear up a bit, we may run tomorrow.  Otherwise, we'll skip it.  It's one race we let the weather decide if we run it or not. 

Not much else to report.  Even though my eating has gone to heck, I'm still working out on a regular basis.  Was hard to get myself on the treadmill this morning, but I knew it would be a short run (2 miles), so quick and relatively painless.  And if I was running, it got me out of helping Hubby shovel snow this morning! 

Hubby has all the food planned out for our Thanksgiving dinner.  Doing more a Primal dinner than Paleo, but still better than we used to have in the past.  Not sure how my mom and son will like it, but it's a free meal so I don't there will be to many complaints... especially from my son!

We are having:

• Chicken (my mom is allergic to turkey and chicken is just as good)
• Sausage Stuffing
• Mashed Garlic Parsnips
• Caramelized Brussels Sprouts with Bacon
• Big green salad with lots of veggies
• And for dessert, Pumpkin Pie with a nut flour crust (we're still deciding on what nut flour to use since I'm allergic to almonds)

For our pre-dinner appetizers, Hubby got some good cheese (organic, from grass-fed cows), meats, and for my mom and son, some organic crackers.

We are making enough for the four of us, and hopefully there will not be a lot of leftovers.  Though enough so I have lunch on Friday would be nice!

Wasn't able to walk today due to the snow, so I used my break time to write this.  But now it's time to get back to work.

Hope everyone has an awesome Thanksgiving! 

Getting back in the routine after vacation

Hanging out at California Adventure Park
November 14, 2014

Yes, I've been home for 4 1/2 days, but it's taken me awhile to catch up on chores, errands, work, and life in general.  I was so tired on Wednesday (we got home at nearly midnight on Tuesday) that I spent most of the day either dozing or sound asleep.  And even with that and sleeping fairly well at night, I didn't feel human again until yesterday.  I did get right back in the exercise routine by doing a slow 2 mile jog on the treadmill on Wednesday, but it took me a few days to get back on track with eating.  

I did fairly well with my eating while on vacation... until the last day or so, then I gave into the cravings and had a lot of food I shouldn't.  Some was worth it, but most of it wasn't.

I wasn't going to weigh in on Thursday.  I did my morning routine of drinking 32+ ounces of water and wore jeans to the Weight Watcher meeting.  But on the way there, I realized I should just weigh in and face the consequences of my action.  I knew it wouldn't be good, but I did it anyway... water, jeans, and all.  I was up 2 pounds.  Which made me wonder, what would I have weighed if I had followed my normal weigh in day routine; not drank the water and wore my lighter clothes?  Was there a possibility I would have maintained or even lost weigh while on vacation?  Oh well, what's done is done.  That weigh in was frustrating because it's a number on the scale I had hoped to never see again and it puts me 17 pounds from my the weight I want to be.

That weigh in was the push I needed to get my head back in the game.  I started tracking my food intake on MyFitnessPal (3 1/2 days now... yea me!) and I've stuck with my exercise routine since being home.  I even did a T25 workout yesterday and I haven't done that since last February or March.  The workout made me sore so running was an issue this morning.  Plus it's windy here today, and I couldn't talk myself into going outside to run in the wind again!  So, I grabbed a movie and got my butt on the treadmill.  Actually running a steady pace for 9 miles after doing the 1/2 Marathon last weekend wasn't going to happen, so I walked and occasionally did a slow jog, but I got the distance in!  Proud of myself for doing it even though it wasn't a running a pace.  I want to make sure I workout and get my training runs in so I will be ready for the races in January, but I also want to be careful that I don't push myself too hard and I'm unable to do anything.  It's tough to find that balance, but I think I've managed it the past few days.

A somewhat challenging week ahead (hmmmm... most weeks/days are challenging for me!) with work (always slow the week of Thanksgiving, which means fighting boredom eating), Thanksgiving (more the stress of family, then the food since Hubby and I are hosting dinner), and I have doctor appointment to discuss my fibroid issues (stressing a bit about that too).

There will be some fun this week too.  Going to do the Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving Day, hopefully the weather will cooperate and some friends can join us for the run.  Plus, Thanksgiving means an awesome dinner, playing games with family, and being home from work.  Unfortunately I will have to go to work on Friday (majorly boring day so will really have to be aware of the boredom eating), but it will be slow, quiet day; a good day to get caught up on work that I normally don't' have time to work on.

