Facing the scale on a bad week

I've faced the scale at my Weight Watcher weekly meeting exactly 506 times since April of 2004.  I have had every emotion imaginable at those weigh ins.  I have laughed, cried, felt frustrated, angry, confused, disappointed, happy, excited, anxious... and this past weigh in... horrified.

So, it's been a week since my blog post.  In that post I had a happy, positive, couldn't wait to get moving attitude.  And the next day, my attitude was not as good and went down hill as the week progressed.

What happened?  A lot.  Mainly me not dealing with emotions and eating instead.  Same old song, just sung on a different day. 

Tuesday started out well, I got up, did my morning workout and headed off to work.  After about an hour at work, my stomach began to hurt (abdominal pain that I hadn't felt since a week or so after surgery).  It was so intense at one point I even considered leaving work to go home (and with no sick leave left, that was the last thing I wanted to do).  Though the intense pain passed, I continued to have pain throughout the day and on through Wednesday.  I did some online research and found out that the pain is somewhat normal even 5 weeks after surgery, especially if I'm being active (guessing working out, walking, and running will qualify as "active").  The suggestion as to take it easy for a couple of days, there went my goals of working out everyday.  I know that taking it easy in recovery is the important thing, so I backed off on the activities for a few days.  And ate instead of working out.

There was another blow on Tuesday, trying to get registered for the RunDisney Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon.  Hubby always gets us registered for these events and he's good about logging on as soon as registration opens and getting us registered before it fills up.  The last two races we signed up for were full within 50 to 60 minutes, but we honestly didn't think the Wine & Dine would fill up quite that fast.  Just to be sure, Hubby logged on as soon as registration opened... or tried to... the website had issues probably because of everyone logging in at the same time.  Took him 10 to 15 minutes just to get to the registration portion.  He got himself registered, and usually there will be a link to "register another runner."  This time, no link, no button, nothing.  So he had to log out of the registration portion, log back into the RunDisney site... and by then, less than 40 minutes after the registration opened, the race was full.  We were both shocked.  This had never happened before, we've always gotten registered and we had never seen a race fill up that fast.  Hubby is registered, I am not.  I was frustrated and upset.  We do the RunDisney events as our vacations and we run the half marathons together (even though Hubby is a much faster runner than I am).  I knew that if he got to do the race and I didn't, I would be upset.  Yes, I know that there was nothing more he could have done, but these races are "our time together."  At first I told him he should run it without me, but the more I thought about, the more upset I became.  And instead of just telling him how I really felt, I ate.  A lot.  Then I finally told him how I felt and he told me he didn't want to run it unless we could do it together.  We run a lot of races at our own pace, but he agreed, these races aren't about getting a PR, they are about spending time together. 

Okay, so two things early in the week send me to the junk food.  But I wasn't done yet. 

The next thing that had me eating non-stop for nearly two days, was/is something very personal.  Let's just say that even the best of married couples have their rough patches and Hubby and I had ours.  It had been brewing for awhile, with both of us trying to ignore the problem.  Between my fibroid issues, work stress, pre-surgery stress, and then weeks of recovery time, we haven't had a lot of quality time together.  That lack of quality time in a marriage can be a strain, especially if you don't discuss the lack of it.  And we didn't.  We pretended things were fine, when in reality we really needed to sit down and talk it about it.  Problem is, my Hubby is not a big communicator.  In fact, we don't fight, he walks away until we are both calmed down, then we have a brief talk, and move on.  Thursday started our "walk away until we calm down" time.  And since everything about the situation felt so personal, so intimate, I didn't want to discuss it with friends or blog about it.  What did I do instead?  I ate... and ate... and ate...  to the point I nearly felt sick and continued eating.  I didn't walk or workout (was still having pains, but by then it was probably the food not the surgery causing it).  By Saturday morning, I knew we had to talk or I was going to spend the whole day eating again.  I started the conversation and after really talking for a bit, Hubby finally opened up and we were able to work through the issues between us.  I really wish we would have had the discussion sooner, but I'm glad we finally did.  We both felt calmer and closer than we had in months.  We still have a ways to go to get through it, but we are on the good side of things again.

Hubby and I had that discussion early on Saturday morning (we are both early risers), so we decided to go get our weekly groceries, then come home and have a relaxing breakfast.  I wasn't going to weigh in even though my original plan was to go to the Saturday Weight Watcher meeting.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  I had been eating non-stop for nearly a week.  And not good foods.  I hadn't been working out or running, and I had barely walked during the week.  As we headed to Walmart I asked Hubby if we could stop long enough for me weigh in. 

As bad as I knew it would be, I needed to see the damage I had done.  I hadn't weighed in for 10 days, I had been eating non-stop, I had drank my water and tea prior to leaving the house, and I was wearing "heavy" clothes (jeans and a long sleeve shirt).  Regardless if I stepped on the scale or not, I was going to weigh the same.  I would be better off knowing and moving on, then not knowing sabotaging myself even more.

In I went to face the scale for the 506th time in the last 11 years. 

7.6 pounds gained in 10 days.

I was horrified.  In all that time, I have never gained that much in less than two weeks. 

Once again, I am starting over.  Starting fresh.  Giving myself a break.  Moving forward.  Forgiving myself.  Learning from the experience.

All I can do is move forward since what is done, is done.  I can't undo it.  I know what to do, I just need to do it.