Last week, when I was going through my scrapbook albums trying to figure out where I left off, I looked at quite a few layouts from the various races that Hubby and I ran in 2014. I could see the look of determination on my face, the look of accomplishment, and in a few, a look of happiness. The Runner in me woke up.
As I moved through the week, the Runner kept me motivated. When I was walking, I could hear her voice reminding me of various races and training runs I had done. Her voice encouraged me to get out in the brisk wind and walk. She reminded me to take it slow, nurse my aching knee, and to stretch. Although the Runner is as impatient as I am, she told me to take it easy, focus on walking for now, work on losing some weight, and we will be running before I know it.
Yesterday, Windy wasn't able to walk with me, so I had to get out on my own. During the walk, I listened to the encouraging voice of the Runner to keep me moving despite some (okay, a lot) of aches in my knee and ankles.
About half way through the walk, I couldn't help but wonder... where the hell has this voice been for the last 3 1/2 years? Why did she leave me? Where did she go? And why did she come back?
And more importantly, why have I been listening to the negative voice in my head?
I think what got me on this train of thought is a mediation audio I have listened to several times this past week. I have an app on my phone called Relax Melodies that I use when I have trouble getting to sleep. There are various meditations you can listen to along with the soothing sounds. There is one meditation called "Stop self-criticism." In the audio, the narrator talks about picturing the negative voice as an alternate version of yourself or as animal. I pictured this negative voice in my head as young child. Why? Because when I start on a eating binge, I justify it as a spoiled child would... "I want this," "I deserve this," "this will make me feel better," etc. And when the rational part of my mind (the Runner) would try to step in and point out why I shouldn't be binge eating, the negative child would throw a tantrum. The Runner, feeling tired, rundown, and overwhelmed due to stress in my life, would give in. And as it happens with any spoiled child, once that behavior has been reinforced, the child knows exactly what to say and do to get her way. In other words, the Runner gave up and let the child run things. In the mediation the narrator talks about accepting the negative part of yourself, comforting it, but letting that part of yourself know that it isn't in charge (I'm totally paraphrasing, but you get the drift...).
Through this mediation, I could visual the Runner sitting down with the spoiled child and explaining that it is time for her to grow up. In three and a half years, the spoiled child had undone what took nearly 7 years to accomplish. The Runner wants to be in charge again.
I love the Runner. She is me. The me I want to be. The me I strive to be again. The me that felt awesome, that felt confident, happy, and inspired. The me that was happy whenever I finished a race, even if I came in last. Because I knew that finishing the race meant I was ahead of those that didn't even try.
The Runner is more than something I used to do, she was and is the culmination of years of hard work, of finding myself, and discovering things I never thought I could possibly do. I pray the Runner is truly back with me. I need her. And maybe between us, we can keep the spoiled child in check.
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