In other words, I'm getting back into the routine of life.  Looking forward with a positive attitude... or faking being positive until it kicks in for real!  

I survived the Half Marathon!

Hubby and I at Disneyland

Yes, it's Tuesday morning and Hubby and I will be heading home today.  I would have written sooner about the race, but we have been on the go since then.  

The race was definitely a challenge, but like all RunDisney events we have done, it was a lot of fun, well-organized, and worth the hassle to do!  

Hubby and I got up at 3:30 am on Sunday, did our pre-race rituals and headed over to the start.  With 12,000 participants, we saw other runners as soon as we walked outside.  The 1.5+ mile walk to the start got up limbered up for the run and gave us a taste of the many outfits, costumes, and unique apparel we would see throughout the race.  You can always count on seeing people dressed up for Disney races, even the half marathons!  

The thing we like about the Disney races is the corral placements.  They are very strict about not allowing "corral jumping."  You can move back in corrals, but you can't move up.  So if you are in corral C, they won't let you get in corral B, but you can move back to corral D. By the time we go to our corral, they have checked out corral number 3 times.  Which means (in theory) the people in your corral will all be going about your pace.  And for this race, this seemed to hold true (we've been in races where people will run across the start line but stop to walk after a block, which means you are nearly running them over or tripping to avoid them).

They have pre-race entertainment, sometimes fireworks, music, and "hosts" for the races that talk to participants, give stats about the races (all 50 states were represented and 12 countries), and get the participants energized for the race.

Our corral, C, started at 5:37 am.  Started out good, with a 3 mile run through the Disney Parks, then onto the streets of Anaheim.  Then we noticed the haze... and then we noticed the wind.  No problem, right?  What's a little wind?  Well, the breezy morning turned into wind gusts of 20 to 50 mph... for the whole race!  Not only that, but most of the race (and I wish I was exaggerating!) we were running directly into the wind.  A head wind for about 7 to 8 miles of the race!  It was at our back for about a mile when we came out of Angel Stadium, but that was it.  The wind was strong enough to knock down the mile markers (and they are fairly heavy duty, wooden stands, with electronic clocks), sent the filled water cups flying in all directions, and in several spots, actually overturned tables.  But the volunteers at the water stations were awesome, several volunteers would fill cups held by other volunteers who would immediately hand the cup to the passing runner.  They were so fast that it didn't really hold up the runners at the water stations.

And the on-course entertainment held their ground, and were there to cheer on the runners.  There were local cheer leading groups and marching bands.  Also a group from a Comic Book/Sci-Fi club that came out, decked in their favorite comic book Super Hero (and Villain) costumes.  Some the outfits were incredibly detailed and was a great distraction from the howling winds.

The "bling" from the half marathon

Hubby and I got tired of trying to fight the head-winds, so we walked whenever the wind was at it's worse and jogged when it wasn't as bad or was at our backs (which wasn't often).  Still, considering the wind, with my knee starting to give me issues at mile 10, and my lack of training for the race, I did pretty well.  I finished the race and got my medal (Yea!) and I finished the race in under 3 hours.  Not my best race time by any means, but I'm happy.

I was very sore as we walked back to the hotel, but we showered, dressed and headed back for a little time in the parks and to get some lunch.  We took a nap in the afternoon and by evening we were both less sore, but tired.  One of the highlights from all the running and walking on Sunday is that both Hubby and I earned new "badges" with our Fitbits.  We walked over 60,000 steps (for me a total of 27.4 miles in one day!), which was new step record for both of us!

Yesterday we took a break from "all things Disney," rented a car, and drove to the San Diego Safari.  We spent the day walking around the safari and taking a back-stage tour of the park.  It was a great break from the crowded Disney parks and gave my Hubby a chance to experience the "joys" of driving in California traffic.  

Today we are going to spend a few hours at the Disneyland Park before heading back to Montana and the colder temperatures.

And once we are home, I will need to jump right back into training mode so I can be ready for the Star Wars Half Marathon Challenge in January! 

Staying Paleo at Disneyland (Day 3)

The Bling from the RunDisney 5K

I survived the 5K!  And I managed to finish in 37:22.  Not bad for me and not bad for RunDisney race.  It was a lot of fun, especially seeing people dressed up as their favorite Marvel Avenger character... or just favorite character in general. 

