Fixing what ain't broke

This morning in the shower (because that's where I do my best thinking), I was trying to pinpoint where I got derailed on my weight maintenance journey.  I'm trying to figure out what I did so I won't repeat the same behavior in the future.  

I was able to maintain a 110+ pound weight loss for over 3 years, so obviously I was doing something right.  When did things go wrong?

It was a gradual process, a little tweak here, a major change there, and soon I was on a path I hadn't planned to go down.

I think the biggest mistake I made was trying to fix something that wasn't broken.  Fix something that was working well for me.  I was tired of tracking every little calorie in and out, so I wanted to be one of those people that would just make the right food decision without having to track.  

Just for the record... that didn't work for me....

Paleo sounded like a great thing.  Just avoid processed foods, eat all natural, organic foods, avoid grains, and never have to track again.  And Paleo works. I know people who are successful with the Paleo lifestyle.  I'm not one of them.  I am addicted to food, so free reign over what I eat doesn't work for me.  Avoiding grains and processed foods caused me to binge on those types of foods.  Which caused me to feel guilty and depressed, which lead to emotional eating... which started my vicious food cycle.  

And what's crazy, I continued that same behavior with the 21 Day Sugar Detox, the Whole 30, and several other programs.  Those are all great programs, I know people who do those programs and live them successfully, but they don't work for me.  

In some ways, I wish I had never gone down that path of trying new things, but in the scheme of things it was a valuable (yet emotionally and physically expensive) life lesson.  Sometimes I need to fail in order to succeed.

I learned a lot from each of those programs.  I learned to enjoy the flavor of my tea without any added sweeteners (and became a bit of tea snob in the process), I learned how to make and enjoy sweet treats without any sugar or artificial sweeteners.  I learned that I can go 35+ days without processed foods.  

I also learned that I need the occasional processed, sugar laden, ooey-gooey goodness in my life.  I learned I need a small amount of grains everyday so I don't feel deprived.  I learned I need to track everything I eat and all my activity.  I learned I need the support of Weight Watcher meetings, my friends and my Hubby.

I tried to fix something that wasn't broke.  Now I have to start again.  A painful life lesson, but one I can use in the future.  I know what works for me.  Now I just need to remember what works and not try to fix it! 

Goals vs Why

It always amazes me when things just seem to fall into place.  Coincidences that feel more like a higher power is at work in my life.  This past week I've had several incidences such as that.

Last Wednesday, I signed up for Weight Watchers in the morning.  That afternoon at work, we got an email about the Active Challenge (tracking steps/activity for 8 weeks).  I felt it was a "meant to be" sort of thing.  I immediately signed up the challenge and recruited a friend and hubby to join my team, and then got a co-worker to join us, and hoping for a few more people to join us.  Being more active is one of my goals along with attending the WW meetings. 


On Saturday I wrote about my goals and what I wanted during this part of my weight loss journey.  I want to run again.  If weight loss comes with that, great, but my focus is running.  In order to have the energy and stamina to run, I need to make better food choices.  Making better food choices should lead to weight loss.  So my reason for all of this, my "why" I am going down this path yet again, is to be able to run.


Sunday morning, as I laid in bed, I started looking through my Nook Book wish list and noticed a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss."  It's a book I've had on wish list for years but yesterday I decided to purchase it.  It's a lot like the Beck Diet Solution,a guide to help you stay on whatever weight loss program you choose to follow.  There's a page of text, then a lesson to follow for that day.  The first lesson in the book?  Write down at least 10 reasons why you want to lose weight.   The first two or three were easy for me... to be able to run, to fit into all the clothes in my closet, be able to go backpacking... but then I had to dig a bit deeper for more reasons why I wanted to lose weight.

Then this morning, I got the weekly email from WW.  The topic was... "Goals vs. Why."  See... more coincidence!  I definitely feel a higher power is looking out for me this week.  Giving me the signs to not only think about what I want, but why I want it. 


Focusing on my "why" will help me reach my goals.  During the difficult times (which I'm sure there will be many), I need to remember my "why" and persevere.  I can do this!

Setting goals

First, let me say, I hate setting goals.  I have set a lot of goals throughout my life and made very few of them.

