Turn "Why" into "How"

I've been thinking about writing a blog post all week, but just haven't gotten to it until now.  Work keeps me busy and by the time I get home, do a few little chores, and have dinner, I have no energy left for anything else.  I keep hoping that my energy level will increase but for now, that seems about all I have.

Life is pretty much going the same for me. Good days and bad days.  Though I have to say, since the race last weekend, the days do seem to be going a bit better.  The race gave a me a boost and a mental push in the right direction.  Still not there, but better than I had been.

The week before the race was one of the worst for me, mentally.  I felt overwhelmed with work, I realized I was going to miss the annual girls weekend to Spokane for the Bloomsday Race due to work, and my knee was bothering me so bad that I wasn't even sure that I would be able to continue running.  All of which sent me into a spiral of bad eating, no exercise, and a bit of a depression.  Thank goodness for the half marathon.  Running that race came at just the right time for me.  It helped to prove to myself, I could still run and it gave me the confidence that I could get back on track.

While Juli and I were running the race we did quite a bit talking (want to spend uninterrupted time talking with a friend, go for run!).  She pointed out that a lot of my weight gain, stress, and lack of activity had more to do with my job than anything else.  I was stressing about the job, not getting out for walks on breaks, which was leading to overeating.  Which is true.  Since the re-org at work I have gained about 15 to 20 pounds... in just 4 months.  Sure, I had the surgery during that time, but the surgery only postponed my activity, my job is hindering it.  This week I made more of an effort to get out for a walk on my breaks and walking in the evenings to get my step goal.  My workouts and mid-week runs were still hit or miss depending on the day, but at least I got my step goal all but one day this past week.

Morning run, in spring snow

As for eating, I'm doing better.  Juli and I have made each other accountable by tracking what we eat, then taking a picture of our food journals each night and texting the pictures to one another.  We've done that for a week now and I have made better choices (most of the time) because of it.

Unfortunately, even with tracking my food, getting my step goal, and getting away from the office for some much needed breaks, I didn't do well at the scale.  I was down, but after gaining 4 1/2 pounds the previous week (hey, I told you it was a bad week for me!), I was really hoping for a loss of more than .6 so I could have some motivation to keep working at it.  The worst part of the week was when I had to buy new jeans, in a bigger size, because none of my pants fit anymore.  That was a bitter pill to swallow.

I am still struggling with that mentally, but I'm also trying to keep a positive attitude.  I will get the weight back off.  It's just going to take some time to find the right balance between work, exercise and food.  The job is not going to be any less stressful going forward, and there are going to be times when it's going to be overwhelming and I'm going to have to work long hours.  And like my Bloomsday weekend, there will be times I may need give up some fun things I may have planned because of my new job responsibilities.  I have to learn to deal with all that without turning to food.  I also need to learn to voice my concerns, vent to friends, and not keep those emotions bottled up so food feels like my only option.

This week I attended the Weight Watcher meeting twice because I really liked the topic.  I have been going to WW for 11 years now and I have heard some of the topics (quite literally) 20 to 30 times.  I'm always thrilled when there is a new topic.  This week is was Turn Your "Why" Into "How."  

The meeting started with the leader, Linda, asking us to throw out some "why" questions we ask ourselves.  Some of them that were said were:

• Why can't I lose weight?
• Why bother coming to the meetings each week when this doesn't seem to working?
• Why did I eat those cookies?
• Why do I continually make bad choices?
• Why can't I get back on track?  (this one is mine and I have repeated it in my blog countless times...)

Then Linda asked us how those questions made us feel.  My first thought was, "like a failure" and many members said similar things... discouraged, frustrated, depressed, etc.

I had never thought about it, but those "why" thoughts are very discouraging.  And not at all helpful.  Linda pointed out that we could spend all our time trying to figure out "why" but there may never be an answer.  Basically, we'll just get stuck trying to find the answer and not focus on what we need to do.

She then asked us to change these questions to "how" instead of "why." So the questions became:

• How can I lose weight?
• How can I get the most out of the meetings?
• How can I avoid those cookies?  (or How can I have those cookies and still stay on program?)
• How can I make better choices?
• How can I get back on track?

She asked how those questions made us feel.  I felt like those questions put me in control of the situation.  I was no longer the victim.  Those were action questions, questions I could answers, and questions that would lead to doing.

I never stopped to think that my pondering the why... why can't I get back on track, why can't be in control, why can't I make it one day without overeating... that it was actually causing problems, not solving them.  

I am trying to be more aware of it when I ask myself why (why can't I have  weekend where I'm productive and not feel like a slug?) and remind myself to turn that why into how (how can I have a productive weekend?).  I'm definitely not there yet, but it's  given me something to think about.

I feel like I am pressuring myself to get this extra 25 pounds off as fast as I can.  Which is ridiculous.  I'm just setting myself up for failure.  I need to take a deep breath, exhale, and remind myself that I have the rest of my life to get the weight off.  I need to get back to the place where I love myself for who I am now.  I am still me.  People don't think any less of me because I've gained weight back, so I shouldn't think any less of myself.  If it takes me six years to get this weight back off, so be it.  As long as I am true to myself and happy with who I am now, time doesn't matter.