Hubby and I had to get up 3:45 so we would have time to get ready for the race and then walk to the start.  For this trip, Hubby decided to try a new hotel, unfortunately it was a bit farther from the Disney Resort than he thought so by the time we got to our race corral, I had logged over 2 miles on my Fitbit.

The race started at 5:30 in the morning and our corral started at 5:37 am.  We ran through the Disney Resort, into the back lot of California Adventure Park, into the park at Cars Land, wound our way through the park, out the front gate and crossed into Disneyland were we ran down Main Street USA, toward the Castle, through Fantasy Land over to Critter Country and out the side gate to Downtown Disney, and finally to the Disneyland Hotel and the finish line.

Parts of the 5K will be repeated during the half marathon tomorrow but we also get to run through Angel's Stadium (down on the field!). 

As great as todays race was, I was very tired and sore when we were done.  And the trek back to the hotel, then back Disneyland, not to mention a 2.5 hour walking tour (admittedly some of that time was spent on rides), wore me out.  So while Hubby bummed around a bit, I straggled back to the hotel for a much needed nap.  Still tired and achy, but feeling much better I met up with Hubby for another few hours at the California Adventure Park. 

All in all I walked (and ran) 40,043 steps... or 17.49 miles (which was just mere 3 miles more than yesterday!). 

And there's still the half marathon to get through....

Honestly, I'm very worried about doing the race tomorrow.  I was so tired and sore today, I pushed myself a bit on the run, and I'm feeling a bit run down from the fibroid issues, so I'm afraid I'll having nothing left to give for the 13.1 miles I need to complete tomorrow.  But Hubby and I did some calculations and figured that being in corral C (3rd corral out 8), gives us a bit of leeway on the "16 minute mile" rule that Disney has.  The goal is to run as much as possible, but to take walk breaks as needed or just walk if necessary.  I want to finish... and I want to be able to enjoy the rest of the my day as well.

Okay, the race start is at 5:30 (again!), so Hubby and I are going to bed early tonight.

Hopefully I will have good news to report about the half marathon!

Staying Paleo at Disneyland (Day 2)

Since we were traveling yesterday, I wrote a pretty good blog post offline while on the plane, but even with Hubby's help we couldn't get it to copy and paste to here... so I'm starting on Day 2 of our vacation.  Which may end up being my only post while on vacation since we will busy the other days. 

I weighed in yesterday and was up a pound.  Did a lot of negative self talk and was beating myself up for the poor choices I made on Tuesday and Wednesday.  But as Linda, my Weight Watcher leader, pointed out I did well 5 days out 7.  Good point, because it was much better than the previous week, plus I did much better with my activity (thank you, Windy, for keeping me accountable!).  I ran two days and worked out (15 minute DVD, but better than nothing!) for 3 days.  I had planned on doing a 6.5 mile run on Sunday, but due to my fibroid issues, I went for a 3 mile walk instead.

So, here I am.  Day 2 of our trip.  Yesterday I felt like I was coming down with a cold, but with a combination of Emergen-C, zinc lozenges, and Coldcalm tablets, I feel remarkably well today.  Maybe I avoided the cold... maybe not.  But for the moment, I feel great.  I am going to continue with the anti-cold combination today because the last thing I need is a cold when I'm less than 24 hours from our first race.

I'm counting on Hubby to help me make better food choices on this trip.  He's awesome at maintaining the Paleo/Primal lifestyle.  While I do well in spurts.  As Sibyl says, I'm Paleo-ish.  I tend to be Paleo on good days, but bad days... well, I'm usually anything but Paleo!

Picture of packet pick up line
(borrowed from the internet)

Okay, keeping this short today.  Hubby and I are on our way to Packet Pick-Up and Half Marathon Expo.  This is an event all by itself.  12,000 participants, along with family and friends, crowd the Disneyland Hotel to get their gear.  Not sure it's fun, but it's never boring.  And Hubby and I have been known to strike up conversations with people in line about running, doing RunDisney, doing races, whatever.  Which is weird because we're both basically introverts. 

Will try to do a post after races to let you know if I survived or not! 

Just plugging along...

Life is just moving along and I'm moving along with it.  I don't seem to be struggling with my eating nearly as much as I have in the past of couple of weeks, though its too early to say I'm back on track.  But I feel more in control, which makes it easier to stay away from the processed foods.

