What I did not except in putting my ramblings out there for all to see what the concern my friends would have for me when my blogs became a bit more... well, lack of a better term... depressing.
Let me just to say to my friends, and whomever else may be reading this blog, I really am okay. Yes, I'm struggling with my weight. But as someone who has spent nearly her whole life as overweight (or obese, even morbidly obese), I will get through this. For me, this is just another detour on my weight loss journey. Also, thank you. Thank you for your concern, your support, your love. I can't tell you how many times I received a text or email that was so full of love and concern that it brought tears to my eyes. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I have the best support system there is!
I did have a rough week (or two... guess it's been nearly two weeks since my last blog). And I'm still not mentally in the right place to get back on track, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but I can feel it happening.
Eating healthy still isn't happening (though the last few days have been a bit better), and with the exception of yesterday, activity is nearly at all time low.
So... what to do when I'm not eating healthy and not exercising?
For me, apparently that means completing another half marathon.
Without properly fueling the week before, barely making 5,000 steps a day, no work outs, no pre-race runs, I go out and do another half marathon.
Yes, I had a doubts. At 4 in the morning the day of the race, I kept thinking, "what the hell am I doing?" And I was pretty sure those thoughts were loud enough to wake my husband. At 9 1/2 weeks after major surgery, with just a 4.72 mile training run completed, and nearly 15 pounds heavier than the last race in January, I was going to run/walk (shuffle/crawl) 13.1 miles? Who does something like that?
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| Myself, Sibyl, and Juli before the start of the race |
I do.
And I did.
With the help of my awesome support system. My Hubby, Juli, and Sibyl all believed I could do it. Sure, I wouldn't be fast, but I could finish. Which is always my goal.
Part of me wanted to do this so I could show my wonderful support system that I am not just some whiny person, sitting around grumbling about my weight and knee pain. But a big part of me wanted to do this to prove to myself I could. That I am still someone capable of being a healthy person. I can lose weight. I can be active. I can achieve the things I strive for.
And I am that person. Okay, if I'm honest, I will always be that whiny person... my friends are well aware that I am more often than not a complainer and a pessimist (and thank god they overlook that personality flaw or would have no friends! LOL).
Yesterday I put aside the complaining and whiny (for the most part), I tried my best to fill myself with self-confidence and the can-do attitude that I know I have (but don't use nearly as much as I should), and headed out for another race. Yesterday I did my 18th half marathon, and my 6th Salt Lake Half Marathon.
Last year, Juli and I ended up walking the whole race because of my knee pain, and that was when we discovered that walking 13 miles at a 15 min/mile pace is more painful than running 13 miles. And we both vowed we would never do that again.
And yet, yesterday I made up mind I would walk all 13 miles if I had to, but the goal was to run more than last year.
As I have done a lot of this weight loss journey, I surprised even myself at what I'm capable of doing.
Juli and I set out at a slow run (or medium fast jog... or maybe just a really fast walk), and continued that for a mile or so, I walked down the hills to baby my knee, and after the first mile of continuous running, we did a 4 minute run/1 mile walk.
I did have some doubts about completing the race, but I kept them to myself since Juli was on a "tough love" mission with me and would not have put up with any negative self talk. Every time I felt that running the race was a mistake, I kept it myself. I kept my complaints about my knee pain to a minimum, but did have to walk a few times until I was able to continue running. I did tell Juli several times to ditch me and just run at her own pace, but she stuck with me for 10 miles, until it was clear to both of us, I didn't have much speed left in me and I would need to walk more than run. So for the last three miles, a simple little 5K, I was on my own. Which meant I could get all depressed about feeling tired, achy, and completely drained, or I could look at everything I had overcome to get that far. And I decided to look at the positive. I would complete the race, and I would do it less time than I had last year even if I walked the last three miles. I was out there running 2 1/2 months after my hysterectomy. I was once again, doing something that I couldn't have done just 7 or 8 years ago.
So I walked, ran when I could, and persevered. I finished the race, collected my medal, and got a big hug from Juli.
I certainly didn't break any personal records, but I finished this race faster than I did the Star Wars Half Marathon in January. And it gave me a new feeling of accomplishment.
Like I said earlier, I'm not quite where I need to be mentally to get back on track, but I can feel myself getting closer. My eating was good the day before the race and yesterday. Not great, still too many grains and few things I should have skipped, but no where near as bad as it was the week before. I'm getting there. Completing 13.1 miles has a tendency to change your perspective on things. It did for me.
Best of all, I can said I completed another half marathon. Yep, I did it...again.
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