My taste in clothes changed as lost weight. I went from beige, brown, neutral colors, to brighter colors. I went from baggy clothes that hid my weight (or at least that was my attempt), to clothes that showed I really did have a figure.
Somewhere along my weight loss journey, I actually began to enjoy shopping for clothes. I even bought dresses and skirts... and high heel shoes. Okay, high heel for me...not much of heel, but since I had no experience walking in them, I wasn't going to risk spending the day stumbling around!
I was able to go clothes shopping with my friends and not have to be in the "women's" section. I could buy petite clothes. Clothes in sizes I never dreamed I would be able to wear.
When I got to goal, I bought a bunch "forever" clothes. These were clothes I would be able to wear until they wore out because I was not going to gain the weight back...ever.
Yeah... ummm... okay... so life happens. I gained some weight back.
Then one day I realized none of my jeans fit, not even my baggy, comfortable jeans. So I was forced to buy new jeans. I was not happy about it, but I did it. Eventually even those jeans became too tight, but I am to the point I do not want to buy any new jeans. And hopefully with being back on track, I won't have to.
This past weekend I decided I wanted to buy a dress or skirt to wear when Hubby and I go out for a nice dinner. Nothing fancy. Just something to make me feel attractive. Something other than jeans.
I knew nothing in my closet would fit since the dresses and skirts are close to goal weight or goal weight clothes. So I headed to the store to find something. What I did not expect was to feel so disappointed. In myself. I know how many pounds I've gained, but I was shocked by what that meant in clothing sizes. Finding something that looked decent on me because a desperate search for something, anything. I finally found a dress in a size I never thought I would see again. But, it does look nice on me, and I do feel pretty in it, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
All in all, it was not the fun experience it used to be.
I was telling my friend Windy about the trip to the store and how it was so depressing because I have such beautiful clothes, just hanging in my closet. Waiting for me to get my act together.
She suggested that I take out my favorite dress and hang it where I can see so it can be my motivation to get back to goal. It's a great suggestion. And I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But I am not a lot of people (though I do thank you for the suggestion, Windy, I really do!). Seeing the dress would not give me motivation. Looking at my favorite dress, day after day, would just be a reminder to me of the bad choices and decisions I have made in the last couple of years. It would taunt me day after day of how far I still have to go to fit into that dress. For me, having the dress visible would actually be counter productive. I need to focus on where I am at this moment, not on where I was or where I will be in year or two.
Pictures of me at goal are a nice reminder of what I can accomplish if I stick with the program and do the things I need to do on a daily basis. So looking at those pictures from time to time is a good thing. But having that picture staring back at me from the frig or hanging on my computer monitor? Again, for me, it's also a taunt of what I have lost.
I'm also not one of those people that can set weight goals by a certain date. I have tried over the years to lose x amount of pounds by a certain date (my birthday, a vacation, whatever), only to get off track, feel like I failed, eat out of guilt for not reaching my goal, and going totally off plan. After doing this more than once (hey, there's a reason it took me 6 years to lose 100 pounds!), I finally just made up my mind if I weigh less by a certain date (even it's just pound), is better than gaining. So learned to celebrate any weight loss, no matter how small. Even when I was on a roll and losing weight on a regular basis, I was only averaging .4 to .6 per week. Some weeks I lost a lot, some weeks I gained, but over the course of two years, that was what I average per week. I learned that I am a slow loser, but I do lose the weight eventually.
The one goal I can visualize and set "by a certain date" is regarding activity and exercise. I learned that a necessity when you are training for a half marathon. I needed to run certain distances by a certain dates so I would be in shape to finish the races I signed up for.
And I have set up new activity goals for myself. I decided I want to run the Governor's Cup 10K on June 11. A little less than 10 weeks away. I had set up a fairly strict training plan so I will be in (somewhat) good shape for the race. My only goal is to finish... and if I can finish it while running most of the distance, then that will be icing on the cake. I will need to increase my distance a 1/2 mile a week between now and the race, but Hubby thinks I can do it. And so do I.
I have gotten two runs in this week and will run again tomorrow. I'm going slow, taking my time, running with short strides, and that is helping to keep the knee pain away. Well, that and doing the ROMWOD stretches everyday.
I feel like I am finally in the right place mentally to start running again and to get serious about it.
And who knows... maybe the running will help me get back into the closet full of clothes waiting to be worn.
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