Definitely doing better with the activity.  I ran on Friday and did a (short) workout video on Saturday and today.  I was supposed to run 6.5 miles yesterday, but my fibroid issue was causing me some problems, so went for a 3.6 mile walk with Sibyl, Juli, and Juli's daughters instead.  

Still not feeling confident about the upcoming races (5K Saturday, 1/2 Marathon Sunday).  I know I can finish, but I would very much like to complete both races with a decent pace and not feel dead afterwards.  Realistically, I should set my goal to just complete the races and not be picked up by the white vans.  (And yes, RunDisney does have the white vans... I'm seen them trailing behind some slow walkers!)

Definitely a lot of challenges coming up in the next week or so.  Traveling, eating out, the races (and properly fueling before, during and after without overeating), and cold weather here in Montana.  Yep, I use cold weather as an excuse to eat more.  Actually, I will come up with any excuse to eat more...

I'm just taking it one day at time and try to focus on the positives in my life.  That seems to be working for now.  We'll see how the next couple of days goes and see if I can take off some of the weight I have gained.  Frustrated with myself for getting to this point.  I'm at the highest weight I've been since May 2010.  I did figure out a lot of that may have to do with the fact that I had totally gotten out my routine with exercise.  Which is why I'm working at getting back in the routine.  Just hoping the vacation doesn't throw me off too bad. 

Short post today, but just don't have a lot to say.  I'm just plugging away, doing what I need to do, and hoping it works! 

I am thankful

Yesterday, as I headed back to my office after my lunchtime walk with Windy, I realized just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful group of supportive friends in my life. 

Which got me to thinking about the "Month of Thanksgiving" that I have seen on Facebook, where people post one thing they are thankful for each day this month.  Great idea, and I love seeing the posts from my friends about what they are thankful for.  But I am not one to continue something every day (okay, I'm doing good with this blog, but I have missed a day here and there... and even more than that last week!), so I have decided to use this post to write about the people I am thankful for in regards to my weight loss.

I am thankful for...

...my friend Windy.  We walk together nearly every work day and when we don't walk, we still email one another to check in.  We attend Weight Watcher meetings together, discuss food, activities, and different dieting lifestyles.  We also have some other common interests, but they seem to take a back seat to our main topic of discussion -- weight loss. 

...my friend Juli.  She has been so supportive over the years, and was so awesome when I reached my 100 pound goal that it brought me to tears.  Even with her own struggles, she gets me, understands what I'm going through and makes me realize I am not alone in this battle.  She was there to encourage me (embarrass me!) during my first half marathon and was by my side when I finished my first race... and beside me for many more.  She helped me with my training and is always there to remind me I can do it, whether it be running or weight loss.  I just hope that I give her as much encouragement as she has given me.

...my friend Sibyl.  Sibyl is the one friend that has been there with me through it all.  From my heaviest weight to my lightest weight.  From being a couch potato to running a half marathon.  From not being able to go for a 2 mile day hike to backpacking 6 miles in the mountains.  She was there when I was alone, single, and though we never talked about it, when I was miserable; to watching me get married to my awesome husband.  She's been a true friend, regardless of my weight or capabilities, and she always makes me feel special... then and now.

...my Weight Watcher Leader and friend, Barb.  I went to Barb's WW meeting as a distraction after my father's death, but I now feel he may have lead me there.  He knew it would take someone special to help me through my long, emotional, never-ending weight loss journey.  And Barb was the right person to help me through it.  She was always supportive, encouraging, motivating, and just a loving friend.  She always seemed to know when to push me and when to let me find my own way, all the time reminding me of how far I had come and never focusing on how far I still had to go. 

...my (new) Weight Watcher Lead and friend, Linda.  Linda knew that taking over Barb's 7am Thursday WW meeting meant she had some big shoes to fill, but she did it willingly.  She's a wonderful leader (I've often gone to her Saturday meetings to see how she approaches the same topic), who is caring, energetic, positive, and always makes me laugh.  Like a lot of us at the meeting (especially those at Lifetime), she has been a WW member many times and reminds us that's okay.  I love the fact that she willingly picked up Barb's meeting so we wouldn't lose that meeting time... even if it meant she would have to get up before dawn to get set up for the meeting. 