When I joined Weight Watchers in 2004, I set a goal to stick with the program until I became a Lifetime member.  I reached my goal weight 6 1/2 years after starting.  That goal was met.  Then I stopped working the program. Stopped going to meetings.  And eventually just stopped. Looking back on it, I should have made my goal to never quit WW, regardless of making Lifetime or not.  But hey, live and learn...

Now that I'm going to back to the WW meetings (I've attended 1 meeting out of 1 week, so 100% attendance so far... yea me!), I want to make a goal that has nothing to do with the number on the scale.  That number does not define me.  Yes, I have let it in the past, but this is a new road on the weight loss journey and I want a new destination in mind.  The number on the scale is just a number, and that number can fluctuate by 5 depending on the week, what was eaten or drank the day before weigh in, stress, lack of sleep, hormones, and life in general.  Yet I let the number on the scale push me into near depression and let it lift me into moments of joy and happiness.  A number did that.  A number on stupid, inanimate object.  I don't want that anymore...

Instead, I want a goal on this journey that will keep me moving.  Literally.  I want to run.  Not only do I want to run, I want to run half marathons. 

So, my goal is to complete half marathons.  At least one a year.  And run as many local races as I can with the time I have between work and the Lego business (and the money needed for the race fees).  

I kept telling myself I needed to be in shape to do that.  I have to lose 40, 50, 60 pounds to be able to do races.  

No, I don't.

the last time I completed a 1/2 marathon,
(with friends Sibyl and Julie, April 2015)

I could finish a 5K today.  Okay, it would take me a long time to complete a 5K, maybe need to walk the whole thing, be sore as hell tomorrow, but damn it, I could do it.  There are a lot of overweight (even obese) athletes that complete races.  Sure, not all of them run, but they get out and do it.  I don't want to wait to be the perfect weight to do it.  I want to do it now.  I'm tired of putting something I enjoy doing on hold until scale says I can.  Oh wait... scales can't talk!  It's not telling me anything.  It's just sitting there, displaying a number that doesn't mean much when you break it down.

So my goal?  To move.  To move more today than I did yesterday.  To get outside and walk.  Walk on the treadmill on bad weather days.  To stretch.  To do a Weight Watcher workout DVD occasionally.  

Disney Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon
January 2012

Then... my goal to get me back in the swing of running a half marathon (or walking... or crawling, if need be) is to sign up for a half marathon in September 2019.  Why then?  To celebrate my 50th birthday.  What better gift to give myself than the feeling of accomplishment that comes with completing a half marathon.  A feeling I have not forgotten, even though it's been three years since my last half marathon.  The joy, the happiness, the motivation to keep moving.  No party or weekend away can come close to that.  Not for me anyway. 

Walking through the door

This morning I did something that was emotionally difficult.  I walked through a doorway.

Between 2004 and 2014, I was a regular attendee at Weight Watcher meetings.  I went more weeks than I didn't, and there were weeks I attended more than one meeting.  I was a receptionist for Weight Watchers and toyed with the idea of becoming a WW leader.  Thanks to WW, I lost 120 pounds. 


Then I got to maintenance and things changed.  Maintenance is difficult.  I remember sitting in meetings during my "losing" period and wondering why the Lifetime members were talking about how hard it was to maintain their weight.  In my mind, that was the easy part.  You've lost weight so you know what works and doesn't work, so maintenance should be a breeze. Once I stepped over to the maintenance side of weight loss, I saw how hard it truly was.  And, the one drawback to WW (or at least in the area I live), there is very little coaching on how to maintain a healthy weight.  Don't get me wrong, the Leaders, receptionists, weighers, and Lifetime members are very supportive, encouraging, and inspiring.  But let's face it, once you become a Lifetime member with WW, you no longer pay for the meetings, so as a company they don't make money on members who reach Lifetime. 


Okay, I don't mean for this to be a WW bashing post, because it's not.  I'm just stating my opinion.  And for me, maintenance was the one big drawback to WW.  But for losing weight, I honestly cannot think of better program.  I learned a lot (and I mean A LOT) about weight loss, eating healthy, and activity through WW.  I was encouraged by my leader to keep working on weight loss during a very difficult period of my life.  I got a phenomenal amount of support from the meetings and made some awesome, wonderful friends through WW. 


