Day 32

I have now been working my way through the Beck Diet Solution Book and the 100 Days of Weight Loss for 32 days.  I have made a lot of changes to how I eat, but not what I eat and I've still managed to lose 8.2 pounds in four weeks.  If you would have told me it was possible for me to lose weight without counting WW Points or calories, I would not have believed you. But here I am.

I am feeling very good about the changes I've made, I'm still focused on changing my behaviors and increasing my activity, and feeling better both physically and mentally.  So all is good...

...maybe...

The self doubt is starting to creep back in.  I'm starting to think this will take too long.  What happens when I hit an emotional day? What if.. what if... what if... thoughts are starting to crowd out the positive feelings.  I don't have these thoughts every day, but I'm noticing them lurking more and more.  

I have a friend I email nearly every day who is on her own weight loss journey (and doing amazing!) and we were discussing the "honeymoon" phase of weight loss.  The period in which the diet is new and exciting, and you can't wait to see what the future brings.  But eventually that ends... then what?  I told her I have three phases I go through when I am focusing on weight loss.  

The Honeymoon Phase:

    This is the best phase, isn't it?  Life is good and full of possibility.  Trying a new diet, seeing those initial big losses on the scale.  Everything is fun and exciting.  This phase, for me, can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months... depending on the diet and what's going on in my life.

The Realization Phase:

    This the phase that usually derails me, makes me want to quit or causes me to quit.  This when the reality of the diet hits me.  When I realize this is what I will need to do for the rest of my life to lose weight and maintain the weight loss.  And if I am on the wrong diet (wrong diet for me, not saying these are bad!) such as Paleo, Whole 30, etc., then I quit.  I find myself craving the foods the diet says to avoid, and then I binge on those foods. 

    Sometimes I will bounce between the Honeymoon Phase and the Realization Phase, like I've been doing for the last week.  I know that what I'm doing is good for me, but I also know that I will need to be patient, that the weight will not come off over night.  

    This Realization Phase is generally a shorter phase for me.  I either quit or I accept this is what I want to do and I'm willing to do to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight.  Unfortunately, I have spent many (MANY) short periods in this phase in the last five years.  And every time, I have quit.  I don't move on to the next phase.

The Acceptance Phase: 

    This is a great phase to be in.  This is where I have gotten past the newness of the diet, past the reality of what needs to be done, and I just do it.  I have accepted that I can do this and I am willing to do this for the long term.  

    When I initially lost the weight and was on maintenance, I was in this phase for over 4 years.  I felt great, I tracked my calorie intake every day, I exercised (and for the most part, enjoyed it), and knew what I was doing was keeping me healthy.  Looking back, I can see that a string of events led me down to some wrong paths on my weight loss and I have been struggling to find my way back.  I can't just jump into this phase, I will need to go through the other two phases before I get to this point.  

*******

This time, my approach to weight loss is different than before.  When I joined Weight Watchers in 2004, I was focused on food and my input/output to lose weight.  I struggled all through my weight loss with emotional eating and my unhealthy relationship with food (there's a reason it took me 6 years to lose 116 pounds).  I worked on those issues here and there throughout my weight loss, but never truly learned how to deal with emotional eating.  And that was a major reason I gained the weight back.  Life threw me a bunch of changes that I was not prepared for and I used food to soothe my soul.  And it didn't work.  I gained the weight back, fast at first, slower over the last couple of years... but to the point that my weight became another issue I had to deal with.  

This time I am more focused on my relationship with food.  I learned over my 10+ years of weight loss and maintenance what my body needs in terms of quality and quantity of food.  Food I can handle without much issue.  So this time, it's about learning to deal with the emotional eating, how to handle what life throws at me without turning to food.  It's about accepting my weight as it is today, getting past the embarrassment of gaining the weight back, and asking my family and friends for help.  

By asking Hubby to be my "diet coach" and giving him instructions on what I need from him, an how I need him to respond in certain situations, he has become my biggest supporter through this.  By getting past our unspoken competitiveness in weight loss and activity, my best friend and I now turn to each other for support during the rough days.  By accepting the offer to walk with friends, I have reconnected with people I haven't spend time with in years (thank you KR and WK for Friday evening walks!! ).  

I don't know what tomorrow will bring... it could be I hit the Realization Phase like a brick wall and find I can't continue.  But right now, this moment, I'm in the Honeymoon Phase, and will enjoy this moment while its here.