...my awesome husband, Scott.  Scott and I met when I had lost 80 pounds, then I gained 30 back, but he continued to support my weight loss efforts.  He joined WW to help me, he helped me with running (though he never thought I would continue with it after that first run!), he took over the cooking and makes delicious healthy meals, and he's willing to help me with whatever dieting lifestyle I want/need to try to keep me on track.  Most of all, I'm thankful he puts up with me!  With my weight loss and weight gain, I am forever on an emotional roller coaster and I thank him for putting up with that.  I couldn't ask for a more supportive spouse.  Love you, Hon!

...my wonderful WW meeting group.  The Thursday morning meeting has the best people in it.  For an early morning group, we are loud, boisterous, fun-loving, supportive, motivating, and inspiring.  Though we have a lot of Lifetime members in this group, we also have quite a few people that are starting their journey or getting close to goal.  It's fun to be with such a diverse group of people.  Part of the reason I go to the meeting even when I've gained weight, is because I know that I will be surrounded by people who understand, and who will make feel good about myself.  And most of all, will make me laugh!

...my Tuesday morning walking group.  I like to walk, but I love to walk with friends.  And this group has been awesome.  Though our numbers seemed to have dwindled, there is always at least one person to walk with (usually Kay... she is so dedicated!).  We often talk about weight loss, but most of the time we just talk about what is going on in our lives.  It's a great way to start the morning and I always feel good about going, I never regret it!

...my friends who I have meet through WW.  And there are many.  Some I still see quite a bit, some only rarely.  But they have all touched me in a positive way, inspire and motivate me.  Mary P, who always reminds of how far I've come and that I should be proud of who I am at this moment.  Bobbie P, who is a true friend and who I aspire to be as I get older (and who I try to keep up with on mountain hikes!).  Ramona S, who gives up her Saturday mornings to lead a group, free of charge, to help with people's weight loss/health goals.  She was there when I got my 100 pound award at WW and was encouraging and supportive... and still is... to anyone who needs it.

...my friends who take the time to read my blog.  I often joke with my husband that I have "tens of followers" of my blog.  I appreciate the people who take the time to read this rambling monologue about my ongoing weight loss efforts.  I know quite a few of the people I mentioned above read this, but I also want to thank Lisa P, Patty H, Kathryn S, Marty S, and Mary M for reading and letting me know that you enjoy it.  Means a lot to me!

Okay... I'm sure I've missed someone in this very long post, but I am thankful for all you.  Thank you for helping me, supporting, motivating, and inspiring me.  Thank for making me laugh, giving me a shoulder to cry on, and letting me be part of your lives.  Love you all!!

A new week, a new start, and yes, another do-over

How many do-overs do I get in regards to my weight?  An endless supply.  And thank goodness for that! 

Today is Thursday, so it's my weigh in day.  If you read my post yesterday, you know I have not been eating well for several weeks and it's caught up to me.  Up 2.6 pounds since last Thursday. 

Today is a new day.  A new chance, yet again, to start over and start fresh.  Which is what I tell myself everyday.  I need to tell myself this everyday, because one of these days things will fall into place and I will have a good day.  Today could be that day.  But I won't know unless I try.  And if I fail, then tomorrow I start again. 

I really considered not going to the meeting this morning.  I knew I was going to be up and I didn't want to face the scale.  Also, this was the first meeting since Barb, my friend and Weight Watcher leader, has relinquished the meeting to Linda (also my friend and WW leader).  I wasn't sure I wanted to go because Barb has been such a great support as I muddle through weight loss journey and it hurts knowing she is no longer there for my weekly support.  The meeting wasn't the same, but I'm glad I went. 

As I was driving to the meeting, I considered not weighing in.  WW gives you the option of "NWI" (no weigh in), so I could go, ignore the scale, and stay for the meeting.  I couldn't ignore the scale.  I never can.  Because I know that whether I step on the scale or not, my weight is going to be what it is.  Not stepping on the scale doesn't erase what I did or did not do during the week.  It doesn't make me any lighter by not stepping on the scale.  Whether I stand on that contraption or not, my weight will be the same.  So, I took a deep breathe, stepped on and accepted the number for what it was.  It was confirmation that I need to get back on track.  I need to stop eating the junk, get back in a routine of running and working out, and I need to quit feeling sorry for myself.  Most of all, I need to stop the negative self talk, find the positive and focus on that.

As said, I stayed for the WW meeting this morning.  I love the meetings because it seems like whenever I am struggling the most, the topic for the week is exactly what I need to hear.  This week was no exception.  WW is preparing members for the upcoming holidays.  This week we worked on staying on track for the holidays (or in my case, get back on track before the holidays). 