So why did I quit going?  Frustration, boredom, and embarrassment. 


I was frustrated with trying to maintain my weight, so I started experimenting with different ways of tracking my food (went from counting points to counting calories), I tried different ways of eating (clean eating, Paleo, Primal, Whole 30, 20 Day Sugar Detox, etc), and I varied my exercise.  I was also frustrated by a knee injury that caused me to stop running, by health issues that slowed me down, and by work and life stress that become my focus.


And yes, boredom at the meetings.  Once you attend meetings for a number of years, you start to see a pattern in the meeting topics.  And even though each meeting is unique because of the variety of members, the meetings topic became stale and boring. 


Once I started gaining weight back, embarrassment and shame kept me from going to meetings.  I was embarrassed to have gained weight back... and the more I gained, the more embarrassed and ashamed I became.  After all, I used to speak at meetings, I helped to inspire people to persevere through the tough times and encouraged others to join WW.  How could I go meetings knowing I had failed? That I had not kept the weight off? I felt (and still feel) fat, sluggish, tired, and miserable.  I wanted to hide until all the weight miraculously fell off my body...


After weeks of contemplating the pros and cons, looking at what worked in the past and what wasn't working now, I realized I needed the WW meetings.  I need it for the support and the accountability. 


The first step was renewing my monthly pass.  That was easy.


The next step was to actually go to the meeting.  That was hard. 


Who knew walking through that door would take every bit of will power I had.  It is the hardest step I've taken on this weight loss journey.  All the others steps I've taken and faltered on were nothing compared to that.  I was scared, nervous, anxious, and depressed.  I knew going back meant really facing the scale (stepping on the scale at home is a different journey then stepping on the scale at the WW center) and seeing the significant gain since I last weighed in at the center. 


I now understand those people that would slink quietly back to the meetings, those people that whispered to the receptionist they used to be a member, sit in the back of the room, and overall just hope to become invisible.  I was that person this morning. 


There were a lot of familiar faces at the meeting, which caused me a lot of anxiety and made me wish I had picked a different meeting time.  But then faces I hadn't seen in months (or years) smiled in recognition, waved, and walked across the room to see me, to give me a hug. 


There was no judgement.  No critical looks.  Just happiness I was back. 


Even with that, it was still one of the longest meeting I had been to.  I sat in my chair, trying to pay attention to the topic, trying to enjoy the banter of the members and the antics of the leader, but fighting the urge to burst into tears and run from the center.  I had to face the fact, I'm starting over.  Not from square one (thankfully I have managed to keep 36.7 pounds off), but pretty darn close.  I know the fight I have ahead of me.  I know the struggles, the frustration, the disappointments, and the heartaches that are part of the weight loss journey.  I know that goal is not some magic number on the scale or mystical place.  Goal is the just one stop on the journey. 


But I'm getting back to what works for me.  WW for support and accountability.  Myfitnesspal.com for tracking my food.  Eating clean (natural foods and/or processed foods with 5 or less ingredients).  Walking, hiking, and eventually running as my activity.


My goal is to not make the number on the scale my priority, but running as my priority.  WW and MyFitnessPal are just tools to get me to end goal... back to running half marathons.

*sigh*

Trying to not let the negative voice in my head take over this morning.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was up.  Not much.  Barely anything.  But it still bugs me.  

So instead of wallowing in self pity, which is my go-to move, I have decided to re-evaluate.  

I am just getting back into the groove of watching what I eat, moving more, and as of Sunday, tracking my food.  There could be a million reasons why the scale didn't reflect these changes.  

This week, I will focus more on the tracking and try to stick to healthy, clean foods.  I will try to avoid the cookies, hot chocolate, and fun sized Twix (and for the record, I did track all those foods!).  I will hover behind Hubby as he's cooking to get all the ingredients of the recipe into the MyFitnessPal tracker.  I will focus on drinking my water and meeting my step goal.  


This is just week two, and it's not going to help if I give up after 14 days.  I'm just out of practice and need to keep at it.  

Today will be a challenge.  Having lunch with Ondrea and dinner out with Hubby.  But I know from past experience what foods I should or shouldn't have.  I can do this.  

I want to be healthy again.  To have energy.  To be able to run.  I can do this.  I will do this.  At least for today, I will not let the negative voice win!