There were four steps for doing this:

1 - Set a goal.  As always, I have three choices for the holiday season, I can lose weight, maintain my current weight, or gain weight.  I am not in the position to overindulge and gain weight, so my one and only goal is to NOT gain weight.  If I lose, great... but at this point, I will be happy to maintain and not see any more gains at the scale.

2 - Identify where you'll be focusing on your goal.  A great example would be the meetings for support and accountability.  But for me, I need to focus on my personal spaces such as home and work.  I need to set them up for success (having the right type of foods for me on hand) and for potential challenges (like goodies in the office and friends or family bringing food into our home).  Also, I need to dust off the treadmill and my DVD's.  I need to get more active during the holidays so I can have the occasional treat.

3 - Count the risky days.  Okay, this was a new one (after 10+ years of meetings, most of the stuff is the same year after year).  But this I liked.  Instead of looking at the whole season as one big challenge, identify the days that you will have the most challenges.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, office Christmas Party, Neighborhood party, etc.  Everyone will have there own count of risky days, but it will probably be between 3 to 9 days that may be challenging.  For me, I counted 6 days as challenging.  I will have 6 days I will need to be extra prepared, vigilant, and plan for.  That was reassuring to me.  6 days is better than thinking of two months as challenging and unmanageable!

4 - Take Action.  Now comes the part where I decide what I'm going to do to keep from gaining weight over the holidays.  My plan at the moment is to... well... plan!  Plan meals, plan exercise, plan ahead, plan for challenges.  Part of my exercise plan is to get back in the routine of running three days a week and working out (even if it's just a 10 to 15 minute exercise video) 3 days a week.  I also plan on visualizing the challenges (my 6 risky days) and how I am going to handle them.  And I may get back to tracking, even if it's just jotting down what I'm eating during the day.  I want to have some idea what is going in my mouth so I won't be surprised if I do gain weight.

Now I've written down my goal, my plan, and how I am going to do it, guess that means I will have to follow through, right? 

The vicious cycle of food and negative self talk continues

It's been nearly a week since my last entry.  But, in my defense, when I started this blog the goal was to post at least once a week.  If I get this out today, I'm still hitting my goal!

The last two and a half weeks have been a major struggle to for me.  With food, with exercise, with attitude.  Everything seems to be going badly and I just can't seem to get back on track.  Which may be why I haven't been writing as many posts.  I'm tired, rundown, and feel embarrassed by all that I have been eating.  I don't want to look bad to my friends and peers. 

On top of all the struggles with food, I'm now beating myself up with a lot of negative self talk.  Which just perpetuates the food issues... overeat, feel guilty about it, eat to comfort those feelings, feel guilty... It's never ending.  Because I'm eating foods I shouldn't be eating (or eating foods in quantities I shouldn't be), I have gained weight, I'm bloated, and covered in hives.  You would think that would be an excellent deterrent to get me back on track.  Nope.  Not me.  I kept thinking, "since I already feel terrible, it won't hurt to eat this..." Then after eating, the guilt sets in.  And the cycle continues.

I'm just 11 days away from my next half marathon and not only am I not ready physically, I'm not ready mentally.  I haven't been running nearly enough.  Saturday's 9 mile training run turned into a 4.7 mile run, in which I was tired and felt like my legs were made of lead (though that may have been a precursor to the flu I got on Monday).  I know that I can finish the half marathon, but I'm not sure how well I will do.  I was hoping to do well, but with not getting my full training runs in and my intermittent knee issues (not too mention all the walking we will do through the Disney parks prior to the race), I just have no idea if I will be running more than walking or vice versa.  I hate the thought of slowing up my husband even more than normal, because I know he enjoys running the races and getting a decent pace time throughout.  He's told me it's not a big deal and he will just hang back with me if I want him to, but I don't feel that's fair. 

Add the mental stress of the race to the food stress, it just adds one more layer to the cycle that I seem to be stuck in. 

I love my friends for trying to help me out of this cycle, but I don't want to hear, "just get back on track" or "go for a walk instead of eat" or "you know what to do, just do it."  I know all that.  Hearing it just makes me feel more like a failure because I'm unable (or unwilling) to do those things at this time in my life.

I want to get back on track, I really do.  I tell myself every morning (and afternoon, and evening) that this is the moment I get back on track, but then another part of me starts saying it's okay to have that one piece of candy, that one bite of cake, that extra helping of healthy snacks ("it's healthy, so go for it!").  Instead of listening  to the sane, rational, this-is-what-I-need-to-do voice, I listen to the idiot side of me that says, "it's okay to eat crap, after all, you already feel like crap so what difference does it make?"

Guess there really isn't a point to this post, just that I am here.  I am struggling.  I am unsure of what to do next. 

It's times like this I am reminded of something that someone once told me years ago when I was struggling to get to goal.  "As long as you are struggling, you haven't given up."  No, I haven't given up.  I know that by giving each day (or each moment) my best effort, whatever that may be at the time, I will eventually find the path that gets me back to where I want to be. 

Committed to the journey

This morning I was looking for quotes on changes in regards to weight loss, but nothing seem to fit how I was feeling (more on that in a moment).  I did find a section about commitment and reading through them the two quotes below caught my eye.

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.” ~Unknown

“Stay committed to your decisions; but stay flexible in your approach.” ~Tony Robbins

In the last two weeks, I feel as though I have totally fallen off the wagon, got caught on the underside, and I'm being dragged through the mud, unable to extract myself so I can brush myself off to get back on. 

The outcome of being totally off plan led to a major meltdown yesterday, in which I stomped my feet, screamed, and kicked my jeans  across the bedroom before bursting into tears.  Yep.  That bad.  (Even worse for our poor cat, Mister, who was sleeping on the bed at the time!)

Why the meltdown?  Because the jeans that fit several months ago, no longer fit.  And I have no one to blame but myself.  I knew it was bad, but it took that moment to realize just how bad it was. 

My friend and confidant, Mikey

Though, I have to say, it was one of the first times in my life that I didn't turn to food for solace.  I cried, sobbed, let out all of my frustrations, then curled up on the couch with my cat Mikey (I'm sure Mister didn't want to be anywhere near me).  That episode didn't get me back on the wagon, but at least now I feel like I'm standing up and able to brush myself off while I wait for the next wagon to come along.

And what does this long rambling post have to do with commitment?  Or change?  I'm getting there... just be patient.

When I read the various quotes on commitment, I realized that I am committed to getting the extra weight off so I can maintain a healthy weight in the future.  I am not giving up.  This is something worth doing, worth working for... worth being committed to.  I have lost weight.  I have kept over 100 pounds off for 4 years.  Yes, I have gained 15 pounds in the last 16 months, but if I wasn't committed to being healthy then that amount would be a lot more than 15 pounds.  I know that behind all the self-sabotage, negative self talk, and feelings of being unworthy, that I CAN and WILL get the weight off.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  Regardless of weight loss, weigh gain, or weight maintenance, I am committed to not giving up on myself.

Now, why was I looking for quotes on change in regards to weight loss?  Well, this morning my awesome Weight Watcher leader and friend announced that she is no longer going to be leading the 7 am meeting.  My meeting time.  Barb has been my leader since May of 2004, for over 10 years.  She has become a friend, a mentor, and one of my biggest supporters and I love her for that.  She pushed me to keep attending meetings, even after I had gained 30 pounds back during my weight loss journey.  She saw me move from the quiet lady in the back of the room, to the lady that sits in the front row and speaks during the meeting.  She encouraged me to tell my story at the meetings to inspire others.  She continues to applaud my accomplishments, and gives me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. 

It was a bit of shock that she was giving up the morning meeting, but I understand her need to for change.  She has a lot going on in her life right now and one less meeting for her means more time for her to focus on the things she needs to do.  She will still have two other meetings she will be leading, but those times just don't work with my schedule.  And the leader that is taking over her meeting is another friend (yes, you attend WW long enough in a small town, you become friends with everyone, including the staff!) and I know she will do awesome.  As I have stated in previous posts, I don't handle change well. 

So, between the meltdown yesterday and Barb letting go of her morning meeting, I could feel myself start to stumble.  I'm feeling.... well... a lot of things... unsure, less confident, sad, and scared.  Which is all normal when there is a change in your life. 

I'm trying to find my footing so I can deal with these changes.  I would like to deal with it, without turning to food for comfort.  It's going to take some soul-searching, some positive self talk, and yes, commitment to continuing on this weight loss journey.  This is a just a new road to travel and soon a new wagon will come on by, I will hop on and see where this road takes me. 

Change can be good.  But being committed, that's what will get me through.


“If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.” ~Jean Kerr